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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

H refusing to plan/do childcare pending separation/divorce

119 replies

Zebra2029 · 28/01/2022 20:59

Hi all. So h and I been rocky for a while (I think he’s actually a narcissist) so we’ve been seeing a therapist who has helped us put a parenting plan together. This was generally followed sort from h not doing quite as much childcare as me (We both working full time).
We had yet another huge row this time. H has blocked me via email and phone since and basically deleted all all our childcare plans for the next few weeks. He refuses to speak to me at home.
I’ve made plans for the next few weeks based on the childcare plans and now I don’t know how to plan simply as he won’t engage with me. He is the type to just walk out and leave me to do all the childcare outside school/nanny. Ds is 4 years old.
H refuses to engage with mr at all now apart from through our therapist, whom is also a mediator.
I tried to discuss the childcare with him this morning but he literally slammed a door in my face and will not speak to me.
During the argument, o told h that I was unhappy and couldn’t continue as we are and suggested separation…he laughed in my face. I think the reason he is focusing on refusing to do any childcare is to get me where it hurts…he knows I don’t care about him but he is effectively isolating me so I can’t do any activities outside my work, whilst he does next to no childcare. We have no family nearby and are entirely dependent on nannies for childcare.

My question is , is this abuse and can I get send a lawyers letter or similar asking h to do childcare and therefore engage in parenting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 08:54

I work full time as does h. I’m usually wfh though he is at the office.
All I want is 2-3 nights free to pursue exercise and just read and one day per the weekend. H claims he wants to do 50/59 childcare. If he was honest about not wanting to do it I could arrange my life around it…but surely childcare should be 59/50 if both parties work? Otherwise it’s bit of a sexist notion I feel.

OP posts:
Allpenguinsarepingus · 29/01/2022 09:03

2/3 nights per week and one day a weekend is exactly 50/50 OP. And your H doesn’t want to do 50% of it. He thinks it’s your job and that you should be extremely grateful for every hour of childcare he does.

Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:05

@Allpenguinsarepingus - if he really thinks that then he needs to say he doesn’t want to do it. He is full of s@@@. Saying he wants to do 50/50 but in reality it’s an 70/30 80/20 split. At least that way I can get in a babysitter if I want to go out/pursue a hobby when he doesn’t want to do childcare

OP posts:
slothbyday · 29/01/2022 09:06

I'm finding the phrasing childcare plan through this thread odd.

It's parenting! He is choosing not to parent at agreed times and you are asking for time off from parenting at set times.

He isn't paid for the childcare, this isn't some big business transaction pawning the kid off on each other. Stop acting like his role is to agree a business transaction with a contract for delivery.

Please please step back and decide what your child needs and wants and what you need and want and sort your plan from there.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/01/2022 09:09

@Zebra2029

Ive just read all the comments. He absolutely is a complete abusive narcissist. My problem is that I can’t afford to leave right now as property prices at rock bottom and my son will leave his school at year 2 anyway (he’s in Reception now). I was hoping we could get s separation agreement in place until then. Probably not s surprise then I’d I say that h married previously with a very acrimonious divorce. I feel very sorry for my stepkids.
You need to plan to leave now.

No arrangements you make while you are in the same house will work. He will find ways to frustrate them over and over.

Believe me, you can afford to separate. I'm not saying it will be easy (8 years on from my separation, despite a good job, I am on my knees financially while ex is on the pig's back, but I got out. And we are hopefully within months of some sort of settlement that might secure the house. I have been left doing everything & paying for everything but he has lost most of his ability to control me).

Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:11

@slothbyday
It’s his terminology not mine. I think it’s parenting but as he refuses to do this (I do e writhing child related such as admin, school events, dr appointments etc) it is childcare to him. That is how antiquated he is.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/01/2022 09:13

All I want is 2-3 nights free to pursue exercise and just read and one day per the weekend.

Maybe this should be the norm but it isn't - isn't usually even in married couples.

I have 3 DC. Separated. One DC doesn't want to spend any time with her father. I squeeze in exercise very early in the morning, I work at a busy job but I do little else for 'me'. However my DC do many many sports so I'm really busy with that at least 6 days / evenings a week.

I'm not sure I'd want 2 - 3 evenings to do my own thing even if I could have it. I know your DC is younger & everyone is different.

saraclara · 29/01/2022 09:17

So when you employ a baby, your DH is on the house too, but just refusing to look after his child?

To be honest, I feel for the child and the nanny in this scenario.

You'd be better off considering yourself as a single parent.

It does seem odd that you expect to be able to go out three evenings a week and a whole weekend day though. That's not a right that most people would think they have when they have a young child.

Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:22

It’s not going out always. It’s just time for myself. I dint understand why people are saying this is odd when h and I both work and in principle have agreed a 50/50 parenting split?

H and I have been living separate lives for at least the last 9 months

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/01/2022 09:22

I agree you need to stop living in the same housd. As long as you fo he will have the upper hand.

Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:23

Surely h should set up and do his 50% as he claims he wants??

OP posts:
Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:25

Also when I’m in the office I can’t keep rushing home, I respect h not being able to do the same, I’m not sure why posters seem to think I should be doing more and letting dh do nothing when we both work full time? And have separate finances

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/01/2022 09:26

It’s not going out always. It’s just time for myself.

I mean, this is a side issue, as your marriage is over and you need to make plans to live separately and make parenting arrangements.

However, you can have time for yourself with your DC in the house, without going out. It's what most of us do.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/01/2022 09:28

I’m not sure why posters seem to think I should be doing more and letting dh do nothing when we both work full time?

Is anyone saying that?

Live separately. Organise contact & finances. You then take care of your time with DC as you wish, and if DC is with your H, you have time to yourself.

saraclara · 29/01/2022 09:30

Your child is four. What time does he go to bed?

Sorry, but I just think it's really odd that you need a nanny to look after your child so that you can read it otherwise have time to yourself in the house.

I'm not sure what your lifestyle is like, but I suspect it's an unusual one compared to most mums.

Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:31

The theme seems to be that I should be happy to get any free time albeit however limited,and be at h’s mercy…

Living separately is definitely an option for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zebra2029 · 29/01/2022 09:33

Yes I work full time.
I have a ss aged 13 in the house too - h spends all eve reading to him.
Nanny is there to give me a break snc be there if I want to pop out now that h is refusing to do any parenting and often coming home late deliberately to avoid doing this

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/01/2022 09:37

@Zebra2029

The theme seems to be that I should be happy to get any free time albeit however limited,and be at h’s mercy…

Living separately is definitely an option for now.

Not at all?

The consensus is to separate and formalise arrangements. Of course you can live separately.

stressedy · 29/01/2022 09:37

unfortunately in the real world when parents split, parenting is never split 50/50. he is trying to punish you but most women whilst this is wrong accept when they split with their partners that most of the parenting is on them. hes always going to do this to you.

you haven't mentioned any time or actually wanting to spend time with your child and im sure this is not the case but i feel you're coming across like this.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/01/2022 09:38

@Zebra2029

Yes I work full time. I have a ss aged 13 in the house too - h spends all eve reading to him. Nanny is there to give me a break snc be there if I want to pop out now that h is refusing to do any parenting and often coming home late deliberately to avoid doing this
Is your nanny there in the evening when you are both home from work and in the house, so that you can pop out if you need to? 😳
NerrSnerr · 29/01/2022 09:38

You need to live separately. This isn't fair on the children or the childcare providers. I wouldn't be happy to nanny/ babysit like this, with him in the house- especially as he may send them home.

I think you need to sort your living arrangements and then you can go about building time in to exercise etc.

milkysmum · 29/01/2022 09:50

My ex does zero child care, zilch- meaning I have had no support since we separated 3 years ago- and could never have a night out as nobody else to look after them. Get this though- last year ex moved back onto our street after starting a relationship with a neighbour ( the mother of one of my sons friends!) - so he literally is living across the road, but still won't discuss regular contact or help with school pick ups/ school holidays or even have them over for maybe tea one day a week. Occasionally he will give me £50 cash if he feels like it. Beyond a joke but nothing I can actually do about it.

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2022 09:50

I was hoping we could get s separation agreement in place until then.

worst thing you could do

a seperation will allow your ex to see how well you can do by yourself and then when you come to divorce he will not want to be fair - he doesn't want to be fair now so it'll be even worse.

It will pain your ex to see you doing well and he will want to kick you until you are on your knees

best to divorce and get it over with

ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 10:08

@Zebra2029

I work full time as does h. I’m usually wfh though he is at the office. All I want is 2-3 nights free to pursue exercise and just read and one day per the weekend. H claims he wants to do 50/59 childcare. If he was honest about not wanting to do it I could arrange my life around it…but surely childcare should be 59/50 if both parties work? Otherwise it’s bit of a sexist notion I feel.
A couple of points. You're obviously no longer a couple. He is not obligated in anyway at this point to provide you with any opportunity to socialise. Likewise, any childcare you book, is at your cost. Now, atm, you opting to go out 2 to 3 evening a week and a day at weekend, may well be enough to oursuade a court that he should be the primary caregiver. So I'd be thinking carefully before you pursue the social life,thst could well be his thought process. And of course that means, he stays in the home, and you pay maintenance... He may well already be planning to use this against you, as he is it does, on paper, sound excessive. A better way forward, in terms of you appearing reasonable, would be to say nothing about your social activities, but focus now on how contact with the children is to be moving forward. Eg you have the children 1 week him next, a rolling contact etc. Try to put in place something to take moving forward. As for the housing market, that doesn't stop. Him forcing you legally to leave and have to rent elsewhere whilst he stays there until the youngest is 18... Whether this is control etc sort of matters not. It doesn't change how things will progress per se in your scenario. And equally, oh could well argue you're controlling in pushing everything for your needs and wishes, controlling when he can and cannot have his children etc.... Remember there will always be another 2 versions of the truth... His view, yours and how it really is!
NowEvenBetter · 29/01/2022 10:11

Just start a divorce, it’ll take ages anyway without dragging it out into separation nonsense, it’s not ok to make the kid live in this toxic, vile atmosphere, put a stop to it. You seem focussed on the deadbeat you picked, but you can’t make him do anything, detach, put your focus on divorcing, and your kid.