Long Distance Dad

[Eric7]

Hi,

Just wondering how kids relationships have changed with long distance dads. Going through a toxic divorce and sadly likely to move back to home town.

I've read posts on how to maintain relationships via Skype, sending letters, presents etc. I probably at best will be staying in a hotel every couple of weekends to see my two and then they'll stay with me half school holidays.

Have read varying posts about it being quality over quantity in terms of time spent.

I want to be part of their lives. They are 6 and 8. I love them both but I have a stronger relationship with my son (daughter worships her mum). But the toxic environment my ex has created here has made staying impossible as I have no support network here anymore.

Would appreciate any comments from mums / dads. Appreciate I'll be labelled a disney dad. Or a glorified uncle. But I guess any advice on how to make such an arrangement work, and whether kids still have a good relationship with their dad if he lives some distance away.

Cheers

He won’t answer why he won’t parent 50/50, or why he’s fine with leaving them with a ‘toxic’ woman.

The second part is easy to answer as a toxic ex-partner does not mean they are a dreadful parent to their kids especially long term.

In regards to the first part - depending how the OP parented while with his ex-partner will relate to what time he will be allowed to have his kids. So if his ex was the primary parent he isn't going to get 50/50 as that will be too much upheaval for his kids.

However what the OP is ignoring is if he does get on well with his son he needs to stay living close. As once the boy is secondary age if he chooses to spend more time with his father without it impacting his education then there is little his ex can do.

I fought tooth and nail to remain an active father in the lives' of my children, in the face of emotional, physical and financial abuse from their mother. There were days where I wanted to never wake up, but I couldn't let my children down.

I'm happy to report that my children are flourishing and that we have a meaningful relationship that goes beyond just play. The sacrifices I made have paid off.

Fight to be an active parent. Your children will appreciate it. If not now, in the future.

Op, I want to be sympathetic but you do t come across well. Even just the comment about not being close to your daughter... it's so passive. What have you done to bulild that relationship? You sound like bil, who, after he pretty much abandoned his dd, once he reappeared in her life, would whine that his 1st year old daughter didnt4 call him often enough.

You are the grown up. You have to step up here. Agree with other posters re leaving but if you are simply unable and unwilling to prioritise your children, then what can you do to mitigate? For example, are you ensuring you are paying maintenance so their4 lives aren't negatively impacted by poor financials? What active plans and activities can you make for the time they will spend with you? What remote support are you willing to provide? Mil spends hours on FaceTime with dd chatting and watching her as she plays with her toys or does crafts. Unsurprisingly, her and dd are super close.

Stay near them. Join a gym/football team and build a new life. Have them 50/50. Go see your friends on your weekends off.

That’s the best advice I can give you tbh.

Op my stbexh left nearly four years ago and he only lives about a mile away but dc have just lost interest in him. I think you underestimate how much they value being close to their things in their space. There have been occasions where tow have had diffe

Bollocks pressed send too soon. This keeps happening.

I was going to say that as a single mum there have been times where my two have had different clubs or parties and I’ve relied on friends and it would be great if their dad was more of a presence in their life. Plus it would be great if they had a room in his flat to keep toys and things.

So my point is a hotel room and fun outings won’t give them the security and stability they ultimately want.

The key to staying close is regular contact, so u feel like u are part of their life and I have a life with them. That will be tricky from a hotel room as they won't have a place in your life to call theirs. But I would say phone calls every couple days. Maybe send each other postcards or pictures? Then when they are with you quality time together.

MY ex was a completely uninvolved dad. When ds was born he morphed into 1950s man. I think he changed about three nappies in a year, did one bath time, no nights.
I stuck it out for two years then we left.

oddly, it has helped. I moved home 85 miles and ex now has to make an effort to see ds. He has to put time aside specifically and ds now sees more of his dad than when we lived together, and I get 7 hours to myself a week.
It's still not ideal but better than it was.

One thing, you mention driving 200 miles like it is a big sacrifice. My ex thought he was a hero for driving the 170 mile round trip each sunday until I pointed out I do 140 miles school run, doctor, dentist, swimming lessons, play dates, parents evenings, sports days. And I have ds 340 nights a year. Then he stopped moaning.
I'm not saying you are wrong, but just try walking a mile in your ex's shoes when you consider things. Good luck.

I think you should stay. But in the absence of that, you need proper regular contact. Do they have tablets? There's an pp called Stars that is a kid friendly messaging app. Get that for them so you can communicate regularly. Don't leave them out of your life... so if that means long chats 3 days a week, so be it.m when me or dh are away from the dc, we are in regular messaging with them, we might play roblux with them etc. it takes time and effort but we do it because that's what good parents do. If you think you can maintain contact with a visit every 2 or 3 weeks ands a few post cards, You are delusional.

I don't want to assume the worst but are you willing to put that level of time in? In other words, just because you aren't together, doesn't mean that you can't spend time together.

Another one saying stay. A hotel, EOW really isn't a good solution. That's likely to mean you won't have your children overnight.

You will miss out on all the local connections such as school events & parents evenings.

There is a recent post about why men leave their children and the answer seemed to be "because they can". You are falling into that camp.

Everyone can make new friends, in fact going back is never a great strategy. You are older and life back home won't be the same again.

I would also encourage you to try to lower the toxicity in the relationship with your ex. This will have the most positive impact on your children's wellbeing.

It seems like you are running away because it's really tough now but that won't always be the case.

If you can't live in the same town/village as your ex move to the next town.

Could you not move 20 / 30 minutes away to a different area and try and make new friends and build a life there. I couldn't live 200 miles from my child and I'd never see another living soul to stay near them. I understand you want to get away from your ex but seeing your kids every 2 weeks is nothing. Instead of skyping your children, can't you Skype your friends back home for support instead ? See your friends every second weekend ?

Can you see that the feedback you're getting @Eric7? By moving away you're choosing to opt out of being a parent. Parenting's a full time job with countless tedious tasks as well as the fun times. Kids need access to their parents at all times and you need to be available for all the boring parenting work - the pick ups, the illnesses, the clubs and activities, the one to ones and the family times. A couple of weekends in a Premier Inn each month is not being a "good enough" parent.

You are choosing to prioritise what's best for you over what's best for the kids. Good parents don't do that. But I'm sure you can find lots of 'reasons' to justify why looking after yourself is more important than looking after your kids.

My father was a drop-in dad and while I like his company as a person I will never forgive him for leaving me. It's not ideal having to stay somewhere that doesn't feel like home, but at the very least you need to be honest with yourself that as your children see it you are leaving them.

If you leave they won't ever be living with you, you'll only ever be visiting them. You won't be providing them with a home and they won't feel at home with you - that's not just comfort but the security and safety that goes with it. In their minds you are leaving them as well as their mother. And because you won't be an active parent to them the visits will slip, something will come up and you won't be able to travel, or they will be doing an activity that makes it less worthwhile for you to travel so far to spend minimal time with them. You will become a duty to them, and as you feel less valued by them you will put less effort in (you already comment that your daughter isn't as close to you and it seems you won't put as much effort in for her to counteract this). This is a road well travelled by many men before you - I'm sorry but it's just very unlikely you'll be able to go against the grain on this one.

Hi there. My partner, daughter and I live long distance from my stepdaughter. I would say it’s really important to be consistent with the routine, for example we face time every X day at Xpm, and she visits regularly. I think this helps as she always knows when she will next visit or speak to us, I think when it’s unknown there are issues.
Quality over quantity definitely helps - we’re able to plan more things and i think sometimes it can feel like a mini holiday away for them. Equally she has her own space and things here, which I think is important for consistency. Sometimes she will want to bring her sleepwear and bedtime book from home which just helps with the transition.
Personally I would keep hotels to a minimum. We did this initially and it was very stressful for us as a couple, but also, it felt like a false environment. We didn’t have her things, and it didn’t feel like home. We found our time was better spent at our home, of which she then felt part of.
Occasionally we will spend time where she lives, dropping her off at parties, picking her up from school on Friday etc. This is so her friends and teachers know us - we didn’t want her to have two distinctly different lives so were keen to to be present in both of her home towns. We also regularly speak to the teachers (who tell us our situation isn’t uncommon) which again helps - she knows we’re engaged and involved in her life, even if we aren’t local to it.
We send cards every so often (she is too young for email) but the face time contact is what helps the most when we don’t see her in person.
Hope this helps!

Also, just to add, communication is key. It doesn’t sound like you have the best relationship with your ex partner but it’s important for both families to be positive about the move. We let our stepdaughter decorate and furnish her room and she also chose bits for the kitchen and lounge. I think this helped her feel that this was her home too. We made sure to talk about the move positively and made a calendar so she knew when we would speak, how often, what we would do etc (places to visit where you are moving to). All of this was shared, positive communication across the two families.

My dad moved hundreds of miles from his kids and married again and had two more kids. He actually did manage to keep a good relationship with them but if I'm completely honest that was due to my mum's efforts. He wouldn't have remembered the birthdays of the kids he lived with let alone the ones miles away but my mum made sure he rang them and sent gifts etc. I remember looking at him a bit differently once I was old enough to realise he'd left two kids to build a new life away from them. He was a lovely guy and all 4 kids got on well with him but at the same time, that was a very selfish action.

Hi all. Thanks for all the responses. Everyone I have read carefully and considered. It's sadly dreadful with my ex. The divorce is bitter and in essence she wants the majority of the assets and to live on my salary whilst not going back to work. Part of the reason of moving away is to get away from her as she used to be my best friend but no I have no clue who she is. We cannot afford 2 houses where we live and if she successfully gets a mesher order, I'll be completely stuffed and would not be able to afford a house and probably will struggle to get a flat.

Irrespective I need to make a decision at some point. Maybe I'll give it a go and stay. If she accepts 50:50 parenting then great. If it ends up I barely see them, and they stay with her, then maybe that might sway me to move back as I wouldn't see them there much here.

Cheers again for taking the time to read and respond on this. Xx

Things will get better OP, you are at the worst stage right now.

Op have you actually met a solicitor yet? I’m sure she’ll be expected to go back to work when the youngest reaches a certain age or look to start training for a job. And if you want your dc overnight you’ll both be expected to have a home for them. This is what my solicitors told me.

Seconding the suggestion of a solicitor. You really need legal advice while you try to navigate what's best for your children as well as yourself.

Cheers. I have got a solicitor and she thinks the same. Extreme requests from her side and refusal to go back to work. It's sad as someone who was my best mate now just sees me as a cash cow for her lifestyle.

if there aren’t enough assets to go round the assets generally follow the parent With majority care - as housing them becomes priority but that does not mean one party receives everything and the other nothing.
can she afford to pay mortgage and bills if awarded a mesher? Are you considered a high earner? Spousal maintenance is not generally awarded now unless short term interim and time bound and based on ability to pay. She will be expected to work or at least not be reliant on you

stay and fight for your children

Mesher orders are rare nowadays. Focus on fighting for 50/50 custody.

It feels overwhelming at the moment but it will get better as the divorce is settled. There is an end to it. Your relationship with your kids is forever.

Her stance is she will only go back to work once she knows what the financial settlement is. So it's almost like waiting for how much spousal maintenance she can get, and then plug the gap with whatever works gets her back to the lifestyle she led.

I do earn a good salary but most of it is bonus. So suspect would fall into the high earner category.