Kindness of strangers will end my marriage

[maggie5103]

Hi all. I’m looking for some guidance on what is a good marriage - for years I’ve been plodding along thinking this is just how it is for everyone. However now as my children are getting older and I have more time to think, I’m reevaluating on what is acceptable or not. We only have one life and I don’t want to waste what’s left.

This morning I was struggling with two kids on scooters and my shopping bag split it’s contents on the ground. An elderly man stopped to help me - gave me a spare bag he put everything in for me and was just so nice. I don’t know what happened then but I started crying snots and all and the poor man had to whip out tissues. I mumbled thanks thanks and said you’re so kind I’m so tired never get help blah blah and he said if you’re husband doesn’t see how tired you are and what wonderful kids you have he’s a dog... anyway I managed to pull myself together thanked him - he gave me a hug and I went on with the kids to school. Then I went to work and parked it all til now. I’m now home kids are not in my face and I’m in weird form - I need to get my thoughts on paper and get some experienced input so I can clarify my feelings.

My story is met my husband 22 years ago in college. Married 14 years. Three fab children. Two high powered jobs but once kids came along I stepped back happily to part time - I love being here for the kids. Husband powered on. My background is lower middle class family made good - close family of sisters brothers parents who help each other out. His background is private school educated wealthy enough family (nanny etc) distant busy parents. What attracted me to him originally was he was outgoing, socially conscious, physically fit and motivated and he seemed so interested in life and social causes etc. But over the years I’ve found that I bitten my lip so many times over his attitude and lack of kindness that I actually now have a scarred indent in my bottom lip. There’s been so many things - they’ve just added and added on to each other that for some reason I’ve decided today I can’t take much more or anymore. Examples would be that he was away with work all week arrived home last night (he never tells me what time he’s back despite numerous arguments ) - he rang me whilst I was on a soccer run and first q was “what’s for dinner “ not how are you or where are you or even where are the kids just where’s my dinner ... I arrived home and he’s made himself something to eat left the kitchen in a mess and gone out cycling .. he arrived home v late went to bed. Up this morning early he left kitchen in mess and went for a run - arrives in as I’m trying to get three kids ready for school. I asked him could he take youngest two as my knee was sore and they wanted to scoot- school is on his way to train. He looked at me and said “you can’t ask me that now at such late notice I’ve to get a shower and get to work you work part time ITS YOUR JOB to get her to school. I bit my lip because kids were watching. I said nothing but limped over To dishwasher and started loading it. Everyone got ready he appeared said goodbye to everyone and left- five mins later I left . I can’t drive at moment with my knee and I needed to get food in shop so I took a painkiller and went to shops where I met this lovely man who helped me. This is just a tiny example of many many other unkind unfeeling things he does. He’s a good dad - he is hands on with them when he’s around. He’s a shit partner though - I do everything - I even tax and insure his car etc. his attitude to marriage and family seems to mirror his own family’s - go to work, do your hobby, meet your friends and if you have spare time then the kids - he doesn’t even visit his own family / parents. For years I have kept my head down and just got in with things for the kids and sort of ..how would I describe it .. taken a deep breath and got on with things. I’m not depressed and an generally a happy person. I have friends , a loving family , food work colleagues and I live in a nice community - lovely neighbors etc. I just have a husband who doesn’t love me. We have sex infrequently - he controls that - he told me before that nobody wants to be intimate with a moany cow - basically anytime I complained about his lack of care or thought he would sleep in a separate room. I don’t feel sad or overwhelmed - I think I’m angry. Another memory has just hit me - one of my Older male Neighbour’s asked me what I was doing cutting the hedge with toddlers at my feet and I was like oh I don’t mind it and I’ve made sure they’re safe so he said no absolutely not and he did it for me. . But I did mind - but how could I explain that if I asked husband to do it or even organize someone to do t - the hassle t would cause.

My question is - I look around and I see so many women doing everything just getting on. I just assumed that’s the way men are - but it’s Not is it? I do see some men dropping kids to school , I do see some men cutting their own hedges and making dinners. I feel like I’m in the 1950s.

Very sad to read.

If he is from an affluent background and had a nanny and someone paid to do their housework then he doesn’t appreciate the tiredness and hard work that goes into these things.

I would either leave him or

I would let him hire a cleaner and a nanny and go back to work full time.

But aside from that, you seem to feel dismissed in other part s of the relationship including intimacy. It sounds very sad.

You do need to change something OP you can’t continue to live like this

Hope you’re enjoying your weekend

There are decent, kind men out there.

No advice, just wanted to offer some support. Leaving will be hard but in a few months you'll feel like a whole new person without him.

Hope you're ok OP. You deserve so much more than this.

He has treated you like a slave.

You deserve to be cherished.

X

OP, welcome to the rest of your life. Seriously, who needs that shit.

There is some excellent advice on here about how to protect yourself when you take control - documents to take/things to photocopy/the script he may follow.

You and your boys deserve better.

*sorry dcs, reading back you weren't specific, my bad.

Every single mum I ever spoke to about it said something very similar along the lines that it's hard being a single parent, but not as hard as living with an arsehole. I now find myself repeating the same, having thrown out my son's dad and going it alone myself. I'm glad you're (finally) angry. You are going to be ok.

*I would never have got married if I’d known that it’s another name for modern day slavery.

That's not the way it's supposed to be, OP, but your DH doesn't seem to realise it. As PP's have said, either start making your exit plans or if you want to give it another go, insist on hiring a cleaner and nanny, and head back to work full-time.

Personally, I don't know if I'd bother with the second option if he speaks to you so rudely.

So many of these men who are all noble about social causes seem to treat their own wives like shit.

I was a SAHM for a good few years and my DH worked away far too much. He was always super hands on when he was at home, trying to make up for lost time, eventually I told him we needed to see more of him and he made big changes to his career.

I bet you are gorgeous and a great mum to have all these lovely old gents running round after you. You deserve much better than your DH.

I’m tucked up in bed. Big sis and her very understanding husband are organizing my kids and theirs. I didn’t sleep much last night - there was no texts or calls from him. I’m going to meet a pal I knew once really well - she’s in family law or was - not sure. I was s but embarrassed contacting her as hadn’t seen her in awhile but once again someone was kind - she came back to me last night and said yes of course i’ll Meet you for lunch ... and of course big sis has told my mother and two sisters and I’m sure they’ll be over later. I want to tell people I want them to know - I think I need them to know so I can’t go back. I’m not sad - I’m just tired. I don’t love him he doesn’t love me - we love the kids. Money wise I’m lucky because he left everything to me so I know where everything is at. I’m rambling sorry. I was thinking about my parents last night and if their marriage impacted mine - they’re married over 60 years. Not a lovey dovey marriage more of a “let’s roll up our sleeves and get on with it” but my Dad contributed at home , brought us to school , washed dishes, made dinners - he didn’t just leave it all to Mum. They were more of a team - not much affection but they were a team. I’m not looking for romance or a new man - I think I want liberation. No there too strong a word - I want my head space back - my head or my soul has been b quiet and v tired for ages. You all sound so lovely - thank you. I had throughs swirling around my head and just didn’t want to load them on other women I know well they have dying parents and other stuff going on. I want to sort it myself quietly and then say to my world this is it no drama I’m moving on everything’s sorted - he really only sees the kids at weekends as it is (he’s away two or three weeks every month - I asked him about reducing hours /changing jobs and he said find me a job that pays the same and I’ll do it”. For the record it was never about the money - I never got to spend it anyway - and never needed to - I’m not into stuff or clothes and he only spends on bikes and stuff so I was never sure what it was for - he seems to driven to suceed for show with his school mates ). Sorry rambling. Thank you.

That's not a good dad.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Sorry to be practical but do get copies of your bank statements, investments, etc.
It's not even the lack of help - the cycling/running widow is often discussed on MN - but it's the lack of team work. Not calling when away, not telling you when he'll be back, not offering to get a gardener to do the hedge etc.
Have a lovely weekend with your family and friends.

To have all those people surround you with loving care only underlines what’s been missing.

Sounds like you have done the right thing op. You have a supportive family around you and are doing great

You'e doing amazing

Good job OP. Hope it's relatively drama free for you. You've given him opportunities. He just isn't a very nice man. I wouldn't stay with him either

Oh OP I have been there. I split with exh more than two years ago now and I too wondered where the feisty independent young woman I once was had gone? The answer was I was completely worn down by exh. I too have an indent in my bottom lip, that's something that really resonated with me.
What ended my marriage? I was rushing round moving furniture and pulling back carpets ready for a new central heating system to be installed. I was also cooking dinner and supervising homework whilst exh laid on the sofa (Sunday so had got out of bed at lunchtime and then taken root on the sofa)
I asked for help and his response "That's your job, I have no investment in this house" That was it the straw the camel's back.
The last two years have been liberating, the person I once was is back. Exh and I are amicable, me for my children's sake exh because he hopes I will one day ask him back. He doesn't grasp that because there is nobody new to replace him it doesn't mean he has a chance. The truth is there is nobody new because I never ever want to live with another man again and I like being me as I am now.
Sending you my very best wishes, it's good to read you have the love and support of your family and friends.

I am so happy for you .Really.It will be hard, even when it is what you want. But I am so glad that you have the option and the support around you.

I have a DH that worked away Mon - Fri . I did everything, ( yes to hedge cutting, !)mowing grass, all paperwork and driving teenagers around.All because I felt his high earning job stressed him out. Weekends home, he did NOTHING. Sat on couch, drinking, watching TV.

My reward? He had OL emotional affair
Cos he was lonely.And me ? I'm my late 50s , no career prospects and stuck financially.

You go ! And accept the kindness .Most people are happy to help someone if they can.
Best wishes to you .

Wow op, you are one impressive lady.
What you’ve done is brilliant.
Much power to you in this new phase of your life.
Come back on here if you need to offload at the next stage. X

This is an amazing thread to read. Go you! He is going to have the shock of his life. Don’t be surprised if he begs you to come back and vows to change. The problem is you have warned him and he didn’t listen. Now is your time...life is too short to waste on this man.

Not read the whole thread sorry - but just wanted to say I’ve recently separated and going through divorce, had you of asked me this time last year I would have said not a chance. But something just snapped I realised I did everything for the kids, you say he’s a hands on dad what does he actually do for them? I thought the same but when I actually thought about it he didn’t , and now he’s moved out sees them very infrequently and then blames me for it. We didn’t talk I organised everything and I also made allowances for him. Something that stood out for me very early on in our separation I went to my friends completely distraught, she has a young family a husband who works hard and I arrived early evening, her husband put kids to bed cooked their dinner offered me drinks etc and didn’t bat an eyelid. My STBEH would get grumpy if I expected him to look after his children when he’d been to work! (I also worked!) and today 8 months on I asked him if he wanted to see the young children for a couple of hours today his answer I’ve only just got up I’ve been on nights! He hasn’t seen them for over a week and won’t see them until next weekend at least. He can’t have the children (4) to stay altogether! I could go on and on! But the one thing I would say make sure your financially sorted and more importantly emotionally because he will more than likely try and break you because he won’t like it that you’ve found your back bone again! Good luck xx

He's very very far from a good dad.

Hi all. Thought I’d log in quickly to give an update. Met my friend C for lunch today. She told me I had to get back in house quick ... also said that her impression of D is that he will be difficult. She knows some of his school pals and says one in particular is a magic circle lawyer recently divorced and she thinks he’ll be whispering in Ds ear. She said she’s can’t act for me but gave me someone’s name. Anyway I started moving money online today right up to max - I’ve taken Monday off and I’m going to move money into my Sisters /mum dads accounts. My Dad says he’ll pretend he has dementia if he has to. My plan is to bet everything I can out of joint accounts - I’ll even make cash withdrawals make it look like I’m spending but give it to sis. The house is another thing - I asked if it’s possible we could put it in trust for kids and I just have a life interest in it etc but he has to agree. There’s quite a lot to think about. My Dad was saying I should contact his parents - my children are their grandchildren after all and see if they’ll help. He thinks they’re alright. So We’re going back tomorrow evening - my big sis is coming with us tomorrow with the excuse she has a doctors appointment. He goes off to work on Monday -
I’m down to banks and estate agent to get valuations sorted for house. I will hopefully have legal appt following week and agree plan. Then next weekend my sister is taking kids and I’m going to tell him it’s over and I want out. Put the house in trust for kids - I don’t want it - agree maintenance for kids - I don’t want any - agree he keeps an apartment we have and agree he moves out. If he doesn’t agree we will move into my parents and I will force sale of house apartment take half his pension share rights whatever .. i could tell you things my family told me today (we were all close
To blows because they were saying this and that about things they’d noticed or insults he’d said to them etc and i was mad that they’d never said it to me until now like wtf and then other big sis said something like “you wanted the big holidays that life’s “ and i was like wtf are you talking about BUT it sort of calmed down ) I feel bad about stressing my parents out but they calmed down as I did. So here I go