Divorcing a suspected narcissist

[Ithinkitstime]

I have been with my husband for 19 years. Married for 13. I have been trying to end this marriage for some time.

I told him it was over at the end of July/start of August and he went crackers. Lots of angry outbursts, threats and gaslighting ensued. He also self harmed quite badly and I had to involve the mental health crisis team.

All of his messing about and threats mean that my solicitor's fees are already more than I can afford and I have already paid double the original estimate for the entire process. I can no longer finance this without debt.

He has not accepted the URB claims and instead sent a huge response to my solicitor 10 minutes before the deadline saying that I was emotionally abusive and controlling, not him.

He also said that I was emotionally neglectful as he has mental health problems and I've stopped caring for him.

He has done a couple of things in the past that the police have investigated so I have revised my URB claims to include these as he is threatening to defend the divorce and he will be unable to defend those things. My solicitor has said that defending a divorce is rare, but he claims he is intent on doing it and insists that I will be made to pay all of his costs. He is on a lowish salary and the cost of defending will be a minimum of 10 grand, which he can't afford, but he still keeps up with this threat.

He is being all sweetness and light in person at the moment (though I am trying to grey rock as much as possible). Until he isn't being nice anymore. He has also been sending me photos of my daughter and my kittens today. Very strange when we are not speaking and he sent a threatening message earlier in the week.

He has finally found a rental property and applied for it. I assume he has paid a hefty deposit too. In the next few days he will receive the notification from court that the divorce is happening. I expect he will flip his lid at this point as he has been trying to bully me into changing the claims again and I haven't.

Today he is sending veiled threats that he will refuse to leave if I haven't done what we "discussed". Really this wasn't a discussion.

I'm living in a state of constant terror as I worry about antagonising him or being confronted and threatened. Sleep is, unsurprisingly, pretty terrible right now. I need him to leave so badly, and he is dangling that like a carrot in front of me.

The children - DD is 15 and DS is 10 are coping on the surface, but I know that they are suffering too. We all need to move on, but sadly he won't allow it and I know his behaviour will have a long-term impact on them.

I have a job with a heavy workload that I am managing to hold down successfully so far, but I fear for my health and sanity. Luckily, I love my job and it is a refuge for me right now, but every weekend is adrenaline fueled and hellish and leave me feeling sick.

All I long for is peace in my life. I feel that once he's gone this can start to happen.

I have spoken with the doctor twice. Have been in touch with Women's Aid and the NDV helpline and also social services. Have had a MIAM alone and have a certificate stating that this case is not suitable for mediation because of the emotional abuse and game playing.

I have listened to the love lure and loss podcast as recommended on mumsnet and think it is brilliant so thank you for that.

Any thoughts, ideas on what I might do next - other than holding my very frayed nerve would be gratefully received.

Does he has an income? Is the mortgage also on his name? Yes, there is a risk he will stop paying to screw you up but debts acquired during the marriage may not be so once you move out. My ex went wild on his credit cards after we split on the idea “half” of then would be mine. The judge told him were to go.

But in the meantime it may help to talk to your mortgage provider to see if you can take a break or move it to interest only.

So, if he was talking of cancelling a tenancy but you also have a mortgage, what is the tenancy for?

I’ve unfortunately been through something similar. I think it’s really important to find a way to live separately. That will not only give you some head space but also it starts the timer for a couple down to enable a divorce after 2 years of living separately if he’s being difficult about divorcing on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. The other way to play that is to let him divorce you on grounds of what he alleges is your unreasonable behaviour, it doesn’t really matter in the long run just do what you have to do to get a divorce! An occupation order might help if he refuses to move out but I’m not sure how it works if you have a joint mortgage; I was also told that an occupation order wouldn’t be granted because his behaviour wasn’t “bad” enough but I think that was a reflection of having a shit solicitor who wasn’t listening to me properly and wasn’t actually believing me when I spoke about domestic abuse, she had somehow decided I was “playing the domestic abuse card” I think rather than treating me as a real victim of domestic abuse. Do bear in mind that the “status quo” is where any child custody bargaining starts so if the norm becomes that the kids live with him while you’ve moved out that isn’t great for you, so if you are leaving, take the kids with you. Someone has to move out and he is going to dig his heels in and make it as hard as possible for you, you need advice on this from domestic abuse services and a decent solicitor. I think you do need to make sure you have a solicitor who is really well versed in this kind of stuff and knows the tactics of abusive controlling men in such a situation and believes you that this is the situation. I second what others have said here about keeping a log and reporting up any abusive incidents to police. You can also ask them to flag your address with domestic abuse issues for a few months if you think things are likely to kick off and you might need them there in a hurry. I also really really second what others have said here about not using your solicitor as a counsellor! Speak to friends/family/an actual counsellor/a domestic abuse support worker (if you can get one they can really help navigate these tricky situations) and not your solicitor about anything other than actual legal stuff, they charge by the minute/sentence!

The tenancy was for a property he was going to move to. He’s now threatening to stay. Might be an idle threat or not.

It’s impossible to predict these types because their MO is to unnerve you. I think there is a good chance he is saving face by saying he isn’t going. But that could revert to “I have decided this is what’s best for me”, as a sort of win for himself. I’d have a quiet word with his mate and ask him to make sense prevail.

Meantime it’s a shitty situation. As long as you have contact with him you need to Grey Rock. Post on here or relationships to get talked out of reacting. It’s cheaper than the solicitor. We can tell you to ignore him for free.

You are right to focus on your options as you are doing. Plough your own furrow and don’t get embroiled in what he is up to. It won’t make sense and a lot of it will be bluster.

Get evidence for an occupation order and try to get him out. That’s plan A. Also look at the option to move out as plan B. Speak to the bank about a mortgage holiday for as long as you can get it.

Chin up OP. Think of him as a white noise machine that will soon be out of your life. Tune him out and just fall asleep.

Too scary to live with husband any longer. Felt too threatened. To cut a long story short, police have asked him to move out and explained that him staying would mean his children have 2 hours of travelling to school each day. He refused to leave. They waited in the house whilst my dad and I collected as much as we could. I then collected the children from school and now I'm at my mum's.

The children are being amazing, but why is this my life? I've been bullied out of my own home.

Also wanted to say that I am reading and appreciating every bit of advice you are giving so thank you all of you.

Now the police have been involved ring up NDV and apply for an occupation order in the house.

How is it the police have no powers to force him out to protect you?!

Let us know what is happening hun. Glad you have your family to support you through this x

Thank you. I feel relieved to be out of it. Had really good support from women's aid - did the risk assessment and came out as high risk.
Am about to call The legal rights of women and see what advice they give.
I have a few things I'd like to ask them, but any suggestions for things I might not have thought about would be gratefully received 🙂

I moved out with the children to my parents also after police weren't able to hold my ex husband. I managed to get a non molestation and occupation order to get us back in the house. It took quite a few months and the cost was eye watering. It is also one of the worst experiences of my life having to document it all. But, the alternative was living at my parents with the kids whilst he stayed in the family home, digging his heels in. I'm glad I took it the whole way, however painful it was.
Lots of people say never leave the family home, but like you I had no choice. I couldn't ask my children to live like that anymore, or myself. I wish you so much luck, I'm so sorry it's got to this. Get lots of support.

Try not to take on too much at the same time. I know it’s not ideal to live so far away from schools but hey it’s almost Christmas. Give yourself plenty of self care don’t just keep busy with phone calls etc. I made that mistake and burnt out.
Yes you can apply for injunctions.
Another idea would be to get your solicitor to send a warning letter essentially telling him he has to move out within x else you will file for injunctions and the cost might be claimed back from him. Possibly won’t work but worth a shot!! Court injunctions can be expensive. I was quoted thousands of pounds by my solicitor and didn’t have the guts to file myself. Haven’t still and living through a nightmare still even though he is out of the house.
Good luck x

National Domestic Violence Helpline will assist in the legal process so you don't need to use a solicitor.

Thanks both.

I spent hours on the non mol today. Used court nav. Have a list of things to do tomorrow.

I'm shattered right now though. Definitely incorporating some me time tomorrow.

I feel so pleased to be out of it. Doing the non mol and seeing how much this has been hurting my children has been vitally important.

I think I've just been sort of taking a deep breath, heads down, let's plough on in the hope that he'd leave, but my poor children can't do that.

Seems crazy that they are having their education disrupted and my work and career is effected - I have a lot of people in my care who are also having disruption due to my absence - am spending a fortune on petrol whilst one man who works from home just sits in the house all day. Oh yeah and I pay all bills and mortgage.

Wondered about getting the WiFi cut off- that'd bother him 🤔

Well if you can end the wifi or transfer it go for it!

I would also take meter readings and transfer bills especially council tax as I don't think it will be quick to get an occupation order.

Really horrid day yesterday. Tried to get some more stuff from my house yesterday accompanied by my friend. Husband tried to stop me entering the property. I went into complete meltdown and called the police.

In the meantime he let me in and my friend stayed with him whilst I went upstairs to get some stuff. Police called me back and talked me down. I am usually a very calm and rational woman and was surprised at how panicked and distressed I got.

Police came and one stayed with him. Whilst another supported me as I picked up the list of things my children had asked for. Before they arrived he managed to tell my friend that I was abusing our daughter and am hell to live with. He also told her to get out of his house and that he was going to sue her - I think this is because she had said that I felt unsafe and had gone with the children to a place of safety.

Really traumatic, but the upshot is that the police referred me to NCDV and they have called me this morning whilst I was walking in the woods near my mum's in the brilliant sunshine. They are going to do my non mol and occupancy orders for me. I have already completed the forms so they will use thus to form the basis of their work. So hope is on the horizon now.

My husband is now contacting my dad to try to move things forwards. He has now been served with the divorce petition by the courts and is still trying to get me to change the urb claims - the only purpose this can serve is to waste money 🤷‍♀️

hang on in there, the police are supporting you that speaks volumes

@RandomMess

I would also take meter readings and transfer bills especially council tax as I don't think it will be quick to get an occupation order.

Rang Virgin Media. They just need my crime number and they'll cancel or move the account to the address where I'm staying straight away. He won't be able to work then. They are calling me back tomorrow morning

I'm thinking of going back to my home...
Am sick of being bullied - time to stop being a quivering mess and stand up to this bully 😤
Every one of his threats is empty and meaningless.

He needs to stay out of my way and f**k off ASAP.

My older son needs somewhere to stay and so I'm going to move him in next weekend.
I am a strong professional woman who is paying all the bills and has just wasted hundreds on petrol. Madness 😠

Husband now has a place to live and is saying two weeks till he has broadband. Pollocks to that, I'll buy him a bloody dongle myself.

@Ithinkitstime

I'm thinking of going back to my home... Am sick of being bullied - time to stop being a quivering mess and stand up to this bully 😤 Every one of his threats is empty and meaningless.

He needs to stay out of my way and f**k off ASAP.

My older son needs somewhere to stay and so I'm going to move him in next weekend.
I am a strong professional woman who is paying all the bills and has just wasted hundreds on petrol. Madness 😠

Husband now has a place to live and is saying two weeks till he has broadband. Pollocks to that, I'll buy him a bloody dongle myself.

Love this post. Good for you OP for finding this strength inside you. Very inspirational post. Hang in there and keep posting.

Hi @freeatlast2021 your name is inspirational too. How long did it take?

I have been married 25 years but unhappy for at least 15. Not sure what took me that long to break free. I suspect it is a cultural thing. In my family marriage was to be preserved at all costs, and I guess it was not very common for a woman to leave. For years I would find myself thinking, "free, I want to be free", but somehow it did not occur to me that I could leave, so I just felt stuck and utterly miserable.

I also suspected my ex to be a narcissist, but he was really subtle, not much to put my finger to, you know. I just felt, for years, that I was being mistreated. I did not feel loved properly, respected, appreciated, heard. I felt…oppressed. I was unhappy and stressed all the time. It was not until I started therapy, two years ago, that I finally got some kind of validation. My therapist told me that what I was experiencing was indeed abuse, mental, emotional and financial and that my ex's behavior is that of a narcissist. I recently ran into this definition: exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration and a lack of understanding of other's feelings. This is my ex to a t.

I can see that your stbx is more aggressive and I hope you manage to break free safely. When I finally found courage to talk to mine, he just retreated without much fight, which in a way I was grateful to him for. Four months after our “talk” he moved out and it has been four months since. He keeps telling everyone who wants to listen, that he has no idea why I broke our marriage.

@freeatlast2021thank you for sharing your story. Lots of it makes sense to me. Using the stbx anacronym made me smile and lifted me.

To be honest, I am afraid of going home, but it is my home and I'm usually the greater presence in it. I popped in today whilst he was out, to drop off some stuff and I just thought, this is my place. No need to be afraid, but a message also came from him today via my dad which made my blood run cold and got me into a flap.

I can see that he is so terrified of public exposure that he is now offering to pay me to change the petition. I know he'd pay up front aswell. I'm wondering if my solicitor's advice to stand strong is triggering him. She was certainly annoyed by him too.

Am thinking hard, because the thing which is distressing me most right now is the solicitor's fees.

Petition has been sent by court. Any chance I could ditch this solicitor and get a new one at this stage? 🤔

Here's an update:

I am home and determined to stay safe, but stbx is very angry. I've tried to suggest ways out of the mess and at first he was amenable and talked about moving into his new property and coming here to work from 7-3 each day until he has broadband. A dongle won't do apparently.

He has already moved lots of stuff into his new place and has even asked that I help him by taking stuff in my car. I have said yes.
He has then started to alledge in front of my daughter that I assaulted her and tried to coerce me into admitting it.

He is furious about the police and me taking the children.

He has then done a complete u-turn and said that he will see me in court and refuses to leave the property.

I said that's all OK then. Do whatever you wish.
I know this is all a load of rubbish. I also know why I left and why I have put so much support in place around me now.

Of course I understand why he is angry, but these mind games are beyond crazy.

I refuse to be bullied.

I will stay calm.

I know I was advised not to engage with him, but I had to at least try to be kind and fair.

This cannot go on forever.

The non-mol papers come tomorrow. If he does defend the divorce and truly refuses to leave, then I will get this in motion.

Please wish me more luck .
Also, how do I move this thread to relationships without re-starting the whole thing? Have been using my mobile. Do I need to do this on PC?

Get the non-mol in order anyway otherwise he will be in that house working for months yet etc.

He is a dangerous man following through with the orders.