Long Distance Dad

[Eric7]

Hi,

Just wondering how kids relationships have changed with long distance dads. Going through a toxic divorce and sadly likely to move back to home town.

I've read posts on how to maintain relationships via Skype, sending letters, presents etc. I probably at best will be staying in a hotel every couple of weekends to see my two and then they'll stay with me half school holidays.

Have read varying posts about it being quality over quantity in terms of time spent.

I want to be part of their lives. They are 6 and 8. I love them both but I have a stronger relationship with my son (daughter worships her mum). But the toxic environment my ex has created here has made staying impossible as I have no support network here anymore.

Would appreciate any comments from mums / dads. Appreciate I'll be labelled a disney dad. Or a glorified uncle. But I guess any advice on how to make such an arrangement work, and whether kids still have a good relationship with their dad if he lives some distance away.

Cheers

@autocollantes . Thanks for the response. And telling me your history and situation. I genuinely hope you get through your divorce and you find a way back to a stable and happy life. xx

You are naive to think that you will get all the support from your 3 friends and think that their lives are static. They may also have marriage problems or other problems. Are you planning to lean on them all the time ?
Why can't they support you on the phone, video chat, whatsapp? Why do you need to be there ?

Your kids will NOT be OK. You can ask to see your kids two or three evenings a week as well. Why don't you do that ? Or ask to see your children every sat or sun ?

why aren't you seeing a counselor for advice?

Why aren't you seeing a lawyer for advice ?

Why do you need to rent for 12 month ? Why can't you just stay in a hotel or a serviced apartment for one or two months?

Why do you want to tie yourself down for 12 months so that you have to travel 200 miles each way ?

What about your job ? Have you packed that in ?

from another perspective, any mother who has been cheated on, dumped, walked out on by the partner, left financially stranded, not having the mortgage paid, may be no job.. does not get to walk away from the kids !

Op, are you getting support for your mental health? It could just be the stress and pressure getting to you or it could be depression, but it would be worth seeking out some professional help as you navigate this difficult separation and deal with all the stress and hurt and pain you are experiencing. It typically isn’t good to make big decisions at the same time as you are dealing with big emotions. I would get professional help and commit to staying where you are for 6-12 months. Then you can decide once you are mentally and emotionally in a better place, what will be best for you and the kids.

Hi OP, hope you're okay. Just to say I'm experiencing similar to you. My ex left me 1 year ago and has moved down the road and though the kids spend time with both of us, ex has squeezed right into the centre of their lives - flat near school, socialising with the school parents, not working much. He's also rushed introducing the affair partner and is playing happy families with our kids right in from of my nose. I feel really down and quite hopeless, like things will never get better. I really avoid the school crowd now as those friendships turned out to be pretty superficial. I absolutely dread the school run as don't want to bump into SIL who completely blanks me. He does things like turn up unexpectedly when it isn't his contact day and just chat to all the parents at the school gate whilst I'm doing pick up. I can't afford to move and the kids are settled at school but he's wormed his way into the centre of it all and now I can't get away from him. I definitely daydream about moving to Australia with the kids.

BUT I know how much they love their dad and how settled they are at school and with friends. I know how heartbreaking it would be for them to be far away from either of us and I think it would just cause a lot more friction with him if I tried. I don't know how I'm going to find a way to live again, and believe me I have moments when I want to give up, but for now at least I'm going to have to try to keep going. I'm trying to exercise at home and gradually to clear out the house a bit.

I saw a quote that said 'You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex' - it helps me sometimes to think of it, maybe it will help you too. Good luck to you

@ArtemisFlop That is really tough and I genuinely hope you work through this. I admire that you are trying to stick it out.

You comment on loving your kids more than you hate your ex is bang on. A large part of wanting to run away is to never see her again. If I stay I question whether I'll have a lifetime of misery engaging with her.

Divorce in its extreme is an opportunity to reinvent yourself on your own terms. If the reinvention is a lifetime of misery then why bother.

If all this was happening in my home town, it would be so much easier. But such is life.

Next mediation with ex is next week. I suspect I'll be instructing my lawyer to make an application to court, as my ex will do all she can to avoid going back to work. And demanding all the assets.

@Eric7 I know exactly what you mean about fearing the lifetime of misery and I can completely understand your instinct to make a fresh start.
The conflict with my ex feels extreme and as though it's heightening rather than calming. I have been thinking lately about whether the fact we have to have such regular contact because of the children is compounding the difficulty in our communication. I would love to go no contact completely but I can't. Even if I could bring myself to put the kids through it, I can't move for financial reasons and so I have to deal with it, even though it feels traumatic. I think that's always going to be the hardest thing for me, harder than the betrayal and the loss of the family and future I'd hoped for, is the fact I can never completely get away from him.
Though I can't physically escape I definitely plan to find other ways to make a fresh start.

It sounds as though there's lots making you feel really angry with your ex and it's good you're going to mediation- I hope it's helpful to you. Another way to look at your decision about moving away might be to consider it in terms of what you're prepared to concede in the negotiations with you're ex. Holding onto a strong relationship with your kids by staying involved in their lives is one thing you don't have to give up - I expect a family mediator would support you in that too. Good luck to you.

Honestly, OP, I strongly advise you find yourself a counsellor/therapist to support you through this. Friends are great, but they have their own lives. Also get decent legal advice and get the divorce started.

I had a very acrimonious divorce (DC were just adult though, but there were other complicating factors) and my exH tried to destroy me in every way. I stuck it out, and with my therapist and a good solicitor he didn't succeed. I've been divorced 6 years and have rebuilt my life, and you can do this, too. You are younger than me.

Head down and keep going, and make your children your priority.