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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Didn’t settle at FDR

131 replies

Sadandbroken1 · 17/04/2023 18:07

Feeling so gutted. Had our FDR. The Judge’s indication was close to my offer made in advance of the FDR. I then moved to offer what the judge had indicated. STBXH didn’t budge at all (his position very different to mine and the judge’s). So we didn’t settle. I’m absolutely gutted. We are still in the home where for the last 18 months he has completely ignored me even in front of our primary age kids. I feel completely broken. A final hearing will be months away.

OP posts:
onlythe · 04/06/2023 17:06

Im sorry for what you are going through. I hope he isn't permitted to drag it out too much longer. He is a piece of work.

Quartz2208 · 04/06/2023 17:15

You just need to keep going there is no way he will get it you just have to hold strong

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 17:20

The final hearing is a couple of months away. This has been going on over 18 months so I am nearly there. I just want it done so badly. Living with someone who ignores me completely even in front of our children is soul destroying.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 04/06/2023 17:27

Is there a reason you wouldn't rent in the interim? Sit tight, you're not being unreasonable to refuse and to stay close to the judges suggestion.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 17:30

Seas164 · 04/06/2023 17:27

Is there a reason you wouldn't rent in the interim? Sit tight, you're not being unreasonable to refuse and to stay close to the judges suggestion.

My solicitor advised me not to move out as he would delay/make it really difficult to sell the property. He also hasn’t agreed arrangements for the children (aside fron 50-50 in principle) so that needs to be sorted. To be honest, if I had had any idea how long it would go on ot how awful if would be I would have moved out. I’m so close to the end now though that I think I need to see it through.

OP posts:
Concerned3 · 04/06/2023 17:42

Sorry to hear that & especially his behaviour in front of kids.

I will just suggest, when there are big sums involved, some (obviously by NO means all) lawyers really convince the client that reasonable offers aren't actually reasonable.

After all, it's relatively easy money for the lawyers to keep going with a case they already have & are already familiar with: & they know they'll be getting paid no problem, even if (further inflated) costs are awarded against their client in the end.

So perhaps try not to judge him too harshly & see if you can get someone to talk sense into him / ballpark second opinion.

Good luck.

millymollymoomoo · 04/06/2023 17:43

He won’t get the spousal at fdr

hold tight.

Concerned3 · 04/06/2023 17:45

Sorry, just seen he doesnt have solicitors!

Mind boggling.

He's not doing himself any favours.

Best of luck OP.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 17:51

Concerned3 · 04/06/2023 17:42

Sorry to hear that & especially his behaviour in front of kids.

I will just suggest, when there are big sums involved, some (obviously by NO means all) lawyers really convince the client that reasonable offers aren't actually reasonable.

After all, it's relatively easy money for the lawyers to keep going with a case they already have & are already familiar with: & they know they'll be getting paid no problem, even if (further inflated) costs are awarded against their client in the end.

So perhaps try not to judge him too harshly & see if you can get someone to talk sense into him / ballpark second opinion.

Good luck.

I won’t be able to convince him to get a second opinion etc because he doesn’t speak to me. He has completely ignored me, won’t even look at me, even in front of our young DC for over a year. He will sometimes communicate by email, but wouldn’t for this sort of thing. He has often called me a bully/abuser, so that would just be interpreted as another attempt to bully him.

He made a similar offer before the FDR before he had a lawyer and now he has one they seem to have doubled down. Obviously I don’t know what they are saying to him, but I think the suggestion I should get no equity from a house I paid about 85% for and did (more than) 50% of childcare, and £6000 is a lot, just from googling it. He also have the Judge’s indication from the FDR.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 17:54

Concerned3 · 04/06/2023 17:45

Sorry, just seen he doesnt have solicitors!

Mind boggling.

He's not doing himself any favours.

Best of luck OP.

He’s just instructed them after the FDR. You may be right, but I already feel so guilty about filing for divorce (even though he was horrible) that if I go down the route of thinking he has been taken advantage of by lawyers, I might just crack. Also, it seems so much that I wonder if a lawyer would take this approach just to get fees in. I am waiting to speak to my solicitor about it.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 17:59

Op

why would they award him a house that you paid 85% for?

Surely you have asked to keep this house? And offered him a lump sum?

Don’t go down without a fight - he has pushed you this far and I do hope that the judge is made aware he has forced your children to endure these dreadful conditions

I cannot imagine what you have gone through

This man thinks he is entitled to your future earnings and wealth to fester his own nest

I am rooting for you. Truly.

Is housing in your area very expensive? As in he couldn’t buy or rent somewhere with enough bedrooms?

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:01

Also you mentioned feeling guilty on his behalf please don’t he has rode on your coat tails for far too long and subjected your children to an appalling living situation

Im assuming he is furious that you had the courage to divorce?

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:02

So if the judge suggested 45-50 what is supposed to happen to the home?

Isheabastard · 04/06/2023 18:03

Could you do a bit of AirBnB for you and/or the children for a few days at a time or at weekends?

That way you haven’t moved out of the marital home but you still get a respite from him for a couple of days a week.

Against advice I moved out of sharing the marital home with my bullying ex into a rental. Waking up and being able to go and make a cup of tea in the kitchen without him being around is fucking priceless.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 18:10

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:02

So if the judge suggested 45-50 what is supposed to happen to the home?

Either it would be sold (in which case we could each buy other 4 bedroom houses albeit slightly smaller than what we have now) or he could stay if he would be willing to take on the outstanding mortgage of about £100,000. He says he can’t afford a mortgage at all because he needs £4500 a month for outgoings (and his own salary is about £2800 a month net).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 18:10

Isheabastard · 04/06/2023 18:03

Could you do a bit of AirBnB for you and/or the children for a few days at a time or at weekends?

That way you haven’t moved out of the marital home but you still get a respite from him for a couple of days a week.

Against advice I moved out of sharing the marital home with my bullying ex into a rental. Waking up and being able to go and make a cup of tea in the kitchen without him being around is fucking priceless.

Yes, I do try this where I can but should perhaps do it more. Thanks for the reminder. That cup of tea would taste good!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:15

Op

dont let him have that house - you’d be better off going insisting that it was sold

please tell me you have not agreed to him having it if he can get a mortgage on it?

why would you do that

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:16

What outgoings amount to £4500?

has he got a car to pay for?

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:17

You know this man thought you were much weaker than you actually are? You know he thought you were going to buckle and roll over

don’t do that please stay strong

he has took you for a fool

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 18:22

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:15

Op

dont let him have that house - you’d be better off going insisting that it was sold

please tell me you have not agreed to him having it if he can get a mortgage on it?

why would you do that

No, I haven’t agreed that. But it would be an option. I want things sorted asap and I worry about how long it will take to sell the house and us buy 2 properties. There is lots of scope for him to delay…

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 18:23

I’m not really sure. No car to pay for but his form e does include paying for a dog that he would like to get…

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:38

on this occasion you should put your faith in the judge who will likely see this man exactly as we all do on here

He will get his ass handed to him on a plate and I’m certain that the judge can ask him to move out whilst waiting for the house to be sold

And if this is how he treats humans I’d hate to think about how he would treat a dog

Can I ask why has your solicitor never talked to you about getting an occupation order given he is causing emotional harm to the children by refusing to talk to you for a year ?

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:39

Also do you think he will take the children 50pc of the time? Or will that need to be decided in a court too?

How is he with the children?

largeagegapWLW · 04/06/2023 18:39

PMK

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/06/2023 18:59

Quitelikeit · 04/06/2023 18:39

Also do you think he will take the children 50pc of the time? Or will that need to be decided in a court too?

How is he with the children?

I have had advice on an occupation order when I was feeling desperate but was told the threshold is high and I likely wouldn’t get one.

He’s fine with the kids. Didn’t used to be that interested but has stepped up post separation so I don’t know what it will be like in the long run…We have agreed 50-50 in principle but not the timetable.

OP posts: