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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Didn’t settle at FDR

131 replies

Sadandbroken1 · 17/04/2023 18:07

Feeling so gutted. Had our FDR. The Judge’s indication was close to my offer made in advance of the FDR. I then moved to offer what the judge had indicated. STBXH didn’t budge at all (his position very different to mine and the judge’s). So we didn’t settle. I’m absolutely gutted. We are still in the home where for the last 18 months he has completely ignored me even in front of our primary age kids. I feel completely broken. A final hearing will be months away.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 06/06/2023 11:52

I like figures... let's look at this...

He earns £45k so assuming a 10% pension he has a take home of ~£2500 a month. He wants £6000k from you (half your income!), plus 65% of assets. So his income would be £8500 per month.

That leaves you with £6000 a month plus 35% of the assets...

Over the next 5 years he will build £2500 a month or £150,000 MORE THAN YOU in assets/equity on top of his additional 30% of the original assets (Assuming you both stay at same wage). How many years work is 30% of the assets plus £150k worth? He still plans to leech off you for a further 10 years...

Given I'm guessing you are on upwards of £280,000 pa I'm assuming that 30% of assets is significant - especially since you said you could each buy a 4 bed house out of the proceeds...

The reality is likely that even if he 'has' the kids for 50% of the time he will send them to you to pay for everything... school trips (private school?) clothes, holidayd, equipment etc. There are threads aplenty where dad buys nothing but keeps everythjng the kids take to his house making mum.buy more. Im assuming you still have at least 1 in childcare if he's expecting a 15yr gravy train so who is paying for that? For university funds? House deposits?

You'd be better relieving some of your guilt by setting up funds for the kids for their futures - ensuring dad can't get his hands on it (ever). As you can guarantee dad won't be offering anything towards it.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 06/06/2023 12:38

Oh god @Sadandbroken1 I didn't mean he should get £6000 pm in spousal maintenance!!

I am in a wonderful place now, happy and secure. And the hideous, acrimonious divorce is just a memory.

My ex also said (and still says, actually) absolutely horrible things about me, trying to destroy me. Absolutely none of that was mentioned in court. The judge would not have entertained that. If we'd have gone to cross examination, my barrister would have made mincemeat of him. Am glad it didn't, but a bit of me would have loved to have seen it (I'm only human, and he put me through A Lot).

Re the house sale - after I let it drag on (stupidly) I threatened court (as he'd not complied with the consent order) and the house was on with a decent agent and sold within 4 months. Don't hesitate to go legal on him!

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 06/06/2023 13:01

He is in dreamland.

I was the lower earner and my ex the higher. Along the lines of £48k v £250k. I got 53% of assets.

I had given up work to relocate for his job then took several years out with the kids and was building career back up. Before going on mat leave I earned 80% of his salary. Earn more than I did but after career break will never earn anywhere near his earnings

Neither of us kept the house (too expensive) but both were able to be housed along with kids perfectly adequately.

No spousal maintenance but pays some child maintenance above the cms minimum - at a lower proportion of additional earnings over cms minimum

Quitelikeit · 06/06/2023 14:06

Some great stories here of hope op

Stay strong

I hope you treat yourself to a nice night away or weekends away even and do it soon!

You need to recharge your batteries

Also good that a pp said they won’t be talking about your parenting in court

I bet his lawyers can see right through him

Please do not agree to spousal maintenance - you have seen how much he would have thank you to thanks to the poster above!

stay strong you got this!

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 18/06/2023 07:59

Just a bit of an update. He’s lost his job (for
poor performance…) Have a call with my solicitor about this next week but I’m worried about what this might mean. Any ideas how a court might deal with this? Obviously he can’t be left without a roof over his head, place to have the kids, etc., but it doesn’t seem right he should get loads of money from me without working…

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 18/06/2023 08:27

He will be expected to get another and award usually made on earning potential not current earnings

WTF202333 · 18/06/2023 08:27

he sounds like a bloody idiot OP, you are well rid!
I expect/ed my STBXH to do something similar. He is a contractor and they’d been some correspondence from his solicitor suggesting his contract was coming to an end and he has no further work.
My solicitor said it’s the oldest trick in the book but it doesn’t work. Outcomes are based on potential earnings and your Ex will have a potential earning of whatever he has been earning for so long.
I hope this gives a little reassurance until you speak to your solicitor tomorrow x

Ididntknowuntiliknew · 18/06/2023 10:16

OP, please stop feeling guilty about everything that will negatively impact HIM!

You said that he wasn't a particularly devoted father, or husband. You clearly weren't staying for financial reasons!
You were in a marriage for love, and you're not in love anymore.

You don't owe him an easy privileged lifestyle. Your skills, dedication and hard work earned him that. When the marriage was happy. Not indefinitely.
He didn't earn it.
He didn't make sacrifices personally to facilitate it, unless there are massive omissions.

It's quite probable that he engineered the unemployment to try to gain sympathy- and a lot of your money. Including money that you have yet to earn!
Instead of pitying him for losing his privileges, start pitying him for being unimaginative and pathetic.

It's not that he's incapable of supporting himself. He's just used to having you do it.
Protect your children. You will be responsible for supporting them, facilitating education, holidays, lifestyle.
Please don't consider compromising their childhood experiences for a grown man who has abdicated responsibility.

If a woman was posting from the other side, everyone would be telling her to get a job, and stop being grabby.
He's perfectly capable of managing comfortably on 45k. He just doesn't want to.

Mumof3confused · 19/06/2023 08:00

His earning potential will be based on what he has been earning. He will be expected to get a new job.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 19/06/2023 08:20

Thanks again for the support. I suppose my concerns are what is his earning potential? If he’s been dismissed for poor performance will he be able to be a comparable job? And also what will happen in the meantime? The final hearing is coming up soon, but if he is unemployed he won’t be able to get a mortgage so at least in the short term the options are limited.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/06/2023 08:34

You just now need to leave it to the courts. There is no way they will go with his demands. He may get more equity/share assets but that is it.

he is no longer your concern

summerdresss · 19/06/2023 20:11

@Sadandbroken1 I've sent you a private message Flowers

ThisModernLove · 18/07/2023 18:21

When is your final hearing? My ex has just done the same. Halved his income by leaving his job for a new one…

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 19/07/2023 11:14

The final hearing is coming up in a couple of weeks. Dreading it, but can’t wait until its over. Not much change in his position. Oddly, he’s alleging I’m not maximising my earning capacity, despite me earning a good six figure sum and juggling work and the kids, whilst he is unemployed, having been dismissed for unsatisfactory performance. Pretty insulting!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 19/07/2023 11:58

I’ve been thinking about you op. It’s in the hands of the judge now.

Interesting how he has been dismissed. I hope he can prove that to the judge.

Maybe he wasn’t dismissed? Maybe he is hoping your team do not ask for proof? Maybe he is antagonising you because boy he has been very good at that.

Hold strong. You can do this.

Mumof3confused · 19/07/2023 19:44

The nonsense they come up with is staggering. I hope this is all going to be shown to the judge.

momentumneeded · 26/07/2023 14:47

Just wanted to say 'hang in there'. Had same situation as you with FDR so it went to final hearing. Judge saw through my ex completely (he had also intentionally worsened his earning capacity by moving from perm to contracting and fewer hours/ worse pay rate) and found in my favour. If he'd settled at FDR he would have come out of it much better but I'm so glad it went to final as I felt v pressured at FDR to go lower than I could realistically afford. It will be over soon and regardless of the outcome, the relief it is over is indescribable! Stay strong. Ps they tend to give you same Judge at first and final so worth considering what their view was and if they are likely to agree with your position (FDR can't be referenced at all at final hearing!!!).

Mumof3confused · 28/07/2023 09:09

How are you doing, Op? We have just had our FDR and also didn’t settle as he asked for the most outrageous split. Also made up loads of lies about me, even down to my professional qualifications. I am shocked about the amount of lies his barrister got away with! Keeping everything crossed for a good outcome for you.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 28/07/2023 22:19

Thanks for all the support. He’s made a WP offer. It is a 64-36 split (him getting the 64).

That would mean he keeps the house (and all the equity in it) and I pay him £50,000 in addition (so he has enough to pay off the mortgage (because he can’t take on the mortgage because he has no job)).

Basically about £850k to him and £390k to me.

However, he has said no spousal maintenance. The position on child maintenance is a bit unclear though as he reserves his position if the child arrangements change, which they will when we move out (but will be 50-50). So I’m a bit worried about it being unclear and agreeing it and then getting an application for child maintenance.

I don’t think I can accept it because of the uncertainty. It’s hard to think straight though because I’m really struggling at home. He’s still ignoring me. The other day he filmed me with him saying ”I need to leave me alone” repeatedly when I was just giving DC a hug. I feel like I’m cracking up. It’s really really hard. If I accepted I could be out of here. But maybe I’d regret it.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 28/07/2023 22:22

You can’t have that much longer until the hearing so keep on with that

Triphazard22 · 28/07/2023 22:28

I can't see any judge agreeing that distribution of assets. Stand firm and go to the final hearing.
Do you have a Barrister? Definitely worth the outlay if you haven't.

katmarie · 28/07/2023 22:32

It seems to me like he thought you'd crack by now, but you haven't and so he's wobbling himself. Talk to your legal team, and think very carefully about what you want out of this at the end of it. But don't make any hasty decisions. Just because that offer has come to you now, doesn't mean you need to respond immediately. It can't be much longer now until your hearing, if you do reject his offer? You have come this far, the next few weeks can't be any tougher than what you have already lived through.

RandomMess · 28/07/2023 22:40

If he goes for child maintenance how much would it be? Plug the figures into the calculator. Some of your income will be disregarded.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 28/07/2023 22:47

Don't worry about him lying - I think the Court will see through it. Mine tried to make all sorts of accusations and told lies, the Judge saw straight through it.

Stay strong, you are so nearly there

silentpool · 28/07/2023 22:58

OP, hold your nerve and go to court. He is a chancer and the courts like a clean break now, not ongoing spousal etc.

I found the judges to be very firm and fair. Mind you, I did pay for a very good lawyer to be in the background advising. What is your lawyer saying about his demands?