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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child contact help

52 replies

MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 11:54

Hello
Looking for advice
Have put in agreement DH to have children
every second Sat night and Sunday all day till tea time. Collect after Sat activities 2ish or in am if not on.

2 week in summer. Half other hols.

And flexible to other arrangements as agreed in between.

He had never been able to commit with job to collect from childcare by 6pm in our relationship therefore I don’t want to add a must have on set day in week now if he can’t commit. He also lives 1 hour away now.

Does this seem reasonable? I fear his lawyer will say it’s not enough access?

Any advice appreciated.

Thx

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 11:56

Forgot to say at moment he tends to see them each Sat to help take to activities for couple of hours which I am ok to continue but this is not details.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 14/11/2019 13:06

It doesn’t sound much.

It’s basically a day / one overnight every 2 weeks (from 6pm Sat to ‘tea’ on Sun).

1/3 of summer holidays.

Why not EOW pick up Fri, drop back later Sun. Why not half the holidays?

What about Christmas, NY, fathers days, his birthdays, their birthdays.

Unless there are serious safe guarding issues he’d be likely awarded EOW 2 nights, a visit in the week & half of all holidays.

If the shoe was on the other foot what would be enough for you?

ColaFreezePop · 14/11/2019 14:52

Agree with PP offer eow friday until Sunday and half the school holidays.

If he can't pick them up at a reasonable time on Friday, preferably from school , then let him offer to pick them up around 9am on Saturday morning. It's up to him if he takes them to their activities.

Alternate Christmas and NY plus their birthdays, and add in Father's day.

An hour isn't a significant journey time for the children.

In regards to drop off and pick ups - don't be difficult and not at least agree to meet him half way particularly in the school holidays.

Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 14:58

2 nights a month isn’t enough. Neither is 1/3 of the summer holidays. Obviously it depends on whether he’d actually want to see them more, some fathers aren’t bothered. Is he pushing for more contact?

Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 14:59

He has moved 1 hour away that why I wonder for the weekday contact if he able to come and have reasonable about of time with kids.

If he finished work between 5-6 then arrives at 6.30/7pm it’s not much is it?
I’d be happy with a mid week Visit but unless he can get an agreement at work for an early finish I am not sure that’s why I didn’t details it but instead had verbally said to him welcome to let me know when you can and we can sort and that’s why it’s left open with the point ‘and any other times as agreed between both parties’. But it’s not detailed as to exactly what.

The Friday to Sunday would be ok EOW but he needs to come here to do their activities and as they in separate places needs another person to help and again would need to ask for work for a guaranteed finish time.

That’s why so far he has come here each Saturday to help and we have taken a child each place.

Again I had verbally said he could take them out Saturday afternoon if he wanted. But it’s not detailed down.

That’s why I am finding it difficult to know what is right as he’s never been able to commit usually to come home to pick up so would need to change things now to be able to do so.

Summer Holidays again as he lives 1 hour away I don’t think it’s fair on the kids not to have time with their friends and potential activities they will take part in locally. They will still go to him on the EOW in addition to his 2 week with them.

Father’s Day most definitely happy with that and hope their birthdays we can do together or split.

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:00

Btw the standard seems to be every other weekend. One or two nights every midweek. Half of all holidays. Take it in turns birthday/Xmas etc. That’s if it doesn’t just go to 50-50. An hour away isn’t far at all. My dd’s travel 3 hours a day to get to school and back

Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:01

Midweek visits don’t have to be at yours. He can’t pick them up and take them to his for 1 or 2 nights, as long as he can get them to school in the morning

Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:01

*can pick them up

Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 15:01

He hasn’t pushed yet but am anticipating it from his lawyer as I know it doesn’t look much. It not for want of my asking him what he wants. He just won’t verbalise it to me.

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:03

Activities may have to stop on his weekends. Contact with their father is far more important than their clubs. You wouldn’t like it if you only had your kids once a month, and couldnt have them an extra weekend because dad would rather them go to swimming/ballet/football/whatever

Clangus00 · 14/11/2019 15:03

He actually doesn’t need to take them to their weekend activities if he doesn’t want it to impede on his time with his children. (Although that wouldn’t be fair on the children, obviously).

Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 15:04

@Raphael34 I’m concerned that if he has them a night in week to get to school they have to leave his place say 7.20/30am to get to school on time then he will have to turn round and drive back to work so it’s a 2 hour trip for him with 2 hours also the night before to collect them. Maybe I am being to practical thinking of him !

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 15:04

@Clangus00 that just seems so unfair to the kid but I understand your point

OP posts:
LetsPlayDarts · 14/11/2019 15:05

How old are the DC's and what are these activities? Yes, activities are important but shouldn't always be a barrier to access.

What's he requesting? Perhaps now the relationship has changed he can change work hours.

Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 15:06

@Raphael34 it doesn’t seem right thou does it to stop their activities that they love and have been used to. It’s not the child’s fault. But I do understand what you are saying and I am prepared for that conversation to be had now

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 15:07

@LetsPlayDarts 7 and 11
Yes wonder if he can alter work to make it happen.
Activities dance for one and a sport for the other. The swimming lesson i willing to forgo on his weekends

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:10

I think you’re just going to see what the solicitor comes back with. At least you’ll have it set in stone and he’ll have to have it figured out with work. If he really can’t change his working pattern to pick them up/drop them off at a reasonable time for school etc, then he may just be happy with what you’ve offered.

Cakeandmorecake · 14/11/2019 15:13

I'm with the OP here the children should be able to do their activities. Just because the dad has moved they shouldn't have to stop them. Every family is different it doesn't have to be EOW if something else works for your family and what your children would like.

LetsPlayDarts · 14/11/2019 15:16

I'd be inclined to let him have one day a week after school. An hour isn't too bad and the DC's could read etc in the car.

Why not alternate fortnight's as in one time he has them fri - sun then the next fortnight sat - sun. Or him have them every Saturday night.

Yes, activities are good but a healthy relationship with their DF is far more important. Plus, it gives them time to feel like their DF's house is a home and they can make friends there.

Surely you want time to do your own thing too?

Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:16

Cake you’d honestly place the child’s clubs above seeing their dad?? It doesn’t matter if he’s 5 minutes or 5 hours away. His weekend with the kids is his weekend, he may object to running them round their activities when it’s his rare time to spend with them either way

Original poster
MaryQ89 · 14/11/2019 15:19

Thanks all for your advice. Had given me things to consider which Is what I needed

OP posts:
LetsPlayDarts · 14/11/2019 15:19

Raphael, I agree.

At 30 when they have a poor relationship with their DF they are hardly going to be thankful that they learnt to tap dance at 7.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 14/11/2019 15:20

I would put the actives above the father, yes.

The children have been attending these clubs for a while, he chose to move an hour away, I can’t see why they should miss out on much loved clubs because of his choices.

ColaFreezePop · 14/11/2019 15:25

OP offer him mid-week if he wants it but make it clear that he needs to pick them up from school at 3.30pm (or whenever they finish) and return them to school in the morning. He's an adult so has to deal with the travelling plus sorting out childcare until he can pick them up. In regards to the morning travel lots of children leave to go to childminders/breakfast clubs at that time.

Also the only activity you are willing to forgo is actually the one that could be considered a life saving skill. The others like PPs pointed out won't be important when your children are 30.

Raphael34 · 14/11/2019 15:26

How would you feel if dance and swimming
were put above you higher? And people are saying ‘an hour away’ like it’s on a different continent. And the activities may have had to stop even if he lived just down the road. Contact with the father is just that. No matter where he lived, he shouldn’t have to spend his time running them round the clubs that mum has decided they should go to

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