Kindness of strangers will end my marriage

[maggie5103]

Hi all. I’m looking for some guidance on what is a good marriage - for years I’ve been plodding along thinking this is just how it is for everyone. However now as my children are getting older and I have more time to think, I’m reevaluating on what is acceptable or not. We only have one life and I don’t want to waste what’s left.

This morning I was struggling with two kids on scooters and my shopping bag split it’s contents on the ground. An elderly man stopped to help me - gave me a spare bag he put everything in for me and was just so nice. I don’t know what happened then but I started crying snots and all and the poor man had to whip out tissues. I mumbled thanks thanks and said you’re so kind I’m so tired never get help blah blah and he said if you’re husband doesn’t see how tired you are and what wonderful kids you have he’s a dog... anyway I managed to pull myself together thanked him - he gave me a hug and I went on with the kids to school. Then I went to work and parked it all til now. I’m now home kids are not in my face and I’m in weird form - I need to get my thoughts on paper and get some experienced input so I can clarify my feelings.

My story is met my husband 22 years ago in college. Married 14 years. Three fab children. Two high powered jobs but once kids came along I stepped back happily to part time - I love being here for the kids. Husband powered on. My background is lower middle class family made good - close family of sisters brothers parents who help each other out. His background is private school educated wealthy enough family (nanny etc) distant busy parents. What attracted me to him originally was he was outgoing, socially conscious, physically fit and motivated and he seemed so interested in life and social causes etc. But over the years I’ve found that I bitten my lip so many times over his attitude and lack of kindness that I actually now have a scarred indent in my bottom lip. There’s been so many things - they’ve just added and added on to each other that for some reason I’ve decided today I can’t take much more or anymore. Examples would be that he was away with work all week arrived home last night (he never tells me what time he’s back despite numerous arguments ) - he rang me whilst I was on a soccer run and first q was “what’s for dinner “ not how are you or where are you or even where are the kids just where’s my dinner ... I arrived home and he’s made himself something to eat left the kitchen in a mess and gone out cycling .. he arrived home v late went to bed. Up this morning early he left kitchen in mess and went for a run - arrives in as I’m trying to get three kids ready for school. I asked him could he take youngest two as my knee was sore and they wanted to scoot- school is on his way to train. He looked at me and said “you can’t ask me that now at such late notice I’ve to get a shower and get to work you work part time ITS YOUR JOB to get her to school. I bit my lip because kids were watching. I said nothing but limped over To dishwasher and started loading it. Everyone got ready he appeared said goodbye to everyone and left- five mins later I left . I can’t drive at moment with my knee and I needed to get food in shop so I took a painkiller and went to shops where I met this lovely man who helped me. This is just a tiny example of many many other unkind unfeeling things he does. He’s a good dad - he is hands on with them when he’s around. He’s a shit partner though - I do everything - I even tax and insure his car etc. his attitude to marriage and family seems to mirror his own family’s - go to work, do your hobby, meet your friends and if you have spare time then the kids - he doesn’t even visit his own family / parents. For years I have kept my head down and just got in with things for the kids and sort of ..how would I describe it .. taken a deep breath and got on with things. I’m not depressed and an generally a happy person. I have friends , a loving family , food work colleagues and I live in a nice community - lovely neighbors etc. I just have a husband who doesn’t love me. We have sex infrequently - he controls that - he told me before that nobody wants to be intimate with a moany cow - basically anytime I complained about his lack of care or thought he would sleep in a separate room. I don’t feel sad or overwhelmed - I think I’m angry. Another memory has just hit me - one of my Older male Neighbour’s asked me what I was doing cutting the hedge with toddlers at my feet and I was like oh I don’t mind it and I’ve made sure they’re safe so he said no absolutely not and he did it for me. . But I did mind - but how could I explain that if I asked husband to do it or even organize someone to do t - the hassle t would cause.

My question is - I look around and I see so many women doing everything just getting on. I just assumed that’s the way men are - but it’s Not is it? I do see some men dropping kids to school , I do see some men cutting their own hedges and making dinners. I feel like I’m in the 1950s.

Decent men don’t treat their partner and DC like this

^
This

I've been with my DH for nearly 30 years. Our children have flown the nest and he still treats me like a princess.

Take your share of the house and put it yourself in trust for the children.He will take your name off and the could cancel the trust in the future.
Follow your solicitors advice as your H will not play nicely.

maggie5103 how you doing?

Hi Maggie, your marriage sounds very much like mine was although I was married to a passive aggressive so he wouldn't be outwardly rude, just stuck it to me constantly in ways he could deny. A team was him, his job, hobbies, social life. B team was me, childcare, domestics, house maintenance, pets, mental load and look to friends for my emotional needs to be met. Way uneven and me permanently in the down position.

Two things struck me in your post. How you have made a habit of 'biting your tongue' at his disengaged/selfish/rude behaviour and how it has spilled over your neighbour. It has to go somewhere doesn't it? Time to get out and live your authentic life. I went through hell with the divorce and recent round two in court regarding joint lives maintenance but could not be happier.

In response to your question no it isn't how it should be. It absolutely has to have some sort of equality of chores, domestics, child care as well as earning an income. You also absolutely need to have your emotional needs met, to feel loved and supported, for him to step in when you need it.

Need to qualify my comment about your neighbour. Meant the built up emotion leaked out over him.

New partner is also all the things that were missing in my husband so they are out there.

Just seen your posts about moving money etc. Just been through court and I can honestly say that they do ZERO about this kind of thing. My ex-husband blew a huge amount of money to prevent me getting it as a final settlement and no one batted an eyelid. Do what you need to do!

Huge well done for realising and deciding I get out. Don’t let him take the apartment and leave you with no where to live once the kids have left! You’ll be stuck paying high rent then.

You may not want the house but you need to access a percentage of the equity. I was so relieved to leave my first husband that I let him have pretty much everything. I was young with no dc. It put me back financially years, and in hindsight was a really stupid thing to do

I know that you just want 'out' but I'd recommend you talk to your solicitor about getting what's right and fair re a financial settlement.

OMG, it's like reading the story of my life. Almost 20 years of similar hell. My OH is from a completely different background, he is 20 years older than me and grew up in early sixties, his mum was a SAHM and catered for all their needs, so he has grown up to feel ok about calling and asking what's for dinner before asking how my day has been. It's normal behaviour and if god forbid my 15 year old DD and I ever go out for a day he will phone whilst we are trying to have a relaxing girlie day and ask what's for dinner too!
I am self employed and work all hours, he works 4 on 4 off and on his days off he cannot be disturbed as this is his time off and he is entitled to watch tv/browse internet, etc. When confronted his answer generally is, you chose to be self employed, it's your business, it's your problem.
I'm permanently exhausted but whenever I say I'm tired he just sighs and says stop moaning and get on with it like all other people do.
OP, just like you I've always done all admin and paperwork for the family, everything from banking to arranging new electricity providers. OH seems to have a weird phobia of phones, he simply prefers to leave it all to me.

I was on the verge of leaving several times before but, unlike you, I have no family here for emotional support (all my family are overseas) and no financial back up.

Well, couple of months ago I, like you, spat the dummy out, I simply had enough. Luckily, I'm slightly better off financially now than I've ever been and feel comfortable about making this decision. He is due to move out on 1st November and I simply cannot wait! I know it'll be really tough and I'm scared if I'll manage financially but at least my mental health will, hopefully, get better.

I'm not in a position to hire a lawyer, plus we don't have anything to divide (apart from debts 😂😂😂) but I will be watching your progress with interest as sooner or later we will still have to get a separation agreement with all details regarding children and finances agreed.

Huge good luck to you OP.

It does sound like he has checked out & has no respect or kindness for you .

I'm in a similar situation & trying to get out.

I had a lightbulb moment a couple of years ago- I went to stay with my elderly parents (dad has dementia). I came home & burst in to tears when I realised I'd had more support in a weekend from them than he'd given me in years. It was a horrible realisation.

Wishing you the best of luck Stay strong.

This thread is so familiar to my life. I left H 6 months ago & no regrets. Life is so much better, happy & fun, kids are flourishing away from his horrible temper.

What will you do with your wild & wonderful life? X

Hi all. Thanks for all the great posts and advice. It’s been a long week. I’m very tired today. Based on what I’ve read I have just changed my password to my phone and computer. I’ve been withdrawing cash like goodo and I’ve set up a new account (well my Dad has ) for my pay. I also prepaid kids school fees for two years out of the joint accounts l - I won’t be able to afford to pay them and pay bills on my own That will get oldest two through primary. Youngest is is great Non fee paying school - I couldn’t get older two in at time. From Jan i will be working 30 hours with an increase in pay with a view to gojng full time later. I have appt with solicitor on Monday and I have valuations for her and a list of shared assets. I’ll always have to work but if I could get share of house I could afford to buy a decent place close to my sisters. As to him - we arrived home Sunday place was a tip after bbq - he ignored me was all over kids so I left them to it. My sister was barely civil to him but he didn’t seem to notice - were all crazy emotional birds afrer all. Monday morning he announced he wants to go to Japan for the rugby this weekend ... did I want to come ? I was like eh what about the kids /school / work - he was like ah always an issue isn’t there you have a chance to get away and always an excuse ... and off he goes ... ffs I know he had no intention of bringing me because he knows it would not be my thing. He didn’t ask how my weekend was and I didn’t ask him about his. My sis took the kids size door off the hinges and stuffed it in her car along with their mothers day teapot and cups and some pics they’ve made i- that was funny. DS keeps asking why out kitchen door is gone. Husband didn’t ask me but asked DD where door was - she said she saw aunty Karen with it. Hmmm wonder is he pondering what the f are they doing with doors ?? He was away this week for TWT and arrived back Last night in great form because as he told kids “he’s off to the rugby “. The only conversation we’ve had is him asking me did I see his keys and him saying still sulking I see . Re rugby Isn’t it great to be able to get up go whenever you want and not have anything to worry about. Roll on Monday.

He's a charming sociopath isn't he? Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll get eaten by a Komodo dragon over in Japan celebrating rugby

That is NOT how all men are, even the "1950's sexist old fashioned" ones did the "traditionally male" tasks like ohhh.... CUTTING THE HEDGE!

He sounds fucking awful!

"My Dad was saying I should contact his parents - my children are their grandchildren after all and see if they’ll help." DO NOT do this. My now ex in laws are lovely people but their loyalty very much lies with their son!!

You need to play the long game and NOT risk giving him a heads up before you're organised.

"There is no cleverness you can come up with that a forensic accountant hasn't seen a thousand times before and no movement of money that can't be traced. If you do this before you clear it with your lawyer you will make her job much harder and can easily do irreparable damage to your legal position." This! My aunt IS a forensic accountant, she looks like a "wee auld wifey" at 4'11 and not at all glamorous, this has led to many underestimating her! She has seen it all! Money ALWAYS leaves a trail, always! And you could get your family members in trouble too, I'm talking criminal charges! Do NOT do a thing until you've had legal advice.

Hello OP, I hope you're making progress processing all of this and getting some peace. It sounds like it is deserved and long overdue.

I can't offer actual advice as not been through the same myself, but I would say that your kids will thank you for this. My parents were unhappy for the majority of their marriage and all my sister and I learnt was how not to be loved. Teaching them that your (and, by association, their) happiness matters is the best thing you can do for them.

I would echo the other posts about money. Don't assume you'll be able to hide that stuff from a forensic accountant. That said, I don't think the divorce process favours the reasonable so if you think your husband will be an arsehole then even though the execution is flawed in this particular instance, you've got the right idea in tooling up for battle. Just better to direct that into other areas perhaps. You mention he might have a secret bank account. Focus on finding that out. Do you know how much he earns including bonus/investments etc? You could easily work out if some is being siphoned off if you do.

Also, you mention not wanting any money for you from him, just for the kids. As others have said, don't sell yourself short. "Six-months'-time" you will be grateful for standing up for what you are entitled to. You've taken a career break to raise his children thereby enabling him to continue to succeed where you had to stop. He does not get to procreate and then have you shoulder the financial burden through your career having taken a back seat. He is successful, in part, because of you. Think of if a friend of yours suggested doing that - you'd set them straight quick sharp. Start from the assumption that everything is 50/50. It sounds like his "generosity of spirit" will ensure you will never get more than you deserve so stand up for yourself.

Good luck in your new life. Remember the George Eliot quote "It's never too late to be what you might have been". (Not sure if she meant that specifically about escaping arsehole ex-husbands, but it holds up I think 😜)

While he is away, try to find all the paperwork you will need going forward.

All the best op. I used to date a man with similar traits but now thankfully been married to a lovely man for 20 years. They are out there and you're doing amazingly well.

I’m glad you’ve done airings to thinking now you deserve everything and anything you can get. And school fees should be part of settlement that he should keep paying as well.

How are you doing op?

This thread is giving me hope!!

Can you get your groceries delivered, it will help you if you can't drive at the moment

If he is going to rugby alone

Do you get to have free time alone, kid free too ?

I’m so proud of you @maggie5103

In 24 days I am about to leave my STBXH - who has treated me very much like yours. I love your courage, and like me I know you will be so much happier in time. I look forward to living with mental ease and not a burning resentment at the gross lack of kindness and being taking for granted.

Please keep updating us - you are an inspiration to so many women who need to make this change

What a DH he is Dick Head that is!