Divorcing a suspected narcissist

[Ithinkitstime]

I have been with my husband for 19 years. Married for 13. I have been trying to end this marriage for some time.

I told him it was over at the end of July/start of August and he went crackers. Lots of angry outbursts, threats and gaslighting ensued. He also self harmed quite badly and I had to involve the mental health crisis team.

All of his messing about and threats mean that my solicitor's fees are already more than I can afford and I have already paid double the original estimate for the entire process. I can no longer finance this without debt.

He has not accepted the URB claims and instead sent a huge response to my solicitor 10 minutes before the deadline saying that I was emotionally abusive and controlling, not him.

He also said that I was emotionally neglectful as he has mental health problems and I've stopped caring for him.

He has done a couple of things in the past that the police have investigated so I have revised my URB claims to include these as he is threatening to defend the divorce and he will be unable to defend those things. My solicitor has said that defending a divorce is rare, but he claims he is intent on doing it and insists that I will be made to pay all of his costs. He is on a lowish salary and the cost of defending will be a minimum of 10 grand, which he can't afford, but he still keeps up with this threat.

He is being all sweetness and light in person at the moment (though I am trying to grey rock as much as possible). Until he isn't being nice anymore. He has also been sending me photos of my daughter and my kittens today. Very strange when we are not speaking and he sent a threatening message earlier in the week.

He has finally found a rental property and applied for it. I assume he has paid a hefty deposit too. In the next few days he will receive the notification from court that the divorce is happening. I expect he will flip his lid at this point as he has been trying to bully me into changing the claims again and I haven't.

Today he is sending veiled threats that he will refuse to leave if I haven't done what we "discussed". Really this wasn't a discussion.

I'm living in a state of constant terror as I worry about antagonising him or being confronted and threatened. Sleep is, unsurprisingly, pretty terrible right now. I need him to leave so badly, and he is dangling that like a carrot in front of me.

The children - DD is 15 and DS is 10 are coping on the surface, but I know that they are suffering too. We all need to move on, but sadly he won't allow it and I know his behaviour will have a long-term impact on them.

I have a job with a heavy workload that I am managing to hold down successfully so far, but I fear for my health and sanity. Luckily, I love my job and it is a refuge for me right now, but every weekend is adrenaline fueled and hellish and leave me feeling sick.

All I long for is peace in my life. I feel that once he's gone this can start to happen.

I have spoken with the doctor twice. Have been in touch with Women's Aid and the NDV helpline and also social services. Have had a MIAM alone and have a certificate stating that this case is not suitable for mediation because of the emotional abuse and game playing.

I have listened to the love lure and loss podcast as recommended on mumsnet and think it is brilliant so thank you for that.

Any thoughts, ideas on what I might do next - other than holding my very frayed nerve would be gratefully received.

Thank you @RandomMess. I do stick to the facts and let her make her mind up. Just so hard as this is obviously not what you envisaged for them, but I guess they can't be protected from everything.

It’s awful and sadly very typical behaviour of a narc.

You have done, and are doing, all the right things. Factual is best, as RandomMess says.

Has he actually been served with the orders?

Not yet. Waiting for a court date at the moment. Shouldn't be too long though. It's keeping me awake at night to be honest as you might expect

Have you made an ex parte application? I don’t understand why it’s taking this long, I made an ex parte application for a NMO the last week in one month and the 3rd of the next it had been heard and served the same week.

I assumed from the thread that you had obtained it and it had been served upon him.
As you haven’t obtained either of these injections yet - but I hope you do - he has technically not broken any law at all. In that case your managed almost the impossible in getting him out of the house!

Yes I understand all too well the anxiety and sleepless nights it all causes. You’re doing really well just one day at a time

Injunctions not injections !

Thank you so much @DebbieHarrysCheekbones
I kept putting off non-mol thinking and hoping things would be better now he's left and then just being too scared to do it, but last week's gaslighting by text and volley of threatening emails decided it for me. So I await a dare and in the meantime don't sleep so well...

I meant date not dare of course 🙄

Not allowed ex parte so it's on notice and I was told 7 day turnaround. We shall see.

NEX kicking off today again. Making a fuss about the divorce not being to his liking and has been messaging my solicitor. He also hasn't ticked a box on the form about court costs and the divorce can't proceed to nisi until he does this.

He has sent me an obstructive email about seeing the children at the weekend so yet again we have no idea if they are going there tomorrow night or not.

I have received paperwork from the court about my non-mol hearing which will be next Friday afternoon by cloud video platform. Had to send a risk assessment to the court today along with a photo of NEX so that Balifs can serve him if I am successful. Feels crazy and scary.

He has messaged me asking me to call him. Of course I won't be doing that, but am left feeling stressed and anxious about that and whether or not he might just show up on my doorstep. I fear this most nights.

Really do just need all of this to stop for my own sanity and for the children too who are feeling so disappointed and worn down by it all x

You poor thing. I completely recognise this abuse,and understand how you are feeling.

Remember this is his aim - to make you feel as you do now, crazy and scared.

The only way forward is through the formal process. You cannot talk sense into him. Focus on one minute, one hour at a time. Care for the kids, do what you can to care for yourself. Call 101 to log a potential threat of him turning up on your doorstep - it gets you on thr priority list for police response if he does show up.

Don’t call him.

Honestly, you will take back control of this, but you have to go through the formal process first. That is the only way.

Hang in there x

Let the solicitor deal with the divorce. That is why you are paying them.

And take a decision on the kids. Since EX is controlling you by giving you uncertainty - would it be better to take control, and tell them that they aren’t going? Tell exh that since he has not given an assurance, and since uncertainty is bad for them emotionally, they aren’t coming?

To think about, anyway.

Yep formal process all the way.I would block him on your phone and use email only. Which you only check the day of contact, until then assume they are going.

Do you have court ordered contact? If not you I need to have that ok so he can fail to turn up but meh the DC will see through him eventually.

Final thought sorry. You are doing great just by surviving this. Narcissistic abuse is truly horrific. The fact that you’re still standing, still fighting shows how strong you are.

One day it will all be over. Honestly.

Thank you all. Not much sleep last night but I can do this. Haven't gone for child access order yet as hoping he'd follow through on his threats and pay for this one. But you're right Random - looks like I need to take control here too. Will get back on the rights of women site later.
Will tell solicitor to press ahead anyway as he is just wasting my time and money - see if she can put that to the courts.

No court order.

Well you can stop contact die to "his ongoing threats and harassment and regularly cancelling and changing contact at short notice and using communication around that to abuse you"

This would then force him to take you to court as mediation would get signed off as unsuitable due to his abuse.

Thanks Random. I think that's what solicitor was advising to be honest. But I'm going to look into this and take control.

Nex has now just sent me the following message via WhatsApp:
"Oh, (my name) You didn't have to take me to court. I have no interest, desire or intention to move back in. I was just frustrated by not seeing the children and having no forum to discuss it.
Save your money, it can be used for better things, surely."

But I did give him a clear forum. The email I set up specifically for that and the cozi family calendar app which he's refused to sign in to.

He also hasn't shown up to collect the children this eve or contacted them or me about this other than his obstructive comment the other day and they are sad and confused never mind him.
😫

This morning I instructed the solicitor to ask the judge to push on with decree nisi regardless because there is a history of domestic abuse and controlling behaviour and he is just wasting my time amd money. I'm getting much more ballsy now I have so much support around me.

@InAState22

Final thought sorry. You are doing great just by surviving this. Narcissistic abuse is truly horrific. The fact that you’re still standing, still fighting shows how strong you are.

One day it will all be over. Honestly.

Truly appreciate these kind words ❤

Good luck with it all. My ex refused to move out until decree absolute, agreement on finances and court sealed financial consent order and house transfer into my name and money into his account - a very difficult 7 months that all took but was worth it in the end.

I hope the 15 year old is doing okay. My teenagers asked me to divorce their father who was awful at home so that made it easier here for me.

Block him on What's App the email is the only access he can use.

Just tell him there will be no further communication around contact until he seeks a court order due to him failing to collect the DC again today.

He will bad mouth you but you know the truth. Be age appropriate honest with the DC.

Read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" it will help you see it's ok to ask what they think, ok to not cover up for him.

They need to see what is happening and draw their own conclusions.

You can't take control with contact because you can't make him turn up. You can only draw your line in the sand and say no more communicating over it he needs a court order due to his unreliable behaviour toward contact and him using communication for it to continue his abuse and control.

Even when you have a CO he will fail to turn up. But you don't need to communicate you make the DC available and you empathise when he lets them down.

That last paragraph of what you said @RandomMess is what I am doing.

Will email again making things clear again. Thanks for the book recommendation

@GrandmasCat

The one thing I found out about dealing with narcissists is that you either bore them to leave you or they will try to destroy you to win the “competition”.

Stop raising up to his behaviour, start grey rocking him, start doing radio silence, cut off all communication with him and even friends and family who could be “updating” him about how things affect you, he will be furious if you are happy or enjoying it if you are not but either way, any news that reach him will set him to no good.

If he gets bored he will leave you alone, if you do anything that touches his competitive side, he will keep going.

Oh my, I need to heed this advice.

This is what I meant about getting a court order. Don't be proactive just tell him no more contact until he gets one and block him on everything everywhere.

I am currently going through this with a narcissist, so this thread has been helpful. Thanks