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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband now wants 50/50 childcare

115 replies

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 14:57

He’s just sent me a text from work saying he wants the kids 50/50 and to split equity 45/55. I presently do all childcare and work part time hours around school. He earns massively more than me. 4x more. We had agreed on 60/40 split of equity with him having kids one day a week and every other weekend. I’m going to suggest 2 nights a week plus every other weekend but still 60/40 on equity.... is this fair? I’ve had a massive career break I’m earning less than I did before children and basically starting over.... I cant get enough of a mortgage to buy even on the 60/40 split but hoping that will change in a couple of years but will need to subsidise my wages with money from the sale of the house for the next few years.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 21:27

He's very bitter. Leave the discussion for lawyers, he is asking for 50/50 but it's clear he doesn't want the actual work of this just the lack of maintenance. Stay strong and document everything.

Original poster
Nighowl · 31/10/2019 21:36

Written everything said down. Am I wrong to say no to 50/50? Is that selfish? He says he’s doing it to help me. I need to get a lawyer don’t I? I’ve just had a quick half hour freebie session thought didn’t like the guy I saw will try and get an appt elsewhere.....

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 31/10/2019 21:51

He can't unwind the divorce settlement later if he decides to have the kids 50/50 e.g. 5 years from now. He's pulling your leg and just trying to frighten and hoodwink you. Stop trying to be "fair" and listen to your solicitor's advice.

PicsInRed · 31/10/2019 21:52

Stick to the childcare arrangements which suited this man just fine for years. Those are the stable, realistically feasible arrangements which are familiar to your children. No to 50/50 on that basis.

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2019 21:53

Yes get legal advice and yes put yourself first he is going to

KickAssAngel · 31/10/2019 22:06

And can he not see that keep life as consistent as possible for the DC is in their best interests? So him supporting you as their main carer for the next few years?

This is all about the money and he is talking complete crap that in court everything would go 50/50. It could do, but maintaining the status quo with you getting enough money to run a comfortable lifestyle is far more likely. That should be about what is best for his kids. He's putting money ahead of his kids. What a piece of shit.

ChaoticKate · 01/11/2019 04:55

Speak to a solicitor. The way you’re questioning yourself sounds like my sister who was in an abusive relationship for years before circumstances forced a break. He does not have your best interests at heart and is lying to you about having to pay back some of the settlement in future.

sofato5miles · 01/11/2019 05:11

Tell him you are instructing a solicitor and all discussion of settlement and contact are to go through them. He is realising his lack of input will cost him and wants to bully you.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/11/2019 05:26

This man is not your friend. He is not even your DCs friend because he doesn’t care about their interests. In fact it doesn’t seem like he has thought about their interests.

Lawyer up.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/11/2019 05:30

Don’t try and be amicable, he’s not. Just get a lawyer ASAP and follow their advice not the rubbish your ex is spouting Flowers

Booboostwo · 01/11/2019 06:46

I also think that you need to speak through your lawyers and not engage with him directly. With regards to money it does sound like he it trying to take advantage of you and punish you for the divorce.

As for contact, I think you need to try to keep this issue separate. My exH did almost no childcare when we were together but has managed 50:50 since we split. Of course part of me thinks he was an arsehole not to do any parenting when we were a family , if he had done his share we may not have split. However, 50:50 also has a lot of advantages for everyone. The DCs see both parents for a substantial amount of time and on your week off you can socialize, pick up a hobby, do a sport, travel, work long days...whatever you want really.

stucknoue · 01/11/2019 06:58

Firstly your solicitor should write a counter letter but secondly you need to go full time at work, courts will allow him 50/50 and to use childcare possibly

Otter71 · 01/11/2019 07:46

He is talking rubbish about giving back equity cos you will get clean break on marital assets but maintenance can be reviewed after year. My ex suggested a 1 bed flat in the rough part of town as what I need despite needing to have my DD13 stay if not my adult son... And my having had a home with equity when we met. He is going on cos I negotiated 50/50 of total asset's not just the house (he kept all furniture, my classic etc. I left with two car loads of what he said I could have "and would want to take half of it to the tip but I would be living nearby". I got a bit more than 50 percent of house value as a result.

He wants 50/50 on childcare purely as that avoids child maintenance. That is separate. If the 10 yo lives with him and only one other child lives with you child maintenance would stop at that point but I can't see him doing it until da is old enough to be left and maintenance stops when child Ben should or at 19 regardless...

Original poster
Nighowl · 01/11/2019 08:05

Thanks for all your advise. Did not get to sleep till gone 5 this morning then up at half 6 ☹️ If he has them 50/50 I’m guessing I won’t get any maintenance at all? Despite the fact that my present working hours and job have been Arranged around doing all the childcare. He earns 4x my salary at present. Would we also have to split equity 50/50 or would my present situation be taken into consideration. I still need to provide a roof over my children’s heads. Obviously I will increase my hours or even change jobs but that’s not going to be straight away plus my job if I’m there I’m there I can’t work from home like he can.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 01/11/2019 08:12

Definitely get legal advice!

Quartz2208 · 01/11/2019 08:19

OP he is trying to bamboozle you. You don’t have to agree to anything and if you get proper legal advice nothing will be 50/50. This isn’t amicable now and he is trying to get what he wants from you and then run.

Starlight456 · 01/11/2019 08:23

Look he is interested in minimising any settlement . You do need to see a different solicitor . This man doesn’t care about you is not interested in fair .

namechanger0987 · 01/11/2019 08:37

Why do men do this??
I just don't get it. I always think the fairest thing to do is to make sure that the children maintain the same quality of life at both houses... why would you want your children to spend half their time in a lovely house and half their time in a shit hole? It's madness!
Don't get me wrong I know there are women who take the piss but if you have been in a committed marriage and built a life together for your children then your priority should be that those children have as little disruption as possible. It's so sad

Breathlessness · 01/11/2019 08:44

Please get a decent solicitor.

waterSpider · 01/11/2019 08:45

"We had agreed on 60/40 split of equity with him having kids one day a week and every other weekend."

That would be a very typical outcome, whatever the fairness of it.

waterSpider · 01/11/2019 08:48

Oh, and remember to add in the value of pensions!

At age 50, with a professional job, my pension is worth more than my equity. Need to look at ALL assets -- 55% of the equity without looking at other finances could be less than half the total assets.

Everytimeref · 01/11/2019 08:51

Divorce settlements are based on "need", I wouldn't get hung up on percentages. You will both need a similar size property and the equity will need to split to achieve this.
You won't receive extra assets to compensate for "your loss of earning". If your stbx is earning much more than you (when you have maximise your earning) you might be entitled to spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance.

Original poster
Nighowl · 01/11/2019 09:24

@namechanger0987 this was exactly how I though and I’ve been trying to work to that because I want the kids to be happy in both homes, but he’s of the opinion I’m trying to fleece him for every penny and that anything other than 50/50 is unfair

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/11/2019 09:25

OP you need the legal system to deal with this now

Princesspaperbag · 01/11/2019 09:56

Op I would be following your solicitor’s advice and going for more than 60 /40 for assets.

As your dc are school aged and he can work from home the 50 50 is a real possibility and will likely leave you badly off financially and not just because of the loss of maintenance ...., How will the 50 50 be arranged and how will you pay for childcare when you have your children if you increase your work hours? (which you may have to do to increase your income).