H refusing to plan/do childcare pending separation/divorce

[Zebra2029]

Hi all. So h and I been rocky for a while (I think he’s actually a narcissist) so we’ve been seeing a therapist who has helped us put a parenting plan together. This was generally followed sort from h not doing quite as much childcare as me (We both working full time).
We had yet another huge row this time. H has blocked me via email and phone since and basically deleted all all our childcare plans for the next few weeks. He refuses to speak to me at home.
I’ve made plans for the next few weeks based on the childcare plans and now I don’t know how to plan simply as he won’t engage with me. He is the type to just walk out and leave me to do all the childcare outside school/nanny. Ds is 4 years old.
H refuses to engage with mr at all now apart from through our therapist, whom is also a mediator.
I tried to discuss the childcare with him this morning but he literally slammed a door in my face and will not speak to me.
During the argument, o told h that I was unhappy and couldn’t continue as we are and suggested separation…he laughed in my face. I think the reason he is focusing on refusing to do any childcare is to get me where it hurts…he knows I don’t care about him but he is effectively isolating me so I can’t do any activities outside my work, whilst he does next to no childcare. We have no family nearby and are entirely dependent on nannies for childcare.

My question is , is this abuse and can I get send a lawyers letter or similar asking h to do childcare and therefore engage in parenting?

OP if you are staying in the same area then the price stagnation would be the same? A smaller house would also be cheaper?

I am reading this thread with a certain amount of despair because this sounds like a situation i knew off

Two parents who divorced and BOTH viewed parenting their child as an inconvenience that got in the waybof theit social life / free time.

The child was constantly dumped with the nanny and eventually went off the rails. Why? Because nannies are parents and when your parents are at war with each other and pretty much are saying 'i dont want him on Tuesday because Ive plans' the kid picks up on that and feels unwanted on top of the trauma of the actual divorce.

Nannies are paid for childcare. They dont love and nurture.

Its not typical around here but Ive come across kids who have been fucked up by the emotional neglect of constantly being left with the au pair or the nanny and thats without the divorce.

Your son may lose his father because he's feckless and disinterested. This situation might not be fair to you, but its also the moment your son needs you to step up even more.

If your priority is going out or having time to yourself rather ensuring your son feels secure at such an unsettled time, you are missing the point.

Yes you will need the odd day / time for yourself but I question whether 2/3 evenings a week and one weekend day every week. It smacks of you being as selfish as your husband - just in a different way.

Your son needs his parents. Not his nanny. You want to go out, but you ultimately don't need to from everything you've said. Its a luxury.

Yes your husband is trying to control you, but you still need to be putting your son first and be conscious that you simply cant abdicate the responsibility every bit as much as your husband.

Most women simply don't have the option of a nanny in the first place either. They cope because they have to cope and because their kids need them to.

@EarringsandLipstick
For some reason he seems to react differently when an ‘expert’ tells him to step up and parent, or when he is in the presence of a third party. It almost seems as he wants to appear reasonable and considerate to everyone else but me. Though I have a feeling he may refuse a mediation, we will see. I suspect that the idea of his actions being exposed in a court room will be off putting to him, though he has already tried to claim that I am ‘mental’ ‘paranoid’ and have a ‘victim mentality’…interestingly enough he described his ex wife in the same terms a few years ago

@Zebra2029

Surely h should set up and do his 50% as he claims he wants??

The only reason he claims to want 50% is because it reduces his CMS payments and because it gives him an opportunity of fucking your life up repeatedly by bailing on you last minute.

He's a dickhead. So stop expecting him to behave like a normal reasonable person, because it's never going to happen. You need to divorce now, live separately and accept that nothing you can do will make it amicable. He doesn't care about you or DC and he's never going to do anything that makes life the tiniest bit easier for you. In fact, he'll willingly put effort into making your life more difficult, instead of doing something that's easy for him and which helps you.

If you stay together another few years all you're doing is harming your DC emotionally. You need to put your DC welfare as a higher priority than your financial circumstances. You need to live separately from H and fight any battles from your sanctuary of a home without H in it, as a single parent planned with 100% parenting time, until such time as courts order him some parenting time.

@RedToothBrush beautifully written and expressed.
Fabulous post

The only one I feel sorry for here is the child. You both sound as bad as each other.

He’s slamming doors, you’re having screaming rows, you’re refusing to leave, neither of you appear to actually want this child who you have referred to only when talking about “childcare” not parenting, not wanting to do the best by the child, not giving a shit how the child feels, just playing your petty games between you, him because he’s an arsehole and you because you feel you’re entitled to your free evenings and day during the week even though the child is predominantly looked after by the nanny.

I’d say the only stability this child has in its life and probably the only one he feels gives a shit about him is the nanny.

The pair of you need to grow up. And that includes you.

(I also really liked @RepentMotherfucker's post)

@Zebra2029

I still dont understand why people think it’s acceptable for h to not do an equal amount of parenting to me. Why is 3 nights a week to myself seem and in practice an afternoon to 1 day per week excessive as child free time when h is allowed more? We both work full time high pressured jobs. Or is this some sexist presumption? I didn’t have my ds to Parent him alone. We have a nanny as we both can’t do school pick ups. I do almost 70% of pick ups /drops off childcare and h id supposed to do 50%. Neither of us have any family nearby to pick up the slack, which lots of people generally do. I do all the school admin, health appointments and basically everything ds related while h does a few hours of childcare per week, despite the fact that we both work. He is a higher earner but we have separate finances and he does not support me financially.

People don't agree that's H is right or that he's entitled to more than you.

People are just being realistic.

In case you haven't realised yet, life isn't fair and shitty people don't behave in a fair manner. They also can't be ordered by a court or anyone else to behave in a reasonable manner.

People have free will, dickheads will be dickheads and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. The sooner you accept this, the better, because you've got zero chance of getting on with your life until you do.

I'm also willing to bet you won't feel the need for quite so much "me time" when you're not living with a dickhead any more. I don't think you fully realise the impact of H behaviour on yourself or DC.

Wise words guys, thank you all- taking it all on board.
I agree that I probably won’t need ‘me’ timt to the extent I do - I think this situation is causing me a lot of stress, and as it’s been going on for a while, I seem to have normalised it.

I think when you have your own place without a narcissist husband in it you will relax and find time for yourself. Much calmer for your child too. No good can come of staying with him and certainly not for ££

@Zebra2029

Wise words guys, thank you all- taking it all on board. I agree that I probably won’t need ‘me’ timt to the extent I do - I think this situation is causing me a lot of stress, and as it’s been going on for a while, I seem to have normalised it.

Atm you are focused on it not being fair and caught in a fight with your husband.

Refocus. The only one who matters is your son. He doesn't care whether daddy is being fair to mummy or not. He just wants to be loved.

Think of it this way: your husband is throwing a tantrum about not being the centre of your life since your son came along. He is doing all these things to continuously go 'look at me, give me attention'. In getting into his drama you end up ignoring what your son needs because its always about trying to manage the behaviour of your husband.

You have one child, not two.

Don't play the childish 'its not fair game'. Be a parent.

You might have to give up on the idea of fairness. None of it is fair! My ex stopped bothering with being a parent when we split (domestic violence). I had to learn the hard way that all that mattered was my love for my son.
Money is not important compared to that.

A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

My ex used to do this to control me. I sorted it so I didn't need him. Once I had done that, my life was so much better. He has 0 contact now. No, it isn't fair men can walk away when they please, but if you were to do the same, your child will go into care. If that is what you want, then that is up to you but personally, I stepped up and put them first. They didn't ask to have a shitty Dad so I became a better Mum for them.

@Zebra2029

Still no mention of your DS. You seem to be intent on proving your H 'wrong'

Please make plans to move out & provide a secure, loving home for your DS.

No therapist or expert mediator will sort this mess out.

Your marriage is over, split up and deal with the financial cost. Stop putting two children through this ridiculous charade. It’s in your gift to do that regardless of how your ex behaves.

Neither of you are communicating well with each other, your focus on creating a war about exact hours and timetables of childcare, that you have to win at all costs because you are so right is unreasonable and unhealthy, immature, regardless of how uncooperative your dh is and how 'unfair' it feels to you. Your focus should be your child, not how many hours you can schedule away from him, when you already work full time and have a nanny. Your expectations of what is reasonable as time off as a parent are wildly unrealistic, especially during the hell that is a relationship breakdown, 3 nights off in the week and a day at the weekend while you are at each others throats? Read in bed. Because you NEED that time. Well yes, but if you behave better and manage it better you would be handling it better. Your child needs you, to not be constantly creating a hostile atmosphere at home and seeking to get away from him, poor lamb. So what if DH is being a dick, all the more reason for you to provide safety and security for your little boy. When do you ever see your son? You don't want to be with either of them do you, obsessed with your perceived entitlements to time on your own, that you are neglecting your son and his emotional wellbeing over. You keep hinting at his previous marriage and how it ended, that he's not a good man. You went into this with eyes wide open, you have a step son too who is suffering but you need the time off? Get a grip, you are both being selfish. Its a crisis, sure for all of you, but you are running away from it and making it harder for the children involved because you are so convinced you are 100% right and due what you deserve. If DH is a narc then it sounds like you were very well matched when you first met and this is the inevitable conclusion. Them poor kids. Yes you should have time for yourself, thats reasonable and normal, but you're not going to get it from him, so drop the battle, cuddle your son, do bedtimes and weekends like the rest of us. You are both emotionally neglecting and abusing these children.

Also if you were ever going to have that kind of of childcare equality with him you would already have it by now, from the start. Trying to force it now, with someone you openly despise, (your son will remember all this) within a relationship that is over is a total fantasy, to prove a point, of course he isn't going to give you what you want, it is too late.
Your little boy has never needed you more and you aren't there for him. Feel sorry for the nanny too! Separate, move out, arrange contact, anything else is cruel.

He is not obligated in anyway at this point to provide you with any opportunity to socialise.

He isn’t obligated in any way to parent his own child? You appear to think OP is the default parent.

Now, atm, you opting to go out 2 to 3 evening a week and a day at weekend, may well be enough to oursuade a court that he should be the primary caregiver.

Nonsense. He might think that, but it is absolutely not true.

Wow. Good advice but lots of people whom think that I do nothing for my son! I put him to bed at least 5 nights of the week, cook for him at weekends, do his all school admin and general admin, take him to activities and arrange play date s at weekends . H on the other hand seems to be choosing when he puts him to bed and plans very little for him, even naps when he is supposed to be looking after him (something our counsellor said was absolutely not on, and h only listened to him and not me when I raises this as a safeguarding issue)

It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with ds. What I I object to his h not keeping to his agreement with me to do 50/50 parenting as a means of isolating and punishing me, and effectively stopping all communication with me - that’s abuse and absolutely not on. If he doesn’t or never had shy attention of doing 50/50 he should have been honest. And deliberately cancelling an agreed plan is just plain nasty and again its abusive to me.

I love my ds and I’m beginning to realise that I should refocus on him . But this vitriol about wanting my own time is ridiculous - happy parent means happy child. There are a few whom seem to resent the fact that we use a nanny too.

Thanks everyone

He isn't abusing you, he's just not doing his fair share and letting you down at the last minute. Take that power away from him by completely lowering your expectations and putting your time and energy into endingbit and moving out and and away with minimal stress. He isn't going to change and you can't make him, especially not by now. You are wasting time and energy fighting for something you aren't going to get.

Some people on here have somevery antiquated and sexist views. The arrangement when ds was born was never for me to do the majority of the cars- we both work full time. And why should h not be held tp account for failing to parent his own child? At least I’m doing something when I delegate ds care to a nanny, h is usually just lounging around but can’t be bothered to look after him. To this day he does not support me in taking ds to classes or doing his homework with him, I do all that and more besides

@OakRowan - if is abuse when he has shut down all communication with me, walks out last minute when he supposed to be doing childcare and ripping up a childcare plan so I don’t know how to plan things. He also routinely gives mr the silent treatment for months when I’ve criticised him at all ; he pans this as ‘verbal abuse’z

So move out, end it, get out. Stop making plans that he will never stick to. You'll be doing even more yourself once you move out but it'll be calmer and a good routine instead of an argue. Its great you can afford a nanny, but 4 years in is a bit of a long time to still be railing against your own parenting responsibilities, that most parents see as normal. Happy parent, happy kid sure, but he needs you now, in this awful time, not to be left for more time with someone who doesn't want to look after him. Try seeing it in terms of meeting the needs of your child, instead of your own, his comfort and security, protect him instead of fighting to expose him to more of the same. Stop seeking out extra conflict, its pointless at this stage.

The only reason he claims to want 50% is because it reduces his CMS payments and because it gives him an opportunity of fucking your life up repeatedly by bailing on you last minute.

I do think that this is worth reflecting on.

He knows the drill. This isn't his first divorce. I suspect part of the reason he hasn't agreed to divorce is because he knows the financial impact of this.

He wants to appear to those in authority that he is doing so much childcare and is willing, but you will have a nightmare with him in practice.

I think you would be wise to document any time he does agree to do childcare then bails.

I think you will need to.

Its not vitriol. You aren't the victim you think you are, unless there's a drip feed coming. Lots of people (with much less available childcare) find it extraordinary that you are putting so much effort into planning your time off away from your little child, so much time off, pushing to leave him in the care of someone who doesn't want it. Its unusual. That might be normal amongst your colleagues and peers, the people round you, maybe you all don't do as much childcare as the majority and have the funds to buy in extra with nannies, all the more reason to seek out time to spend mothering and nurturing an upset fragile little thing than book in even more time off him. He needs you more, he is suffering more than you. You have choices to make that better for him and end the current situation, but you would rather fight about what is essentially access and contact while you are all still living together, look further ahead.
You are both hurting him, on schedule. Most people don't do that. I separated from DH when DS was 2, did it as quickly and carefully as possible, not without dreadful rows and months of horrible situations, but strived to keep it to a minimum to avoid harm that will last lifelong as your kids grow up into adulthood. It isn't fair, but you are not a child. He is now 4, we co parent mostly ok, I can't imagine not wanting to make it as easy as possible for him at the worst time in his life. He will remember.