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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Will I regret this?

118 replies

mummyof2lou · 20/09/2020 09:45

My husband is due to move out in a few months and the reality of it all is starting to hit me. Today I keep thinking how long ago Friday evening felt and how long that would feel without seeing the children. I'm married to a kind and thoughtful man who loves me and is the best dad but we lack spark, attraction, affection etc, and I'm not sure I can live a marriage like that, or have much hope of being able to rekindle it (it's always been lacking so rekindle may be the wrong word). Is that enough to miss the children every other weekend and put them through this? Will I end up regretting it? Or will the panic make me stay as we are and I'll regret that too one day? Will I always feel guilty for putting him and the kids through this? Anyone have similar experiences they can share? Thanks for listening

OP posts:
Millshake01 · 20/09/2020 20:10

It's very tough. I'm with you on this one. My husband moved out last week. I miss him in the house. He is trying so hard to make the marriage work. He's hoping to come home soon when I'm ready. But like you, there's no feelings on my half. I love him but not in love anymore. It's very difficult. Hugs to you

Backboneneeded · 20/09/2020 21:17

@madcatladyforever

I wouldn't have divorced either of my husbands had they not been abusive. I could have happily lived with a nice kind person with no spark or affection. Especially when the menopause came round and I didn't want the spark and affection anyway which for me was at 45. I think it's highly unlikely I'll find even a companion for my twilight years and even if I did we have no shared memories, he'll never love my son unconditionally like a father would, I just can't see it working. What is it that you think you will find out there? Your husband will move on soon enough as there are thousands of lonely women out there looking for a man who is just nice. Who will take on your kids and treat them as their own rather than just as irritants and passion killers getting in the way. Who will say that you'll even find anyone who measures up to what you want and what will you do if your kids don't like them. It's bloody hard being a single mum I've done it. I'd settle for a husband like yours any day but nobody decent is looking for a 58 year old. I've learnt over the years that grass is never greener, if you find a good man hang onto him. Your children will be affected, make no doubt about that. Moving from house to house, getting used to a new man who probably isn't into them, less household money, not being part of a real family any more. What for? An exciting shag with someone who will probably just use you and leave because the men who prey on single women are shitty all told and they know all the tricks to get to you. This is just my opinion. Your children won't thank you for this.
Oh God, for me that is so sad. To be in a mediocre, loveless marriage rather than be on your own. Sad
loopylindazdaughter · 21/09/2020 21:54

Thanks you so much for this thread. I could of written it myself, but unfortunately I lack your bravery to do anything about it.

I pray he'll stray/that he'd be mean to me/that he'd do anything wrong to give me a reason to want out but he doesn't. And all that's left is me being unhappy because there's no spark/attraction/passion. It just doesn't feel enough to break the family up over. I would loose so much in terms of house / financial comforts / friends.

I don't want anyone else, tbh I don't think I would ever live with another man again. I just want to be alone, to not dread affection that i can't mirror, to not have to force interest in work/sport/his friends. God I feel like a bitch saying that but it's just gone, all that need/love/team. Can't even put my hand on how, when or why. I'm 3 months in just wishing I could flick that switch back on.

DancingWithWillard · 21/09/2020 22:53

Forgive me if I’m misremembering but madcatlady I am sure you have posted before about being asexual. In which case you are not coming at the problem from the same position as he op or many of the rest of us who have struggled with this. If you don’t have sexual feelings then of course your view will favour companionship over passion.
Op I was in a similar position to you and we ended the relationship amicably (he it turns out felt the same but would have “sucked it up” I think). I won’t lie there have been times I’ve been riddled with guilt that I broke up my child’s family, and wished it could have been different - it certainly would have been easier- but I would have been miserable and extremely depressed had we stayed together, and I’m not sure that an amicable but passionless marriage is one I want to model for my child.
It’s not an easy decision to make and it won’t be an easy path to follow, but if you are both sensitive towards dc’s needs they needn’t be adversely affected. It isn’t unusual to have separated parents and they can blossom.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 21/09/2020 23:02

Loopylinda - I've been feeling like this for about 2 years. Increasing with every month. It took me a lot longer than 3 months to do anything about it for the same reasons as you. 2 years later and still feel as undecided. I know whatever I do they'll be regret either way. I'm so sorry you're going through this too

DancingwithWillard - thank you so much. I'm just so scared of the path! I don't think staying or going would be an easy one to walk. Are you happier now? I hope you found a happy place

OP posts:
DancingWithWillard · 21/09/2020 23:38

mummyof2lou thank you, yes I’m in a good place now. I am seeing someone who my child adores and vice versa (my ex and I agreed on time limits to meet new partners and were very much on the same page that we go at dc pace with anyone new).

St the end of the day if you aren’t happy and fulfilled in your current relationship the next it needs to change, and I don’t believe you can reverse a lack of attraction and passion. I personally don’t believe I could have continued to be a decent parent in that relationship as I would have felt stifled and unfulfilled and I would have been miserable and resentful.

It depends on your circumstances but it can’t hurt to have a little time apart. Children are resilient and I think if you are age appropriately honest and sensitive to their feelings they won’t come to any harm by their parents living apart.

WhatWillSantaBring · 24/09/2020 10:25

I'm glad that there are others who feel the same, and loopylinda I could have written exactly the same thing. Getting scared of DH showing me affection because I know that I can't mirror it, half wishing he would do something that would give me an . (DH also sulks hugely if I turn him down, so I know that I've either got to give in or have a fight). I genuinely don't know what to do - stay for the children, and because we have a nice life, and we do make a goodish team, at the cost of genuine happiness for us both, or end things and lose sooooooo much.

WhatWillSantaBring · 24/09/2020 10:25

sorry, not glad, obviously, but relieved...

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 24/09/2020 13:38

Whatwillsantabring - 'I genuinely don't know what to do - stay for the children, and because we have a nice life, and we do make a goodish team, at the cost of genuine happiness for us both, or end things and lose sooooooo much.'...that is exactly it isn't it. So much to lose. So much unknown. I feel so ungrateful but can't shake that feeling that it's not meant to feel like this

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WhatWillSantaBring · 24/09/2020 15:08

I get jealous of friends who seem to be fantastically in love. But i also wonder if I ride it out (and maybe if i can persuade DH to go for counselling) it could be better.

What worries me is that all my divorced friends say that they knew deep down that it wasn't meant to be even when they got married. Well, I had some doubts but I don't think i'd ever say "i knew it was wrong", so that gives me hope.

How long have you felt like this OP? Have you tried counselling?

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 24/09/2020 20:30

Probably two years, but more so the last year. We went for a couple of sessions but it just seemed to make us more aware of the problems. I've also been individually. They just listen though, I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do, not listen! Yes I get jealous of friends marriages too. The ones who you know are run ragged with life but still you catch him rubbing her back or saying something lovely about her. And then you hear your friends moan about their husbands always wanting sex, even the ones that don't seem that happy. I would have loved that problem. I just don't think it should be this hard to be on track in a marriage.

I never had doubts the day I married him, but the lack of affection and passion was a huge problem for me even then

OP posts:
Everyonelovessparkles · 25/09/2020 13:42

I feel like I am at the starting point of your journey mummyof2lou. I have had doubts about my marriage for almost 2years and last winter I vowed if I still felt the same I would end up. We survived lock down but it was clear to me during that time we were over. I was waiting till the DC went back to school to initiate ‘the conversation’. But I still haven’t managed it. Where do you start? What do you say? Every morning I wake up determined to do it and then there just never seems to be the right moment. We get on fine, but we’re like housemates. I don’t feel attracted to him any more and feel bad for the lack of affection towards him when he approaches for a cuddle etc I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate. I know I need to say something, I just don’t know where to start....

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 25/09/2020 23:56

Everyonelovessparkes - I did the same last new years eve and the year before. I've said to myself both new years that I need to make myself happier by the following new year, so I really know how you feel. It's hard when you still get on though. For us there wasn't a big conversation, but I think I started to show I was unhappy. Since then lots of conversations but they just went round and round in circles and then we'd not speak again about it, and repeat etc. I always imagined a big conversation, being very sure and making quick plans. It doesn't seem to be that simple. Maybe start the conversation by telling him you're feeling really unhappy, and see where thay takes you, rather than opening with I want to leave? It's so hard though, because if he asks you to try, how do you try to get back that feeling? I'm not sure the odd date night cuts it

OP posts:
Everyonelovessparkles · 26/09/2020 08:53

Thanks mummyof2. Yes I think I just need to raise the subject of being unhappy (I can’t see how he is happy either if he thinks about it - we just plod on, not wanting to upset the status quo) and take it from there. I think it will be a long process, with many conversations, I’ve just got to start it.... and I agree that I can’t really see a way back, I just can’t be bothered with date nights, I think once the spark has gone, you can’t get it back (unless you are really determined to) as it’s fundamental and not just a case of do more of this, less of that, start this etc

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 26/09/2020 17:07

Everyonelovessparkles - good luck, let us know how it goes xx

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 26/09/2020 18:11

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar position but haven't instigated a split, just thinking about it every day. Good luck 💐

Swingbin · 26/09/2020 20:47

You need to forget about potential future relationships (only saying this because of some of the comments on this thread). Consider life without him, you are unhappy. Would you be happy without him? As a single parent? If you would be happier in your own unit and can maintain a decent co-parenting relationship it seems like a better future for everyone. Maybe he would thrive with someone that is more enthusiastic about him. If you have doubts consider counselling/meditation.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 26/09/2020 20:58

Life as a single mum wouldn't be happier, it would be hard work in lots of ways and a lot scarier. I'd really struggle not seeing them as much. But it might feel more authentic to how I feel if that makes sense. Part of me feels like I'm living a pretend life at the moment. I don't think I'd be trading for a happier life, but maybe for the future hope of a happier life.

OP posts:
TrashCat · 15/11/2020 20:47

@mummyof2lou how have you been getting on? I am in a similar situation and want to see if you're ok.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 15/11/2020 21:09

Hi @TrashCat
Still so unsure but time rapidly running out. It's such an awful time of year to be doing this what with lockdown and christmas. So many good reasons to stay, but I think I know if we didn't have kids or finances to consider I wouldn't stay. We're considering putting off the separation until January and giving ourselves the next 2 months to work with a counsellor/coach for one last attempt. I think I know it won't change how I feel, but I just can't get past the thought of putting my children through 2 homes, less financial freedom/security, and not being part of a family as they know it.

What's your situation? I hope you're ok, I know how hard the indecision is. I'm a complete mess at the moment.

OP posts:
Sequoiadendrongiganteum · 15/11/2020 21:27

In your shoes, no I'd not break up the family. I'm not you though, this is a very personal decision.

Kind, thoughtful men, who love you, and are the best dad are to be valued. Lust and passion don't last, they are chemical.

GaryTheDemon · 15/11/2020 21:57

A counsellor can help you separate successfully too, they aren’t just about insisting you stay together. If you set that as the aim that’s what they’ll help you to do.

I’m not sure people are reading your post right, he’s a kind man in general but you and he are effectively flatmates who happen to have kids. That’s what you’re saying, right? I don’t get the sense this is about just sex. It’s about general affection, feeling comfortable together, supporting each other. From your posts it’s seems like nice man = doesn’t complain and does his fair share. Not that he’s making loads of effort to fix things but more like it’s less effort for him to stay.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I just don’t see where you’ve said everything is perfect and you’re so happy, planning for your future, each other’s confident and fulfilled but there’s not enough sex. It sounds like there’s no connection but kids.

Itsallpointless · 15/11/2020 22:16

What about your DH OP? Are you intimate with him? Do you show him any affection/attention? Is it hard for you to do?

It's easy for folk to say "passion doesn't last" or "nice guys don't come along often" which are very valid statements by the way. However, if you don't feel a physical connection with your DH, he will notice and feel this. There is nothing more soul destroying than the person you love not loving you back, and not wanting to be intimate with you. It will eventually destroy the marriage anyway.

I'm all for keeping families together, but not at all costs. Everyone deserves to love and be loved.

Original poster
mummyof2lou · 16/11/2020 00:04

@GaryTheDemon yes you're spot on, not kust about the sex, it's so much more about affection, desire etc, but sex is a bit product of that. We no longer plan for the future, and whilst we are certainly friends, and we support each other, it's not where I thought I'd be

@itsallpointless I no longer show him affection, nor do I want his. I used to always show him affection, I wish I knew how to feel that way again. I feel awful that he feels that rejection

OP posts:
Itsallpointless · 16/11/2020 04:24

I no longer show him affection, nor do I want his.

This is very telling. It's not about lust and passion, it's about desire. You no longer (and it sounds like you never really did) desire him, this situation is very hard to come back from, I personally don't think it does.

I have been in a relationship (not my children's father) where there was no desire on my part, it almost became repulsive, not because he was awful, just that I had zero physical desire for him.

The choice is yours OP, but frankly speaking, that physical loneliness kills any other kind of relationship you may have.

It's a tough oneThanks