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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband now wants 50/50 childcare

115 replies

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 14:57

He’s just sent me a text from work saying he wants the kids 50/50 and to split equity 45/55. I presently do all childcare and work part time hours around school. He earns massively more than me. 4x more. We had agreed on 60/40 split of equity with him having kids one day a week and every other weekend. I’m going to suggest 2 nights a week plus every other weekend but still 60/40 on equity.... is this fair? I’ve had a massive career break I’m earning less than I did before children and basically starting over.... I cant get enough of a mortgage to buy even on the 60/40 split but hoping that will change in a couple of years but will need to subsidise my wages with money from the sale of the house for the next few years.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 31/10/2019 14:59

Seek legal advice.
It sounds like he has.
Either that or he’s listening to Phil at work telling him how he shouldn’t give you any more money than you deserve.
Also 60/40?? That doesn’t sound right if you’ve lost out on earning potential!

katielilly · 31/10/2019 15:03

The cynical part of me thinks this is so he doesn't have to pay any CM. If he truly wanted 50/50 he could have worked p/t too during your marriage.
You will have to see a solicitor pronto. I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to that in your scenario.

OhioOhioOhio · 31/10/2019 15:10

What katielilly said.

Original poster

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 15:43

My solicitor did say that I could prob get more than 60/40 but I was trying to be fair and keep things from getting bitter. I wanted him to be able to afford somewhere nice for him and the kids.... didn’t want to waste loads of money on solicitor fees etc....

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 31/10/2019 15:51

No, you stop 'trying to be fair' and listen to your solicitor, that's why you pay them. Fuck him off. He is doing this so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. FUCK 45/55. STOP engaging with him. 'This isn't a discussion I'm prepared to have anymore. Let's leave it to professionals.'

jay55 · 31/10/2019 15:52

Stop trying to be nice and fair and start being realistic about what you need to start over.

madcatladyforever · 31/10/2019 16:00

Don't try to be fair OP, I tried to be fair and got properly fucked in the settlement.
Think like a man and go in for the kill. Fairness has no part in this scenario. See a solicitor and get every penny.
Your ex isn't being fair. He is trying to take you to the cleaners and using the kids to do it.

KickAssAngel · 31/10/2019 16:06

So he's deliberately trying to make sure that whenever the kids are with you their house is massively smaller/less nice etc. ie, he's knowingly trying to put his kids into a poorer environment and make you struggle.

That's not fair on your kids. Put them first. Ensure a good home for them with you as well as him.

Don't think about him - think about how much support your kids need,

Funny how he was happy to leave you doing everything until he had to start paying for it.

spongedog · 31/10/2019 16:11

It will be about maintenance. Brought in on the quiet c 2012. No proper consultation with any groups that would be affected. Family courts are very happy to uphold this so go for assets instead. Include all historic loss to earnings, pension impact, future impact to career. Record all contribution made to (children's) family life, including wifework admin. Be very grateful you have time to think about this - my legal team failed to even let me know about the change and to suggest strategies to mitigate.

OhioOhioOhio · 31/10/2019 16:17

Do court's really recognise wife work?

BobLemon · 31/10/2019 16:18

Funny how he was happy to leave you doing everything until he had to start paying for it.

^^ this!

Is this a clean break situation, or will you receive maintenance? My OH was only earning 2X what is spouse was and still pays spousal maintenance on top of CM.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 16:22

Fair is balancing out your reduction in income, the harm to your career and all the work you are going to do raising the children and he isn't. Do you really think he's going to suddenly start being an active parent for 50% of the time?

Brakebackcyclebot · 31/10/2019 16:26

Please go back to your solicitor and do not agree to anything over text or without taking advice.

Also split of assets and ongoing child maintenance are separate issues. Maintenance for children can be worked out using the Child Maintenance Calculator online - to give a MINIMUM figure.

Brakebackcyclebot · 31/10/2019 16:27

Is this a clean break situation, or will you receive maintenance?

I think this is misleading. Clean break refers to the agreement you come to in your divorce settlement around splitting assets. Maintenance for children is a separate thing. It is ongoing, and is worked out using the non-resident partner's income and any other children.

FarAwaySheep · 31/10/2019 16:32

Please stop trying to be nice. He is trying his best to screw you over.

Original poster

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 18:50

Sponge dog I dint follow what you’re saying? What does this mean:

brought in on the quiet c 2012. No proper consultation with any groups that would be affected. Family courts are very happy to uphold this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 18:55

I just don’t see how he’d do 50/50 at the moment anyway. He’s saying I’m being unfair in wanting 60/40. Told me I should buy a 2 bed flat and I sleep in the lounge if I can’t afford anything bigger. He’s very good at twisting anything I say round. I will speak to him tonight to make it clear I will not accept that arrangement.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 19:01

I bet he's not planning to sleep on a sofa bet in the lounge, cheeky budget.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 19:02

Bugger - my spellcheck is more polite than me. Does he have someone else?

Original poster

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 19:47

No no one else.... we’ve just had a lot of bad luck and been unable to get on it’s a long story. But three years of being unhappy we decided it was enough.... well he kinda pushed me into saying it and I’m now the bad guy as I wAs the one that actually said the words, but I feel like he pushed me there so as not to have to take the blame himself and can say oh she ended it..... it would take ages to explain but alot of gaslighting and making massive decisions that effect us all without speaking to me first.

OP posts:

Frankola · 31/10/2019 20:43

This 50 50 suggestion will be that he then wont need to pay you maintenance.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2019 20:48

I'd be very wary of any further discussion without a lawyers advice. Don't assume he doesn't have someone else, plenty of men like to shift the blame when they are behaving badly. Good luck.

RolytheRhino · 31/10/2019 20:49

Agree with PP- instruct your solicitor to go for as much as they think you'll realistically be able to get.

Original poster

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 21:21

So discussed it tonight- I said no to 50/50 childcare but suggested 2 week nights so 60/40 childcare. He said no that in that case he’d only do one mid week night. He then said that if our eldest ( ds 10) later decides he wants to live with him maintenance will be halved and i have to pay back some of the equity from our house ( presently working on 60/40) he said if it went to court he’d get 50% childcare as his job can now work around school hours on the days he needs to. So basically he gets the kids half the time gets half the equity and im left with not being able to afford anything and living on breadline. He also said that as he was self employed for 8 years and worked from home he did 50% of the childcare over that time. He really did not , yes he did help when he could but he was running a business and if I wasn’t at home we’d have had to pay for childcare as he was away at least 1-2 days a week. He said on that basis I shouldn’t get more than 50% of equity. Plus he also said if I hadn’t met him I’d have nothing right now so I’m lucky to get anything! I’m so upset I can’t hear the thought of not seeing my kids even one night a week, I do everything for them my life revolves around them. He basically said I only want them so he has to pay me and I get more out of the house.....

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2019 21:24

Follow your legal advice all vets are off amicable has gone get what you are entitled to

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