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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Specific issue and child arrangements

125 replies

Menmum09 · 11/04/2023 10:46

I’ve been separated from my ex about 5 years. I recently moved in with my new partner, who I’ve been with for over 2 years. My ex wasn’t happy about this and tried everything to stop it. We moved so that we could build a much larger house so that we all had a lot more room, especially with my growing children. He couldn’t stop the move but has stopped the children moving to the school down the road. The school is just as good as the one they’re at now, it just means they don’t have to commute for 2 hours a day and can make friends in our new neighbourhood. His reasons are that he is worried about the emotional impact of them moving schools. I don’t believe this to be true and I feel he’s simply doing it because he can and it will cause issues.

He wouldn’t turn up to mediation and didn’t show up to the first hearing. My solicitor has also tried to put a childcare order in place, which states he gets one full weekend every alternate weekend - so we both get quality time. I’ve also said he can have time in the holidays and extra at Xmas and birthdays. He agreed at first but now is also fighting this. He’s making up malicious lies which he states he will be telling the courts and that I’ll regret taking him to court.

My ex isn’t a very nice man and I have had to have the police on him on numerous occasions. Unless it’s on his terms he becomes nasty and volatile. I’ve always maintained a relationship with the children and himself allowing most weekend access, this meant I had no quality time with them as we were all so tired from work and school.

Has anyone had similar dealings in court and what was your outcomes. All I want is my children to go to a local school and to have quality time with them. We’ve bought a tourer caravan and are planning lots of family mini breaks together, I don’t want my ex to now damage all the children’s plans through pure vindictiveness.

just to add, he’s trying to arrange visits with the kids via the kids instead of through me. I do think this isn’t fair on an 11 year old girl who is already very torn between two parents.

OP posts:
Timeforachange2023 · 11/04/2023 19:52

Has anybody asked the children what they think and why moving their school is in their best interests?

The court won’t focus on what either parent wants. The focus will be on what’s in the kid’s best interests.

Some of your post comes across as you dressing up your own wants as desires as the children’s plans.

Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 07:20

Yes, all 3 children want to move schools. I’ve always checked with them at every step. They hate the commute and are constantly tired at the moment. My ex won’t listen to what the children are saying.

I have already been told that the children won’t be asked in the proceedings, which I was quite shocked about.

I totally understand why you would think that, but no parents wants a child to commute to a school for an hour each morning and afternoon. Our days are 7-5 now. If the school was a high achieving school then I would be more inclined to keep them there, but it’s just as good as the one down the road.

I will and have always asked the children what they want, at every step and this is why we’re now in court because I believe in getting my children’s voices heard.

OP posts:
Greenfree · 12/04/2023 07:28

Does your ex do any school pick ups or drop offs? If he does then I am understand him wanting to keep them at a school local to him, if not then it sounds like he's just been a twat. I have joint access to my DD and wouldn't move too far away from her current school as it would make it difficult for her dad to do drop off etc during his time with her during the week. If I wanted to move and change her school I would have got consent or go via court before buying a new house etc

RandomMess · 12/04/2023 07:42

How old are the DC? If they are all at secondary school it's bad timing to move them.

Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:19

9, 11 and 13, so it will not impact on any major things, like exams. As I work in a school I know this is an optimum time to change. I’be also worked with children transitioning into other schools and can provide my children with w wet thing they need for a smooth transition.

Id just like to add, my ex has nothing to do with their school life. He does not see them midweek and has only ever been to one parents evening. He does not live close to either schools and it will not affect his time with the children. I’ve made sure of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:24

I will have to apply for secondary school for my youngest this year, but he won’t get in the school far away as he’s not in the catchment area. He’s aware of this and would like to make friends before going up to secondary.

all ofsted reports show all schools as good schools, all sharing very similar ethos and outcomes.

OP posts:
Azerothi · 12/04/2023 08:26

If he was as difficult as you say what did he do to give you the impression he would go along with you moving the children from their school so you could move in with a new boyfriend?

Was it you who, by moving, who inflicted the 2 hour commute on them or someone else? Am I missing something here?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 08:26

Why didn’t you discuss them moving schools before committing to a new house in a different area?

It looks like you’re trying to strong arm him by moving their home first and now saying how tired the commute makes them. You’re the one who moved them.

You describe him as horrible and unreasonable so this was always inevitable but you’re the one making unilateral decisions that suit you and your new partner. As their father with equal parental responsibility he gets an equal say in their school.

What lies is he threatening to tell about you?

Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:28

No, he does not drop offs or pick ups. He never has. Not even an offer when it snowed or any offer of help during the teacher strikes. I was really poorly and had to arrange my new partner to go in work late so he could transport the kids for me.

My ex thinks that my parents and new partner can transport the children each day. My dad is 72 and of ill health and my partner works.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:32

I did talk to him about the house move to which he told me I couldn’t. The house we were living in was small, damp and cold. The new house is far bigger and after the extension will give all children more space. He agreed eventually and then changed his mind when we’d moved. The children are more happier and settled now in this house than the one before. This wasn’t a decision I made lightly and my children were always at the forefront of every decision.

Also, financially, moving house was the best move. It means I have more money now for the children and we’re not struggling no where near as much.

OP posts:
CantWait01 · 12/04/2023 08:35

So the reason the children need to move schools is because you wanted to move to a larger house with a new partner? I think moving three children to different schools is drastic tbh and keeping their lives stable would have been best. I’m not sure where that leaves you legally as you have already made the move.

Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:37

He told both me and the kids he wouldn’t cause a fuss. He knew the move was happening and knew it was in the children’s best interests. It was always the plan to move them to a closer school. Unfortunately we can’t move back to that area and decisions must be made on their schooling now. Yes, I moved house, but it was to a better house. Surely, moving to a better house with more room and less financial struggle makes logical sense to any parent. I fail to understand why changing to an equally good school is an issue, especially when he has no involvement in it.

OP posts:
Azerothi · 12/04/2023 08:37

Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:32

I did talk to him about the house move to which he told me I couldn’t. The house we were living in was small, damp and cold. The new house is far bigger and after the extension will give all children more space. He agreed eventually and then changed his mind when we’d moved. The children are more happier and settled now in this house than the one before. This wasn’t a decision I made lightly and my children were always at the forefront of every decision.

Also, financially, moving house was the best move. It means I have more money now for the children and we’re not struggling no where near as much.

Sometimes small, damp and cold is the best and most loving home a child can have with their mum and siblings. Until she finds a new boyfriend that is.

harriethoyle · 12/04/2023 08:40

So you've unilaterally moved your joint children an hour away from their dad to live with your boyfriend and you're surprised he's pissed off? 🤔

Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:41

I fail to understand why moving makes it unstable? Keeping the children in a house that’s too small is better?? Giving them a loving home is wrong???? Giving them a better financial future ?? It’s not all about me and my new partner, this was giving the kids more room and a stable home. Just because it’s with a step parent and not crammed into a tiny damp house but near a school they don’t even like going to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:42

He didn’t live anywhere near us, so maybe get that fact straight. He lives 20 min away, which he decided to do when we split.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:44

Mums boyfriend that has supported and loved them for the past 2 and a half years? That when their dad got a drunk driving ban he drove the kids every week to see him? That is busting his backside to build them a better house and supports them financially? Don’t give step dads a bad name!! Disgusting how some of you are portraying mums and new boyfriends.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 12/04/2023 08:46

How did he manage to stop them moving schools?
Did he get a court order?

Greenfree · 12/04/2023 08:51

He sounds like he's been unreasonable tbh, he had agreed to the move and then changed his mind then I don't think you could have done anything differently. The fact he isn't involved with them during the week should go in your favour if it went to court as you do all the school stuff so would make sense for it to be closer to you. As long as he still gets his agreed contact then I don't think there is anything he can do. I would go via a solicitor and go to court, I think this will go in your favour based on legal advice from my own solicitor. My situation is different as we both have DD during the week so her school needs to be somewhere we both agree on and have easy access to.

Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:51

Giving my children loving home is my priority and loving with me and their stepdad is what’s best for them. They adore him and he does everything in his power to support them. Including taking them on holiday, helping with school when I’m struggling and helping provide a roof over their heads! He’s not just mums boyfriend! They call him their stepdad and so rightly so!! My ex has a new partner and if it works out I won’t have any issues with him moving in with her and my children calling her step mom! As long as the kids are loved and supported by all people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:52

We’re in court in May. He didn’t turn up to mediation and didn’t turn up to the first hearing. This is the final hearing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menmum09 · 12/04/2023 08:53

As he has parental responsibility he can stop them moving schools. Any parent can do it. I have taken him to court over the matter as it’s what my children want.

OP posts:
Facem81 · 12/04/2023 08:54

I’m whole heartedly with your ex

you moved in with a man you had known for 2 years knowing that it was going to cause your children massive upheaval

There is selfish and then there is this… which is entirely fucked up

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 08:55

2 years op

wtf

Your children will hardly know him and now they’re forced to share a bathroom, lounge, dinner time with him.

in fact YOU hardly know him

Sux2buthen · 12/04/2023 08:58

Almost all wanky replies.
OP, he's being a twat. If you can't change anything he's doing then all you can do is rise above it and don't let him know he has any power.
Be happy in your new family set up and glad he's not there, he sounds like a bitter moron