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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Didn’t settle at FDR

131 replies

Sadandbroken1 · 17/04/2023 18:07

Feeling so gutted. Had our FDR. The Judge’s indication was close to my offer made in advance of the FDR. I then moved to offer what the judge had indicated. STBXH didn’t budge at all (his position very different to mine and the judge’s). So we didn’t settle. I’m absolutely gutted. We are still in the home where for the last 18 months he has completely ignored me even in front of our primary age kids. I feel completely broken. A final hearing will be months away.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 29/07/2023 00:32

Cms will be based on cms rules after 12 months whatever is baked into a court order
courts don’t have power over child maintenance so remember that

personally i think it’s still to loaded his way …. Counter 60:40 no Spousal

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 29/07/2023 07:00

Countering with 60/40 isn’t going to work because he wants the house and he wouldn’t be able to keep
the house with that. It’s just so annoying that he has lost his job, otherwise he’d be able to take on the remaining mortgage.

With maintenance, CMS shouldn’t be payable by me in an equal shared care scenario. I’m not against agreeing some maintenance between us, but I need to know what that is before agreeing to a split in capital.

OP posts:
ThePM · 29/07/2023 07:03

Sadandbroken1 · 17/04/2023 20:03

Yes, that’s the right figure. I’m the higher earner but that’s about half my net income. He works and has always worked, earns around £45k a year.

I know he is being ridiculous (hence the judge’s indication) but I feel really guilty his standard of living will drop (though we have never spent anything like that and have savings). He’s been horrible to me but I just feel so greedy arguing about money like this.

But me knows deep down he’s being ridiculous. Just keep your powder dry and sit it out.

cheeky bastard.

MILLYmo0se · 29/07/2023 07:17

You are living through a terrible terrible situation OP and its calculated to break you so he gets more than is fair.
Look at it this way, you have managed to survive this for more weeks than you have left to survive it as your court date has to be close now, so one foot in front of the other until court. Its horrendous and no one would blame you if you opted to have peace in your life and gave him what he wants to get rid of him, but in reality thats your DCs money he would be walking off with. If he gets what he wants there is so much less for them (i know you dont care about there being less for you, you just want your life back) because he certainly wont be contributing to extra curriculars, uni etc

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2023 07:39

@Sadandbroken1 he may WANT the house but he doesn’t NEED it. A split that gives him enough capital to house himself will be sufficient.

you have to let the judge decide on this and he will. Keep offering the 60/40 make it clear that you are recognising his NEEDS in this and those of your children.

he can get another job indeed it will be expected. The fact that he has dropped support I think means he knows he is being unreasonable

millymollymoomoo · 29/07/2023 08:58

as above
he doesn’t need that house. He needs a house. And 60:50 gives him that

he’s perfectly capable of working, he’s simply choosing not to. And that won’t go down well in court

RandomMess · 29/07/2023 09:27

@Sadandbroken1 with one parent being a MUCH higher earner even with 50:50 then CMS do award maintenance being payable. Use the online calculator to get an idea of how much.

Collate evidence of what suitable homes he could afford to buy with a 60% share - all evidence that he and the DC would be adequately housed even if he chooses not to get a job.

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 29/07/2023 09:39

I’ve taken advice on the CMS and if there is equal shared care then no maintenance is payable - it’s regulation 50.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/07/2023 10:17

Advice from whom? Yes usually when it's 50:50 nothing is payable but when one parents is a significantly higher earner maintenance can be and does get ordered as payable.

Other posters on MN have discovered this to their benefit and cost.

RandomMess · 29/07/2023 10:23

Be prepared to evidence that you do 50% of all their care not just that nights are shared 50%.

Be under no illusion that being dismissed isn't part of his plan to get more capital and claim to do more than 50% even if nights are split. Of course once finances are agreed there is nothing to stop him getting a job and not spend on the DC as a final fingers up to you.

Another way to look at things is how much is it worth paying to get rid of him and move on with your life.

He clearly isn't reasonable or putting the DC first so be forewarned and armed. What do you think he is up to?

Flowers
Thisismynewusername1 · 29/07/2023 10:29

So you get 12k a month net?

how much is the house worth? You’ll pay him nearly 500k over 10 years maintenance, plus half the house value.

i’d be inclined to move out and let him have the house in lieu of maintenance, unless it’s worth millions.

it’s not like you won’t get a mortgage and will struggle to start again on that income.

Mumof3confused · 29/07/2023 23:48

So you’d have £390k in cash and what mortgage would you need to house yourself appropriately?

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2023 14:30

Don’t settle now. He’s gone too far. Let the judge decide.

millymollymoomoo · 30/07/2023 14:54

Why should op settle for 390k when her ex expects 850k plus?
both could be housed with a 50:50 split of assets
both will share 50:50 split of children

her husband has a career/job just ‘happens’ to have lost it recently but can easily return/ a job in which he’s not sacrificed earning or potential or any such the like to enable op to earn - he just has a lower paid job. But with no mortgage he’ll be fine and can do whatever he likes to earn money from there on in

hes been completely outrageous in his demands for assets and maintenance, refused to negotiate properly-even judge at fdr leaned towards op . She should stick to that offer

Mumof3confused · 31/07/2023 20:13

Not long now hopefully before the final hearing. Do you have a good barrister?

Original poster
Sadandbroken1 · 04/08/2023 14:57

We settled at court.

He’s keeping the house, I’m paying him £50k so he can pay off the mortgage (he will use his own savings for the rest). (He can’t take on the mortgage because he’s unemployed). About a 65/35 split of capital. Probably more than he would have got if the judge decided, but I’m happy the kids will have 2 nice houses.

And most importantly A CLEAN BREAK!

Really not sure how I feel now. Devastated one minute, elated the next, alone, excited, overwhelmed! Every emotion all at once!!

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for all the support over the past months. It’s been really hard and I’m honestly not sure I would have survived it without you lovely strangers on the internet. Thank you.

Off to view some houses now…

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 04/08/2023 15:01

You can now move on and build your new life without him knocking at your door.

Enjoy Right Move 🥰

RandomMess · 04/08/2023 15:01

You did the right thing by the DC.

Onwards and upwards.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/08/2023 17:38

Congratulations- you can move on and be free.

As @RandomMess says, you did the right thing by your DC.

Triphazard22 · 04/08/2023 18:53

Onwards and upwards!
I hope you can find somewhere suitable to buy very soon.

CuteCillian · 04/08/2023 19:27

Well done, here's to your future happiness Flowers

Anita848 · 04/08/2023 23:38

Enjoy your new life with your children! Live for you and them and enjoy every moment xx

AutumnCrow · 05/08/2023 00:09

Congratulations for getting through the stress of that Flowers

Mumof3confused · 05/08/2023 10:50

Congratulations! Now you are free.

I’m curious though, when you say you settled at court what does this mean? Before you went in to meet the judge?

Quitelikeit · 05/08/2023 15:25

God it kills me that he got that house.