Divorcing a suspected narcissist

[Ithinkitstime]

I have been with my husband for 19 years. Married for 13. I have been trying to end this marriage for some time.

I told him it was over at the end of July/start of August and he went crackers. Lots of angry outbursts, threats and gaslighting ensued. He also self harmed quite badly and I had to involve the mental health crisis team.

All of his messing about and threats mean that my solicitor's fees are already more than I can afford and I have already paid double the original estimate for the entire process. I can no longer finance this without debt.

He has not accepted the URB claims and instead sent a huge response to my solicitor 10 minutes before the deadline saying that I was emotionally abusive and controlling, not him.

He also said that I was emotionally neglectful as he has mental health problems and I've stopped caring for him.

He has done a couple of things in the past that the police have investigated so I have revised my URB claims to include these as he is threatening to defend the divorce and he will be unable to defend those things. My solicitor has said that defending a divorce is rare, but he claims he is intent on doing it and insists that I will be made to pay all of his costs. He is on a lowish salary and the cost of defending will be a minimum of 10 grand, which he can't afford, but he still keeps up with this threat.

He is being all sweetness and light in person at the moment (though I am trying to grey rock as much as possible). Until he isn't being nice anymore. He has also been sending me photos of my daughter and my kittens today. Very strange when we are not speaking and he sent a threatening message earlier in the week.

He has finally found a rental property and applied for it. I assume he has paid a hefty deposit too. In the next few days he will receive the notification from court that the divorce is happening. I expect he will flip his lid at this point as he has been trying to bully me into changing the claims again and I haven't.

Today he is sending veiled threats that he will refuse to leave if I haven't done what we "discussed". Really this wasn't a discussion.

I'm living in a state of constant terror as I worry about antagonising him or being confronted and threatened. Sleep is, unsurprisingly, pretty terrible right now. I need him to leave so badly, and he is dangling that like a carrot in front of me.

The children - DD is 15 and DS is 10 are coping on the surface, but I know that they are suffering too. We all need to move on, but sadly he won't allow it and I know his behaviour will have a long-term impact on them.

I have a job with a heavy workload that I am managing to hold down successfully so far, but I fear for my health and sanity. Luckily, I love my job and it is a refuge for me right now, but every weekend is adrenaline fueled and hellish and leave me feeling sick.

All I long for is peace in my life. I feel that once he's gone this can start to happen.

I have spoken with the doctor twice. Have been in touch with Women's Aid and the NDV helpline and also social services. Have had a MIAM alone and have a certificate stating that this case is not suitable for mediation because of the emotional abuse and game playing.

I have listened to the love lure and loss podcast as recommended on mumsnet and think it is brilliant so thank you for that.

Any thoughts, ideas on what I might do next - other than holding my very frayed nerve would be gratefully received.

Yes @RandomMess you are completely right. I have come to this conclusion too.

I have been awake since just before 4 with my blood simply flooded with adrenaline. I feel terrified and stressed. The psychological damage to my children is horrific. Maybe I should have stayed with my parents despite the hours of driving.

I will contact social worker, Women's Aid and get the non mol started today.

Also get an occupation order on the property

Will do. Thank for the flowers 😊

Well he's gone... 😁

He left on Saturday. I did it by humouring and appeasing him and outwardly agreeing with all of his great wisdom whilst inwardly gritting my teeth. Including him telling me that my behaviour was of great concern "chaotic and disturbing" really quite a worry in terms of my ability to parent - pure mirroring. I also didn't agree with that bit, just let him say it and moved the conversation on.

I also had to do tonnes of fetching, carrying and packing for him, but it was worth it.

This all happened in the nick of time as non-mol and occupancy were ready to be filed.

He won't be contesting the divorce now either. I had confirmation today. Decree nisi is on the horizon. Feels odd and a little sad despite everything. But onwards and upwards. I feel safe in my home and as though I can finally relax.

In other news I tested positive to covid today which is hardly a surprise.

My problem now is that my 15yo daughter is very angry and confused and believes all of his brainwashing. I am gently trying to unpick things with her and explain without slagging him off. Hard and also scary what she's been led to believe. Will post separately about this in relationships to see what advice comes up. Maybe Women's Aid will be able to support me with this.

Thank you all.

Very glad that he is gone. Hope you have a relaxing quiet Christmas.

Well that's progress.

I would put a Yale lock on your door and still keep all valuables and documents in there.

I would still get an occupation order for the house as your DD would let him back in.

Can you book a family therapist for you and DD?

Don't think she's ready for it yet, but that sounds like a very good idea

Just get the non mol papers in motion.

Don't try to use them as a bargaining chip. This would look very much as if you were 'playing the DV card' to force the poor diddums from his home. Don't give him ammunition to use against you.

You are in actual danger from this man and you need to take the danger seriously, and also show relevant authorities that you fully believe you are in danger.

Sorry to be blunt here, but DO NOT not play games with this man.

Posted too late, but you need and occupation order and new locks.

Your daughter needs therapy.

You need to get this started ASAP.

Family therapy would be a good idea, and she could have individual therapy concurrently or afterwards. The therapy should focus on psychological and emotional abuse, but there may be more, given that narcissists project and he accused you of abusing her.

Do school know how traumatized she is? Is there someone in school she can talk to?

I agree move ahead with then on-mol and occupation order. You need the law to protect you.

This isn't over by a long long long way

Finally put non-mol and occupancy in today. Am hopeful and scared in case it goes wrong.

Needless to say that since leaving he is still trying to control me in anyway that he can and playing silly games about child access and maintenance.

Have applied through CMS today and will definitely be going through legal process to organise access arrangements.

I have lots of support around me now - even got my own case worker at Women's Aid which is fab and feel so well armed with knowledge on legal procedures and rights and NPD.

I'm breathing out slowly, but am not out of the woods yet. Wish me luck!

You are doing all the right things ithinkitstime. It’s about building a wall of safety around you and DCs, one brick at a time.

You’re way ahead of me, and I have been out for 2 years now. I tried to do things ‘amicably’ ie informally in the first two years. Only learned the hard way, this Xmas, that the only way forward was police/legal.

You sound very resilient and capable. I see your concern for your DD: I have the same issue of brainwashing etc. it might help to Google ‘golden child’ and narcissism. My DD was furious at me having to call police on Xmas eve to protect myself and the kids. She starts therapy today but I believe will be in it for the long haul.

The other thing I can offer is that my therapist told me that periods of feeling empowered, in control etc, are often followed by self-doubt and depression as the adrenaline wears off. She said to be prepared and to have self-care measures planned for if it happens. It did for me, so might be useful for you too.

Good luck.

Absolutely the right thing to file the non mol anyway, the more you have formalised the easier it will be. If it comes to it remember public shame is obviously his weakness. So consider options to show him you can escalate too but legally and politely - If he turns up again as well as calling the police perhaps do a group message or Fb post saying you have taken out a non mol against him and to please help you protect yourself and your children by not sharing any info about you.

Thank you @InAState22. I am taking all of your advice on board. That lovely word "empowered" makes me feel a little stronger. After putting in the non mol and occupancy I now feel worry for of this all back fires on me. If this is done on notice instead òf without notice as I have requested, his wrath will be insane and he will make a very cruel and completely false set of allegations against me publicly.

Wonder if anyone else has experience with success or otherwise with these orders.

What are your next steps instate22? I have so many links to support, advice and information right now that I'd be happy to share. Maybe you could look up Caroline Strawson. She has a free bootcamp starting online on Sunday night. Her work is on healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. She also has a private Facebook group and podcasts you could try.

Stay in touch.

I’m glad it was helpful ithinktistime.

My next step is simply to await EXH response to legal letter this week, informing him that any further attempted harassment of his son will be reported as such, and the same for me. police spoke to him earlier this week.

You’re ahead of me in that you’ve got the legal bricks already in place. So your firewall between you and him is already being built. You are safe now.

I also had not realised how deep and how damaging eXH coercive control of my DD (also 15) is. She is in her first counselLing session right now, so we’ll see how that goes. Would really recommend finding a therapist who is familiar and experienced with coercive control and narcissistic abuse.

Thankyou for the Caroline strawson link, will look that up. my therapist also said not to waster emotional energy worrying about EXH and his parenting too much, but to ‘stay in my lane’ and focus on being the best parent I can be. Maybe that will help you too.

Staying in Lane sounds like a great idea and is what I'm focusing on.

Both of my children are now on a waiting list for counselling through women's aid so I'm hopeful. Am also spending a lot of quality time with DD and allowing her to talk and answering her questions.

What you said about the empowering stuff followed by lots of self-doubt is definitely a cycle I'm going through right now. This is paralysing at times and takes over my thoughts too if I let it.

Hope your ex doesn't respond too hideously to the legal letter 🤞

How are you now?

Thanks for the question @JadeGreen19. I'm obsessing over whether this will work and panicking about it all. Spent hours looking over my witness statement and wondering if it's good enough. Am scared of face to face hearings and expecting I'll have to do them. We shall see I guess...

It must be really scary. You are doing well by the sound of it. Keep going.

I've just received notification that my non-mol application will have to be on notice. Does anyone have any experience of this please?

I feel really frightened of the next steps. If he is allowed to argue his case, he may come across as really rather convincing. I am afraid of the judge thinking that I am playing the DV card or overreacting.

May not be worth pursuing this now :(

Ithinkitstime I have no knowledge of non-mol orders (yet). But I recognise thr fear that he will come across as very convincing.

You need to place your faith in the incidents which are on record, and the police involvement to date. Your case sounds clearer cut than mine. Bumping this for you in case someone with more knowledge than me can help.

Also would it be worth a call to a solicitor, just to reassure you on the ‘on notice’ part?

My non molestation and occupation order was also on notice. I managed to get the non mol at the first hearing, (I've heard they are not too hard to get), but initially it was an undertaking, rather than with a power of arrest. Second full day hearing which was months later my husband conceded on the day of the hearing before we were cross examined giving evidence etc.. and I got the occupation order.
Are you both represented?

I'm not represented. Representing myself. For now I'm thinking that I might just not poke the pig anymore at this stage. I'm thinking carefully

In an attempt to stop him from being quite so incredibly difficult and non-committal about when he wants to see the children and to protect them from the uncertainty etc, I have set up an email address now just for him and also a family calendar app. Set this up with the children too and spent days preparing this.

This was all done with WA and solicitors advising that I should. I then told him how child access was going to work with him having dd for one night a week - she's 15 and this is what she wants and ds having 2 nights for 2 weeks and then 1 night for the 3rd week. This is all based around his work shifts.

I knew he'd react badly,I received a volley of threats. 4 emails saying that I have been keeping the children from him, he would be moving back in to protect his children from their dangerous and violent mother. That he would see me in court etc. Now refuses to allow me to pay him his half of the equity from the house. He's the only consistent parent the poor darlings have ever had and how dare I close the joint account. He also said that I now owe him money as the joint account included AA membership which he'd topped up on a subscription basis. Not true. I paid the top up in June and we are still covered until next June.

So I spoke to my WA caseworker, reported to the police, added his threats to my non-mol application and asked judge to consider interim order before hearing. Will tell SW and Dr tomorrow as it is impacting my health having all these threats thrown at me for no particular reason. Have also now stopped paying his credit card bill - he's going to really rage when he finds out.

DD insisted I tell her everything and is fuming with him. This is really tough for her to navigate 😔

Big hugs and yes you need to be honest with DD you don't run him down but it's best to be factual.

She probably already has the measure of him deep down already.