Child contact help

[MaryQ89]

Hello
Looking for advice
Have put in agreement DH to have children
every second Sat night and Sunday all day till tea time. Collect after Sat activities 2ish or in am if not on.

2 week in summer. Half other hols.

And flexible to other arrangements as agreed in between.

He had never been able to commit with job to collect from childcare by 6pm in our relationship therefore I don’t want to add a must have on set day in week now if he can’t commit. He also lives 1 hour away now.

Does this seem reasonable? I fear his lawyer will say it’s not enough access?

Any advice appreciated.

Thx

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby it doesn't work like that. The relationship with each of the parents is more important than dance classes.

The activity situation is stressful. They didn’t choose for him to leave and move further away. That’s the difficult part, surely if they want to do activities then in his time it just has to eat into it like it does in my time with them in the same way. I would hate for him to encourage them to leave the activities they have been enjoying when we were in a relationship. For the reason it seems unfair.

That said I also agree that I don’t want them to think I stopped them having a relationship with their father and resent me when they are older!!

My OHs children’s mother stopped contact because she deemed the children’s activities were more important than seeing their dad.

Dad lived an hour away and actually took them to took them to their activities (he drive backwards & forwards Friday, Sat & Sun to accommodate the activities mum had booked on his time without any consultation). She still stopped contact.

He took her to court and she was told that dad decides what the children do on his time (not mum) and children’s activists are secondary to contact.

@Raphael34 you say that the mum has decided them to go to but that’s unfair yes I signed them up to some of these ( the sport one he did actually and has been doing it 6 years and has had no issue taking child). But why should they suddenly have to be stopped or altered to accommodate the new situation. I would have though we should be trying to work around that?

An hour away is a long way especially if one has to drive a round trip in a short space of time.

@NorthernSpirit that’s good to know. I would assume that it will be up to him. I just hope he can do what’s right for keeping kids routine in place. I’m sorry to hear of your OH that’s wrong that she stopped contact when he was doing all that.

Agreed colafreezepop. You don’t get to ‘punish’ the father for moving an hour away by stopping him seeing his children

So when do you propose that he sees them op? If he can’t get to you for what you’d consider a reasonable time in the week, but you won’t let him have them on weekends.

This is all moot anyway. He’s obviously going through the courts so it’ll get decided for you. Almost guaranteed he’ll get given more than you’re offering though

That’s what I was asking advice on as I know on paper it seems not much and since he is not verbalising his want I am guessing.

I think maybe it will come now thou as it’s on paper black and white and with the ‘and contact at any other times as agreed between the parties’ I was trying to be flexible and open to his Most likely short notice requests due to work.

I think I was thinking it likely be
EOW sat to Sunday night
Contact mid week
And 2 week summer hols and half the three hols

If they are attending the activities it likely lunch time onwards on Saturday for his overnight but was also suggesting he take them the other Saturday afternoon (bring back 5/6pm).

That was an option. Especially if he can’t manage a mid week. That way they will see him each Saturday.

That said they may have parties etc sometimes.

Children of separated parents miss partied if they are with the other parent.
I know this because I have many dc not come to ds parties as they are with their df.

Activities again not important on the scale of an emotional relationship with df.
You state the journey is an hour but at the same time you've cut the weekend down so much, collect late and drop off at 5pm.

Two weeks out of six summer holidays? Nope that won't happen, as you've already stated half the others so why would summer be different?

Why should the dc be affected because he left?.., it's life! And things change.
Also you can't state you miss weekends with them for activities because you have time with them all week.

Dp has just been to court and I'm telling you that you are under the basic contact which will be ordered and the reasons you have will not be good enough even if they are genuine.

I think it’s highly unfair for children to not be able to attend clubs because dad won’t take them!

Most parents who are together juggle time and logistics around these, separated parents should do the same

1 hour is nothing. A lot of people , myself included , have a daily commute if that, and trips to activities of similar time

Op he either agrees to collect and take them to activities during his time ( which he should) or he can collect after

@millymollymoomoo but a judge most likely will not grant that or accept it.
Could you imagine how many mothers who didn't want their dc seeing their df could just put the dc in activities or double the activities up.

Ok I will propose EOW fri to Sunday and he can sort the activities.

I will suggest contact mid week
2 weeks summer and half the other hols.

I’m not suggesting more summer as their childcare, friends and summer groups are here and I wish them to attend these. It’s important to maintain friendships also as well as relationships with parents I feel.

Ghosts I can see that yes, but it infuriated me that parents ( separated) can’t put their children first and allow their children to do these. I don’t think it’s fair children have to miss out. As they get into teenage years many want to do sports etc and this should be encouraged

I agree I'm a scout leader and find it really sad that children tell me they really want to do an activity but they are with a parent that won't take them. Parents need to put the children views first.

Fgs, a child missing the odd activity isn't the end of the world.

My DS misses training sometimes on my watch...big deal. He's missing it because family time such as a day at the beach is far more important.

As a parent that shares weekends my time with my DC's is for me to decide. If little Bobby misses something to do with scouts it might not be because his DF is being awkward - he may just be doing something far more worthwhile that day with his dad - which could even be popcorn, a movie and hugs on the sofa.

What's clear to me is for some, the element of control these activities give is what some are struggling to give up.

Control for a child wanting to do an activity? Nope

SD resides with her mum, comes to dad (my DH) EOW and 1/2 nights mid-week. Mum refuses to take her to activities on her weekend despite SD being upset - this is an activity mum got her involved in in an attempt to reduce time with dad it is definitely a game of control. Unfortunately the children are the ones who lose out - it is very sad.

I wish them to attend these

And there's the crux of the matter, it isn't about the children at all

I think it's unfair too but from going to court myself I know what they will say and do.
And not offering half the holidays isn't a great thing either, friends and play date are important but this is court and you will most likely be granted the basic contact.

Your ex leaving you or moving away doesn't stop him being equal in the eyes of the court.
I'm not saying this to be harsh but the truth is unless you get your ex on side a bit ( he understands about your dc enjoying dance etc) the judge will treat your children like anyone else's, they aren't important to them and an order isn't based on your children which people don't seem to understand.

In my defence, both my DDs with ExDP have weekend activities, and me and him worked together to find ones that were inbetween where we live (he drives and I don’t), but he often ends up taking DDs on my weekends anyway as he likes the extra time with them (we live around 5 miles from each other but the buses are awkward to get from his town to mine) and they had to be weekend ones as neither of us could get them to week day ones.

Would swapping their sessions to weekday evenings be an option?

And to be honest, no I wouldn’t expect my child’s routine to change even more because I’d upped and left. They’re already dealing with Dad not being there every day, why disrupt them further?

And try to avoid court, honestly, DP is going through it at the moment and it’s absolutely horrendous stress wise. We’ve had 2 adjournments so far due to his ex’s solicitor not getting documents sorted in time. She stopped 50/50 because he moved with with me and the interim order is just one night per week because the ex is demanding background checks be done on me I am boring as fuck so she can crack on with that all she wants.

ExDP has EOW due to his job, usually sees them a few hours on my Saturdays, FaceTimes them most nights and takes them out for dinner ad hoc in the week whenever he gets off work early enough, he doesn’t have half the holidays because he simply doesn’t have enough AL and can’t afford unpaid leave, he takes them to his home country once a year to see extended family, and we do get along very well.

If you can work it between you then please do.

There’s a difference between a child missing the odd event ( which they all do) and a child not being able to be part of a regular club eh football or whatever as most of these require attendance at matches etc each week not just 50%

I know cases are different and it can’t just be mothers deciding but as children get older they should get a say and both parents suck it up

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby I really do want to work it between us. I was naive with my flexibility in the statement and any other contact as agreed between the parties as I was going by he doesn’t have the ability (well hasn’t in past ) to commit so now maybe he will have to if he wants more detailed contact arrangements that suit him.

Ok I will propose EOW fri to Sunday and he can sort the activities.
I will suggest contact mid week
This is acceptable

2 weeks summer and half the other hols.

I’m not suggesting more summer as their childcare, friends and summer groups are here and I wish them to attend these. It’s important to maintain friendships also as well as relationships with parents I feel.

I agree with @wobytide it is not about what you want. It is not about their childcare - he needs to sort and pay his own for them in his time if he needs it. Again it is not about their activities or friends. More children than you think have parents who are split up. So aren't at activities every week.

Anyway as you are offering half the other holidays don't be surprised if he argues he's entitled to half the summer holidays.

Instead offer him half the summer holidays but come up with a pattern that you want.

Make sure the pattern allows both of you to take the children away if you can fit it in.
For example you could do one of:

1. 2 weeks with each of you then a week with him and the last week with you every year.
2. 3 weeks with each of you but you have the last 3 weeks every year.
3. Alternate 3 weeks every year but ensure you have them the last weekend.
4. You have the first week. He has the middle 3 weeks then you have the last 2 weeks.
5. You have the first weekend. He then has 3 weeks and then you have the rest of it.

If you decide you aren't doing a straight 3 weeks each explain that it is so the children aren't away from either of you for long periods.

Also agree to alternate half terms instead of doing half a week. That way if either of you want to take the kids away for a half term break you can do so in your full week.

I'm not sure if you work or planning to but the fact that half the holidays will be his full responsibility will help you in any job you do. Use the time they are with him to do hobbies, date or whatever you want. Remember you are a person as well as a mother.

I do work. Always have. Increased hours to accommodate a period of his unemployment.

My work is very flexible and so I am able to work around activities they do mid week. Doesn’t make it easier on me. But I do all of this for them. Always have. He’s never once asked where the kids will go after school or booked anything for them or how much it costs.

Holidays I think would be so unfair to the children if he was finding alternative arrangements out with their norm. They tend to go to my parents usually or holiday clubs that they are well established within. Fine if he can take 3 week holiday and look after them but I would care to know this is the case. Why should they be looked after elsewhere when they have a stable and normal lot of people already to care for them.