H refusing to plan/do childcare pending separation/divorce

[Zebra2029]

Hi all. So h and I been rocky for a while (I think he’s actually a narcissist) so we’ve been seeing a therapist who has helped us put a parenting plan together. This was generally followed sort from h not doing quite as much childcare as me (We both working full time).
We had yet another huge row this time. H has blocked me via email and phone since and basically deleted all all our childcare plans for the next few weeks. He refuses to speak to me at home.
I’ve made plans for the next few weeks based on the childcare plans and now I don’t know how to plan simply as he won’t engage with me. He is the type to just walk out and leave me to do all the childcare outside school/nanny. Ds is 4 years old.
H refuses to engage with mr at all now apart from through our therapist, whom is also a mediator.
I tried to discuss the childcare with him this morning but he literally slammed a door in my face and will not speak to me.
During the argument, o told h that I was unhappy and couldn’t continue as we are and suggested separation…he laughed in my face. I think the reason he is focusing on refusing to do any childcare is to get me where it hurts…he knows I don’t care about him but he is effectively isolating me so I can’t do any activities outside my work, whilst he does next to no childcare. We have no family nearby and are entirely dependent on nannies for childcare.

My question is , is this abuse and can I get send a lawyers letter or similar asking h to do childcare and therefore engage in parenting?

OP most people can’t afford a nanny for multiple evenings a week so that they can go out without their kids. People cut back on the amount of time they spend out of the house when they have kids because the logistics become impossible. Parents who are still happy together do a mix of each parent looking after the kids so the other can go out, doing things together as a whole family, and finding someone else to look after the kids so both parents can go out together. There’s also a lot of doing things together at home once the kids are asleep or calming playing or occupied - we like boardgames and Netflix.
You’re not wrong to want those evenings and a weekend day to yourself and it should absolutely be possible of you and your ex have a 50/50 split. But very few people (ok, more honestly, very few women) have a schedule that looks like this.

Right well I’m going to contact a mediator in the first instance and talk to lawyers.
I can’t live with someone who refuses to communicate with me in any way and then refuses to parent. Not to mention the fact that my poor son is growing up in this atmosphere 😞😞
Just have to tread very carefully as h is a complete narcissist

Also when I’m in the office I can’t keep rushing home, I respect h not being able to do the same, I’m not sure why posters seem to think I should be doing more and letting dh do nothing when we both work full time? And have separate finances

I hate to break it to you, but you might be in for a shock.

Your husband isn’t going to separate amicably. He is not focussed on what’s best for the children, he is only focussed on how he can destroy you. You may well respect him, he doesn’t respect you, and if you want to survive and thrive the next two years you need to understand that. Because here’s what will happen:

• he won’t agree on him doing the childcare and he will mess you about.
• after that, he’s going to try and either get you out of the family home, or make life unbearable for you so you leave. He is going to pass judgement on every single area of your life and he is going to know about it and say it to the kids ‘oh mummy’s out late at yoga, she obviously doesn’t want to spend time with you’ or ‘oh mummy’s bought a new dress instead of taking you to the cinema’

Your life will become subjected to his judgments. He will know your every move. He will interfere in your life. And your kids will think it’s normal because they idolise him.

This is why you have to set up on your own, whether that is him leaving or you leaving. He will not leave you in peace, this will not be amicable, and it is not normal or healthy for anyone to live with.

Create physical space that is your sanctuary to build a new life from. You’re going to need it.

And he’s not going back to mediation. If I was you I’d attend one more session, explain to the mediator you won’t be attending again because he won’t engage.

I’d move out, take the kids and then I’d let him take you to court for access. I guarantee he won’t be arsed to.

You need to show him you’re serious. You’re not doing that while you’re living under the same roof and he can wind you up by slamming a door in your face or shitting on your plans. You’re still a puppet on a string at this point.

I think your expectation of 3 nights off a week to do exercise and read and a full day off at a weekend for your self is really quite unusual when you have children. I don't remember having a night/ day off in years....!

@milkysmum

I think your expectation of 3 nights off a week to do exercise and read and a full day off at a weekend for your self is really quite unusual when you have children. I don't remember having a night/ day off in years....!

I agree.

And he's four! What time is he in bed? That's your time off. I don't think you should be doing more than your husband. But I do think it sounds as though no-one really wants to parent this little boy very much...

You need to make plans to split asap, this isn't good for anyone. Can you afford to move out? I know it's not fair but let's get real, he won't go. File cms immediately as again, he's not going to pay without a fight and engage a good solicitor, get recommendations because many are not any good at acrimonious divorces

Yep,seems like the poor kid is just seen asa major inconvenience in both your lives to be honest. It's quite sad.

@milkysmum

Yep,seems like the poor kid is just seen asa major inconvenience in both your lives to be honest. It's quite sad.

It really is. Everything (even the mediation) seems to revolve around who gets to not be with him. And when all else fails, money will be thrown at getting away from the little lad.

Poor kid.

@milkysmum

My ex does zero child care, zilch- meaning I have had no support since we separated 3 years ago- and could never have a night out as nobody else to look after them. Get this though- last year ex moved back onto our street after starting a relationship with a neighbour ( the mother of one of my sons friends!) - so he literally is living across the road, but still won't discuss regular contact or help with school pick ups/ school holidays or even have them over for maybe tea one day a week. Occasionally he will give me £50 cash if he feels like it. Beyond a joke but nothing I can actually do about it.

What does his new gf think about this?? I honestly can't understand why any woman would want to get involved with a man who can't be arsed with his children

I think it's past mediation. You need to properly separate, get the divorce in motion and have a proper (quite possibly court ordered) arrangement.

I know you said moving out right now isn't an option but in my mind there must be money if you're paying for a nanny like this. That's not the behaviour of a family who don't have money.

I still dont understand why people think it’s acceptable for h to not do an equal amount of parenting to me. Why is 3 nights a week to myself seem and in practice an afternoon to 1 day per week excessive as child free time when h is allowed more?
We both work full time high pressured jobs.
Or is this some sexist presumption?
I didn’t have my ds to Parent him alone.
We have a nanny as we both can’t do school pick ups.
I do almost 70% of pick ups /drops off childcare and h id supposed to do 50%.
Neither of us have any family nearby to pick up the slack, which lots of people generally do.
I do all the school admin, health appointments and basically everything ds related while h does a few hours of childcare per week, despite the fact that we both work. He is a higher earner but we have separate finances and he does not support me financially.

The problem with moving out straight away is thst we won’t get a good price for our property (as it will have to not sold right now) and I will be in a better position for a clean(er) break in 2 years. H is a narcissist and he will stop at nothing to go against my wishes and inconvenience md as much as possible right now. In 2 years time he won’t have this much power over me.

The process has to be handled by a very skilled negotiator.

I’m afraid op

There is absolutely no way he can enforce the twat to be involved with childcare

No way at all

It's not acceptable for him not to do 50% of the parenting but he's an arsehole and he won't so you have to do the best you can for your child.

Do you honestly think it's good for your step son and your son to live in this obviously tense environment for another 2 years? He slammed the door in your face and refused to speak to you. Is that what you want your son to grow up thinking is normal?

You may lose money but your child's happiness is more important than that.

I still dont understand why people think it’s acceptable for h to not do an equal amount of parenting to me. Why is 3 nights a week to myself seem and in practice an afternoon to 1 day per week excessive as child free time when h is allowed more?

No one’s saying you’re wrong in principle.

We’re just all saying that in practice, as you married a controlling narcissist and had a child with him, he’s not going to do the theoretical 50-50 split you want and should be able to rely on.

Staying for 2 years like this is the worst plan ever.

A ‘skilled negotiator’ can’t help you navigate the next 2 years.

You have to leave.

H is a narcissist and he will stop at nothing to go against my wishes and inconvenience md as much as possible right now.

You’ve said it yourself.

Leopards don’t change their spots.

You can only change your own response to his behaviour.

You are absolutely right he should step up and parent 50% of time and he has said that too. But the reality is he isn't going to and you can't make him. I've single handedly had my kids for four years. Ex drops in as and when feels like it. He also doesn't pay much in the way of support. How do I make him a better person/father. The powers that be can't. Court order and Cms. So how do you make someone do something they don't want to.

@Zebra2029

I still dont understand why people think it’s acceptable for h to not do an equal amount of parenting to me. Why is 3 nights a week to myself seem and in practice an afternoon to 1 day per week excessive as child free time when h is allowed more? We both work full time high pressured jobs. Or is this some sexist presumption? I didn’t have my ds to Parent him alone. We have a nanny as we both can’t do school pick ups. I do almost 70% of pick ups /drops off childcare and h id supposed to do 50%. Neither of us have any family nearby to pick up the slack, which lots of people generally do. I do all the school admin, health appointments and basically everything ds related while h does a few hours of childcare per week, despite the fact that we both work. He is a higher earner but we have separate finances and he does not support me financially.

I don't think that's acceptable. I think he's an arsehole.

But put that aside, because you have to, because you can't make him, because he's an arsehole.

You have a four year old who needs parenting 24/7 he is at nursery/school and a nanny does x other hours. So now he needs parenting 5 evenings a week between nanny and bed and 2 weekend days. And you want to outsource 3 of those evenings and 1 weekend day. I think that's a shame for him.

I think it's doubly a shame when you consider that he is living in a house where the two adults who are his safe base hate one another and are going to be splitting up. I think he needs all the stability he can possibly get. And he must be in bed by 7.30. Can't you read then?

I don't think anyone thinks it shouldn't be 50/50. But I do wonder about how secure your son is feeling right now. The atmosphere must be terrible and perhaps he needs the security of you or his dad rather than the nanny.

I think you are very right to push for there to be shared responsibility. However I do think during this transitional period you need to be available for your son so 50/50 might not work out right now. I do understand your point but I also think he just be feeling really confused right now. Best of luck to you and I hope your husband becomes more reasonable

OP, you've barely mentioned your DC in all of this, other than the requirements for childcare.

You seem excessively focused on your need for free time.

That's not to say you are wrong. But you seem very fixed on this.

Surely you should be considering how best to plan a future for you & DS, apart from your H. And while I know it's not your responsibility, I feel v sorry for your SS in this too.

@Zebra2029

The problem with moving out straight away is thst we won’t get a good price for our property (as it will have to not sold right now) and I will be in a better position for a clean(er) break in 2 years. H is a narcissist and he will stop at nothing to go against my wishes and inconvenience md as much as possible right now. In 2 years time he won’t have this much power over me.

If you are in the UK property is at a high right now - have you had your place valued? This seems a strange reason to have to live with someone so awful

@Zebra2029

The process has to be handled by a very skilled negotiator.

You can't negotiate with an abuser. He's not interested in reason. He's motivated by power. It doesn't matter how many plans you come up with, he will sabotage them in order to exert control.

You'd be better off doing the Freedom Programme course.

If your therapist was competent they would not be continuing joint therapy where there is abuse. It's unsafe.

I understand.
Just worried about him going on full throttle attack against me right now. I definitely think it’s not a good environment for my son or my poor stepson (whom will likely see his dad go through a second divorce). I just want to make sure that I’m in the best place to get the best for my son and self and manage this process carefully. I don’t trust myself to do it I’m going to get emotional and h knows how to press my buttons. I absolutely agree that it is finished

@Newgirls unfortunately not in my part of the country - house prices have stalled and similar properties have been sold for much less than the price paid. I want to be in the best position possibly to provide for my son and self. It may be that we could let it out but again I can see h refusing to do this if he knows it’s something I want