Didn’t settle at FDR

[Sadandbroken1]

Feeling so gutted. Had our FDR. The Judge’s indication was close to my offer made in advance of the FDR. I then moved to offer what the judge had indicated. STBXH didn’t budge at all (his position very different to mine and the judge’s). So we didn’t settle. I’m absolutely gutted. We are still in the home where for the last 18 months he has completely ignored me even in front of our primary age kids. I feel completely broken. A final hearing will be months away.

Sorry I don’t understand

That just means placemarking @Sadandbroken1

He's absolutely not going to get that. Just let it go to final and ask for costs.

Please please don’t crack

he will be given short shrift in court - especially on the maintenance request

You've got nothing to loose by going to the line. Please hold steady.

Write a list here of all the times he was a shit. It'll help you stay strong.

This is so interesting, as mostly you hear of judges being quite unfair. What made the judge do this, if you don’t mind me asking? I fear I am going the same way as op with a man who is disrupting and delaying just to make my life a misery.

Just to say so sorry you are going through this and thank heavens for a sensible judge

Thanks for all the comments and support. I have woken up today feeling completely broken. I swing from being so upset that I have worked so hard and might have so little to show for it, to feeling so guilty that I am being greedy and tryjng to deprive him (and the kids when they are with him) of a nicer house/more money to do things. I just feel completely overwhelmed. I just want everything to be fair but I don’t know what that looks like. I though I had a handle on things after the FDR but now he has lawyers and they are asking for this I feel really thrown.

@Sadandbroken1 let the court decide on what is fair. For the most part that is what the system is there to do and it does it very well. A 55/45 split is fair and his income is a perfectly acceptable one.

His idea of fair is that he gets it all that isn’t fair. You say you have two months just see it out now. Spousal maintenance doesn’t really exist

It's expected that you'll feel emotional and overwhelmed, you had been building up to the court date, felt things were being independently sorted & you've experienced another curveball. (Tbh it's not a curveball from him, he sounds like he's been consistently obstinate, unwaveringly financially driven & aiming to break you, so that ought not be a surprise) But to do that in a court where a judge is steering the decisions. He's going all out & wants to push every opportunity to get away with a lions share to punish you. Despite these being understandable feelings of sadness & being overwhelmed, the message we at MN want you to hear is don't let those feelings overtake you. Feel them, understand their origin but move on from them each day. Speak or email your solicitor, take proper advice, do not concede things that you will regret later. You are trying to keep things together for when your children are older & need stability & that is planning financially for the future. Take one day at a time, come to MN & write it down. It might be the first time you've felt it or experienced it, but there's a lot of MN wisdom here & you may find this is your outlet to keep you going.
On another note, he sounds so incredibly bitter that I'd be worried he'd be checking passwords, reading things such as emails, MN forums so just ensure you're safe in other ways.

He’s often said that I’m a bully. I don’t think that’s true, but I doubt myself sometimes. I don’t want to go to court and the Judge think that too.

Fight this arsehole, OP. He's a ridiculous turd.

You are NOT greedy and depriving him of things! We would all love bigger houses, fancy 'stuff' (and a dog 🙄) but if we cant afford them we cant afford them, its not our ex-partners responsibilty to provide them (now if you were a multi millionaire thats a bit different!)
Think about it this way, money not going to him what will you do with it? Buy a Bently? Go on 4star holidays by yourself? Of course not, you will use it to look after yourself and your children, pay for their school trips, summer holidays, university and your own retirement. DO NOT LET THIS ASS BREAK YOU NOW!!! You are so close to the end
And i agree with suggestions that you and the children need a break, or if he is decent to the children take yoyrself off for a night just to get out of the pressure cooker that is your house

Op

my heart goes out to you - please know that we are all rooting for you. You are a good person, you are kind and considerate I can see that

you have come way too far to back down now and you know how these lawyers work they’ll be writing and requesting whatever he has told them too.

Imagine he is a lawyers dream - foolish, they are paid by the minute and they will take what they can when they can. They love sending letters, demands etc they don’t really mind as they are paid handsomely

I promise you the judge is going to recognise his behaviour and requests as foolish!

You can do this. You will get through this.

His lawyers will ask for whatever he tells them to! Doesn’t make it right or fair or likely to happen!
the judge gave guidance at fdr on fair. That’s all you need to know

stick to that, if snything maybe up your final offer to 60:40 in his favour no spousal but otherwise stuck to your guns!

The judge gave you guidance so you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong to follow this. 2 months feels like an eternity right now but if you take it just day by day, look after yourself and try to keep your mind off things.

When I was still sharing a home with my ex we did agree on a 50:50 split and started this so the one ‘in charge’ did everything and the other parent would come and go as they liked. This enabled me to keep out of the house and out of the way and avoid him almost entirely. We had separate rooms.

@Sadandbroken1 I'm rooting for you too. I can imagine how frustrating and sad it must feel to feel trapped in this process still.

On the bullying comments, the fact that you doubt yourself and care about not being unfair to him completely points away from that being a reality. He sounds manipulative and mean. I think there's a type of man happy to enjoy the ease, comfort and status of being in a relationship with a talented and more capable (than him) woman but will weaponise those strengths against her when the relationship breaks down.

Although, unfortunately, the higher earner does tend to get shafted in divorce (because the law assumes equal contribution even when the weaker financial party has done nothing of the sort), nevertheless your husband's claim is ridiculous.

The judge gave an indication in FDR and it's rare that judges in a FH are very different. Stick to your guns and blast this parasite out of the airlock.

There is an old saying that: someone who represents themselves has a fool for a client. I think that describes your husband to a tee.

@Sadandbroken1 60% of your earnings at £6k (ballpark numbers) ??? You’re a clever lady, no one gets paid that shit without a bit of swagger. You’re feeling a bit down right now and deflated, but deep breath, you’ve got this.
I dunno the ins and outs of divorce, i imagine if the bloke was earning everyone would say take him to the cleaners.
regardless, surely you can afford a better lawyer than mumsnet advice. We’re here for you support wise but you need to get the right advice.

God OP I feel for you. I stayed living with my STBXH for the first two years (!!) of the divorce, while he delayed and obstructed and shouted and 'accidentally' opened doors into me (I had bruises) and barged into my room multiple times. Hideous. We had university aged children who now think he's an arse because of it.

Just to point out that the matrimonial home is considered to be joint, you don't own it more then he does. It sounds like you could buy him out though.

I think you're better off bracing yourself for a FH. Mine went to FH, I was awarded more than I asked for. Spousal maintenance is 'a thing', particularly in long marriages. I got it. Ex was not asked to leave the house though, not could I get an occupation order. We actually settled without having to do the cross examination bit.

Living with him was damaging my mental health so I moved out while he continued to delay the house sale for nearly three fucking years 🙄

Don't be afraid of court, there's no point in trying to negotiate with some people.

I completely recognise the house (and all assets) are joint
and am happy for him to have more than 50%. I also know spousal maintenance is a thing and would consider a reasonable offer but £6000 a month seems like an awful lot. I just feel like what he’s asking for is so much, particularly the share of the assets combined with the maintenance. It much more that my solicitor has advised or the judge said at the FDR and I don’t know how else to assess what is fair…

What you say about potential delay in a sale is something that really concerns me. That’s one reason why I think it would be good for him to keep the house. I just want to live somewhere where I’m not ignored as soon as I can.

I’m also really scared of going to court. He has said some really horrible things about me (particularly how I am a bad mum) and I’m really worried about that.

If the court says the house has to be sold then perhaps I’ll be able to move out then, but it will depend on how the finances all work out I guess.

Sorry you had to go through something similar. I hope life is better for you now.

Why would he get spousal support? He works and is capable of working and children have not impacted his ability to work or progress. i would feel the same if this was a women except where a parent has stopped working for the kids to let the other parent work. He deserves none of your wages and who cares if he will have a lower quality of life he still earns more than enough to live on. He's really taking the piss, please keep strong OP amd don't let him push this, it's hard to see a judge awarding it

No judge is going to entertain crap about what kind of mother you are. It's irrelevant and he will be slapped down