Divorcing a suspected narcissist

[Ithinkitstime]

I have been with my husband for 19 years. Married for 13. I have been trying to end this marriage for some time.

I told him it was over at the end of July/start of August and he went crackers. Lots of angry outbursts, threats and gaslighting ensued. He also self harmed quite badly and I had to involve the mental health crisis team.

All of his messing about and threats mean that my solicitor's fees are already more than I can afford and I have already paid double the original estimate for the entire process. I can no longer finance this without debt.

He has not accepted the URB claims and instead sent a huge response to my solicitor 10 minutes before the deadline saying that I was emotionally abusive and controlling, not him.

He also said that I was emotionally neglectful as he has mental health problems and I've stopped caring for him.

He has done a couple of things in the past that the police have investigated so I have revised my URB claims to include these as he is threatening to defend the divorce and he will be unable to defend those things. My solicitor has said that defending a divorce is rare, but he claims he is intent on doing it and insists that I will be made to pay all of his costs. He is on a lowish salary and the cost of defending will be a minimum of 10 grand, which he can't afford, but he still keeps up with this threat.

He is being all sweetness and light in person at the moment (though I am trying to grey rock as much as possible). Until he isn't being nice anymore. He has also been sending me photos of my daughter and my kittens today. Very strange when we are not speaking and he sent a threatening message earlier in the week.

He has finally found a rental property and applied for it. I assume he has paid a hefty deposit too. In the next few days he will receive the notification from court that the divorce is happening. I expect he will flip his lid at this point as he has been trying to bully me into changing the claims again and I haven't.

Today he is sending veiled threats that he will refuse to leave if I haven't done what we "discussed". Really this wasn't a discussion.

I'm living in a state of constant terror as I worry about antagonising him or being confronted and threatened. Sleep is, unsurprisingly, pretty terrible right now. I need him to leave so badly, and he is dangling that like a carrot in front of me.

The children - DD is 15 and DS is 10 are coping on the surface, but I know that they are suffering too. We all need to move on, but sadly he won't allow it and I know his behaviour will have a long-term impact on them.

I have a job with a heavy workload that I am managing to hold down successfully so far, but I fear for my health and sanity. Luckily, I love my job and it is a refuge for me right now, but every weekend is adrenaline fueled and hellish and leave me feeling sick.

All I long for is peace in my life. I feel that once he's gone this can start to happen.

I have spoken with the doctor twice. Have been in touch with Women's Aid and the NDV helpline and also social services. Have had a MIAM alone and have a certificate stating that this case is not suitable for mediation because of the emotional abuse and game playing.

I have listened to the love lure and loss podcast as recommended on mumsnet and think it is brilliant so thank you for that.

Any thoughts, ideas on what I might do next - other than holding my very frayed nerve would be gratefully received.

Also scared me when he said that he has an enormous amount of documentation against what I was alleging. - what? How? Just scare tactics?

Certain just to be scare tactics.

Read "enormous amount" as "a smattering of emails or text messages".

Read "documentation" as "his decontextualised, self-serving interpretation of what you wrote, which he will be surprised to find legal experts do not view the same way he does".

In my experience, narcissists have extremely poor forward planning skills and an inability to consider consequences in a logical or realistic way.

They have usually had a fair bit of luck with people taking their grand claims or 'good intentions' on faith, and a fair bit of luck with people giving them the benefit of the doubt when they make excuses as to why their grand claims or good intentions have fallen through. So they feel that their claims are almost as good as reality, and expect to be forgiven easily when they fail to front.

They also tend to blank out/forget negative experiences. So if people have refused to accept their big claims in the past, or called them on their lies, they either repress the whole experience and forget it happened, or invent some kind of vaguely plausible reason that this person had it all wrong. This leaves them with the perspective that they can get away with any old bullshit.

Your NEX was probably hoping/believed that if he simply claimed to have proof you were lying, the judge would take him at his word. Unfortunately for him, this is not how the legal system works.

If there is, to your knowledge, no documentation that would or could prove you to be an unfit mother (due to you not being an unfit mother) then you can safely assume that he is just grandstanding.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through separating with a passive aggressive husband?
I've been with him for nearly 28 years and ahev 3 children. When we met I was working abroad and he wanted to join me amd do the same. We talked endlessly about where would travel to and he was so funny. He made me laugh all the time and treated me like a princess.
We had to come back to UK to save some money and bought a house, initially to do up and rent out but we got comfy, married and had kids.
As soon as my first one was born he changed. He wasn't interested in me in ANY way and found me being "a" mother a big turn off. That was 22 years ago. I don't even know how the younger one was conceived!
All his laughter and sparkle have have become bitterness and resentment. He is secretly and covertly angry, paranoid and jealous all the time.
He has ruined all my friendships and places where I worked as a volunteer. He has actively spoilt and bribed the children behind my back and as things have come to a head lately, he has turned all the progress and love and support in facing and dealing with his passive aggressive issues relating to his childhood, completely against me and is using it to make the children think its all my fault. I have worked endlessly to make sure the kids have a happy life and respect their father. I've tried to make them open minded and empathic people but my eldest is just blaming me.
He has cut himself off from all of his own friends over the years but became obsessed with a man we met through work. Nothing romantic. He was totally obsessed with him, his wife and their little girl. It was like he wanted to be his best mate, he looked at houses to buy near them and even started wearing the local sports top.
He stopped speaking to us all and would get physically stressed if I tried to stop him contacting them. 6 years on after him swearing on the kids life that he would never contact them for the sake of our marriage and my peace of mind, he has secretly been driving miles to visit them.
As he has spent nearly 30 years gaslighting me and driving me to the point of screaming with his passive aggressive sabotage of me, he is saying I am the one gaslighting him because its no big deal if he contacts them. This is just one issue.
He didn't know what gaslighting was until I explained it to him and now he's googled it he is using words like "projection" etc. He hasn't a clue whst they mean. After years of no sleep and trying to find out why he was constantly lying to me and not finishing jobs in the house, or not speaking etc. I broached the passive aggressive to him as an answer. We worked, well I thought WE did, on his issues from childhood causing this behaviour. He has cried on my lap and we have embraced the clarity that researching this gave us both. For a while he was simply silent and boring which was manageable, but he has been missing work and spending time sitting on a bench. Where we are now is that he has said he only agreed to admit to passive aggressive issues and his childhood to please me and keep me quiet because if I yell at him it's my abuse of him. He has told the children behind my back that I am abusing him and galsighting him by keep saying "passive agressive" and he can't take any more. I admit he does make me bloody mad with this, but what on earth do I do? I worry about his mental health just as much as hate him and love him. Any advice please?

@Hangingonnot you need to start a new thread on the relationship board to ask for help. It sounds like a very difficult situation you are in

So two weeks ago I was in court to get a non molestation order against my ex husband for constant emotional and physiological abuse in our relationship. We return to court this week and he’s out in his statement of events and making me out to be a jealous ex over his new relationship, making references to my mental health and saying I’m the controlling one. All are lies. My little boys school has been sucked in by his lies. He breached his order last week by turning up on a place he knew I would be and the police went to have a word and he said he didn’t know I would be there he did.

I’m dreading the outcome as I fear everytime I see
Him. I hardly leave the house. I think cos we have a male judge this time he will be taken in by his lies. He’s so good at playing the victim.

Yes I know sorry. I don't know how to delete it???

@CheekyHobson

Also scared me when he said that he has an enormous amount of documentation against what I was alleging. - what? How? Just scare tactics?

Certain just to be scare tactics.

Read "enormous amount" as "a smattering of emails or text messages".

Read "documentation" as "his decontextualised, self-serving interpretation of what you wrote, which he will be surprised to find legal experts do not view the same way he does".

In my experience, narcissists have extremely poor forward planning skills and an inability to consider consequences in a logical or realistic way.

They have usually had a fair bit of luck with people taking their grand claims or 'good intentions' on faith, and a fair bit of luck with people giving them the benefit of the doubt when they make excuses as to why their grand claims or good intentions have fallen through. So they feel that their claims are almost as good as reality, and expect to be forgiven easily when they fail to front.

They also tend to blank out/forget negative experiences. So if people have refused to accept their big claims in the past, or called them on their lies, they either repress the whole experience and forget it happened, or invent some kind of vaguely plausible reason that this person had it all wrong. This leaves them with the perspective that they can get away with any old bullshit.

Your NEX was probably hoping/believed that if he simply claimed to have proof you were lying, the judge would take him at his word. Unfortunately for him, this is not how the legal system works.

If there is, to your knowledge, no documentation that would or could prove you to be an unfit mother (due to you not being an unfit mother) then you can safely assume that he is just grandstanding.

Thank you @CheekyHobson. I needed to hear this. It was hard facing him in court like that and as another poster says didn't sink in straight away that I now have protection in place. The judge saw straight through him. As did the police and the SW and all the other agencies who have been involved.

I can honestly say that this is now the first weekend in months and months where I have truly started to relax and it feels so good 😊

Hanging, not need to delete it - just start another thread if you want. In your case I would divorce the husband - I did after 20 years although easier in my case as my older children encouraged me to do so so there was no question in my case that they would blame me or take his side. My ex insisted he divorce me not vice versa - no problem with that at all for me as long as it was done - every day in a sense is like Christmas now without him and this is now nearly 20 years on from the divorce.