Husband now wants 50/50 childcare

[Nighowl]

He’s just sent me a text from work saying he wants the kids 50/50 and to split equity 45/55. I presently do all childcare and work part time hours around school. He earns massively more than me. 4x more. We had agreed on 60/40 split of equity with him having kids one day a week and every other weekend. I’m going to suggest 2 nights a week plus every other weekend but still 60/40 on equity.... is this fair? I’ve had a massive career break I’m earning less than I did before children and basically starting over.... I cant get enough of a mortgage to buy even on the 60/40 split but hoping that will change in a couple of years but will need to subsidise my wages with money from the sale of the house for the next few years.

Any court will put the children first, not an adult, and children have the right to stay in the family home. You don't have to sell it. You really really need to get a solicitor you like and go in with a fighting spirit, none of this being fair bollocks. He's not concerned about fairness, you know what you've done for the family and finances, and if you're worried about what anyone else is going to think, stop it - who gives a fuck? Do what's right for you and your children. Stop considering him, he's an ex.

The biggest issue is that 50/50 is now considered the best case option, being able to stay in the family home until a set date is a possibility, another option is a spousal maintenance order on top of child support but the default is you should be looking to find full time work. I'm in different (kids older) but similar in that we decided for me to stay home and he now is complaining I stayed home and he's paying me spousal maintenance (autistic young adult, still needs care!)

I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay the costs of our present home. If DH gets 50/50 child care I guess that wouldnt be able to happen anyway

Even if you didn't have kids, you'd still be entitled to a fair share of the pie, which doesn't necessarily mean an equal share. Bearing in mind the fact that he earns so much more than you, a court is likely to award you substantially more than 50% of the equity.

And kids don't necessarily want to be shared out 50/50 as though they were a jar of sweeties. They like and need stability, based in one parent's house (usually the mother).

OP there's quite alot of misinformation on this thread e.g. there is no right to stay in the family home. See a solicitor. Get a local recommendation. Sounds like you are in this for the haul.

Singlenot single my thoughts exactly. When I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 he then said he would only have them one week day and every other weekend. I suggested a Monday so it could be tagged onto his weekend on his weekend week, so the kids aren’t going back and forth. He said no way as that would mean him having them every Sunday night ( I suggested a 6pm pick up) and that would ruin his weekends! I was go smacked as he was laughing saying I was trying to spoil his weekends, when actually that hadn’t crossed my mind.... it just seemed silly for him to have them the weekend then they come back to me for a day then back to him! How is that in their interest? Just don’t get what’s going on in his head! I’d happily have them every Sunday night why would that spoil my weekend?

no way as that would mean him having them every Sunday night ( I suggested a 6pm pick up) and that would ruin his weekends!

@nighowl Given that he's said this, and that you both agreed that it made sense for you to be the main caregiver - childcare and household work - I think he should have to explain what he's planning to do for childcare for his 50% of the time.

Is he simply going to buy in childcare and keep working, his high salary (earned on the back of your work & support) enabling him to buy in care and keep on earning?

While you are tied to part-time & school hours work, earning far less, and virtually nothing for a pension.

Get a cut throat solicitor, and set a high bar - 70/30% division of marital assets. Negotiate down if you must but not below 60/40. And REMEMBER his pension. It's part yours too.

He could only ear what he earned (a lot) and be a parent because you earned what you earned (not a lot).

He says that he has arranged it with work that he will be able to look after them. Not sure if this is true or not though....

Op I have just been through this exact situation. I had been with my DH for 15 years. Childhood sweethearts. Him a high earner, me leaving full time work to work part time when we had kids. I did the bulk of the childcare, housework, life admin and everything else whilst working two days a week earning what he referred to as “pocket money”. I turned down various opportunities at work as he didn’t want the children in any sort of childcare nor did he want to worry about school runs/nativities/sick days etc etc. I’m not slating him a we both agreed to this lifestyle choice whilst the kids were little. What I didn’t anticipate was My exdh suddenly announcing he was unhappy and leaving me (magically meeting the new love of his life about a week later at work...lucky ). He was very keen we split everything 50:50 in terms of finance and not so keen on 50:50 in terms of the kids. I was distraught at the time and nearly agreed to this however my dad insisted I seek legal advice. Turns out 50:50 in terms of finance was wholly unfair given my lack of earnings, the restrictions on my career, ability to get a mortgage, pensions etc etc. So we tried to negotiate a fairer deal including some element of spousal maintenance. Suddenly he announced he wanted 50:50 split in terms of the children. There was no discussion about this - his solicitor announced it in a financial hearing at court. He was basically trying to avoid maintenance. There was no way he could ACTUALLY do 50:50 childcare. He was struggling to do the days he already had having to swap and change plans, juggling work, forgetting to pick the kids up and leaving them with various people whilst he worked. I tried my hardest to get him to see sense and to think of all the years we had been together, what was right for the kids etc but by then he was blinkered. The gloves were off and to quote him I was no longer his problem. So, I got the best solicitor I could afford and i faught him. In court the judge awarded me the house outright as I had no means of securing housing that wouldn’t mean financially incapacitating myself. I couldn’t buy him out and he has the ability to buy a house with his ongoing wages. The judge said it was clear cut. He also didn’t get 50:50 for the children as the priority was routine and security for the kids - not being passed about to avoid child maintenance. I may sound bitter but the reason I wanted to reply was to tell you to NOT back down. Thank god my dad made me fight him as I would be now screwed if not. Don’t forget you looking after the children enabled him to have his career and earnings. You have contributed to everything he has. Good luck xxxx

Thank you sherbetdip1. Did it take long to get to court and was it very expensive? DH said to me a few weeks ago not to bother seeing a solicitor as they will just say I should try to get all of the house equity and we’d end up spending loads of it on solicitor fees and that he’d make sure we were all ok? 🤔 Doesn’t seem that bothered about that now though.

I was speaking to a financial advisor recently (getting help to make best use of money from my divorce settlement) and she was telling me how many women give up fighting for a fair settlement and end up with far less than they are entitled to, especially if they’ve been married for a long period.

They don’t take good legal advice and end up with far less than they should in order not to rock the boat.

Try not to be that person. Your husband is no longer on your side despite what he may say. I know how hard that is to come to terms with

You need a decent lawyer on your side who will ensure a fair outcome for you and your children.

Don’t overlook the value of any pensions - they are potentially worth a lot of money.

Your husband doesn’t get to decide how the marital assets are split (and that includes pensions). My ExH also said he would make sure I was ok and we didn’t need to waste money on lawyers. He didn’t stay Mr Nice Guy for long!

The thing I learnt most during the whole process was to stop worrying about the small details and what he does or doesn’t promise.

We never got to court but came to an agreement trough a private financial hearing where a judge gives his view on the outcome should you end up in court. It was quicker and cheaper this way.

You really need to see a family solicitor. Yes, it costs money. Where there’s plenty of equity in the house and he earns so much more than your solicitor will pay for themselves through the improved settlement you’ll get.

It’s one of those things you never hear. “I wish I hadn’t gotten expert legal advice.” If you see a specialist they should be able to give you a rough idea of what the court would award. If it’s along the lines of what your ex is currently offering then you’ll only have lost the cost of the appointment. Take all the info you can including the amount of equity in your home (check local property prices), details of savings and pension plans.

Ditto MardiBras. Funnily enough the judge and my solicitor though I should have roughly 2.5x what my ex first suggested. I would have accepted a lot less to avoid the drawn out legal stuff but my ex wouldn’t give an inch.

He is completely taking the piss and trying to bully you into a crap financial settlement.

You need a GOOD family solicitor.

DH said to me a few weeks ago not to bother seeing a solicitor as they will just say I should try to get all of the house equity and we’d end up spending loads of it on solicitor fees and that he’d make sure we were all ok

He is NOT your friend. Don't listen to anything he suggests.

Get an SHL **

**MN-speak for "Shit Hot Lawyer" I'm sure various people could DM you suggestions.

Of course he advised you not to see a solicitor. It's not in his interest for you to. Make it a priority Monday morning to ring a few and find one you like.

Blumin heck OP. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone on MN as much in need of a SHL as you. You really are the most in need.

I’ve name changed, so I can tell you some figures and you can weigh it against your own. I’m a step mum btw, and so that should usually put me in the pro-father camp!

At the time of separation, my OH had 3xDCs aged 4,6,7. My OH was earning £60k and ExW was earning £30k and rising (having recently returned to work)

She kept the family home and they liquidated joint investments so he had some cash - it worked out he had around 30% of their “equity”.

He has the DCs EOWeekend and a night or two in the week. He pays £200pcm in spousal maintenance and around £600pcm in CM, all agreed out of court, but solicitor advised. He loves the DC v v much, but as you’ve described, it will always be their DM they want first if they’re ill, a bad dream, want to tell a success and it was right to weight it that way.

It did cost circa £10k in Sols fees.

I don’t think 50 50 childcare is unreasonable as long as the children are older (not babies/preschoolers of course) and the children are happy to do so. I think a lot of fathers genuinely want to maintain a relationship with them and worry that will become every other weekend dads upon divorce and then the dc will lose their interest in seeing them. Imagine being a full time working mother and then only seeing your own children every other weekend and one night a week- that would be very worrying for me!!

So that can be a genuine fear and I don’t think it’s always just about getting out of paying maintenance.

However he is being very unkind and disrespectful by saying you should squish into a 2 bedroom flat, that would undermine your relationship with your dc as that environment would not be in their best interests. So if he is being so unreasonable in this respect do not agree to a lower financial split. You should be adequately housed and should not have to sleep in the living room as he can afford to help you house the children fairly.

You mention he was self employed
If that’s still the case he can probably screw you on maintenance anyway
Go for the biggest percentage you can get from the house / pensions just in case he doesn’t get 50 /50 and then decides to screw you over by being self employed and getting his CS down to 0

DH said to me a few weeks ago not to bother seeing a solicitor as they will just say I should try to get all of the house equity and we’d end up spending loads of it on solicitor fees

Hahaha yes good idea, don’t see a solicitor, far better for him if you just agree to give him all your marital assets and you and the kids can go and live in temporary accommodation somewhere on income support while he stays in the house on his high income.

OP, you need to stop talking to him about this and you need to get a lawyer. He is clearly trying to screw you and the children over.

DH said to me a few weeks ago not to bother seeing a solicitor as they will just say I should try to get all of the house equity and we’d end up spending loads of it on solicitor fees and that he’d make sure we were all ok? 🤔 Doesn’t seem that bothered about that now though.

See a solicitor PLEASE! Your dh would tell you skies are green and trees are blue if he thought it meant he could give you less in this split. That is not thinking of the children in any way so he’s not a good dad.

Sounds like he only wants them to get more money out of it for himself. Have you been to citizens advice or looked for free advice lines? No point wasting your money on a solicitor if you don't need to, but I'm sure the court, with or without a solicitor on your side, can see he is being manipulative. And regardless of any 'blame' for the breakup they will have the children's interests at heart. I don't believe you should get nothing as you would have had nothing without him, that's rubbish. The court will likely involve cafcass if there is a disagreement on child arrangements in which case the kids will get a say in what they want, and the professionals involved will also have a view on what they believe is best for the kids regardless of their wants. Have you spoken to your children? I would suggest speaking to them together in an amicable way, explain you both still love them and with both always be there for them but not in the same house, and if you feel they are mature enough, ask how they feel about living arrangements, but make no promises, just assure them they will always see both parents. If this continues it could lead down the road of parent alienation which is awful! In some cases the other parents is ordered to pay the mortgage on the family home for X amount of years, so the resident parents can keep the home for the children, rather than monthly maintenance and a share of the house sale. You would be financially better off to keep the house, or your share of the proceeds in your main residence, as with a lump sum in the bank you will not receive any benefits to top up your income.
This is an awful situation, and a minefield. Please stay strong and do what you believe is right for your children. Divorce has such a massive impact on them, and to see their parents arguing and potentially lose their home etc too, is even more distressing. Don't let him bully you into what he wants. Good luck xxx

I'd stop trying to negotiate with him directly, he's not looking at what's best for the kids or you.

Tell him no more conversations about divorce settlements and childcare, it's to be handled by your respective legal representatives.

Hi, I won’t lie it was expensive and at times draining but my best advice would be to hand it over to your solicitor and make them earn their money. In the beginning I was distraught by the behaviour of this man who I had spent years with treating me almost like a customer at work in a deal negotiation. I was a mess and determined that surely we would sort it between our selves. One day my dad sat me down and said this is now a business deal. You are paying a solicitor to work on your behalf to get the best deal. If you were at work what would you do? You would seek advice, keep your head and get the best deal for you. Take the emotion out of it. Trust in the system - It is there for a reason. I know it’s hard. Weirdly I actually cried on the way hone from the hearing in which the judge awarded me the house as I felt bad for my exdh!!! I never wanted the whole house (and had offered him a share of the equity several times) but he got greedy and wanted more. He ended up with nothing - and yet I still felt bad. But again my dad (my saviour!) said do you think if this had gone in his favour he’d be crying in guilt for you? No way. It’s a shame but decisions you make now will affect you for years to come.

Can I just say also I have no issue with 50:50 child care if it genuinely benefits the children and it is feasible. But when it’s being used as a tool to avoid maintenance then I am dead against it. My children have a good relationship with their dad and I have never said a bad word against him to them. He is a good dad but he was unable to look after them 50:50. He also tired to convince the judge that his employer had agreed for him to work completely flexibly and that childcare was no issue. Luckily I had kept a log of every occasion that the kids were messed about (cancelling plans, forgetting to pick them up, rearranging last minute) and all the times they had to go to other people’s houses whilst daddy worked. Again, not maliciously, but I don’t see why they should be sat round his neighbours house for half the school holidays rather than be at home. I hope that makes sense.

My exdh truly believed that it was only my lifestyle that would have to change and not his. That he could shake my hand and walk away with his career, salary, pensions and house and not look back. The judge made it clear to him that just because he earns the money on paper doesn’t make it HIS money. We committed to a marriage and children and life decisions made with the expectation that that relationship would continue to both our benefit. You can’t just up and leave and take away the other persons future.

Get a solicitor, hand it to them, don’t engage with your exdh about anything to do with finances (please speak to my solicitor became my catch phrase) and start playing him at his own game. Sad but necessary. Good luck!!!

My XH also said not to bother with a solicitor and he'd "sort it out". How stupid did he think l was. His proposal left me and the dc homeless.

He was FURIOUS when l saw a solicitor..
.. l now own the family home