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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Will I regret this?

118 replies

mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 09:45

My husband is due to move out in a few months and the reality of it all is starting to hit me. Today I keep thinking how long ago Friday evening felt and how long that would feel without seeing the children. I'm married to a kind and thoughtful man who loves me and is the best dad but we lack spark, attraction, affection etc, and I'm not sure I can live a marriage like that, or have much hope of being able to rekindle it (it's always been lacking so rekindle may be the wrong word). Is that enough to miss the children every other weekend and put them through this? Will I end up regretting it? Or will the panic make me stay as we are and I'll regret that too one day? Will I always feel guilty for putting him and the kids through this? Anyone have similar experiences they can share? Thanks for listening

OP posts:
cherrybakewellll · 20/09/2020 09:49

I think we need more info OP.
Is it his decision to leave or yours?
How old are the kids?
Did you try counciling etc?

I split with me ExH when my DSs were 1 and 2 due to him having an affair. The time without the kids felt like the longest but you do get used to it. You find other things to do - admittedly mine was a bit extreme, I bought a horse Grin but I also started working in a pub on a Friday night, which meant working late and so by the time I got up late on a Saturday and got the chores done, it didn't seem that long before the kids were back on the Sunday.

Obviously that's if you go through with the split. Don't let the fact you will miss your kids skew your view of your marriage.

cherrybakewellll · 20/09/2020 09:52

To add, it's not 6 years along the line, I am remarried (ironically to the man who owned the pub that I worked in on a Friday night haha) and had a DD with him end of last year.

The passion and feelings I have for DH are anything beyond what I ever thought was possible. It makes me realise my first marriage was a joke and I never really fancied exH.

So what I'm saying is, if you do split, don't presume you'll be on the shelf for eternity, great things can come in time.

How does your DH feel about everything? Is there a reason you are waiting months rather than ripping off the bandaid so to speak?

Emmie12345 · 20/09/2020 09:54

Ooh hard op

I still miss my old life 4 years on despite finding love

Life is much simpler with the parent of your children tbh

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 10:22

Thank you for your replies. Its a few months as thats when the house he is moving to is available. It's my decision, I wish it was more mutual. He's quite happy as things are (well were before all this separation talk), but he doesn't need the affection/chemistry etc as much as I do. He's happy just being a family. That meets all his needs. The kids are 10 and 12.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 10:25

Emmie - yes I think my life now will always be simpler and I sense I'll miss that, but on the flip side also find it boring/lacking, I think because we're more parents than lovers

OP posts:
Torres10 · 20/09/2020 10:38

I think making the decision that the relationship is not enough for you and being brave enough to have the conversation takes so much guts and to even arrive there you will have done much soul searching .
No decision is black and white, don't stay because you are scared or for the children, continue to be brave, and who knows what the future holds. You know what the future looks like in situ, you didn't like it, thats reason enough to change.

cherrybakewellll · 20/09/2020 10:46

I agree with @Torres10 don't just stay because it's convenient as parents.

Life evolves and moves on, you'll be fine x

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 11:03

Yes months and months of soul searching and tears. It's just all too much. I wish it was black and white. Just so scared of regret

OP posts:
cherrybakewellll · 20/09/2020 11:04

Is there any way you can do a trial seperation? I appreciate it's harder in these times

Torres10 · 20/09/2020 11:27

I understand the fear, its natural I think, but if he is a good guy and you have kids together, he will always be in your life anyway , so what exactly are you scared of losing?

Look at it this way, change your mind, he moves back in, would you be truly content...no, and you know this, or you would not have trodden this path

Trial separation is an option, but to be fair that's just hedgeing your bets and giving him false hope.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 11:38

We did consider a trial separation but decided it would put too much uncertainty on the kids. I'm not sure what could change in the trial either. Yes I'd miss him for the part of our lives he is, but if we returned to normal so might the issues. I always assumed people who separated were so sure of their decision, which makes me doubt myself

OP posts:
Emmie12345 · 20/09/2020 12:08

Op I think I would not rush into anything

I’m not sure I would leave tbh if I had my time again as now

madcatladyforever · 20/09/2020 12:22

I wouldn't have divorced either of my husbands had they not been abusive. I could have happily lived with a nice kind person with no spark or affection.
Especially when the menopause came round and I didn't want the spark and affection anyway which for me was at 45.
I think it's highly unlikely I'll find even a companion for my twilight years and even if I did we have no shared memories, he'll never love my son unconditionally like a father would, I just can't see it working.
What is it that you think you will find out there? Your husband will move on soon enough as there are thousands of lonely women out there looking for a man who is just nice.
Who will take on your kids and treat them as their own rather than just as irritants and passion killers getting in the way.
Who will say that you'll even find anyone who measures up to what you want and what will you do if your kids don't like them.
It's bloody hard being a single mum I've done it.
I'd settle for a husband like yours any day but nobody decent is looking for a 58 year old.
I've learnt over the years that grass is never greener, if you find a good man hang onto him. Your children will be affected, make no doubt about that. Moving from house to house, getting used to a new man who probably isn't into them, less household money, not being part of a real family any more.
What for? An exciting shag with someone who will probably just use you and leave because the men who prey on single women are shitty all told and they know all the tricks to get to you.
This is just my opinion. Your children won't thank you for this.

Torres10 · 20/09/2020 13:17

The grass is never greener, it is however different grass.
Many people are prepared to settle for a good man, many are not..it is an individual choice.

I guess maybe look down the line, the kids have left home, would you be able to enjoy your time left on this earth as companions , and accept you will not be intimate with anyone again. Personally that would kill me but some are happy to settle for that.

Sadandconfused01 · 20/09/2020 13:18

It’s a tough decision. I formally separated this week before that it was just a trial, and I regretted it straight away. Only time will tell.

Emmie12345 · 20/09/2020 14:28

There are regrets I think whichever path you choose. I will always feel sad I am not with the father of my children and friend and companion for over 20 years

On the other hand I have love and passion in my life now , which I always wanted

Hard call really

Sadandconfused01 · 20/09/2020 16:29

It’s a hard decision. Think very carefully. I guess you will never know if it’s right. I spent years deciding, just left DH of 30 years and feel so sad which I wasn’t expecting. Even though the passion had gone I miss my best friend and companion. And having the dc dad in the house

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 17:42

Thank you, this is really helpful to think on.

Emmie - was it your decision to leave?

Mad cat lady - I know I'm very lucky to have a husband who isn't abusive. I also take on everything you've said. I guess I'm looking for someone who will make me feel like more than just a mum and a domestic partner. My parents are divorced and both happy. I don't have ill feeling to them for it, it was just part of my childhood. However affecting the kids is the biggest consideration. I certainly don't consider them irritants or passion killers, they're everything to me.

Torres - you're right, it's the later years that scare me. When there are no kids to focus our lives on, will I then be regretful that I settled for a life with less passion that I see in other peoples relationships, and then be too old to start again

OP posts:
anotherhumanfemale · 20/09/2020 17:47

That a man isn't abusive is a shockingly low (and offensive, if we believe most men are normal humans) bar over which to measure a happy marriage.

anotherhumanfemale · 20/09/2020 17:58

Sorry that's not meant to be harsh - I think it comes across that way!

Smallereveryday · 20/09/2020 18:24

It sounds like you are looking for passion above security. Which I do understand. However the reality of finding someone is hard and then they have also to be great with your kids.. who are young.. and no matter how great , he will never love them as much as their father does..

From the kids point of view you are moving their father out so you can have a more romantic relationship and in time have to adapt to living in a house with someone new. (If everything goes to plan). That is not something any child prefers..

Personally, I would wait a few years until the kids are older. Blending families is very very tough on everyone. I say this as someone who is happily remarried. Who left my first marriage because we had become like brother and sister .. again a lovely man and a great father. Given my time again I would not of done it until the kids were much much older.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 18:37

Smallereveryday - thank you for your response. I think I'm looking for passion AND security. So many other couples seem to have both, but maybe I'm being unrealistic to expect to find that, and it to all run smoothly as there would be at least my children involved, and possibly someone elses if I met someone with children down the line

OP posts:
Torres10 · 20/09/2020 18:38

Is there ever a right time though, I am not sure there is. I think it depends on how maturely it is managed.
Also I am not sure the OP is just planning to shift and replace necessarily is she? I don't think you should be expecting to move a new hot lover in next week (like they grow on trees anyway!)

I think you should initially live alone for a number of years, maybe just date..to be honest not sure I would want to live with a man again full time, pt would work for me, at the very least until the kids are comfortable..and as PP said the idea of blending families, wouldn't be top of my wish list either..but none of these things are reasons for staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy, you have to take one obstacle at a time.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 18:57

Oh god no I wouldn't want to live with another man for a long time. I think it takes away the effort required in a relationship. I don't think I'd consider living with anyone until my children were much much older. Although hard to tell how life will work out. My marriage doesn't make me 100% happy, but seeing my husband and kids unhappy wouldn't make me happy either. I feel like I'm being selfish, but by not being selfish I feel like I'm not living life to the fullest. I'd love to wake up tomorrow and find a mutual attraction and passion. I know you can work at most things, but passion and attraction are probably the hardest to get back I think. I was always attracted to him, I just didn't get it back. Always making excuses, never affectionate, never any compliments. It wears you down after a while, and now I don't feel the same

OP posts:
TheWho67 · 20/09/2020 19:19

You've got this far and it's understandable you have cold feet given that he is a good man, you just don't have any spark. I separated from my STBEXH as he was fairly useless and I lost respect and love for him, as well as not having the spark. I cared about him but that wasn't enough.
I'm three years down the line and have a new DP. My DS is now well adjusted to the situation and I'm glad it all happened while he was young.
My overriding feeling was that I didn't want to be with my ex, not that I wanted someone new, if that makes sense.

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