Divorcing a suspected narcissist

[Ithinkitstime]

I have been with my husband for 19 years. Married for 13. I have been trying to end this marriage for some time.

I told him it was over at the end of July/start of August and he went crackers. Lots of angry outbursts, threats and gaslighting ensued. He also self harmed quite badly and I had to involve the mental health crisis team.

All of his messing about and threats mean that my solicitor's fees are already more than I can afford and I have already paid double the original estimate for the entire process. I can no longer finance this without debt.

He has not accepted the URB claims and instead sent a huge response to my solicitor 10 minutes before the deadline saying that I was emotionally abusive and controlling, not him.

He also said that I was emotionally neglectful as he has mental health problems and I've stopped caring for him.

He has done a couple of things in the past that the police have investigated so I have revised my URB claims to include these as he is threatening to defend the divorce and he will be unable to defend those things. My solicitor has said that defending a divorce is rare, but he claims he is intent on doing it and insists that I will be made to pay all of his costs. He is on a lowish salary and the cost of defending will be a minimum of 10 grand, which he can't afford, but he still keeps up with this threat.

He is being all sweetness and light in person at the moment (though I am trying to grey rock as much as possible). Until he isn't being nice anymore. He has also been sending me photos of my daughter and my kittens today. Very strange when we are not speaking and he sent a threatening message earlier in the week.

He has finally found a rental property and applied for it. I assume he has paid a hefty deposit too. In the next few days he will receive the notification from court that the divorce is happening. I expect he will flip his lid at this point as he has been trying to bully me into changing the claims again and I haven't.

Today he is sending veiled threats that he will refuse to leave if I haven't done what we "discussed". Really this wasn't a discussion.

I'm living in a state of constant terror as I worry about antagonising him or being confronted and threatened. Sleep is, unsurprisingly, pretty terrible right now. I need him to leave so badly, and he is dangling that like a carrot in front of me.

The children - DD is 15 and DS is 10 are coping on the surface, but I know that they are suffering too. We all need to move on, but sadly he won't allow it and I know his behaviour will have a long-term impact on them.

I have a job with a heavy workload that I am managing to hold down successfully so far, but I fear for my health and sanity. Luckily, I love my job and it is a refuge for me right now, but every weekend is adrenaline fueled and hellish and leave me feeling sick.

All I long for is peace in my life. I feel that once he's gone this can start to happen.

I have spoken with the doctor twice. Have been in touch with Women's Aid and the NDV helpline and also social services. Have had a MIAM alone and have a certificate stating that this case is not suitable for mediation because of the emotional abuse and game playing.

I have listened to the love lure and loss podcast as recommended on mumsnet and think it is brilliant so thank you for that.

Any thoughts, ideas on what I might do next - other than holding my very frayed nerve would be gratefully received.

Even though I do feel empowered by lots of steps I have taken, I don't feel quite ready to do this yet @RandomMess.

After telling him on Tuesday that he'd take my son swimming today, he messaged him this morning saying "not today baby". It was awful to see him so deflated and trying to manage rejection.

He eventually messaged my son later and asked him if he was going to see him this evening. He came for him at 6 and I let him go. My daughter spoke with him briefly and he asked her why I was taking him to court.

Think I need Friday to happen and then will tackle the child access issues. Have logged everything though and will state how this is hurting them during non mol hearing if there's a place too. Also need to make adjustments on child maintenance as he's having them overnight a lot less than previously stated.

@Mumsmet

I am currently going through this with a narcissist, so this thread has been helpful. Thanks

I'm sad to hear that you're going through this, but really glad if this thread us helping you. Please do share your story if you want to 💐

Thank you xx

How are you holding up, ithinkitstime?

Thanks for asking @Ithinkitstime. I'm pretty exhausted to be honest as I'm anxious about Friday's court hearing and not sleeping well at all.
On Sunday, Nex came over to drop DS off and came into the porch and refused to leave. He forced a conversation trying every tactic on the list. Started with emotional blackmail - "this is hurting the children" and insinuating that my behaviour is causing them harm. 🙄

Lots of, "We're getting this all wrong". Playing victim - how can you do this to me? I can't face it, I'm off work with stress. Next came begging me to stop the hearing - he didn't know why I was taking him to court- asking what he could do to make it stop. I said "you have to stop threatening me" and he said, "it's all I've got left." He actually admitted that's what he's been doing.

He said we have to talk as we have to discuss the house and finances and everything.
I just stood with the door half open throughout this really - I said "it's too late" several times. He tried to guilt trip me some more - "when did you become this person?"

Then he ramped things up and started to make threats again about how he really didn't want to have to do this but he was going to have to expose me publicly now. I went to shut the door and he shouted "I refuse to sell the house to you."

I went inside and he could see me through the window. He shouted "this is my property and I'm not leaving it. No one can make me etc."
He saw that I had my phone in my hand and he shouted "what you gonna do phone the police? Go on then do it and I'll tell them all about you" - opens door shouts "I'll tell them you hit your daughter" - I guess to try and make neighbours hear.

I called the police and he stood by his car waiting for them. They talked him down and got him to leave - this was all very public on our quiet street - they also told him that the court case was most likely a non-mol.

Then they spoke with me. All a mess.
Even though I did fear that this might happen I am still shocked by how low he has sunk and feel such sadness for him. Made me doubt myself again.

Children were obviously pretty disturbed but I have made myself available for them to discuss anything they want to and am proud that they are starting to express their feelings and talk about things.

Wish me luck for Friday - just gotta get through this!

The good thing is I know that this is all hot air and he is justxspouting any old rubbish he can think of. The police said these are his last desperate attempts to have some sort of control over you.

The bad thing is I'm knackered and it was awful. But at least I know what to do now and whovtovturn to for support. Really really need peace and safety from this man.
Have also realised that the word "intimidation" pretty much sun's up the way he's treated Mr for the last 13 years or so. Crap really. I have lots to come to terms with 😔

Well he doesn't set foot in the path leading up to the house from now on!

Do you have an occupation order in it?

Good luck. My ex had a right to live here until the whole thing was completely over and most husbands DO have a legal right to stay in the house and cannot be forced to leave unless there is a court order excluding them so in fact the husband here was right - he has a right to stay living in the house (until a court order orders him not to - not that I am taking his side, no way, but just to point that out).

@RandomMess

Well he doesn't set foot in the path leading up to the house from now on!

Do you have an occupation order in it?

Hey Random. Occupancy Order is part of what I've asked for. Will have to see how I fair on Friday 🤞

@Xenia

Good luck. My ex had a right to live here until the whole thing was completely over and most husbands DO have a legal right to stay in the house and cannot be forced to leave unless there is a court order excluding them so in fact the husband here was right - he has a right to stay living in the house (until a court order orders him not to - not that I am taking his side, no way, but just to point that out).

Sure but not a sensible way to behave when waiting for non-mol hearing. Police said to him. You are not about to move back in now go home. He did eventually

Ok, I was where you are at Xmas.

Sadly - and it’s very exhausting for you - it is the only way forward. You have to outsource as much of this as you can to formal services, which you are - police, court process, solicitor etc.

You are doing everything right. Don’t engage with him, no more doorstep discussions. No contact except practical arrangements for thr kids.

You are doing everything you can do. It’s just one foot in front of the other. Try to recover from this episode. Get through Friday, do some self care if you can.

You’re doing great. Really. You must feel like you’re on the floor but honestly, every move you are making is right. Just keep moving forwards. He won’t break you, you’re too strong.

Really appreciate your message @MakingProgress2022

I'm holding my nerve. How are you know?

Good luck with the hearing.

Have you thought about getting a doorbell camera or similar? Have a look at what ring and arlo offer. They’re very easy to set up, and if you got one that went in the eaves he’d probably not even notice it, but it will record all his outbursts and abuse.

I just wanted to add my best wishes for Friday (and beyond) too.

Thank you for your good luck wishes. Security camera sounds like a good idea too. Police told me to film him when he collects abd drops off kids. Would be a bit obvious standing there with my phone abd also would provoke him I think.

Good luck for Friday. I have non mol and occupation order. It is completely exhausting and takes over your life, but you will get there! We have absolutely no communication unless it is about the children. It is all done by text and I take all the emotion out of it. Anything I say is factual and I've learned to pick my battles! He is not allowed onto property, so children can get dropped off outside the house. He doesn't need to come to the front door. This way also minimises confrontation.
My ex also blames me and tells everyone on social media that he is the victim and that I am the narcissist (oh the irony). You have to learn to ignore it and brace yourself for the utter lies they spout.
Keep going! You are doing great. Life gets better, I promise!

Good luck for tomorrow ithinkitstime.

I am doing okay thanks. One foot after the other.

Do let us know how it went.

Hope it went well today

The outcome of the hearing is that there is an interim occupation order on the NEX for 1 year. This means that he cannot put even one foot on the driveway of my home.

He has also promised to an undertaking stating that he will only contact me with regards to child access and welfare via the email address I have set up expressly for this purpose. He is not allowed to harass, threaten or intimidate me. If he breaches this order then he will be in contempt of court and can be fined or imprisoned for up to 2 years.

Was tough and he tried to bad mouth me a lot but the judge was very good.

Also scared me when he said that he has an enormous amount of documentation against what I was alleging. - what? How? Just scare tactics?

On the whole feeling relieved and hopeful that this will work x

It will be scare tactics and forged messages where he's edited his responses etc.

Keep everything he has ever sent you as proof.

Glad the judge could see through him, that's a big win!

Well done, you must be exhausted. Give yourself time to absorb and reflect. The court hearing itself is traumatizing, on top of all the other trauma. Be kind to yourself, you've got an amazing future ahead.

Well done. I agree with Random, keep copies of everything you can and even print outs of it in case he starts changing and deleting things already emailed or texted to change the past as it were.

Well done for me too - and yes, as per pp, you must be exhausted.

It’s a funny mix of emotions afterwards - I never felt elated, just a bit relieved but also couldn’t quite believe it. And the tiredness.

Lots of self care if you can and trauma recovery. And give yourself time. A month from now you’ll be in a different place completely (better!).

Thank you all. It's been a funny day with a huge mix of emotions. Felt relieved and now feel sceptical in case he doesn't follow it or is looking for a way to get back at me. I imagine he could be raging right now.

Also wondering how odd it will be when it is child hard over time - if he ever agrees to that...

One hurdle at a time eh? Really hoping for some stress free weeks ahead 🤞🤞