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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

H refusing to plan/do childcare pending separation/divorce

119 replies

Zebra2029 · 28/01/2022 20:59

Hi all. So h and I been rocky for a while (I think he’s actually a narcissist) so we’ve been seeing a therapist who has helped us put a parenting plan together. This was generally followed sort from h not doing quite as much childcare as me (We both working full time).
We had yet another huge row this time. H has blocked me via email and phone since and basically deleted all all our childcare plans for the next few weeks. He refuses to speak to me at home.
I’ve made plans for the next few weeks based on the childcare plans and now I don’t know how to plan simply as he won’t engage with me. He is the type to just walk out and leave me to do all the childcare outside school/nanny. Ds is 4 years old.
H refuses to engage with mr at all now apart from through our therapist, whom is also a mediator.
I tried to discuss the childcare with him this morning but he literally slammed a door in my face and will not speak to me.
During the argument, o told h that I was unhappy and couldn’t continue as we are and suggested separation…he laughed in my face. I think the reason he is focusing on refusing to do any childcare is to get me where it hurts…he knows I don’t care about him but he is effectively isolating me so I can’t do any activities outside my work, whilst he does next to no childcare. We have no family nearby and are entirely dependent on nannies for childcare.

My question is , is this abuse and can I get send a lawyers letter or similar asking h to do childcare and therefore engage in parenting?

OP posts:

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 30/01/2022 11:10

@RedToothBrush
Yes . I am doing that. Keeping a log of all this, therapist also advised me to do it

OP posts:

Toanewstart22 · 30/01/2022 11:25

You posted two days asking for things to do on holiday - for a family of 4, 2 children you and your dh

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 30/01/2022 11:27

Yes I did.
Before this latest episode of vitriol from h. Was hoping that he could at least be civil and have a family holiday together. Obviously not an option now

OP posts:

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 30/01/2022 11:28

I have tried so hard to keep this together but I think I’ve reached my limit now.

OP posts:

Toanewstart22 · 30/01/2022 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NerrSnerr · 30/01/2022 11:29

No one is saying that he shouldn't be doing 50% of the childcare. Of course he should, but he isn't. It's not fair on your son to try and prove a point if it's going to be detrimental to him.

Your 4 year old needs a stable household, without door slamming and shouting and parents that are arguing about who doesn't get to look after him. Your husband clearly can't provide that and at the moment you're not providing it either. Someone needs to put him first. If during that time you don't get the 'me' time you want then you should suck it up if it makes life easier for your small child.

The reason you don't get the time is because your husband is an arsehole, that is true- but you can't force him to parent his child and if you as the other parent doesn't step up it is your son who will suffer. It's shit but what else can you do?

OakRowan · 30/01/2022 14:23

Agreed, poor kid, neither of his parents want him, nor can they provide the safe, loving home he needs. Me time eh.

RepentMotherfucker · 30/01/2022 18:03

@Zebra2029

Some people on here have somevery antiquated and sexist views. The arrangement when ds was born was never for me to do the majority of the cars- we both work full time. And why should h not be held tp account for failing to parent his own child? At least I’m doing something when I delegate ds care to a nanny, h is usually just lounging around but can’t be bothered to look after him. To this day he does not support me in taking ds to classes or doing his homework with him, I do all that and more besides

It's neither antiquated nor sexist to suggest that parents should look after their children and be there for them. I think your husband should do the same. But he won't because he is a twat and a shit parent. That doesn't mean people should advise you to be a twat and a shit parent too in the interests of sex equality

Steelesauce · 30/01/2022 18:52

@Zebra2029

You seen so focused on how 'unfair' it all is. You can't make your ex be a parent. You're being a normal Mum, who does what their child needs. You need to stop focusing on this imaginary 50/50 you want and focus on the needs of your child. Life isn't fair.

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 30/01/2022 19:23

It is unfair as this isn’t what I signed up to when having a child with this man
I work full time plus look after all my child’s needs. Why is it so ridiculous for me to expect the h to do some of it when that wa la the plan all along? So that I am effectively restricted and he dors that he wants?
I am not saying I do not want to parent my child nor that I dint want to spend any time with him.
What I am saying is that it is unfair to expect me to live as effectively a single parent in. Marriage

OP posts:

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 30/01/2022 19:25

And I have been trying for a very long time to do all this l, to hold it together for the sake of ds. I can’t any more - I can’t live with someone who treats me the way they do plus does very little parenting

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 30/01/2022 19:28

@Zebra2029

It is unfair as this isn’t what I signed up to when having a child with this man I work full time plus look after all my child’s needs. Why is it so ridiculous for me to expect the h to do some of it when that wa la the plan all along? So that I am effectively restricted and he dors that he wants? I am not saying I do not want to parent my child nor that I dint want to spend any time with him. What I am saying is that it is unfair to expect me to live as effectively a single parent in. Marriage

It is unfair.

But you know that already.

He’s not going to change. You get what you’ve got. Now plan to deal with it.

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 30/01/2022 19:39

@NoSquirrels very true

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 30/01/2022 19:50

@Zebra2029

This is what everyone is saying. You can't live with him. It is damaging to you. It is damaging to your son. You need to move out. There will never be a right time- in 2 years time there'll be another reason why it's not the best time to live separately and this misery will continue indefinitely.

You know he's a shit dad. You know he doesn't pull his weight. You know he's narcissistic. No amount of mediation or counselling will change this. You need to do what is best for you and your son- it's hard but parenting and doing the right thing is hard.

OakRowan · 30/01/2022 21:00

Give it a rest about how unfair it is, how old are you!? Your relationship is over, you are pushing and pushing him for something he is refusing to give you, to the the detriment of your child, its not real, or appropriate, he is no longer your partner. You refuse to see this and its not 'fair' on a 4 year old, they way you are behaving. Stop. He needs his mummy, even if his dad doesn't give a shit. You keep saying the same things over and over about equality, 50 50, its not what you signed up for. Tough. Deal with the situation you have got instead of going on about something that doesn't and won't ever exist, it's so childish of you, your indignation and false beliefs making life harder for a little kid. Awful. You are as bad as each other.

OhamIreally · 30/01/2022 23:16

OP it's infuriating I know it is to see the injustice.
You're not being childish to call it out and you e confirmed you're looking after your child but you're so unhappy that what you thought was a joint enterprise is now solely for you to deal with.
I think oakrowan was extremely harsh on you. You are bewildered because what you have been led to believe about how society works is simply not true. We are told that we are equal and that we are 50/50 parents but when the shit hits the fan it's all down to the mother.
Many posters are telling you to move out and ensure your childcare does not rely on your ex and this is because they (we) have been where you are and we know that to carry on as you are will destroy you.
I didn't want to do all the childcare after my ex left and I was furious that he limited my life by forcing me to be a lone parent but I realised that my fury would have destroyed me whilst leaving him untouched.
I wish you well- it's really shit.

RedToothBrush · 30/01/2022 23:38

@Zebra2029

It is unfair as this isn’t what I signed up to when having a child with this man I work full time plus look after all my child’s needs. Why is it so ridiculous for me to expect the h to do some of it when that wa la the plan all along? So that I am effectively restricted and he dors that he wants? I am not saying I do not want to parent my child nor that I dint want to spend any time with him. What I am saying is that it is unfair to expect me to live as effectively a single parent in. Marriage

Well you married someone who had form for starters. That was a hint.

You are ridicilous to hold onto what is clearly a fantasy given this guy is a proven twat.

You haven't grasped the fact that your relationship is over and the reason he's not going through the legal side of things is because its better for him both financially and in terms of his responsibility to his child to not divorce.

Whilst you remain married, there is no third party to enforce his side of things. He can just do as he pleases and dump on you - because you enable it, rather than get that divorce.

Whilst you remain married, there is no financial cost to him. He doesn't have to pay maintainence. If he does less than 2 days custordary he gets a bigger penalty too. So if he remains married to you, he can dodge both the childcare and the financial liability.

He doesn't give a shit about whats best for your son. If you have to nag him, 'force him' or otherwise persuade him to look after his son, without doing it off his own back, he's not interested. Get that through your head.

Your relationship with him is dead. And crucially he's not interested in a relationship with his son either. Yet you are still trying to push it. You are never getting anywhere with that.

It doesn't fucking matter that its unfair. Life is fucking unfair sometimes.

You want to remain with your head in the sand focusing on your dickhead of a husband rather than addressing the fact that whilst you do that you are also being unfair to your son.

Your son doesn't give a shit which parent is parenting. They need at least one parent to do it, rather than engage in 'he said, she said, well he did this, but she did that' shit.

Yes its unfair. But yes he wants you to single parent without the divorce because it suits him.

He's done this before. He knows how divorce works. He trying to avoid it.

If you think anything of your son, you will at the solitictors tomorrow doing your paperwork for your divorce, because thats the only way you will ever get your husband to do anything, and even then he's likely to spend a lifetime letting down his son.

Cos thats the shit that happens to thousands of women.

AlternativePerspective · 31/01/2022 06:50

I think oakrowan was extremely harsh on you. if anything she wasn’t harsh enough.

OP married a man who didn’t pull his weight. He hasn’t pulled his weight in the past 4 years and OP is complaining that she didn’t sign up for this now they’re at a point she wants out.

And in the middle of this there’s a small child who seemingly nobody gives a shit about. So OP “does the school runs, feeds him, plays with him,” and somewhere after all that she mentions she loves him.

Seriously the OP sounds like many of the dh’s dp’s of people who post on the relationships board who complain that they’re expected to look after their children and that hobbies don’t feature any more.

Well that’s life. You have children, you look after them. It would be nice if the father stepped up but he isn’t so the buck stops with you. And if that means you don’t get a night to yourself for the next several years then tough shit. It’s called parenting.

Oh and “happy mum equals happy child” is a cliched load of bullshit. I sincerely doubt the child is happy while the parent is off having their 3 nights and one weekend day to themselves while he’s being palmed off on the nanny.

Original poster

Zebra2029 · 31/01/2022 08:32

Think it goes without saying that I love ds and want best for him.
Ds has never been palmed off onto nannies in the evening and weekends. If I can’t look after him and h refuses to, he will be in the care of a nanny. It is my duty as a parent to ensure that he is looked after if I can’t and dicker head h will not.
I am speaking to lawyers this week.

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