Kindness of strangers will end my marriage

[maggie5103]

Hi all. I’m looking for some guidance on what is a good marriage - for years I’ve been plodding along thinking this is just how it is for everyone. However now as my children are getting older and I have more time to think, I’m reevaluating on what is acceptable or not. We only have one life and I don’t want to waste what’s left.

This morning I was struggling with two kids on scooters and my shopping bag split it’s contents on the ground. An elderly man stopped to help me - gave me a spare bag he put everything in for me and was just so nice. I don’t know what happened then but I started crying snots and all and the poor man had to whip out tissues. I mumbled thanks thanks and said you’re so kind I’m so tired never get help blah blah and he said if you’re husband doesn’t see how tired you are and what wonderful kids you have he’s a dog... anyway I managed to pull myself together thanked him - he gave me a hug and I went on with the kids to school. Then I went to work and parked it all til now. I’m now home kids are not in my face and I’m in weird form - I need to get my thoughts on paper and get some experienced input so I can clarify my feelings.

My story is met my husband 22 years ago in college. Married 14 years. Three fab children. Two high powered jobs but once kids came along I stepped back happily to part time - I love being here for the kids. Husband powered on. My background is lower middle class family made good - close family of sisters brothers parents who help each other out. His background is private school educated wealthy enough family (nanny etc) distant busy parents. What attracted me to him originally was he was outgoing, socially conscious, physically fit and motivated and he seemed so interested in life and social causes etc. But over the years I’ve found that I bitten my lip so many times over his attitude and lack of kindness that I actually now have a scarred indent in my bottom lip. There’s been so many things - they’ve just added and added on to each other that for some reason I’ve decided today I can’t take much more or anymore. Examples would be that he was away with work all week arrived home last night (he never tells me what time he’s back despite numerous arguments ) - he rang me whilst I was on a soccer run and first q was “what’s for dinner “ not how are you or where are you or even where are the kids just where’s my dinner ... I arrived home and he’s made himself something to eat left the kitchen in a mess and gone out cycling .. he arrived home v late went to bed. Up this morning early he left kitchen in mess and went for a run - arrives in as I’m trying to get three kids ready for school. I asked him could he take youngest two as my knee was sore and they wanted to scoot- school is on his way to train. He looked at me and said “you can’t ask me that now at such late notice I’ve to get a shower and get to work you work part time ITS YOUR JOB to get her to school. I bit my lip because kids were watching. I said nothing but limped over To dishwasher and started loading it. Everyone got ready he appeared said goodbye to everyone and left- five mins later I left . I can’t drive at moment with my knee and I needed to get food in shop so I took a painkiller and went to shops where I met this lovely man who helped me. This is just a tiny example of many many other unkind unfeeling things he does. He’s a good dad - he is hands on with them when he’s around. He’s a shit partner though - I do everything - I even tax and insure his car etc. his attitude to marriage and family seems to mirror his own family’s - go to work, do your hobby, meet your friends and if you have spare time then the kids - he doesn’t even visit his own family / parents. For years I have kept my head down and just got in with things for the kids and sort of ..how would I describe it .. taken a deep breath and got on with things. I’m not depressed and an generally a happy person. I have friends , a loving family , food work colleagues and I live in a nice community - lovely neighbors etc. I just have a husband who doesn’t love me. We have sex infrequently - he controls that - he told me before that nobody wants to be intimate with a moany cow - basically anytime I complained about his lack of care or thought he would sleep in a separate room. I don’t feel sad or overwhelmed - I think I’m angry. Another memory has just hit me - one of my Older male Neighbour’s asked me what I was doing cutting the hedge with toddlers at my feet and I was like oh I don’t mind it and I’ve made sure they’re safe so he said no absolutely not and he did it for me. . But I did mind - but how could I explain that if I asked husband to do it or even organize someone to do t - the hassle t would cause.

My question is - I look around and I see so many women doing everything just getting on. I just assumed that’s the way men are - but it’s Not is it? I do see some men dropping kids to school , I do see some men cutting their own hedges and making dinners. I feel like I’m in the 1950s.

Wow @maggie5103 this is so uplifting to read...what amazing strength. This will stand you in good stead. Sending you strength to find the life you so deserve as this is definitely not it. X

So glad you have family support. Of course more stuff will come out about what your family have seen over the years, but try not to get derailed by it.

Wishing you all the very best lass.

To be fair to your family, if they thought you were happy with him then why would they risk alienating you by starting a "he said" "she said" thing with you in the middle?

You need to focus on first and foremost getting a good lawyer before you say anything. Right now he's punishing you because you're just a disobedient dog to him. Your friend is right, he will become a right cunt, expect it. I've never seen a single one of these blokes be amicable because they're never wrong, they're narcs and are furious when what they see as their possession who should be worshipping their mighty peen doesn't toe the line.

Get back into FT work asap. These men will protract divorce to punish you. I've a mate who finally got a house sale he kept trying to put off - for 4 years. They'd been married for nearly 30 years and man, did he fuck her over (their children are adults).

Look to supporting yourself.

Do not try to hang onto the house, most courts favour 'clean breaks' and all assets sold/bought out/divided.

Good luck.

He's not a 'good dad', he's a cunt.

Can I just add that I found being a single parent a lot easier than being a parent with another person around. I made all the decisions and I didn't have to take anyone else into account and I had one less 'child' to look after. Piece of piss.

OP, what a brilliant thread. Thousands of women think it, you're actually doing it. Well done. No one should be allowed to make us feel so miserable. He sounds like an emotional bully. We're all rooting for you.

Anyway I started moving money online today right up to max - I’ve taken Monday off and I’m going to move money into my Sisters /mum dads accounts. My Dad says he’ll pretend he has dementia if he has to. My plan is to bet everything I can out of joint accounts - I’ll even make cash withdrawals make it look like I’m spending but give it to sis.

Do not do this before discussing it with whomever is going to represent you legally. Transferring money to family members and suspiciously large cash withdrawals will be seen as concealing joint assets before the divorce. That will look very bad indeed in court.

Agree worth others, don’t move money to your relatives, it will be found out and it will look very bad. If you need money for the dc or yourself then move it into an account for you, and be honest about it.

Also do not speak to his parents, like any parent they will be on his side.

Even my supposedly ‘nice’ exH became nasty once he realised how much of ‘his’ money I was due. Please be careful, and don’t give too much away before you get advice from your lawyer.

Don’t say anything to the in-laws.
I would be calm and show nothing do not say anything to him or anyone else.How much have the children heard,be careful.
Talk to the lawyer first.
Sometimes what is done is play for time .
Like you know your plan and you act on the plan gradually and systematically..
You are emptying the account but you would have done that over time he will go bonkers and this is where you will lose face.
You are doing the right thing.wish you hadn’t bottled this all up and spoke out .
Maybe there might have been a chance.

You must get advice first ,well done be strong for the sake of your children and prepare for a battle.

Don't communicate with the in-laws their loyalty is with their son however they come across to you. Well done you I'm rooting for you I'm so proud of you and I don't even know you x

Only take what's fair, not everything as it won't look good for you and will wipe out all the shit he's done.

It's not how my husband is so no I don't think it is normal. Mine has plenty of faults but he does his 50% of housework and childcare.

Do you love him and does he love you? Don't stay with him just for the practical advantages (if there are any) as you said you only get one life!

Plus if he doesn't want to sleep with you, I would be wondering who he is sleeping with. Doesn't sound the type to go without...

Wow @maggie5103 - reading your updates and I'm in awe. You've totally got this. And you have a fantastic family. You're so much richer than he will ever be.

I am sure you will be inspiring many other women reading this who are in a similar situation and will be gaining in strength by reading your resolve.

Good luck!

Re taking money, it is very common for husbands usually to go on a spending spree pre divorce and unless it impacts money for housingbcourts will do nothing.

I speak from experience and a barrister said she had presented wives where husband had blown £25k on the high life and nothing would be done. In my case Ex spent close to 30k and that was just my bad luck as he had access to the money whereas I didn't.

I wish I had known how vindictive these types were as I was totally unprepared for the onslaught fom a top legal team he involved, whereas I used a local amicable firm.

@maggie5103 - my XH was similar...but not quite as awful. Do not speak to the inlaws at this stage - you have no idea of their loyalties.

My family and friends also told me how they noticed how awful he was to me. Writ down the examples as you'll need them for the divorce. It will also serve as a reminder when you get doubts.

Keep all contact in writing so he can't gaslight. Any conversations, record on your phone for the same reason. This is so so important.

Don't let him walk all over you childcare wise. He needs to have the children EOW from now on

S... the money thing is worrying. I’m not going to touch the main joint account that he feeds - over the years I’ve set up savings plans for kids for me etc and I transfer half of own salary into another account. My mother always told me to have my own money. I think I’ll do cash withdrawals and if I’m asked just say I’ve spent it on shoes and f it face creams whatever. My friend C has given me the name of a Rottweiler family lawyer - ex magic circle and ex of a similar wanker so im hoping she knows how to handle him. I’m cowed by him I just realized. He made me feel stupid and i was so much better then him early career and in college but I don’t know I just seemed to lose my mojo. I don’t care I’m moving the cash - but I’ll be clever about it. I’m sure he has some hidden account - he has a couple expensive bikes but I’ve never seen their cost hit the main account. And if he is sleeping with someone good luck to them - it will make a divorce petition easier. I doubt he is though as I’d have to organize t for him. He’s very concerned about his standing with employer and field he’s in - My sis says I can use that. Threaten that in some way to get a clean break.🤔 I don’t want the house - I’ve spent so many nights looking at the ceiling on my own It sometimes feel like a prison. I’ll take the door with me that has the kids heights marked on it. And some mugs and a tea pot the kids made - god that’s it from 22 years. Rambling again. Thanks everyone for your advice. Haven’t had one text or call or anything from him - not even to say night night to the kids. Rugby I’d say - I might be lucky - he might disappear over to that at some stage but he won’t tell me until he’s on the way. Grrhhhhhhhhhh

Maggie: just be careful in case he checks your browsing history- if the shit hits the fan you don't want him reading this.

Good luck, you deserve a better life than this.

Best to delete this thread OP. Good luck for the future

Soon you will realise how much better it is without having to think about him. When I separated & moved in to my own place, the first night ds & I were snuggled up on the sofa eating pizza & watching television it felt like a massive weight had lifted from my shoulders. I went to bed at the same time as ds, put the television on, read a book, something I hadn't done for years because he always moaned that he wanted to go to sleep, later I wanted a hot drink, it was great to be able to go downstairs & make on without expecting him to moan & grumble. It didnt matter that we hadn't much money, I had got my freedom.

I don’t care I’m moving the cash - but I’ll be clever about it.

There is no cleverness you can come up with that a forensic accountant hasn't seen a thousand times before and no movement of money that can't be traced. If you do this before you clear it with your lawyer you will make her job much harder and can easily do irreparable damage to your legal position.

My friend C has given me the name of a Rottweiler family lawyer - ex magic circle and ex of a similar wanker so im hoping she knows how to handle him.

Aggressive representation is fine, but ultimately you'll have to agree to some sort of financial settlement the court will approve. Lawyers with reputations as Rottweilers or Bull Dogs or sharks or rabid wolverines can also drag out the process goaded on by the anger of the parties to the case and wind up with a huge part of the marital assets gone to legal fees, which add up rapidly at 400 quid an hour or more.

Just food for thought from someone who's been through it.

OP - do not sell yourself short. Divorce starts at 50/50. You will both have to fill in Form E which will want a list of all financial matters...and bank statements for the last 12months. These statements and movement of money can be questioned by either solicitor.

Also any assets will need to be listed...like his bikes.

Pension CETV will need to be sought. Any ISA or savings accounts will need to be declared.

Try and find out as much as you can before he knows. Do an Experian check on him...l found out my XH had racked up the credit cards

@maggie5103 you may be aware of this but just in case, I urge you to change all your passwords now. You may not think he knows any of them but he actually might. Change them to something he won’t guess at all and even change your 4-digit PIN codes on any relevant cards or accounts.