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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

1 2 3 4 5

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Will I regret this?

118 replies

mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 09:45

My husband is due to move out in a few months and the reality of it all is starting to hit me. Today I keep thinking how long ago Friday evening felt and how long that would feel without seeing the children. I'm married to a kind and thoughtful man who loves me and is the best dad but we lack spark, attraction, affection etc, and I'm not sure I can live a marriage like that, or have much hope of being able to rekindle it (it's always been lacking so rekindle may be the wrong word). Is that enough to miss the children every other weekend and put them through this? Will I end up regretting it? Or will the panic make me stay as we are and I'll regret that too one day? Will I always feel guilty for putting him and the kids through this? Anyone have similar experiences they can share? Thanks for listening

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Chatnel36 · 25/10/2023 07:03

Not sure if you will get this but was wondering how you are going? I am in a similar situation and it's been 3 years now and still too chicken.

OctoberCarrot · 23/02/2021 12:52

@BoRiver Yes sounds like a very similar situation. I won't leave this house. I paid the deposit and the children are in school. He can move into his parents or into his apartment.

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week so I am hoping I get more clarity about next steps.

BoRiver · 23/02/2021 11:48

@OctoberCarrot this is very similar to me. When I actually told him I was moving out and gave a date he said he didn’t believe me before. I think I kept bringing it up hoping things would change but they never did. Even now when I have been living in a rental for 7 months he asks me about renovating the marital home!

OctoberCarrot · 23/02/2021 11:03

Thank you for the response. TBH it could be very easy. He has an apartment very close that he could move into but keeps saying this is his house. I could afford mortgage here on my own.

I suppose the issue is that it is a bit like the wolf. He does not believe I am serious this time as I have brought it up alot. I need to grow some and just bring it up now.

His head is definitely in the sand though as he is talking about expensive house renovations etc. Like why would we do that?

BoRiver · 23/02/2021 10:21

@OctoberCarrot sending hugs. Everyone is different but I found actually bringing the conversation up, and then actually being heard were the hardest parts. Are you able to talk to him? I kept inching forward with things then stalling for months on end until I plucked up the courage to do the next thing. I know I am lucky in that I’m the one on the bigger wage so could afford to move out. If it was down to him I guarantee he would not have left.

OctoberCarrot · 23/02/2021 09:48

This is a very timely thread. My H and I have never been a good match, we have done 3 big blocks of counselling. It is awful. We fight about everything in front of our kids - we can't even agree what time of day it is. I can't go on anymore. It is bad for me, for my kids to see fighting - they are 8 and 9 and for me mentally and emotionally. We don't share a room, a meal or even sit in the room to watch tv. He doesn't want a marriage he wants to be in this house for his kids. I don't want that. I am finding it hard to press the button but I have to. My life is on hold. I don't imagine I will head off into the sunset with a lothario but I am hoping to have a peaceful happy home for my kids and an opportunity to live a happy life.

BoRiver · 22/02/2021 21:56

@SweetcornFritter I hear you! Whilst my husband hasn’t had an affair I feel like everything has added up to me deciding I am worth more and feeling differently about him. From what I have read it’s very hard to go back from that point.

SweetcornFritter · 21/02/2021 22:48

I’m glad to have found this thread as this is my situation too. Married for nearly 23 years, separated for nearly 3 of them but still living together. Husband had had an emotional affair and had been very cold and distant for ages which was the catalyst for the separation, but has since then been doing his best to become the perfect husband. All his efforts have been in vain though because something died three years ago and I will never feel the same way about him again and there is no likelihood of us ever being intimate again as I have no interest in him physically, or in sex generally.
I know that he would be happy to muddle along like this indefinitely but I have been pushing to get things on to the next stage. He has been looking at houses and to move out and I have applied to take over the mortgage and deeds of our house, but when presented with the paperwork to sign, despite agreeing that this was what needed to happen, it was clear that reality was only just beginning to sink in and that it was breaking his heart - it has made me feel so selfish and awful I just don’t know what to do now. He has signed the documents but I feel I can’t send them off. I don’t want him to be miserable and living all on his own, it would be too cruel. We have two kids, one at uni and one about to start uni in September. I too wish I could flick a switch and feel differently about him but I know that is never going to happen. If only he felt like I did and realised it was time for us to both move on it wouldn’t be so difficult.
It’s reassuring to know there are other people going through similar but there are obviously no easy answers.

Millshake01 · 21/02/2021 00:39

[quote mummyof2lou]@Millshake01 I feel the same about giving into his pressure to stay. He was due to move out and asked for one last chance. I agreed because I was so overwhelmed by all the emotions, but the minute I did I knew it was the wrong decision. I've been in tears most days since. He's moving out now, byt dragging it out. It's the worst atmosphere[/quote]
It's just awful isn't it. My husband took a week to pack. But now he's back.. so he guess at some point we will be going through this again.. don't cave in to pressure like i did.. worst mistake ever.. good luck xx

Millshake01 · 21/02/2021 00:36

[quote BoRiver]@Millshake01 Do you think you’ll stay like this now?[/quote]
No I can't imagine he will last too long with my unhappiness. But he's doing his utmost best to stay.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 23:07

@Millshake01 I feel the same about giving into his pressure to stay. He was due to move out and asked for one last chance. I agreed because I was so overwhelmed by all the emotions, but the minute I did I knew it was the wrong decision. I've been in tears most days since. He's moving out now, byt dragging it out. It's the worst atmosphere

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BoRiver · 20/02/2021 23:03

@Millshake01 Do you think you’ll stay like this now?

Millshake01 · 20/02/2021 22:42

[quote mummyof2lou]@millshake01 Scared of being lonely. It's so lonely despite him living here. How's it been since he's been back? Do you feel relief or regret he's home?[/quote]
Regret I gave in to pressure from the family

BoRiver · 20/02/2021 22:21

@mummyof2lou I did find it a relief to be fair. We were not especially arguing anymore, just like good housemates. But I just felt so lonely and unhappy. It had got much easier since I left. I feel I can breathe again and am generally happier. The next step for me is actually getting him to realise I am not going back- he seems to think this is a phase and I’ll not cope alone. I have moments of regret for the family unit and my children but I have not missed him at all.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 21:59

@BoRiver I think every day we spend like this is the worst. I'm now at the point where I feel like the fresh start will be a sort of relief, despite being scary. I imagine the guilt will set in at some point though, after the dust has settled

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BoRiver · 20/02/2021 21:45

@mummyof2lou this is my story too. I moved out last July. It does get easier, but is still so very hard when you are the one to have made the decision because you are just so unhappy.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 14:31

@scooby2021 so sorry you're going through this too. It's so tough isn't it

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Scooby2021 · 20/02/2021 12:38

New to all of this but totally understand everything you have said. I am finding myself in the same position after 25 years of marriage. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, to hurt my children and my family for the chance of being happy. It is very scary. I feel very selfish and incredibly sad, but see no way forward in our relationship.

mummyof2lou · 17/02/2021 18:11

@millshake01 Scared of being lonely. It's so lonely despite him living here. How's it been since he's been back? Do you feel relief or regret he's home?

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Millshake01 · 17/02/2021 16:32

Why are you scared? Try not to think too far ahead as this can make you anxious. My husband is back after a few months separation. I caved into pressure and also feeling very sad about the whole situation.

mummyof2lou · 17/02/2021 16:04

@Millshake01 it was a gradual thing so over time we have got further apart. He was upset, I think there's still a bit of denial. He deals with life better on a day to day basis than I do though. I'm so petrified of the future

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Millshake01 · 17/02/2021 15:32

@mummyof2lou how did your husband take it? I have the same feelings towards my husband :(

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mummyof2lou · 17/02/2021 12:27

@AnonymousAurouch I just can't see him like that anymore. I don't want him to even touch me. It's very strange

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AnonymousAuroch · 17/02/2021 10:40

Couples sex therapy, I mean, not just for you individually.

AnonymousAuroch · 17/02/2021 10:39

@mummyof2lou since you have to muddle through daily life together for the time being anyway, have you considered a sex therapist? They focus on rebuilding intimacy rather than traditional marriage counseling, which like you said is more towards communication issues, etc.

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