H refusing to plan/do childcare pending separation/divorce

[Zebra2029]

Hi all. So h and I been rocky for a while (I think he’s actually a narcissist) so we’ve been seeing a therapist who has helped us put a parenting plan together. This was generally followed sort from h not doing quite as much childcare as me (We both working full time).
We had yet another huge row this time. H has blocked me via email and phone since and basically deleted all all our childcare plans for the next few weeks. He refuses to speak to me at home.
I’ve made plans for the next few weeks based on the childcare plans and now I don’t know how to plan simply as he won’t engage with me. He is the type to just walk out and leave me to do all the childcare outside school/nanny. Ds is 4 years old.
H refuses to engage with mr at all now apart from through our therapist, whom is also a mediator.
I tried to discuss the childcare with him this morning but he literally slammed a door in my face and will not speak to me.
During the argument, o told h that I was unhappy and couldn’t continue as we are and suggested separation…he laughed in my face. I think the reason he is focusing on refusing to do any childcare is to get me where it hurts…he knows I don’t care about him but he is effectively isolating me so I can’t do any activities outside my work, whilst he does next to no childcare. We have no family nearby and are entirely dependent on nannies for childcare.

My question is , is this abuse and can I get send a lawyers letter or similar asking h to do childcare and therefore engage in parenting?

You can’t make someone parent who doesn’t want to.

Contact the CMS and put in a claim for maintenance with you doing sole care and hire a lawyer and serve divorce papers.

This is not someone you want to be married to.

I don't have any advice but my DH did similar this week (we are divorcing). We have a dog (and DC... he's also a twat regarding them too). I have to work out and about some days. He's been home since March 2020. Can stay remote. Decided to go back to office on Monday (wasn't told too) leaving me with no 'care' for the dog. So I can't go out and do my job. Totally done to control me. Told me I had to let him know what days I would be out and he'd consider if he could.. So another way of controlling me there. We had a dog sitter but he made me reduce her hours.

No you can't force him to engage in parenting, it isn't possible and a solicitors letter won't do anything either. And it's better than someone like that is away from your kids to be honest.

Just press on with the divorce and assume that you'll be doing all the childcare.

It’s just insane! It’s a blatant attempt to isolate and control. I’m fortunate in that I have funds to hire a nanny for those hours where he will not step up though.
I actually asked our regular nanny to come in tomorrow afternoon, when he was originally supposed to be looking after ds. H then texted the nanny saying don’t come in…so I texted on the same group saying ‘ok great, thanks nanny…as h looking after ds now, we don’t need you’. So either he is doing the childcare but is trying to not get mr to plan anything or he intends to pull out at last minute. Hopefully not the latter, as it’s really out of order.

I will book in a nanny to stay late at least 3 nights next week and see what he does/says. Not prepared to be bullied by him .

You have my sympathies... But try not to let the nanny get caught in the crossfire as you won't want to lose her. She works for only you now and it would probably be wise to take husband off the nanny group chat. If husband wants to use her services he will have to employ her separately.

Great advice from@Cakequeen1988

Thanks. Probably best to message her directly, though she will wonder why given that h and I both employ her. H will argue that I haven’t given him a ‘chance’ to look after ds if I message nanny separately - of course this is complete boll@@ks given that he is the one whom had deleted and didn’t comply with the childcare plan, but my plan is to get him to pay for the extra hours we need due to me having made plans/being busy and him not telling mr when he can/can’t look after child

Also, would h’s behaviour be regarded as coercive control? He is restricting my free from by refusing to look after a child outside working hours

It's obviously broken down irretrievably. Get yourself to your solicitor ans speed up towards a proper separation and divorce.

Make sure you don't have these blazing, door-slamming rows in the presence of your child, and icily inform your DH that any arguments need to promptly stop. Awful for a young child to live in a household like this, they absorb so much. You need to leave him OP

I think sadly it's very common for women to be assumed to be the default carer. If the nanny is there just in case, I assume DH can still parent as you are still living together? I would also consider that if you are working or out often then are you actually the primary carer ? If you plan to divorce who does the most childcare currently? In all this conflict having time and a routine with your year old is important too.

Your poor son. Put his needs first. It sounds like he's a ping pong ball in all of this between two warring parents and a nanny.
I wouldn't want my son to be spending much time at all with your H with his attitude. I'd be worried the whole time about his safety and whether he would be brought back.
This all needs to calm down massively and try and put feelings of rage towards your H to one side to work out what's best all round

I’ve made plans for the next few weeks based on the childcare plans and now I don’t know how to plan

You made plans
He’s going to fucking stop your plans

Best to never ever make plans unless you have a real babysitter

TKe away his control

Yes this is abuse.
In the case of abusive narcissists like this, mediation/councelling tends to be a bad idea. They approach it as a new opportunity for manipulation and emotional abuse rather than a means towards resolution. You need to protect your child from having to grow up in this toxic environment. Even by age 4 some damage will have been done. You will be ok as a single parent. With school and wraparound care and a little flexibility from your employer you will be able to balance it all. You will feel so much better when you are free of this man.

So either he is doing the childcare but is trying to not get mr to plan anything or he intends to pull out at last minute. Hopefully not the latter, as it’s really out of order.

He will pull out at the last minute so he can cause you to explode

So you make sure you don’t allow this to happen by always having a back up and then calmly saying

Ok 👌 excellent
Me and D.C. can go to cinema with popcorn, love spending time with D.C. it’s such a bonus

I did this only twice,

Then he wanted to swap weekends and I said no worries I’ll have D.C. 3 in a row it’s bonus time for me

He never asked to swap again

Make having your D.C. a bonus if you get them instead and the ex soon realises their plans aren’t working

You have a childcare plan so file for divorce submitting the childcare plan as part of the court order. This your husband is court ordered to look after his child unless he makes other arrangements. This removes his control of you.

If he then fails to keep this arrange you can go back to court to reduce his time.

You should follow the good advice up thread to hire the nanny on two separate contracts now. He cannot cancel her on your time any longer and he can make his own arrangements.

Thanks all.
I thought we had a childcare plan in place but he’s ignoring it now snd i think we will need a mediation to finalise and hone it.
Going to see what he does re nanny today and if he goes out or refuses to do childcare , then I will pay the nanny in future and make separate arrangements.
The other thing he might do is tell the nanny to go home if she appears on ‘his time’ is the times that Hr wax supposed to do childcare but has now decided he won’t or at least won’t let me contact him on. I guess the thing to do is to get the nanny in on what was my childcare time previously so Hr can’t mess with that.
Even getting him to the mediation is s nightmare. He pulled this stunt previously snd therapist intervened but as I’ve now told h that I want a separation, the gloves are off…

Ive just read all the comments.
He absolutely is a complete abusive narcissist. My problem is that I can’t afford to leave right now as property prices at rock bottom and my son will leave his school at year 2 anyway (he’s in Reception now). I was hoping we could get s separation agreement in place until then.
Probably not s surprise then I’d I say that h married previously with a very acrimonious divorce. I feel very sorry for my stepkids.

Outside work, I do the most childcare though the aim is to do 50/50. He would however frequently walk out/appear late when he is supposed to be doing childcare.we then had our therapist/counsellor basically help us bash out a childcare plan.I have hobbies and friends I like to do/see at weekends, he has no friends. I I only want one day on the weekend for my own time.
Following the row and the fact that I’ve told him I want a separation, he’s just deleted our childcare calendar and because I can’t communicate with him, I don’t know that childcare he can/can’t do. So I think I will be looking to book our regular nanny to work late separately on 2 days per week (which he would do previously) and perhaps 1-2 afternoons or mornings during the weekend.

It if disgusting that Hr seeks to control me in this way as he has no other means of control over me.

@nicesausages

I know. I hate it too in terms of effect on our little boy. Especially as h always undermines my authority in front of him too. Eg if I discipline or correct my boy, snd boy is upset, h will say ‘naughty mummy made you cry’

Before all this did you ever spend family time together ?

Not much as my dss livrs with us full time and every time I organised a family activity he didn’t want to come, plus h then not keen either to come on. H not really interested in doing family things together

@gardengurugarden

Yes correct in principle. The issue is that h I won’t speak to me and will not commuicate with me st all, and has now effectively ripped up an agreed childcare plan , so I don’t know if he will/will not do childcare.
He has form for dumping it all on me

Stop telling him what you are doing. Make your plans and your childcare arrangement that do not include him

His contact is x day and x time. If he doesn't step up you get on with your own thing.

I realise this is hard as I assume you are both still in the family home?

You are trying to be reasonable with someone who does not have a reasonable mind.

My ex was the same. He would ignore calls. Texts not show up etc. I stopped chasing him. If he didn't contact me or show up on his weekend the kids and I went off and did stuff. He would wait until eow came round again for contact. He hated that I took his control away. Yes this meant I had no life. I couldn't afford it anyway he didn't pay child support. But I was free for the conflict of engaging with him.

You can have all the plans. Court orders etc in place he doesn't have to show up. You can't make them. And would you want someone around your son who doesn't want to be with him.

@unicornsarereal72
Agree.from now on I’m just going to book babysitters and not tell him when I intend to be out. The issue is that he knows that I’m doing the next few weekends due to the childcare plan we had previously planned.

Do you work full time or do you have time in the week with your child. The odd evening out when they would mostly be in bed is great, but so much time out seems excessive to me. I don't see how you can stay like this way for 2-3 more years.