@2023Divorce
I can’t even try and tag all the necessary posters here offering silly advice.
When I separated from my EW yes I’m the EX Husband, things went nasty really quick on her side and I couldn’t get my head round what happened or why I had no contact requested sent, I was in disbelief that the woman I loved became unrecognisable, A friends Wife suggested I came to this page to see divorce from a woman’s prospective, and I can say wow I got my eyes opened. ITS DIFFERENT.
- To see so many people offering the very advice my ex was doing to me with out evidence facts or truth was shocking, upsetting, and honestly vile. What about the poor people who actually suffer domestic abuse, I haven’t looked to the figures of cases upheld and abusers charged but seeing how common it is advised to state the abuse saga for the smallest or reasons I can’t think it’s an easy time in court for true victims, if they ever got that far. Not many people know what happens within a home especially if the abuse isn’t physical if false corrosive and financial control accusations is stated it is easy to defend if the accused male or female provides personal message history, bank statements. (Abuse is not always from a male)<~~rREAD THAT AGAIN
- I did actually accept I was at fault for a lot of things because of stuff I read on here, Jesus a husband walking in the front door after work and having the nerve to relax on the sofa for 15 minutes gets some women telling an OP they have a laze DH and they need to leave that man child., but I personally did fail to realise the true extent of how annoyed my ex became of the household duties while I worked away, my ignorance not acknowledge the likes of a basket of ironing needing done<~~Now I will add to that the only time I hear my ex was ironing when I was away was for about an hour on a Sunday night to do the DC’s school clothes. At the end of our relationship she would literally empty the washing basket at some point on the 3 nights I was back from being away working the previous 11 then spend days complaining about it, was a massive basket and emptying by ironing all in it never happened before our last year year together.
- How when a woman asks for a divorce the reality is she checked out a long time prior to asking do the STBX and yourself a favour don’t ask them to change because it won’t be enough, and honestly no disrespect but the talk of feeling nothing or violated while having sex with DH or carrying on with just enough emotional connection and affection to keep DH happy is just pathetic and degrading to anyone doing that, sad thing is men DH’s are easy to manipulate and after an argument or rough patch when things have been talked over the added bonus of makeup sex the DH thinks that’s it alls good again.
- all the important documentation to gather up, that turned out to be extremely useful or maybe a bit to useful but I wasn’t blindsided so thanks for that.
First of all it was no contact from her no explanation just a message saying exactly that, however naturally after over 10 years together I asked what the message was about, we were separated and trying to work to a point get ourselves back to a one house family for a couple of years but still very much what I believed to be husband and wife, obviously we had our ups and downs but this was a new escalation that l had never been used before, 10 minutes later the police are at my door giving me a warning not to make contact again they had to have been sitting with her when she hit the send button.
I will add they wouldn’t even tell me why or what was being said about me that had them visit me just simply she requested no contact and I wasn’t allowed to contact her.
weeks past whispers started I was told corrosive control and financial abuse was being talked about so I was being tainted as a domestic abuser.
I had previously read posts on here the next step was a non molestation order, that was my cue to seek legal advice talk about starting the divorce proceedings and prepare to defend myself and clear my name from false accusations.
I did successfully defend the lies at the non molestation hearing so thank you mums net, my solicitor had mountains of evidence ready well before the notice came it was being heard in court 5 days later, that in itself is a joke, if I hadn’t been aware this was the next move it would have went through as defence in 5 days is almost impossible months prior it took 10 days for the years of bank statements to come, alto it helped that didn’t clear my name or reputation these cases are not on the court reports in the local paper but the closest people knew and that’s all that mattered.
When the divorce was in is last stages especially (financial) she still continued with the financial abuse accusations by then I had a 2nd solicitor financial expert go through all bank statements for our whole marriage incase the above was brought in to question, I had a marriage of being told she needed more money and what I gave was never enough and in my option these were false accusations so I as a lot of you like to say I got my ducks in order before I the shit hit the fan.
Without going in to all the details but between regular payments to my ex wife’s account weekly there was lots of other payments at random times, a credit and fuel card with the balance paid in full monthly roughly averaged about £1500 per month and before you all jump in saying it wasn’t enough I paid the rent and bills, when home every other weekend I done a massive Food shop to give her a few extra £ she didn’t expect, my ex never asked for money but in an argument I didn’t provide enough to keep her and the kids was the 1st thing to be fired at me.
I’d been told her and the kids were leaving multiple times usually resulting in me pleading my love and begging for her to stay and asking what the issue was now I realise that giving her power to stamp her authority which always resulted in another little detail she didn’t like about me having to stop x behaviour or change y, thing is it is clear now that She had already checked out and like OP had a second account, I wasn’t aware of funny thing is I never asked to see her bank balance I only ever asked is she had enough money or did she need any transferred, so I now can only guess it was to try any hide her leaving fund like the OP but her false accusations came to light with a big dose of karma , I had also hired a financial solicitor to clear my already locally tarnished name, which I had now realised any successful defence from a false accusation doesn’t get printed for all to see.
I can admit I wasn’t a proper part of the family circle due to working away it was. something I’d done for years before we met, for me it was always better money,I believed by continuing to do that when our first child DD was born I was providing the family with whatever the house needed.
2 years later our DS was born and after my wife’s maternity leave was finished the kids at the ages they were the daily childcare need for them so my ex could go to go back to work was £200 Pm less than what she would make by working 180 hours in her job so it really didn’t make sense, when it was talked about what to do,(she instigated the conversation) and knew led me on the her already made decision but we were in a position financially that if she was a SAHM it really wasn’t an issue.
I know it was difficult for her being effectively a single parent in terms of the day to day duties running the house and the kids school runs and clubs on her own 75% of the time, i’m gutted for the time I missed them growing up but if presented the same choices again I’d find it hard not to do work the way I did and provide in exactly the same way, it had had an effect on my relationship with the Kids they were initially team mummy, I know they will get older and hopefully one day realise for themselves I missed the early part of their lives to earn money and not not because I choose to be away which my DS had previously said, at the time he was 6 saying a statement straight out of my Exw’s mouth. 💯 I heard it before loads.
I had a LTD company outsourcing myself for various roles in my field of work abroad, it enabled me to take a week off around each of the two children’s birthdays a week at Easter 2 weeks in the summer, parents night sports a day and a few other random days for meaningful events here and there and 3-6weeks at Christmas( January was usually a difficult month to get started on a contract) as mostly they had to be finished prior to the Christmas break. More than Double the holiday’s of a PAYE employee receiving paid holidays, if I didn’t work I couldn’t invoice.
While I was missing 75% of the kids lives to finance the house/family with whatever was asked for my ex was actually living a single mum life so to speak, I heard that you do F##k all I’m basically a single mum statement more than I love you 😂
One of the perks with a Ltd company I paid myself a minimum wage to keep my stamp towards pensions accumulating, and paying personal tax at the legally minimum most efficient way of working things and before people jump in at that, between the VAT and corporation tax I paid that was over £25,000 per year.
As I said I paid myself minimum wage and used a professional accounting company who advised me on all tax affairs.
I have never claimed benefits in my life so I have no notion on what, how much or how to go abound claiming anything apart from a £900 spouse tax deduction my accountant always submitted because my ex wasn’t working, I saw my mother struggle when I was growing up and it gave me a drive to not be I that position of relying on the benefits system Especially when I had kids.
Regardless of the above after her accusing me of financial abuse in the marriage not only was it proved false but turns out I was the one getting Financially abused I paid her £900pm for the rent because she said said from early days years ago it would be better if the rent left her bank as she was home and any issues she could be contacted or deal with the letting agent. Well that was being half covered by a joint benefit claim paid directly to her bank account awarded using my low £9000 personal income stated on my P60 in-line year on year and my signature
(((OBVIOUSLY)))🤔
outside of housing benefits she got over £14,500 a year on similar acquired joint claims for various benefits I didn’t know about.
the company is taking a year or so off as I am now a full time STAH dad while she is serving an 18 month sentence for her second time being caught cheating the benefits system. Karma is a bitch.
I believed every word my ex said in all conversations when she said she needed extra money how could I ever questioned it 90% of the time it was one or the two kids needed something, complained she never done anything for herself made excuses of how she had no money I had began to start to feel guilty she was finding the STAHM as that was the complaints I was getting from her well she’s now got a break away from a majorly stressful life that I absolutely love and the timing was perfect because the kids were starting to distance but now our relationship is the best it’s ever been, I don’t speak poorly of my ex to the kids but even they are aware as DD was told very quickly by another child In school, her abuse accusations have absolutely no merit now,
Don’t throw stones in glass houses
For the OP I wouldn’t pay any attention to any of the comments apart from the car, but because you had the money to buy the car prior to separating it will go down as a marital assets, I couldn’t tell you what they looked in to with my ex but I had to provide 6 years personal and business bank statements