Hi all. I’m looking for some guidance on what is a good marriage - for years I’ve been plodding along thinking this is just how it is for everyone. However now as my children are getting older and I have more time to think, I’m reevaluating on what is acceptable or not. We only have one life and I don’t want to waste what’s left.
This morning I was struggling with two kids on scooters and my shopping bag split it’s contents on the ground. An elderly man stopped to help me - gave me a spare bag he put everything in for me and was just so nice. I don’t know what happened then but I started crying snots and all and the poor man had to whip out tissues. I mumbled thanks thanks and said you’re so kind I’m so tired never get help blah blah and he said if you’re husband doesn’t see how tired you are and what wonderful kids you have he’s a dog... anyway I managed to pull myself together thanked him - he gave me a hug and I went on with the kids to school. Then I went to work and parked it all til now. I’m now home kids are not in my face and I’m in weird form - I need to get my thoughts on paper and get some experienced input so I can clarify my feelings.
My story is met my husband 22 years ago in college. Married 14 years. Three fab children. Two high powered jobs but once kids came along I stepped back happily to part time - I love being here for the kids. Husband powered on. My background is lower middle class family made good - close family of sisters brothers parents who help each other out. His background is private school educated wealthy enough family (nanny etc) distant busy parents. What attracted me to him originally was he was outgoing, socially conscious, physically fit and motivated and he seemed so interested in life and social causes etc. But over the years I’ve found that I bitten my lip so many times over his attitude and lack of kindness that I actually now have a scarred indent in my bottom lip. There’s been so many things - they’ve just added and added on to each other that for some reason I’ve decided today I can’t take much more or anymore. Examples would be that he was away with work all week arrived home last night (he never tells me what time he’s back despite numerous arguments ) - he rang me whilst I was on a soccer run and first q was “what’s for dinner “ not how are you or where are you or even where are the kids just where’s my dinner ... I arrived home and he’s made himself something to eat left the kitchen in a mess and gone out cycling .. he arrived home v late went to bed. Up this morning early he left kitchen in mess and went for a run - arrives in as I’m trying to get three kids ready for school. I asked him could he take youngest two as my knee was sore and they wanted to scoot- school is on his way to train. He looked at me and said “you can’t ask me that now at such late notice I’ve to get a shower and get to work you work part time ITS YOUR JOB to get her to school. I bit my lip because kids were watching. I said nothing but limped over To dishwasher and started loading it. Everyone got ready he appeared said goodbye to everyone and left- five mins later I left . I can’t drive at moment with my knee and I needed to get food in shop so I took a painkiller and went to shops where I met this lovely man who helped me. This is just a tiny example of many many other unkind unfeeling things he does. He’s a good dad - he is hands on with them when he’s around. He’s a shit partner though - I do everything - I even tax and insure his car etc. his attitude to marriage and family seems to mirror his own family’s - go to work, do your hobby, meet your friends and if you have spare time then the kids - he doesn’t even visit his own family / parents. For years I have kept my head down and just got in with things for the kids and sort of ..how would I describe it .. taken a deep breath and got on with things. I’m not depressed and an generally a happy person. I have friends , a loving family , food work colleagues and I live in a nice community - lovely neighbors etc. I just have a husband who doesn’t love me. We have sex infrequently - he controls that - he told me before that nobody wants to be intimate with a moany cow - basically anytime I complained about his lack of care or thought he would sleep in a separate room. I don’t feel sad or overwhelmed - I think I’m angry. Another memory has just hit me - one of my Older male Neighbour’s asked me what I was doing cutting the hedge with toddlers at my feet and I was like oh I don’t mind it and I’ve made sure they’re safe so he said no absolutely not and he did it for me. . But I did mind - but how could I explain that if I asked husband to do it or even organize someone to do t - the hassle t would cause.
My question is - I look around and I see so many women doing everything just getting on. I just assumed that’s the way men are - but it’s Not is it? I do see some men dropping kids to school , I do see some men cutting their own hedges and making dinners. I feel like I’m in the 1950s.