Long Distance Dad

[Eric7]

Hi,

Just wondering how kids relationships have changed with long distance dads. Going through a toxic divorce and sadly likely to move back to home town.

I've read posts on how to maintain relationships via Skype, sending letters, presents etc. I probably at best will be staying in a hotel every couple of weekends to see my two and then they'll stay with me half school holidays.

Have read varying posts about it being quality over quantity in terms of time spent.

I want to be part of their lives. They are 6 and 8. I love them both but I have a stronger relationship with my son (daughter worships her mum). But the toxic environment my ex has created here has made staying impossible as I have no support network here anymore.

Would appreciate any comments from mums / dads. Appreciate I'll be labelled a disney dad. Or a glorified uncle. But I guess any advice on how to make such an arrangement work, and whether kids still have a good relationship with their dad if he lives some distance away.

Cheers

I have to say, it's not really up to you what role model your ex provides your dc.
My mum never worked. I went back to work when dc was 6mo. Everyone's different. Some people can't cope working ft with small dc.
Courts will agree that pt is suitable for young dc for the main carer. Ft work is suggested as dc get older.
Good luck anyway but I hope you don't move away. I'm sure it's all possible but much nicer for dc to grow up knowing you're easily accessible especially once they can independently visit you.

@AmyandPhilipfan if you don't mind me asking what did your dad do to maintain the relationship with you? How often did you see him. And I guess this is personal buy have to ask. Do you love him / care about him? Or has him leaving (despite his efforts to stay in touch) blighted any feelings you have for him? Send me a PM if easier?

so you would live 200 miles away from the toxic wife ?

No.

You want to live so far away because it gives you an excuse to see them every other week. If you really loved your kids, you would live nearby so that you could see your kids several times a week.

what support are you needing from your friends ? Surely you have friends where you were living ? Are you telling me you don't have a single friend where you are now and all your friends are 200 miles away ? I don't buy it.

You want to drive 200 miles to spend a night or day with them you say. Yes, absolutely do it because it gives you 26 free days to do whatever you want, and their "toxic " mother can look after the kids you love so much. You can have 26 days of support from your. mates while they hold your beer.

At age 6 and 8, kids get ill often and it is nightmarish dealing with sick kids in the middle of the night, especially if you are alone. That's OK with you because you are 200 miles away and if the mother called you, well you will be sound asleep like a baby. So she will just have to deal with it herself.

You can convince yourself you are the best dad as much as you like.

But actions speak louder. Stay closer, find support closer, or someone else will step into the dad role and you will regret that.

@tsttst Hi. Nope. I am certainly not convincing myself I am a good dad! Far from it. I know that if I move it will be regarded as a shitty thing. And I will be labelled disney dad by most mums on here.

So trust me in that you saying what you have is news to me. It isn't.

The issue is I probably have 1 person locally who i can call a friend. All the other dads I knew were the other halves of the friends she built up. And they have stopped communicating with me. I am out of that group now.

Coupled with this is the way in which my ex has behaved, basically wanting to financially destroy me for her own benefit.

So I feel completely shit. And bitter now. So I have to be honest. Is it good for me to be more around my kids and be bitter and live in an environment that gives me anxiety. Or see less of them, but be in an environment where I rebuild my confidence because there are good people there who have cared and supported me whilst I have gone through this.

If only life was so easy as just burying all this crap deep and being there for the kids.

OK i. get it. You need time to recover. But being 200 miles away is not best for your kids. Can i suggest counseling and therapy. You will get professional help and also they can point to support groups. How about trying that for two months and see your kids.

Or go back to your home town and drive the 200 miles etc...and after a couple of months come back, it is not forever.

It won’t be regarded as a shitty thing - it WILL be a shorty thing

the only thing you are thinking about is yourself

you think you can’t cope without friends but your young children will be just fine coping WITHOUT THEIR FATHER

how can you not see how totally and utterly self centered your thinking is??

We have to consider that the OP is the one who had the divorce papers sprung on him and is probably depressed. Please seek counseling OP. The thing is , he can't cope right now. And can't think straight.

Surely the better option is to move out of the town your ex lives in, but into an area which is still reasonably close to enable a proper relationship with your children. If your ex is “toxic” as you say then your children need to maintain a strong bond through regular visitation with you. That won’t be possible if you are 200 miles away. Unless you are a hermit of have other issues that mean you will find it impossible to make new friends then just move a shorter distance away and create a network.

OP. You have to find a way through this. Your children are your strength. Get counseling and help, and stay near by if possible. You don't have to see the mother.

I have thought about moving away but still being close. But that doesn't solve any of the issues as I won't see the kids mid week and it will only by EOW. So I am unsure how this could be a solution as it doesn't solve either concern.

And making new friends in your 40s when your kids live elsewhere is unlikely (sorry I should stress my definition of friend is someone who you clearly get on with but you also trust and they are there when you need them). Trust me. I have tried here but always feel ass and added extra as the groups her are very cliquey.

So if I stay, it has to be a minimum of 12 months if I rent. But I don't what is least worse.

Stay for 12 months, then accept it is not working and leave (albeit very slim chance it might work).

Or go. Hate being away from my kids. And come back. But at least the message to the kids is clear now on the initial move. I could hate it. Or I could be okay with it, and more importantly the kids might be okayish with it.

so your aiming for the kids be okayish?

honestly op you need to just be honest with yourself - you are prioritizing your own emotional need for friends to your childrens emotional need to have a father.

of course many children are fine without present fathers - but you clearly want to be (seen to be) a great father without - in fact - making sacrifices and actually being there.

and for what it’s worth - any nice women would run a mile if she knew you’d moved away from your kids. But I suspect you are not a terribly nice man yourself so that probably not an issue

This.

I think you need to frame being there for your kids a lot more positively than this. For most people men and women, moving away from their kids would be unthinkable. The fact that you can think it shows you in a very bad light.

First things first. Surely you have good legal advice. Move forward with that. Ask about best way to get out the toxic still living together thing.

If you are serious about splitting the care 50 50 then look into how you will manage this. Step 1 is to talk to your employer saying you are sounding out possibilities. Talk to other parents in your firm about how they make things work. The world seems to have changed a bit and there are men now making efforts to balance work and family lives.

You'd need to look into sorting childcare options whilst you work. On your salary this should be fine. It's just getting your name down in advance for nannies/nurseries/after school clubs/ holiday clubs etc.

She can't stop you from making a serious plan to be a good dad. Move on with the divorce and keep getting the legal advice you need.

Accept that she's picked up a lot of the slack over the years so you can earn good money. That's coming to an end now. Things are going to change both in your salary and in your lifestyle.

Thing is you can keep your hand in with work so the better salary will still be an option when your dc are older. It's what a lot of women do. Slow careers down in their 30s, step up again in their 40s. It doesn't necessarily stop you from getting to CEO (or whatever) it just takes longer.

Moving and being a good dad are two mutually exclusive concepts.

Thanks for the responses. But my question is not "am I a good dad for doing this". I know it's not good. But it seems the only answer that is good from a PR perspective is stay, struggle with mental health and bury sadness deep down. And try and make a life here. I have lived where I am for 9 years. And I can truly say I have probably hated most of my time down here. Certainly for the last 4 years for sure.

My question is about damage limitation. And trying to maintain a relationship. Some people have responded here and said "yeah a dad has moved away. It's been tough but sort of worked and not messed the kids up". Others say moved away and daughter thinks dad was completely selfish. Others have said moved away when young and kids got used to it.

I am after this and asking for help in how to make this not terrible. Not being repeatedly told that I am not a nice man, I'm shitty etc etc.

I was willing to sacrifice moving back to be a dad and husband down here. But ex decided she wanted a different life (but all our money) so I have to pick up the pieces of this now.

Op what is it particularly you hate about where you are ( apart from ex)
it is difficult to make friends in 40s, it is easy to get depressed and struggle - divorce is bloody horrid even for amicable parnts but running away I don’t think will solve things
yiu might solve one set of issues but another presents ( being completely uninvolved with your children)
stay, have counselling, make concerted effort to 1) ensure your get fair split 2) get fair child arrangements 3) give yourself time to heal and recover and get your head in a better place before making such life changing decisions

@millymollymoomoo

1. My ex
2. The group of her friends having sided with her and not checked in to see how I'm getting on
3. My ex
4. Very expensive housing
5. Middle class superiority complex (i grew up next to a council estate and managed to do well. I love all my life long friends humbleness and approach to life. Appreciate simple things. Here it's "oooo I have a new Tesla".
6. Cliquey friend groups
7. Constant feeling of anxiety around town centre in case I bump into her friends
8. It not my home

Off the top of my head.

Back in my home town I have lots of friends but 3 really close ones who are like brothers. Here I have nothing like that. And doubt I ever will.

Mate, you were brave posting on here with such honesty. You were always going to get some harsh responses (as the first couple of pages proves) as on here there’s a feeling that mens mental health and happiness don’t matter, and you should live in a bed sit.

but you’ve had some more balanced and caring responses. They have, however, broadly said the same. That moving away is tempting and possibly right for you, but it’s probably not best for the kids.

fwiw I was in a similar position. Ex had an affair so we separated. She moved away with the kids and so I followed. To a town I have no ties with, and yes it was hard. She doesn’t work, I do, so being close meant I could manage to see my kids in the week, alternate weekends, holidays etc.

I travel for my support. I’m close to my kids. I’m pleased it’s what I did but it did feel a bit like I was beholden to her whims and sacrificing a lot for my kids. No regrets.

OP two experiences here for you.

1. My dad moved about 200 miles away when I was 6-7. We basically saw him for holidays and spoke on the phone (no internet then). But not having him as a very regular part of my life changed the absolute fundamentals of our relationship. FaceTime/Phone is in no way the same as being there in person. As a temporary measure, sure. But your kids are not yet old enough to fully understand why you eft them (if you move far away). The basic understanding is that they're not enough for you to stay there/you don't want them enough. This eats away silently at self esteem over the years.

1. I'm going through a divorce abroad. I do not have a friendship network here or a family network (at all). I know what you mean about being isolated. There are many of us in this situation. I know a mum who felt like you/me and decided recently that she was much happier in her far away home town so moved back there, leaving the kids with their dad, step mum and younger half-siblings. The kids can visit her in holidays and long weekends. She was SO happy to be getting back to her support network and I truly understood that. But her kids have just lost a major part of theirs.

You cannot overestimate your importance to your children. Whatever you feel now will be worse for your kids if you leave. Really. And I know how truly awful it is to feel cut off and isolated in your 40s.

Have a look at MeetUp groups. See if you can get involved in some volunteering as ways of meeting people. You're not going to make deep relationships over night, but your children surely deserve you making serious efforts to stay. Even a sad dad is better than a dad who they rarely see. But a happier dad is of course better. Check out groups for single parents in the area. Start up a group for single dads yourself! You're definitely not alone in being isolated and finding it hard to make connections. It sucks but moving far away will destroy something precious you have with your children.

To be clear I'm not saying you'll have no relationship with them, but in comparison to being in their daily lives, you'll have a far inferior relationship.

OP it’s not a PR thing - you have to accept that you are prioritising your need for friends and a lifestyle you’re comfortable with over the the need for your children to have a present lifestyle

Thats it. That’s the choice.

It will have an impact on your children and their relationship
with you. How traumatic that is for them time will tell - maybe very traumatic maybe not that traumatic. It’s a gamble.

i think you want someone to tell you the kids will be fine.
no one can say that. It’s up to you whether you want to take that risk.

my view is it’s a selfish and shitty thing to do - but you can take a different view. Just be honest to yourself about why you are doing it, what that says about you as a father and how much you care long term about your relationship with your children.

The needs of your children to have a present father that should read…

Have you gone to court over the EOW. Normally parents that want to see their dc more fo to court to ensure this? You don't have to see your ex surely? Just communicate bluntly via email.
There is no PR job in parenting just love. When love for your dc is driving you to be the best parents your needs at least equal but normally 2nd to your dc.

I doubt very much they will be 'okay ish' more like heart broken but have to deal with it because their dad can't handle being their mums ex and living halfway between their friends and them Instead putting himself first and meeting with mates being of upmost importance.

I'd certainly at least get counselling first to prove its not simply a selfish move where a 'toxic ex' is being used as an excuse to live an old more fun lifestyle that was there before dc existed.

Why not live near your children and have a consistent meaningful father-child relationship with them and travel 200 miles to see your friends every other weekend?

@FloydPepper Cheers for the response. Why hold back in these forums. Its kind of anonymous so might as well be honest. I expect the harsh response. The constructive helpful ones / kinder ones which make me think are what I read a few times and actually make me rethink the situation

You are a top man for doing what you have done. If you don't mind me asking but are you content with your life? I am fine here when the kids are with me. But how are you when they are not? And have you managed to find a new group of friends. Or indeed new partner?

That's the thing I fear. Its the loneliess when they are not here.

I hope you are in a good place as you deserve it.