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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Long Distance Dad

108 replies

Eric7 · 27/08/2022 12:21

Hi,

Just wondering how kids relationships have changed with long distance dads. Going through a toxic divorce and sadly likely to move back to home town.

I've read posts on how to maintain relationships via Skype, sending letters, presents etc. I probably at best will be staying in a hotel every couple of weekends to see my two and then they'll stay with me half school holidays.

Have read varying posts about it being quality over quantity in terms of time spent.

I want to be part of their lives. They are 6 and 8. I love them both but I have a stronger relationship with my son (daughter worships her mum). But the toxic environment my ex has created here has made staying impossible as I have no support network here anymore.

Would appreciate any comments from mums / dads. Appreciate I'll be labelled a disney dad. Or a glorified uncle. But I guess any advice on how to make such an arrangement work, and whether kids still have a good relationship with their dad if he lives some distance away.

Cheers

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 27/08/2022 15:20

Don’t move away ?

Spohn · 27/08/2022 15:34

Would you not be applying for 50/50 parenting? Especially to spare your kids from your ‘toxic’ wife, surely you’d have already started the court ordered access for this?

Piffle11 · 27/08/2022 15:38

If your exes so toxic I'm surprised you're even considering moving away. I'm sure your children will need you on a regular basis? I don't know anyone with young children where this has worked. if you are not seeing your children week in week out, and if your ex meet someone else, he will be the father figure in their life. I really struggle to understand anyone willing to move away from their children: no matter how you try and dress it up, it's a shitty thing to do.

melonred · 27/08/2022 16:09

Why do you need a support network when the choice is between your dc and moving so far away you won't see them that often?! Surely you can travel to your support network and stay near your dc.

Original poster
Eric7 · 27/08/2022 19:33

Hi. Thanks for responding.

I have spent over a year trying to get into a good head space to stay here. But I can't. I feel the person who I am is slowly degrading. We stayed here because my ex wife wanted to. She built up a bunch of mates. I thought I did. But now it appears they were only really mates because I was with my ex and it was via her female mates.

So I am now facing going through divorce on my own. All the support has been from life long friends back home. The idea of staying here and living on my own with no support sadly makes me feel sick.

Hence accepting that yes its shitty, but I want to save the person I am rather than stay and my kids get to see a very different person.

OP posts:
Smellywellyhoo · 27/08/2022 19:38

So you'd rather be close to your friends than your kids, basically? And your ex is the toxic one?

millymollymoomoo · 27/08/2022 19:56

You can build your life up where you are and maje friends anywhere
yiur kids won’t forgive you and you’ll lose them. If you want they crack on
if not do not leave

Northernlurker · 27/08/2022 19:59

If you want to be part of their lives as a father then you have to be part of their lives. That means every week doing the straightforward ordinary stuff. Yes parenting is often isolating. Save zoom for your adult mates who you can keep a remote connection with,

economicervix · 27/08/2022 22:30

You can pick your mates over the kids you chose to have, and your kids will form their own through on you as a parent based on your choices. Other posters pointed out you can travel to see your mates, and be a long distance friend, to prioritise your kids, just as a bare minimum level of parenting, but sounds like you want your mates more.

economicervix · 27/08/2022 22:31

*own thoughts

Original poster
Eric7 · 28/08/2022 00:08

I am not choosing mates over kids. I am choosing an environment that isn't going to lead to me feeling quite low constantly. It's just isn't as simple as I prefer my mates to my kids.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 00:16

I appreciate this is really difficult for you, but if you do this it will be interpreted as a massive rejection for your children and might damage them forever. I would think very long and hard about this and about what might be done to help you stay close to them.

EatingWormsMichael · 28/08/2022 00:18

I'm another one who would recommend staying near kids. Could you not flip your thinking and do 2 weekends a month in your home town with some longer breaks there too?

My situation is a bit different, we split when dc was toddler and ex moved abroad so he sees dc maybe 2 or 3 times a year. They get on well but I think your description of "fun uncle" is about right. Its all my dc has known so I don't think they question the arrangement - I think your kids might feel differently if they've had you at home for first 6/8 years of their lives.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2022 00:20

What steps have you taken over the past year to improve your situation?? That would colour my response.

I find it very odd that a fully grown adult can’t work through issues relating to where they live for the sake of their kids.

Have you taken into account how it will impact your mental health if your relationship with your kids suffers.

in your shoes I would give it another year. Spend that year in counselling, eating well, exercising, minimal alcohol, other things for your mental health (eg yoga, meditation). Also building up a new circle of friends. This can take time as an adult.
Then reassess

JessesMum777888 · 28/08/2022 00:22

My dad moved to his home country when I was 5. Saw him in the holidays and then maybe once a year spoke every Tuesday. I’m 40 now love him to pieces and we’re very very close.
you also have i phones Skype etc now which will make it easier x

SarahDippity · 28/08/2022 00:40

What ages are the children?

Is there anything in your new proposed location that might fit in with their life plan?

eg if they are teens and you are moving to a city/town with a college or uni that they might reasonably go to in a few years, YANBU. If the impact of your moving is to effectively sever your regular relationship, YABVVU. Adults can adjust and build new lives more easily. Be there for them.

Original poster
Eric7 · 28/08/2022 08:28

I absolutely do not want to sever ties. I will drive the 200 miles each way every 2 weeks to spend a day / night with them. And I'll hopefully get 50% of holidays.

My son has been to my home town lots of times and loves it. 2 of my friends he calls uncles. Big city with v good University. So there is a chance if they do Uni then could move closer.

But the point on uncle I get. But in my mind I know I am capable of using the guilt to make sure I see them regularly and be in their lives. Whereas I am unsure I can manage to stay down here and be the best person I can be.

Have to be honest with myself.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2022 08:34

You know kids are happy with parents who get it right 60 percent of the time right? You don’t need to be the best person you can be.

You’re not coming across well tbh.

Keroppi · 28/08/2022 08:37

Why don't you stay close but move areas so you get a fresh start, new people, join a gym and local dad classes? Maybe wait it out a year so your kids have you nearby for the most challenging time after split then reassess

LemonTT · 28/08/2022 08:47

Eric7 · 28/08/2022 00:08

I am not choosing mates over kids. I am choosing an environment that isn't going to lead to me feeling quite low constantly. It's just isn't as simple as I prefer my mates to my kids.

You are choosing a solution that will cause stress and conflict for your children.
They will have friends and hobbies that will cut across your contact. Meaning they are left with decisions no child should face or not being able to have a normal childhood.

Just build a new network of friends. Then be a parent who is present and available.

Original poster
Eric7 · 28/08/2022 08:48

Okay. What is it I could do to come across well? Is it basically not move or anything else? That seems to be the only solution here?

OP posts:
Lurapuppypants · 28/08/2022 08:52

Can you try putting down more roots where you are? Volunteering, getting involved with the kids' school, joining a local sports team?

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2022 09:46

You could answer the question about what you have done in the past year to improve your situation.

vivainsomnia · 28/08/2022 10:46

You really need to consider the commitment that being so far away will mean if you really intend to be there for your kids.

Travelling 200 miles every other weekend for years is going to be both expensive and exhausting. Can you truly say you will keep it up no matter what? What if you meet someone new, have more children, will you keep it up then too?

Many dads make the promise to keep in regular contact but after a couple of month, realise they can't sustain it. It's one excuse, then another, next thing a month go by, than 3, then the kids don't care much to see dad because their worlds are miles apart emotionally too and they have other engagement during the weekends.

You can rebuilt a life without going back to your friends. You can make new ones that have nothing to do with your ex.

In the end, it's your choice but don't fool yourself that moving 200 mike's away and remaining a good dad is going to be fine. It will very hard work and demand other types of compromise.

economicervix · 28/08/2022 13:01

SarahDippity · 28/08/2022 00:40

What ages are the children?

Is there anything in your new proposed location that might fit in with their life plan?

eg if they are teens and you are moving to a city/town with a college or uni that they might reasonably go to in a few years, YANBU. If the impact of your moving is to effectively sever your regular relationship, YABVVU. Adults can adjust and build new lives more easily. Be there for them.

The ages are in the OP.
He won’t answer why he won’t parent 50/50, or why he’s fine with leaving them with a ‘toxic’ woman.