Will I regret this?

[mummyof2lou]

My husband is due to move out in a few months and the reality of it all is starting to hit me. Today I keep thinking how long ago Friday evening felt and how long that would feel without seeing the children. I'm married to a kind and thoughtful man who loves me and is the best dad but we lack spark, attraction, affection etc, and I'm not sure I can live a marriage like that, or have much hope of being able to rekindle it (it's always been lacking so rekindle may be the wrong word). Is that enough to miss the children every other weekend and put them through this? Will I end up regretting it? Or will the panic make me stay as we are and I'll regret that too one day? Will I always feel guilty for putting him and the kids through this? Anyone have similar experiences they can share? Thanks for listening

[PolkadotGiraffe]

Day to day life is so draining on a relationship. You have to put as much effort into it as child-rearing or work to make it last, in my opinion.

[LilyWater]

@Sequoiadendrongiganteum

In your shoes, no I'd not break up the family. I'm not you though, this is a very personal decision.

Kind, thoughtful men, who love you, and are the best dad are to be valued. Lust and passion don't last, they are chemical.

Listen to this OP, and @madcatladyforever who've actually gone through the experience.

It's easy for randomers on the internet to spur you on to break up your family when they're not the ones having to deal with the consequences.

Before you make any decision, I recommend reading "Mr Good Enough" by Lori Gottleib. Some real eye opening stuff based on real situations and research that may surprise you (was certainly enlightening to me).

You're VERY unlikely to get what you're seeking as the reality is such men who are full of passion, kind and thoughtful are not only rare, but are generally not waiting in the wings for single middle aged women with an ex husband and 2 kids in tow who are not theirs. They have their pick of women and would have settled down long ago with their own kids.

In any case that "passion" will be stilted somewhat by the day to day grind of kids. Also EVERYBODY compromises in some way. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. When you see a seemingly passionate couple, you have no idea of the reality behind the scenes or the compromises they made, that you wouldnt have. Seems horrible to smash your children's home to pieces without properly focussing on counselling and working things through with the husband you chose.

[LilyWater]

[quote MotherForker]@SplunkPostGres the bar shouldn't be "no abuse". You are modelling healthy relationships for your children.

I've said this on previous threads, Denmark has one of the highest divorce rates and is regularly cited as having the happiest population. It is thought that because they are able to recognise when a relationship is no longer working, have a no fault divorce and move on makes them happier and healthier. Rather than staying in festering relationships, building resentment.[/quote]
So where is the evidence that Denmark's high happiness index is directly caused by their high divorce rates and nothing else in their lives? Just because two random measures both happen to be high in one country doesn't mean one caused the other! Bizarre

[mummyof2lou]

Thank you @LilyWater

What does everyone think on counselling? Seems like it's perfectly acceptable to end your marriage by paying £100 an hour to a stranger to give you the seal of approval that you've done the right thing these days, but not ok to do the same if you haven't.

I'm struggling to see what a counsellor can add (when they generally in my experience repeat what you've said and give no direction), to a situation like this. I think it could work wonders in a situation like lack of communication maybe.

[LilyWater]

@mummyof2lou it's all about choosing the right type of counsellor which can be hard there are some not so good ones out there. Have you gone to Relate? They will be very experienced and it's worth paying for it, especially considering any divorce would be much more expensive, and I believe their fees are variable.

From what you've said (which of course may not be everything and an experienced counsellor will be able to help get to the root of problems), you actually started out having attraction to your husband but he did not reciprocate in the way you wanted/expected. This is something they can help you both work through. They will have seen it all.

May have been suggested already but I would also recommend going on the 5 love languages website and doing their quiz to see what your love languages are. Then your hubby doing the same and comparing them. You may get some interesting insights from that

[Redcliff]

I think that any decent counsellor won't tell you what to do but will help you reach your own conclusions. We have had 4 sessions and they have helped us communicate but have also helped me see how dysfunctional my relationship has become on both sides - just hearing my husband talk about his take on things has shown me how much has changed for the worse.

I want to be able to say to myself (and my kids if they ever asked) that I tried and part of this was us talking to a professional.

[Itsallpointless]

Counselling in many respects is all part of the process. Ticking off everything before you throw in the towel. I have always felt confident in my decisions not to have sought counselling to help. However, I've had counselling for other issues, and it reinforced confidence in decisions I'd made, not necessarily made the decision for me.

You've had lots of advice OP, it can be rather overwhelming, and you can find you're even more indecisive with each response. I hope you can find some peace somewhere to make your decision.

[adventurealice]

@mummyof2lou how did it work out in the end?

[mummyof2lou]

@adventurealice
It was a lot of chopping and changing plans, but the situation now is that we are separated but living together. We haven't told the DCs as it feels a bit unfair to do so in lockdown when we can't tell them when he will move out. Everything feels very lonely and uncertain

[DreamingOfTheSouthOfFrance]

@adventurealice I'm much older than you and just in the process of sorting out a divorce. I too didn't want to upset family life for similar reasons. I wish I had done it years ago! It's horrible and sad but ultimately life will be better, I am sure.

[adventurealice]

Oh I'm sorry it's all so in the air. It sounded like a bit of a tenuous solution when you originally posted it so I had my fingers crossed for you to have at least had a clean break. I hope you get there in the end. Lockdown has really made this sort of thing a lot harder than it should be!

[mummyof2lou]

Yes I wish we'd done it the first time, instead of wobbling and going back and forth. It would have been hard, but a rip of the plaster. I don't think living together in lockdown has done us any favours

[Eskaybi]

@madcatladyforever

I wouldn't have divorced either of my husbands had they not been abusive. I could have happily lived with a nice kind person with no spark or affection.
Especially when the menopause came round and I didn't want the spark and affection anyway which for me was at 45.
I think it's highly unlikely I'll find even a companion for my twilight years and even if I did we have no shared memories, he'll never love my son unconditionally like a father would, I just can't see it working.
What is it that you think you will find out there? Your husband will move on soon enough as there are thousands of lonely women out there looking for a man who is just nice.
Who will take on your kids and treat them as their own rather than just as irritants and passion killers getting in the way.
Who will say that you'll even find anyone who measures up to what you want and what will you do if your kids don't like them.
It's bloody hard being a single mum I've done it.
I'd settle for a husband like yours any day but nobody decent is looking for a 58 year old.
I've learnt over the years that grass is never greener, if you find a good man hang onto him. Your children will be affected, make no doubt about that. Moving from house to house, getting used to a new man who probably isn't into them, less household money, not being part of a real family any more.
What for? An exciting shag with someone who will probably just use you and leave because the men who prey on single women are shitty all told and they know all the tricks to get to you.
This is just my opinion. Your children won't thank you for this.

This is such an honest advice. And TBH I totally agree with you. A decent , loving , caring husband to me and dad to my child is all I ever wanted. I only had to move out after violent episodes didnt stop. Last one infront of my 10 year old. It effects kids, and it breaks a woman inside.
Divorce isn't a joke for me , and I suffered a heart attack because of all the stress that comes after the break up, finances, anxiety about future of children and new relationships.
I'm not saying good men are extint, but truly they are rare. I'm in my early 40s and it ain't easy fishing. 😊

[mummyof2lou]

@eskaybi I'm so sorry you went through that. I realise my situation must seem very selfish in comparison. I just can't make myself feel the same way anymore. I would do anything to turn back the clock to a time where maybe I could have, but whenever that was, it's now passed

[IdblowJonSnow]

I suspect you're doing the right thing op. Natural to get cold feet though and start to grieve the positives of your marriage.
Life won't stay the same you'll find new ways of filling your time and may well come to appreciate your child free time.
I wish you well.

[Crikeycroc]

Honestly I would have sex therapy or explore whether there are different types of therapy other than the traditional couples counselling model that might help you rekindle the spark.

Would I split up an otherwise happy family unit because of a lack of chemistry and affection? No way. Personally I think it is unrealistic to expect that in a long term relationship with children. Great if you have it, if not then work on it and possibly when the kids are older it will happen.

If you leave the relationship you might one day find someone you have an amazing connection and chemistry with but at what cost? Your kids will never enjoy the security and stability of an intact family unit with any other man you meet. Based on personal experience and endless posts on here most step parents barely tolerate, let alone love their step kids. Divorce is in the best interests of the children when there is abuse or high levels of conflict.

[mummyof2lou]

@crikeycroc but our house is no longer happy. It's been so long like this we're just two broken and sad parents. That's not a model I want to live my life by, or one I want my children to mirror. Agree, it's not ideal at all for the kids, but neither is the current state. I think people don't realise that intimacy and affection is so much more than sex. It's hard to explain

[Torres10]

@mummyof2lou, everyone has their own views on what they can live with and what they can't. No one is right or wrong per se as it is a very personal decision to you.

Some people are content to muddle along with a kind generous flatmate for the rest of their lives, some are not. It, of course, does not mean you will necessarily walk into a better relationship in the future, but that does not mean you would not lead a more fulfilled life in other ways, paddling your own canoe, so to speak. A man does not define your worth!

As long as you act with honesty and integrity with regards your feelings that is a better way to live and fairer to all concerned including your husband!

[AnonymousAuroch]

@mummyof2lou since you have to muddle through daily life together for the time being anyway, have you considered a sex therapist? They focus on rebuilding intimacy rather than traditional marriage counseling, which like you said is more towards communication issues, etc.

[AnonymousAuroch]

Couples sex therapy, I mean, not just for you individually.

[mummyof2lou]

@AnonymousAurouch I just can't see him like that anymore. I don't want him to even touch me. It's very strange

[Millshake01]

@mummyof2lou how did your husband take it? I have the same feelings towards my husband :(

[mummyof2lou]

@Millshake01 it was a gradual thing so over time we have got further apart. He was upset, I think there's still a bit of denial. He deals with life better on a day to day basis than I do though. I'm so petrified of the future

[Millshake01]

Why are you scared? Try not to think too far ahead as this can make you anxious. My husband is back after a few months separation. I caved into pressure and also feeling very sad about the whole situation.

[mummyof2lou]

@millshake01 Scared of being lonely. It's so lonely despite him living here. How's it been since he's been back? Do you feel relief or regret he's home?