Page 5 | Husband now wants 50/50 childcare

Nighowl · 2019-10-31T14:57:10+00:00

He’s just sent me a text from work saying he wants the kids 50/50 and to split equity 45/55. I presently do all childcare and work part time hours around school. He earns massively more than me. 4x more. We had agreed on 60/40 split of equity with him having kids one day a week and every other weekend. I’m going to suggest 2 nights a week plus every other weekend but still 60/40 on equity.... is this fair? I’ve had a massive career break I’m earning less than I did before children and basically starting over.... I cant get enough of a mortgage to buy even on the 60/40 split but hoping that will change in a couple of years but will need to subsidise my wages with money from the sale of the house for the next few years.

Ss770640 · 07/11/2019 19:24

Interesting that everybody says "go for the money"

Fact is your kids deserve their dad on an equal basis to mum. End of.

Barring abuse there is no reason to limit contact to 2 days a fortnight and he can easily challenge that in court. I'm amazed so many courts accept and rule on this.

Regarding your stay at home. Yes the courts will reflect that financially.

Ss770640 · 07/11/2019 19:29

Edit it doesn't matter if he earns 4 x your salary.

What is split equally is only what was earned during marriage.

If you can demonstrate you made a sacrifice to enhance his career, then you have a claim of economic disadvantage (ie stay at home mum).

However expect that claim to be countered with dates etc.

It really comes down to what you can prove.

Regardless of situation, children deserve equal time with both parents.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 07/11/2019 19:51

Fact is your kids deserve their dad on an equal basis to mum. End of.

Fact is that the kids deserve to continue as close to their norm as possible, given the rest of the upheaval.

If that means 90% of the time with mum, then so be it. Dad has had plenty of years to work on being 50/50 parent, and not done it, so why make that change now? How does it benefit the children?

Original poster

Nighowl · 07/11/2019 20:35

Ss77604 i have offered 2 week nights and every other weekend. The kids maintaining their relationship with their Dad is very important to me. He said if he could do 50/50 he’d only do one weeknight and every other weekend. My main reason for not going 50/50 is that I have always been the main caregiver they come to me for everything, in fact while I was at the gym last night my son text me to say my daughter had a tummy ache and when would I be back! My husband was home. It would be too much for them with everything else. My daughter follows me everywhere, is literally my shadow. I’ve said in time I’m happy for 50/50 but it’s too much now. I’m not after all his money I want us both to be in a position to provide a home for our children..... you’ve read me all wrong.

OP posts:

WinterSunglasses · 07/11/2019 20:48

It's not true that 'Regardless of situation, children deserve equal time with both parents' or every divorce settlement would just be an automatic 50/50 residence split, no further discussion. The situation obviously makes a difference

When I described what my H wanted to a solicitor, their first response was 'well, he doesn't get to have it all just the way he wants it'. And so it proved. Listen to the good advice here and get a good solicitor to handle this for you.

RolytheRhino · 07/11/2019 20:59

I’m not after all his money I want us both to be in a position to provide a home for our children..... you’ve read me all wrong.

It's not his money though, OP. Try to avoid thinking in those terms.

TowelNumber42 · 07/11/2019 21:07

You are being crazy. Of course he does not want 50:50 care. He doesn't like taking care of the children. Every action ever has demonstrated that. So, he is saying he wants something he does not actually want and has no intention doing long term Now why would he be faking this desire? That's what you ask yourself and act upon.

Sashkin · 07/11/2019 22:09

My exdh truly believed that it was only my lifestyle that would have to change and not his. That he could shake my hand and walk away with his career, salary, pensions and house and not look back

Yes unfortunately far too many of these men think their inconvenient wives and children should just disappear now they are surplus to requirements, leaving the men with all the joint assets for themselves.

OP I am really hoping for an update soon, saying you’ve taken some legal advice.

Techway · 07/11/2019 22:24

My exdh truly believed that it was only my lifestyle that would have to change and not his. That he could shake my hand and walk away with his career, salary, pensions and house and not look back

Why are so many men bitter??? I recall a male poster on MN who described his Ex as living in luxury when she earned a fraction of what he did and he paid basic CMS.
In my case Ex was a super high earner yet wanted to pay basic CMS which as its capped amounted to 3% of his enormous salary. Through court he had to pay more but I walked away with much less than I could have got as he was so aggressive.

What these men fail to understand is their children are not stupid and will work it all out. Do they really think that the children will have pride in a dad who treated their mum, the main carer, badly?? If dc see mum struggle financially whilst dad thrives it will impact their relationship with their dad. Sadly this happened with my children who are older. They see him but don't respect him and I wish that wasn't the case. They are not impressed with his shiny toys or extravagant lifestyle.

Op, the status quo is likely to continue so 50:50 will only be awarded if your ex changes his job significantly but Judges see this all the time and are wise to men suddenly committing to childcare when they didn't do it before.

Priority will be housing needs, what do you need to be able to house yourself and DC? Is there equity and pensions to split?

I know some women might have too high expectations but I believe they are generally rarer than the bitter men.
I think it clearly shows that when these men were married they never treated their wives as equals.

Original poster

Nighowl · 07/11/2019 22:35

Yes sashkin saw a solicitor today. Dh has calmed down and has agreed back to 60/40 split of equity and we’ve agreed days. He did apologise for last week too. However then went on to say he blamed me totally for the break down of our marriage and that he feels the house and all the equity is his as he paid for most of it..... I’ll never win that argument he just doesn’t see my job of caring for our children and enabling his career of an equal measure, which is one of our main issues in our marriage anyway. I’m tired of arguing and hope he will stick to this agreement. I’ve been advised to fill in a form that prevents him from selling the house from under me and when we sell to make sure that the Conveyancing solicitor has in writing the agreed split and that if DH changes his mind they are to hold the equity until an agreement is made... which should hopefully stop a last minute change. Thank you all for your comments and help. Despite our differences he is a great dad and I will do everything I can to ensure they maintain a relationship. I know first hand how important that is as my own dad suddenly stopped all visits when I was around 12 ( parents split when I was 5) with no explanation and although I have an amazing step father I never did understand how a dad could abandon his children.

OP posts:

Sashkin · 07/11/2019 23:12

Good, OP, I’m glad things are calming down. Hopefully he will be a bit more reasonable for the sake of the children.

StormTreader · 12/11/2019 11:00

" he feels the house and all the equity is his as he paid for most of it"

They always do, totally ignoring the fact that they've only been able to do that because you've spent all your time and effort constantly arranging the rest of the world around them so they are free to go to the job that makes that money.

Ss770640 · 13/12/2019 19:13

Finances and children are two seperate issues.

It is in children's interests to see their dad as much as mum.

Neither parent gets to "specify" how much time children are "allowed" with the other.

Wallywobbles · 13/12/2019 19:25

Lawyer lawyer lawyer. And a good one. Not the first one you meet.

Pearl001 · 21/03/2026 22:15

Nighowl · 07/11/2019 22:35

Yes sashkin saw a solicitor today. Dh has calmed down and has agreed back to 60/40 split of equity and we’ve agreed days. He did apologise for last week too. However then went on to say he blamed me totally for the break down of our marriage and that he feels the house and all the equity is his as he paid for most of it..... I’ll never win that argument he just doesn’t see my job of caring for our children and enabling his career of an equal measure, which is one of our main issues in our marriage anyway. I’m tired of arguing and hope he will stick to this agreement. I’ve been advised to fill in a form that prevents him from selling the house from under me and when we sell to make sure that the Conveyancing solicitor has in writing the agreed split and that if DH changes his mind they are to hold the equity until an agreement is made... which should hopefully stop a last minute change. Thank you all for your comments and help. Despite our differences he is a great dad and I will do everything I can to ensure they maintain a relationship. I know first hand how important that is as my own dad suddenly stopped all visits when I was around 12 ( parents split when I was 5) with no explanation and although I have an amazing step father I never did understand how a dad could abandon his children.

Hi Nighowl, I hope you don’t mind me reaching out.
I came across your post and it really resonated with me, as I feel I may be heading into a very similar situation at the moment.
If you’re comfortable sharing, I just wanted to ask how things worked out for you in the end, particularly around the childcare arrangements and whether you remained the primary carer.
I completely understand if you’d prefer not to revisit it, but I would really appreciate any insight if you’re open to it.
Thank you so much in advance.