Kindness of strangers will end my marriage

[maggie5103]

Hi all. I’m looking for some guidance on what is a good marriage - for years I’ve been plodding along thinking this is just how it is for everyone. However now as my children are getting older and I have more time to think, I’m reevaluating on what is acceptable or not. We only have one life and I don’t want to waste what’s left.

This morning I was struggling with two kids on scooters and my shopping bag split it’s contents on the ground. An elderly man stopped to help me - gave me a spare bag he put everything in for me and was just so nice. I don’t know what happened then but I started crying snots and all and the poor man had to whip out tissues. I mumbled thanks thanks and said you’re so kind I’m so tired never get help blah blah and he said if you’re husband doesn’t see how tired you are and what wonderful kids you have he’s a dog... anyway I managed to pull myself together thanked him - he gave me a hug and I went on with the kids to school. Then I went to work and parked it all til now. I’m now home kids are not in my face and I’m in weird form - I need to get my thoughts on paper and get some experienced input so I can clarify my feelings.

My story is met my husband 22 years ago in college. Married 14 years. Three fab children. Two high powered jobs but once kids came along I stepped back happily to part time - I love being here for the kids. Husband powered on. My background is lower middle class family made good - close family of sisters brothers parents who help each other out. His background is private school educated wealthy enough family (nanny etc) distant busy parents. What attracted me to him originally was he was outgoing, socially conscious, physically fit and motivated and he seemed so interested in life and social causes etc. But over the years I’ve found that I bitten my lip so many times over his attitude and lack of kindness that I actually now have a scarred indent in my bottom lip. There’s been so many things - they’ve just added and added on to each other that for some reason I’ve decided today I can’t take much more or anymore. Examples would be that he was away with work all week arrived home last night (he never tells me what time he’s back despite numerous arguments ) - he rang me whilst I was on a soccer run and first q was “what’s for dinner “ not how are you or where are you or even where are the kids just where’s my dinner ... I arrived home and he’s made himself something to eat left the kitchen in a mess and gone out cycling .. he arrived home v late went to bed. Up this morning early he left kitchen in mess and went for a run - arrives in as I’m trying to get three kids ready for school. I asked him could he take youngest two as my knee was sore and they wanted to scoot- school is on his way to train. He looked at me and said “you can’t ask me that now at such late notice I’ve to get a shower and get to work you work part time ITS YOUR JOB to get her to school. I bit my lip because kids were watching. I said nothing but limped over To dishwasher and started loading it. Everyone got ready he appeared said goodbye to everyone and left- five mins later I left . I can’t drive at moment with my knee and I needed to get food in shop so I took a painkiller and went to shops where I met this lovely man who helped me. This is just a tiny example of many many other unkind unfeeling things he does. He’s a good dad - he is hands on with them when he’s around. He’s a shit partner though - I do everything - I even tax and insure his car etc. his attitude to marriage and family seems to mirror his own family’s - go to work, do your hobby, meet your friends and if you have spare time then the kids - he doesn’t even visit his own family / parents. For years I have kept my head down and just got in with things for the kids and sort of ..how would I describe it .. taken a deep breath and got on with things. I’m not depressed and an generally a happy person. I have friends , a loving family , food work colleagues and I live in a nice community - lovely neighbors etc. I just have a husband who doesn’t love me. We have sex infrequently - he controls that - he told me before that nobody wants to be intimate with a moany cow - basically anytime I complained about his lack of care or thought he would sleep in a separate room. I don’t feel sad or overwhelmed - I think I’m angry. Another memory has just hit me - one of my Older male Neighbour’s asked me what I was doing cutting the hedge with toddlers at my feet and I was like oh I don’t mind it and I’ve made sure they’re safe so he said no absolutely not and he did it for me. . But I did mind - but how could I explain that if I asked husband to do it or even organize someone to do t - the hassle t would cause.

My question is - I look around and I see so many women doing everything just getting on. I just assumed that’s the way men are - but it’s Not is it? I do see some men dropping kids to school , I do see some men cutting their own hedges and making dinners. I feel like I’m in the 1950s.

It sounds like you’ve been putting your feelings to one side for far too long. He sounds awful, I’m sorry. I was married to someone similar and decided enough was enough and left him. Life really is too short to be married to such an arsehole 💐

And no that’s certainly not how all men are! I’m now remarried to an incredibly kind man who puts me first and is the first to just get on with whatever needs to be done

Decent men don’t treat their partner and DC like this.

Thank you. I want to get my mojo back. I’m sick of been treated like an invisible house maid by someone whose supposed to have my back. I would never have got married if I’d known that it’s another name for modern day slavery. I realize now I’m very angry. Seething in fact. I wouldn’t treat anybody the way he treats me. I’m now going upstairs to move his stuff to the spare room- he wouldn’t do it himself because it’s not in his job spec.

I remember a few incidents that were lightbulb moments, seeing my sister in law and brother interact, it was just normal as they talked about how to fix a phone. I had a controlling H so he would refuse to work with me. I would have to give him the phone or he would sulk. Another incident was someone laughing as they talked about fun conversations with their husband, that made me realise I didn't laugh like that as any joke would be perceived as berating or belittling him.

Sadly these men don't change and often get worse. He seems to tolerate you as you would a nanny or housekeeper.

Separating will be difficult as they usually like to punish their spouse for leaving. If there are assets look to get as many details as you can before discussing leaving. Plan your exit and prepare family and friends who may assume you have the perfect life.

It has been very difficult getting away and I am still recovering but I am much more relaxed and happier as a result. I wish I never had to deal with him again.

Suggest seeking counselling for yourself, and legal advice. Your H sounds like someone who will behave even more nastily if he thinks you plan to change things or end the relationship.

Before you make any moves you should consider seeing a divorce lawyer to get advice on what you need to best provide for you and the kids.

He might move assets if he gets a whiff of what you're planning.

It's a shame he didn't take you seriously but now your anger is spurring you on make the most of it and build the best future for yourself without him. Good luck.

Well he’s got it all hasn’t he? And if you put your POV forward, he has a way to punish you.
Op this isn’t marriage, and it’s not how a good person behaves.

You’ve put yourself on the back burner for way too long. You deserve love and attention, and to have your needs met.

I would let him know exactly how you feel. He can either pull his weight or leave. That might sound drastic, but do you want your children growing up thinking this is how relationships are? Let them see you choose happiness.

Best of luck with it all op.

There’s nothing wrong with having a marriage such as you describe, but at the basis of it must be kindness. Recognition from both of you that the other is loving and supportive of the other one.

Being taken for granted and treated like an object is the end really. Being told you’re a ‘moany cow’? No.

Time for a change, I think. What would you tell a friend to do in your position?

You shouldn’t have to live like this and deserve better.

Not all men are like this.

My DH works away, long haul. As soon as he’s in the door he gets stuck right in and feels bad that I’ve been left to deal with everything on my own. We are a team. I work part time too and it’s tough juggling work and kids. It doesn’t sound like you’re a team. It sounds like you’re a one woman show!

Sounds like you have been bolted into reality. Kindness between partners, wanting the best for the other, wanting to make the other person happy is the norm. But God knows, I understand exactly what you are feeling today, I have been there - the sharp realisation that my life was not normal, it wasn't normal to be mean to your partner and I also got there by observing other people and couples.

I'm sorry you have experienced unkindness for so long, but now you are in reality you have a chance to change things.

Good luck.

Thanks a million everyone. I’ve known for a long time that things aren’t right but then things get busy and you park it until you have more time. I’m mortified that I broke down in public and I’m shocked that brilliant old coper me has reached this stage. Super me ? How could this happen to me super organized me ? Because I’ve let it happen - act like a rug and you’ll be walked on. I won’t explode - I’ve arranged to meet a friend whose in family law and I’m going to get advice. I’ve also called my sister told her what’s happening (she always worries I would crash the car doing too much ) and we’re going to stay with her for the weekend. I’ve left him a curt note in his new bedroom “ this doormat and your off spring are away for the weekend. Though unfortunately this coincides with the rugby bbq that you kindly arranged for your mates in my home I’m sure you can explain our absence and find your way to the butcher.” I’m so determined ladies - When I was 18 I had no ambition to cause emotional distress to elderly people outside Tesco and I have two fantastic daughters and one son who I want to be more demanding than I am . I’m so mad 😡😡😡😡

You know it's not normal or ok.

I spent my life with assholes like this then met my dh. Last week I felt really down, I'm a struggling st home mum. He made me breakfast in bed every morning and a fancy dinner every evening.

There are men that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

And just before we head off he’s come in. Asked him just now can I ask you how you felt about this morning. What are you talking about he said. I said this morning when I asked for your help bringing kids to school and his response oh ffs I work hard all week and come back to this s* you are so aggressive and so rude”. We can’t discuss - it always gets turned back on me and I bite my lip. He’s now asking the kids where we’re off to. I’ve the car loaded and we’re off. My sister loves me - I know she has my back. Good evening ladies and thanks for listening - I have heard your advice and I will act.

Good for you OP

Take some time and look after you for once.

If you find yourself wondering if you would be able to cope on your own with the children, remember you are already coping without his love and support.

Is this how you want your children to think a spouse should be treated?

I was in a similar situation, have now been seperated for coming up to 18m and I am so much happier I can't tell you. Good luck with everything.

Sounds like you know in your heart that this is not right or good for you. I've been stuck in an unhappy marriage for years and would have continued had my husband not asked for a divorce. For that I am grateful as I feel happier already, even though I'm still living with him and I have no career anymore etc . I hadn't realised how sad and angry I really was until I noticed how much lighter I feel now. You have one life, would your younger self want you to be treated like this. No! Be brave and decide what you want.

That kind gentleman did you a bigger favour than he realised. Good on you for taking that moment of clarity and using it so promptly and positively.

Hes a prize nob. Marriage certainly doesnt have to be like this. I'm a SAHM and if my husband ever rang me and demanded to know what was for dinner before even saying anything else thered be hell to pay! He comes home on occasion to no dinner at all after his 12 hour shift because I've had a nightmare day with the kids... and so he will cook for both of us.
We have friends and we do go out alone with them sometmes but we know them all mutually and in the most part hang out with them together.
We are both quite messy but theres no expectation on me even though I'm a SAHM that I will be the one to clean up after him... I mean he does typical bloke stuff like leaving bits of paper and pens everywhere and not putting his washing actually in the basket and using about ten thousand coffee cups which he leaves scattered across the house... but he doesnt do it on purpose nor would he consider it my responsibility to clean up after him. I mean there've been times when I've had such a hard day with the baby that I've done literally nothing... like washing up is stacked up on every available space theres no clean washing, I've not got milk in.... and hes just silently sorted it without complaint because hes not a total bellend who thinks I'm some kind of maid 24/7 just because I'm not the breadwinner.
Hes not perfect, neither of us are, but I can say it's a romance... we are in love with one another... we want to be in each others company and do things together... and overall we are kind to each other.. that's at the base of it even if sometimes we are ratty or petty, no one has ever had my back more than him and I'd honestly do anything for him if he needed me to. Imo kindness and trust are the founding stones of a good marriage and if you dont gave those then that marriage needs assessing and maybe leaving.

Your marriage sounds really sad. You deserve better. You deserve to be with an actual romantic partner rather than just someone who treats you like hired help. You deserve warmth and compassion and consideration.

This is really empowering to read. You sound so strong and determined! 💪🏽 congratulations on starting a new chapter in your life. Don't look back. So glad you've got your sister and lovely children.

The kindness of that lovely man at the supermarket was so touching, the antithesis of your husband.

Enjoy your weekend with your sister and start making your exit plans. What I would say though, echoing a PP, men like this don’t take kindly to the doormat standing up for herself. Don’t give away any sign at home that you’re planning to end the marriage. Make copies of all your financial information and keep them at your sisters. I wouldn’t tell your kids at this stage until you have all your ducks in a row. He sounds like the type to hide assets and make life extremely difficult for you.

I’m sorry if that all sounds negative. You sound like a smart, strong super mum and there's a bright future for you without his influence. Make sure that you prioritise your physical and mental health. It’ll be tough, but you’ll get there.

Cor what a catch he sounds.

You're right--life's too short for that kind of treatment. Good luck.

Hope you're enjoying your time with your sister, OP.