Will I regret this?

[mummyof2lou]

My husband is due to move out in a few months and the reality of it all is starting to hit me. Today I keep thinking how long ago Friday evening felt and how long that would feel without seeing the children. I'm married to a kind and thoughtful man who loves me and is the best dad but we lack spark, attraction, affection etc, and I'm not sure I can live a marriage like that, or have much hope of being able to rekindle it (it's always been lacking so rekindle may be the wrong word). Is that enough to miss the children every other weekend and put them through this? Will I end up regretting it? Or will the panic make me stay as we are and I'll regret that too one day? Will I always feel guilty for putting him and the kids through this? Anyone have similar experiences they can share? Thanks for listening

I think you’re very selfish. I left my husband because he was abusive. I struggle now as lone parent, even with a good salary. If I could rewind the clock, I wouldn’t have my son if I knew this was the life I was giving him. Leaving a good man for lack of passion is absurd. I hope this decision comes back to bite you.

I'd be concerned that you're throwing away family for the dream of something that you may never find.

Family days out, family holidays, day to day dealing with any of your children's day to day upsets as a team.... all over and done with.

DC moving between homes, homework / PE kit in the wrong one in the morning.

Don't kid yourself that your DH will still be your 'best friend' once you've moved in with someone else.

One of the schoolgate mums did this (she'd actually met someone else) and was convinced that all would be well, the DC would be fine and that her then DH would still be her best friend (together since teens).

A decade on, from what I hear she's happy. However her ex DH was heartbroken that the family stuff disappeared overnight and is still single. The DC still not happy (still in the same social circles as my DC). They don't like the new DH's DC, they lost the family home where all their friends are and their father couldn't afford much after paying maintenance.

So 1 person happy, 4 people unhappy.

@SplunkPostGres yes I do feel very selfish and can see why you feel I am too. I can't however, help how I feel. If I stay to do the right thing, I'll always feel unfulfilled, and it would be with the kids in mind I stay. Fast forward 8 - 10 years, with no kids to impact as much, and the outcome of leaving may well be, by then, the same. Does that make it better? Staying knowing it's just a matter of time? I'm not sure I'd want to be my husband in those shoes either. My thoughts are selfish I know, which is why my actions are yet to make the final jump

What have you tried to rekindle (or kindle) things? You don't mention counselling, time away together (appreciate that's hard right now), or anything else.

I think that separating in early middle age due to lack of a romantic spark is risky and only fair to your whole family if you've really made an effort to change the situation.

I'm separated with young DCs, in my 30s, and despite getting plenty of attention, the vast majority of it is from married men looking for affairs or cocklodgers looking for a meal ticket. Decent single guys in their 30s (or even 40s and older) are thin on the ground, and understandably will go first for partners who don't have young children, an ex and limited availability to deal with.

You say you don't mind being single, but if he's a decent guy, there must then be a reason you want to leave and it's worth exploring that. If it's that there's actually a lot of underlying resentment at household things, deal with that. Or if it's that you understandably are done with the physical side, maybe look at options for that. Or if nothing can work, that's fine, but if you do feel some regret later on (and you almost certainly will, even if it is the right decision), you know you tried.

My opinion is controversial. But... If you're looking for a romance filled with love and lust and spark abc attraction that lasts forever you'll be on a life long search. Marriage is made of deeper things than lust and passion. Even if the connection was there initially it fades and turns into something deeper and more nurturing after years of marriage. Breaking up your children's home will be something very significant for them (and both of you) I know it's not a popular or pc thing to say but I do think it's very 'cosmopolitan' to up and leave your marriage in search of this wild romance you so deserve. If you look at people celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary they're not generally ripping each others clothes off or madly in love. It's often good and bad times. Muddling through. I think if a man is a good husband in practical ways and is by your side in the face of problems (sometimes vocally sometimes silently) and a good father that is the basis of a 'good' lasting marriage. My DH is not emotional and the sex has lost its excitement. But I read erotica to get myself in the mood. He watches porn (I do too sometimes) and I rely on my best friend for emotional intimacy. It works. I'm not suggesting you should live your life unhappy but breaking up your marriage and family Is a big deal and may be something you do live to regret. So be very sure about what it is your looking for and if it's long term obtainable. Good luck

@SplunkPostGres the bar shouldn't be "no abuse". You are modelling healthy relationships for your children.

I've said this on previous threads, Denmark has one of the highest divorce rates and is regularly cited as having the happiest population. It is thought that because they are able to recognise when a relationship is no longer working, have a no fault divorce and move on makes them happier and healthier. Rather than staying in festering relationships, building resentment.

[quote MotherForker]@SplunkPostGres the bar shouldn't be "no abuse". You are modelling healthy relationships for your children.

I've said this on previous threads, Denmark has one of the highest divorce rates and is regularly cited as having the happiest population. It is thought that because they are able to recognise when a relationship is no longer working, have a no fault divorce and move on makes them happier and healthier. Rather than staying in festering relationships, building resentment.[/quote]
I also think that part of this, however, is also because Denmark has robust state support that ensures that single parents tend to live comfortably, and expectations that separated fathers take an active role in their children's lives.

My family come from a Scandinavian country, and the single mums I know there are rarely in the position of many I know in the UK, who are often skint, totally lack pension provision, and have unreliable exes who may or may not choose to provide fair child support or share care.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't separate (I did) but it's easier to do it for self-fulfilment reasons when you have a good safety net.

I think people are missing the point here. OP is not leaving the marriage to pursue lust and passion, she's leaving because the lack of it. It doesn't sound like she's looking to swing from chandeliers!

To have NO desire to be intimate with your partner is the death knell, who wants to live platonically forever? In actual fact she is not being selfish, she is allowing her DH to possibly find the affection she cannot give him.

No there aren't lots of 'perfect' men up for grabs, but really, is that an excuse to live an unhappy life? The children will adapt, millions do, we only get one stab at life, you have to be happy.

I also am not looking for 100% perfect, but perfect to me would be having the desire, attraction etc, and not being fussed if he was a bit messy, or something else not perfect.

You're right that it is only fair to leave if I've really made the effort to try. I think that's where we're heading. Commitment to trying for one more short period, I just don't think it will work because I can't make myself desire him and want a physical relationship with him. I have no idea why I can't do that, it's not that easy to change your feelings, despite knowing that it makes the most logical sense. When has desire and love ever been a logical process though?

The only good that might come is that I can say I tried, and he may be more accepting of it knowing that.

@Itsallpointless hit the nail on the head.

I'm in the same position. He's a good man but not good for me anymore and we are both so quiet and a shadow of what we're capable of being.
I'm not even interested in thinking of finding anyone else, I just want to find myself again and go from there and wish the same for him.

Theres a lot of bashers on this post but a bland, mediocre lacklustre relationship should not just be acceptable because its financially sound and not abusive. Life is also for living and should have happiness too. @mummyof2lou i wish you all the best.

Your children are at a very vulnerable age. Personally I would say do not do this to them unless you absolutely need to. The effects will be large. If you do separate, do it because you'll be happier alone. Do not even consider bringing someone else into their life and home after they have been through a family breakup already, that is just so unfair. Then, if you have decided to stay alone until they are grown, you can consider another relationship at that point. Put your children first.

Hmmm. It's really difficult to give advice on this. Based on my own relationship I would not leave for the reasons you cite. We have two dc and our sex life is up and down. We go through phases where it's good but also long droughts. Mostly that depends on me not feeling sexual and that we both work full time and I work shifts.

But I cherish our family life. We now share jokes and memories and experiences that I can't have with anyone else. I can be me with him. The real me which means poorly fitting pj's or hairy legs without worry. I would not trade that familiarity and that sense of being a team for excitement and greener grass. My parents have been married 50 years. They're passion left years ago but they're the best of friends. As they get old they thrive on the past. They reminisce about their lives and they laugh. They have been through times where honestly I thought they should split but they weathered each storm and I do believe both of them with call the other their soulmates now. Because marriage is friendship, support, acceptance and warmth. It's also a bunch of crappy times but that's part of the journey.

However, saying this in of my friends felt like you. She pleaded with her DH to see her, to be affectionate towards her, to notice her. Eventually she left him for another man. And she grieved. And he grieved. And they cried together. But she's happy. Happier than I've ever seen her in 25 years. She says even now she's heartbroken that their marriage failed but she has no regrets.

I guess the point is you don't give us enough information to really help you decide. If there is some sex, some warmth, some affection. If you can see a future where you're both old and say reminiscing about the old days, then fight for your marriage. Put in the effort. Try some sex therapy. See if you can revive enough to save it. If you would rather be single than live this life then leave and do it soon. If this were the other way around we would all be screaming at you to stop letting your husband call the shots. I feel incredibly sad for your hands who it seems is just waiting patiently for you to make your decision. Stringing him along month after month is selfish. Either get on the same page and work hard to save it or walk away and stop destroying his self confidence in the process.

I don't know how old you are but I divorced my dp when the kids were the same age as yours for the same reasons you give

It's now around 10 years later and I regret it.

I found there weren't many kind single available men around. My kids suffered massively, especially my son, and I really blame myself for that. My new dp is lovely and exciting and great with my kids. But now I have his dc to deal with, I have his baggage plus my baggage and life is definitely not simple or easy. I also took a massive hit financially in the divorce and dp is not well off so I'm in a far worse position than if I had stayed married.

If I could turn back the clock I would not do it.

@HappyThursdays thank you for replying. I'm 39. I can see why you may feel like you do, but if you'd stayed, do you think you'd be happier now? Ok more money and stability, but would you be really happy, or just comfortable? I think that's what I wonder. Either way there's always a bit of 'what if'

I was a similar age as you too at the time

it's a difficult one and I do spend a fair bit of my time thinking about it and I think there are pros and cons

the biggest thing for me is the kids - I think waiting till they were 18 would have been more sensible and less disruptive. My son had to start secondary school, get used to 2 houses etc.

I don't think you should settle for something that makes you unhappy but there also must have been some reason you married him - can you think back to what that was?

I think for me the kindness and shared experiences of having the kids should have been a larger draw than it was for me. Ultimately, only the two of you will ever know your kids the way you do. You will be their main advocates. When something goes wrong with the dcs at school, it will always be dh you want to turn to.

It is also very painful waving the kids goodbye when they go off to see your ex - and bear in mind nowadays, shared care is much more common so you may find it's not every other weekend but a lot more often that you don't see them.

If I could do it all again, I would try everything before divorce. I would do joint counselling, I would do trial separation. Like you, I just skipped those steps and I shouldn't have done. Whatever is wrong, make sure you have done everything you can to save it before giving up on it, especially if he is a kind man and loves you and the dc. If after that, you're convinced it won't work, at least then you'll know in a few years time that you did everything you could.

sorry I see you didn't skipped those steps but stopped doing the counselling. I also did counselling on my own afterwards - I think it was very valuable and I learned what I had done wrong in the relationship.

btw I am happy now - i have a lovely life. But I have different challenges to the ones I had before and I'm not convinced I'm more happy than I would have been had I worked at the marriage. I don't know, it's tricky!

I would send the kids to a babysitter, get away for a weekend as a couple with wine before I even considered divorce.

By the time you hit your 30s most of the decent men are already shacked up. No way would I put the kids through the disruption of divorce in your circumstances.

We did the weekend away, it was nice but it didn't put me back in that place. I've done lots of individual counselling, we did a little joint but not much. I wish it would work, my family unit is the only thing keeping me here. But I'm so miserable, and just feel trapped. I love my time with my DCs, but I hate pretending to be a family that I know isn't as it should be. I think lockdown is making it more extreme, but outside of lockdown all I do is fill my time elsewhere to not pay as much attention to the problems. It's easier to deal with when you can escape a bit and keep busy outside the house. I don't want to feel like I need to escape my life.

But yes, I hear you, swapping one set of issues for another is the reality.

I could in some ways have written your post. Perhaps my marriage has been more extreme with some shoddy treatment on both sides but its so hard. I love my children like you love yours and currently when I am just doing normal things like hanging out with the eldest watching TV or doing the youngest bed time its almost unbearable that I might be about to break up their family.

But can I just stay for them? We have been having counselling the last few weeks and have talked more than we have about real stuff in years. I've also cried more than I ever have. But I think something has died and I don't know if we can get it back.

Hi @Redcliff, so sorry to hear you're in this place too. Counselling always seems to focus on past hurts I find, never moves things forward. Or at least that's my experience. I wonder how many people get it back vs bury it? I'm starting to think forever is a very long time.

I think counselling has helped us communicate better - we have stopped shouting and arguing and are proper talking which has helped. But yes - it has brought up stuff from the past that I have found very painful and has really made me question our relationship more.

We can't say if you'll regret it. But my take would be very different. I would prioritise my children over sex. I would know they are happy with us all together and that's better for them. I'd at least stay like that till they're through school. Yes, I'd make that sacrifice (and anyhow you don't know who you will or won't meet after divorce - nothing is guaranteed).

I wouldn't normally say this, but perhaps have a steamy affair fir a few months. In secret. And keep the family together.

I think you're risking too much. And taking something too precious from your children. And actually from yourself.

Don't do it.

Just please think carefully OP. Think about your children. Why did you get married to start with? Really think.

It is normal for passion to fade. We can't have all things for all time from one person, it's so rare and really should not be the expectation. But to achieve something even close to that requires lots of work. From both of you. All the time, before it gets shit. This is really worth listening to:

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellthesecretttodesireeinaalongtermm_relationship/up-next?language=en

Also...

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellrethinkinginfidelityyatalkkforanyoneewhohasseverloved/up-next

Thank you @PolkadotGiraffe. They were very insightful. I've read a couple of her books too.