Husband now wants 50/50 childcare

[Nighowl]

He’s just sent me a text from work saying he wants the kids 50/50 and to split equity 45/55. I presently do all childcare and work part time hours around school. He earns massively more than me. 4x more. We had agreed on 60/40 split of equity with him having kids one day a week and every other weekend. I’m going to suggest 2 nights a week plus every other weekend but still 60/40 on equity.... is this fair? I’ve had a massive career break I’m earning less than I did before children and basically starting over.... I cant get enough of a mortgage to buy even on the 60/40 split but hoping that will change in a couple of years but will need to subsidise my wages with money from the sale of the house for the next few years.

Hi Nighowl, really sorry your going through this. lots of good advice on here. I have been in similar situation e.g. ex-husband saying that ‘I left him’ (not the case), sticks to this narrative today, it is solely to manage his image to others, and a good line to spin the kids.
One of the hardest things about my own situation is that I just could not get it through my head that the father of my children could do that to me, or that people could be like that. But they can, and you need to think as clear as you can, and see him as someone who you need to protect your interest from, as he does not have your best interests in mind (which says a lot about him, not you). Don’t agree to anything – verbally or via email, get a good lawyer, and make sure you get his pension contributions disclosed as you will be entitled to half of that. My lawyer was rubbish really, not good at providing information and they charge you for everything, so keep advice to a minimum and work out what you want so you don’t keep having to ask for advice. If your ex is anything like mine, he will start ramping up the pressure on you now, wanting things agreed and finalised while you are still getting your head around it all, as it’s a good tactic.

Like others I suspect the 50/50 is about CM, but if he is a high earner you need to be flexible and available, you can’t do that with 50/50 and it might not work out. Just don’t agree and let him fight it out. Don’t let him threaten and push you around. Thankfully my ex did not want 50/50.
As for his line about; if you hadn’t met me you would have nothing’, if he hadn’t met you, he would not have a family, and the sacrifices you have made to build that. Some only see value in money and material things which to them are ‘something’. Not the demanding daily work you have put in which is ‘nothing’. My ex was like this, they only value material things.
Take good care of yourself, get some time to yourself when you can, relate can be useful to talk through feelings. You will come through this, life will get back on track and though anyone would rather not have to go through this , you will be much stronger and wiser for it.

Include all historic loss to earnings, pension impact, future impact to career. Record all contribution made to (children's) family life, including wifework admin

This.

He’s trying to get out of paying child maintenance. He’s the one being unfair. He’s trying to totally overlook your contribution of labour to the family and HIS career.

You need to stop listening to what he is saying. He is not bothered about your fairness .

You need to find your inner anger. He is fighting you need to.

Why shouldn't child care be 50/50? Are you thinking of what's best for the child or thinking about what's best for your pocket?

This frustrates me so much, greedy people expecting everything even when the relationship is over!

have you been contributing fully to the mortgage? Again why are you entitled to 60/40?

@Butterflyone12e

Great deal of projection coming from your post & most readers would suspect you are the OP's husband.
It's clear that you haven't read the OP's posts properly , lack empathy and analytical skills.
The OP has done ?95/5 split of childcare during her marriage; why after divorce should we imagine the exDH will suddenly be happy to do 50/50? He hasn't been willing before.

@katielilly I'm not the OP husband. I'm just fed up of every one on MN expecting a free ride. When a women decides to have a child, they should realise that at some point they may be solely responsible for that child.

She has done the majority of the child care because she decided to reduce her hours at work. Clearly it was financially beneficial for her not to work and her husband to work.

This is just a typical MN post where the women scorned expects just because she has a child with a man that they should be paying for everything until the child reaches adulthood.

A free ride 😂😂😂

Yes, but the point is it's not ALL about the children. They come first, obviously, but you're entitled to be treated fairly as well. You say he earns 4x more than you, and you need to house yourself at least as well as be does. Check out Rightmove in your area, identify a suitable property and work out how much mortgage you can afford. Say a 3 bed semi costs £250k (obviously depending on where you live). If you can get a £100k mortgage on your wages, you'd need to fund a deposit of £150k. That money comes from the sale of your current house.

He'd be able to get a mortgage of £300k-£400k so he doesn't need as much deposit as you. Remember that potentially he could be earning his massive wages for the rest of his working life (67 atm), and you won't get any of that.

Is he a good dad? If so, why not. What suits the kids trumps the fact you want them with you all the time.

I'm not saying agree to 50/50 but if he wants to step up let him and compromise.

I guess part of the reason why he earns more because he works more/has had the opportunity to progress his career - you can do the same.

Why do men do this??

Because they see the children as just another of their possessions.

When a women decides to have a child, they should realise that at some point they may be solely responsible for that child

Bullshit. This totally absolves men from any responsibility. Shame on you

I think it's telling having just read through this thread that the only person to actually ask if the ex is a good father was the previous poster.

None of you think in terms of the child's best interests, which is very disappointing

To clarify I meant letsplaydarts rather than the misandrist who posted directly before me

@Awaywiththepiskies No it doesn't. A mother could also walk away from their child and put parental responsibility onto the father but that's unlikely to happen.

He sounds like a shit. Please stop engaging with him and proceed via a solicitor. You need a 50 50 split as a minimum in your favour.
Pp was right stop trying to be nice and get some security for your kids.

What defines a "good father?"

To me that means an involved hands-on father, who treats their mother with respect and doesn't seek to shirk his responsibilities. I don't see any evidence of that from the OP's posts.

• their children's mother with respect.

@IsItBetter - clearly being a good father to some posters is putting the needs of the mother both financial and emotional before the relationship with his children.

@katelilly - you say a good father is hands-on. Surely this is him trying to be.

As a mother you still have the responsibility to be financially responsible for your DC's. You also need to realise that's it's not just you calling the shots - there are kids involved and people forget that. Its not just a battle over cash.

See a solicitor.
How exactly is he planning on delivering 50/50 childcare? Is he going to give up his job?

It's very emotional for all involved and from my own experience and lots of my friends who have had similar experience-this seems a common initial response in this sort of situation. 50/50 childcare was bandied about at the beginning in our case.
My exh couldn't have provided as much child care as I did due to his job. (I worked almost full time but with flexible hours and local-choices I'd made to look after the kids but to the detriment of my one career). It's ended up with him having 3 nights a week and me 4-weekends are split (one full one each a month, half and half on the other two). I also pick up the nights he can't do-fairly frequents due to his work and also tbh his social life).
That was realistic and reflective of the choices we'd both made around the kids.
House equity starts at 50/50 and works backwards from there taking into account earnings out of the home, work in it, potential to earn, who the resident parent is etc etc...

Pp are right when they say don't consider what seems fair and decent in your own view or be swayed by emotion in any of it. I did that at first but then certain things came to light that made me realise that acting that way wasn't going to secure a fair outcome for me and also that exh certainly wasn't thinking that way! People change dramatically when money gets involved. Sad but true.

Definitely seek legal advice and be robust regarding what you want to happen. And think long term as well as short term if you can.

And yes mine was like yours op-blamed the marriage split on me despite years of us both being unhappy-because I was the one who was first brave enough to actually say it. He played the wounded victim to everyone we knew and got lots of people on side-until it emerged that he'd actually been having an affair with my then best friend for at least 18 months that her now ex husband and I know about-and I suspect a bit longer.
He still tries that narrative about the end of our marriage but it doesn't wash with quite as many people as it did before (and those who still choose to believe it clearly aren't very bright and so no real loss to me).
My point is learn to ignore and shut down that version of events. I'd started to believe it and the guilt of it was leading me to accept things (legal and financial) that were not fair at all.

OP I think you need to remember that the split of when the children are with each parent is nothing to do with the split of the marital asserts. It is a completely separate. Even if you have 50;50 you both need to adequately house the DC.

I have a friend who was completely shafted by a last minute 50/50 offer. He'd ground her down, she gave in. Fast forward a couple
Of years, she's beyond skint. He doesn't have to pay a penny in CM, she works part time as no other childcare back up, he works full time and packs the kids off to his parents for his 50% share. Be wary. Very wary.

Exactly frazzled. At one point I remember my ex saying he would get a nanny for his portion of the childcare. I was assured that no court in the land would ever let that fly, and I assume that's what his solicitor said to him in the end as well.

It's bloody stressful and I feel for you OP.

Go to a solicitor and get them to go for the maximum, on the expectation that HIS solicitor will then negotiate that down to a fair amount.
Don't start by selling yourself short because the'll try and clip that down even further which is exactly what he's now trying to do.

This is your future and your childrens future you're deciding here, go for what the solicitor advises you you are entitled to expect, and then worry about being "fair" later once you are not at risk of not having a home for them and you!

I’ve never said DH is a bad Dad, in fact he’s a great Dad. But the fact remains that I have been the main caregiver throughout our children’s lives. I’m the one they come to when upset, hurt or poorly. I’m the one they come to first thing in the morning or if they wake scared. I think to suddenly go 50/50 will be a difficult transition for them both, especially my daughter who is literally my shadow. I do think the spilt may even do their relationship with their dad a lot of good and they will become closer. Butterflyone I’m not being greedy, I’m trying to secure a home for me and my children and a financially stable one too. Of course I have contributed to the mortgage, we have been together 17 years and had 4 homes together, gradually increasing our equity. Before children we went 50/50 on all bills. Once we had children we both decided ( not just me for a free ride) that it made financial sense that I stayed at home, to look after the children. I did cleaning jobs around nursery self employed so I could help out more money wise. As soon as the youngest started school I got part time work and secured hours to be able to cover the childcare. So I don’t think I’m greedy at all I’m 100% entitled to at least half the equity and as I’m earning so much less I thought a 60/40 split was a fair offer as it left him able to buy somewhere with a mortgage even though it still left me unable to buy. If you think I’m getting a free ride you’re very much mistaken, I’ve worked hard throughout our marriage.
Thank you to all the constructive comments, it’s really help get things clearer in my head.