Stay at home mum getting divorced, need advice

[LittleMissMaghribi]

Hi everyone, I am possibly looking at the option of divorcing my husband and first need some advice.

I am a Moroccan national with Moroccan citizenship. I married my husband at the end of 2015 and we had 2 sons whilst I lived in Morocco.

My husband applied for a settlement visa for me which was granted this month and I am now in the UK.

I went to my cousins house rather than go to my husband, and I don't have any income, benefits, or job.

My husband has a job that brings in around £35,000 a year before tax.

He doesn't own a home and has about £15,000 in assets (mainly savings with about £4000 in stocks and shares) and about £10,000 of liabilities (mainly credit card debts), so a networth of about £5,000.

If I divorce him, will he be legally required to pay any of his salary to me during the divorce proceedings, so I can pay my own rent and expenses? And how about after divorce?

He also has a pension of about £20,000 if that makes a difference but is nowhere near retirement age (we are both early thirties).

After divorce, would he be required to share his salary with me and roughly how much do you think he would have to share?

My visa conditions state that I cannot claim benefits, so would not be entitled to government support, and I am not sure about if I would be able to find work. I have a degree in sociology but don't have a lot of work experience.

Since my sons have British nationality, I am looking at changing my visa to a parent visa, since I don't think I can stay on a settlement visa if we divorce. Would I be entitled to benefits?

Does anyone have experience of being the stay at home mum without an income during divorce and were you entitled to some of your husbands salary in the divorce proceedings (before and after), and was it enough to live on without additional income from benefits or work?

Please let me know your experiences in how the finances might work out in such a situation. I am a bit stressed. We are not really getting on at the moment and I need a plan B for how I can live if we can't live together going forwards.

Also, we are not currently living together. I am staying with a relative. Am I better off living with him and does that increase my rights during a divorce if we share a house? in the case of a divorce, if we are renting a property, does it matter who's name is on the rental documents, and would he be the one required to leave or me if he pays the rent, and would he still need to pay the rent for me and our sons even if he moved out?

Please let me know what my rights and responsibilities are.

Thank you for your help.

Could the constant threats of cancelling my visa etc be considered abuse

I doubt it would be seen as abuse in and of itself - he could easily defend it as delivering facts to you about the immigration implication of divorce. However, if it was said to you following other abuse and you telling him that his behaviour was unacceptable and you may have to leave him (i.e him threatening to deport you as retribution for you attempting to stop other abuse and to forcibly keep you in an abusive marriage) it may be able to be taken as part of an abusive pattern of conduct.

You really need to speak to a good solicitor and also ans immigration advisor. This will not be a case/application you can succeed on by yourself.

Hi Op, firstly if you are now separated you need to look at a child maintenance claim through the CMS, although this will take into consideration that he has other children as well so might not be more than about £200 per month.

Even an evening job would help? How old are your children? If you are living with relatives at the moment once the kids are in bed you could look at some time of bar work / shop work for extra money?
When will your children start school?

London is expensive cost of living wise so you might be best placed looking at other places for the long term to live as it would be cheaper.

You talk about translation / interpreting work, this could be an ideal work from
Home career however you need qualifications to be able to do this. One of my family earns around 50k a year as an interpreter, working from home. She is very good at what she does and has all the relevant qualifications.

Spousal maintenance wise you would not qualify and your ex does not earn enough by any stretch of the imagination

That's not a threat. It's a fact. If you begin divorce proceedings he will have to notify them of the change in your situation.

@fedup21

Exactly.

The police, CMS etc are not here to plaster over bad life choices.

OP needs to look at all her options and being a kept woman does not sound like one.

Honestly, OP, I doubt very much that your husband would be arrested over threatening you over your visa.

Your best bet is to go to a good immigration lawyer sooner rather than later - to be brutally honest, living with family instead of your husband is a huge red flag if the Home Office find out. Your status here is already under threat - they can and do accuse people of sham marriages in such situations.

You haven't answered whether your children actually have British citizenship, rather than just being entitled to it. If you haven't sorted that, that should be a priority.

If you want recommendations of excellent immigration lawyers in London, feel free to pm me.

OP needs to look at all her options and being a kept woman does not sound like one.
She has two children of pre-school age, and in London is probably looking at least at around £2.5K / month for full-time childcare. She won't qualify for the free hours, tax credits, tax free childcare or child benefits, the restriction is on the resident parent's nationality, even if the children themselves are British.
She'll only start breaking even (after rent and bills - and she can't avail of social housing either, she has to pay the full market rent) on a salary of around £70K.
I bet that the majority of posters shaming her for not working were SAHMs until their children were of secondary school age, or enjoyed the majority of childcare costs being met through the welfare system, so have very little idea about the situation she's in.
She also cannot move back home without her ex's explicit permission, and she may not even be able to move out of London without it - internal relocation is currently viewed by family courts in the same way as international, if it inconveniences the father too much, it is not happening.
The combination of UK immigration and family laws is a well known trap for foreign spouses.

I bet that the majority of posters shaming her for not working were SAHMs until their children were of secondary school age, or enjoyed the majority of childcare costs being met through the welfare system

I have never been a SAHM not qualified for any childcare costs, so that’s not true here. I just feel that the OP is coming at this from the wrong angle-it’s all about trying to find out how she can get her husband done for abuse, what he is required to give her and what she can ‘get’. Asking us what decisions she should make to get the most out of him.

OP-have you contacted the citizens advice bureau? I think that’s probably a good place to start for advice.

Who is it you’re living with-is it your family and are you close? How long are they happy for you to stay there and are they financially supporting you currently?

There are no more tax credits for new claimants now, people. ALL new claims are UC. The OP does NOT qualify for them or anything else. You don't until you have permanent residency. The British father can apply for benefits on behalf of the British children (who may or may not be subject to residency requirements) but the OP cannot.

It's folly to suggest staying here. He probably won't give a rat's arse if she takes the kids back.

@silvercuckoo

It’s irrelevant. She isn’t entitled. I’m talking about the facts of this thread, not theoretically. Well wishes won’t create an entitlement for OP that doesn’t currently exist.

For what it’s worth I don’t even get child benefit let alone the state support me...

You don’t work even though you say you could.
You have been in the UK for a month.
You have never lived together and he has never supported you.

You seem overly invested in how much you can get off him without doing anything for your self.

In the UK it wouldn’t matter financially if your husband was sleeping with 101 other women.
The financials are separate to reasons you want a divorce.

You have a piece of paper that says you are married but as you have never lived as man and wife I don’t think it is worth as much as you think.

If you are hoping for a big payout I think you are going to be severely disappointed.

Why didn’t you move in with your dh in the shared accommodation.

Also why don’t you get a job to help yourself.

No, silvercuckoo some of us have worked extensively in schools in economically-deprived areas and seen the incredible struggle some families have to survive on a daily basis.
Scrabbling for food, clothing and basic habitable homes. Unable to pay for heating, going hungry in the holidays when free school dinners aren’t available. Even harder for first generation immigrants.
For years.

My children have British Passports, so are British Nationals, but cannot pass on their nationality as they were born outside of the UK (it's called "British by Descent").

I am living with a cousin, they have not really been very close to us in the past. I am being supported by my father in Morocco who sends me money for me and my kids. He would not be able to send me enough to live independently. I also have siblings and they all have different situations, some studying abroad etc. I can only stay with my cousin temporarily.

I have thought about what some of the people here have suggested, and I think he may still be married to his "ex wife", however, they were never married by paper. I am his first and only ever legally married wife.

I also am sure that he does live in a shared accomodation and his children live with his "ex" in a different city, since during our marriage and applying for marriage certificates, nationality for my kids etc, I have seen various documents, plus we would regularly video call each other so I have seen where he was going. He told me he was visiting his kids but it's possible he was returning to his other wife.

His ex may possibly claim some sort of benefits. She works part time but from what people have said, I dont think they can live on this salary.

If so, would she have committed benefit fraud? could she be liable to prosecution? are they guilty of bigamy?

I know what people are saying regarding not taking revenge or trying to get the most out of him.

But him and his ex wife ruined my life, so I want to know what my options are at least to take revenge and also take as much financial support as I can get. I won't necessarily take these steps depending on how reasonable he is with me, but I want to fully explore all options and know where things stand legally, and then discuss with him and lay out the options and scenarios that could happen.

If nothing else, it might at least cause him to not screw my life up even more in divorce.

Working is difficult currently. My children are small. My family let me reside in their home, but they will not take care of my children whilst I work.

I have thought about what some of the people here have suggested, and I think he may still be married to his "ex wife", however, they were never married by paper. I am his first and only ever legally married wife

Somewhat confusing, but ok...if he was never married to her legally then she is not an ex wife, rather an ex partner. So bigamy has not taken place. You have already had it explained to you that if he is still having a relationship with her, therefore committing adultery, this has no bearing whatsoever on finances and anything you would be due to (which is nothing - only CM for your kids)

Next...he is living in a shared house and she has her own accommodation with part time job, so what benefit fraud do you think she might be committing? It’s not really any of your business.

You’ve also had it explained to you...many times...that on his earnings alone there would not be enough by any stretch of the imagination to support you fully in the country. The money simply does not exist. I don’t know how it could be more clearly explained to you. This is why you getting a job has been suggested.

You also say you want to explore all options legally - have you sought any legal advice?

You really are overly focussed on laying blame anywhere else you can and getting revenge. This is not helpful. Try to start helping yourself, get proper advice and attempt to see things more clearly.

.

I have thought about what some of the people here have suggested, and I think he may still be married to his "ex wife", however, they were never married by paper.

Being married ‘by paper’ is the only way of being married!

If so, would she have committed benefit fraud? could she be liable to prosecution? are they guilty of bigamy?

Stop. Stop with trying to get anyone convicted or charges with anything. This makes you sound like you aren’t thinking straight.

so I want to know what my options are at least to take revenge and also take as much financial support as I can get.

Go to the CAB.

Good lord. I'm beginning to see why he doesn't want to live with you

I have to say, you made the decision to move from your home and have two children with this man. That choice wasn’t anything to do with his ex girlfriend (as she was never his wife!), was it? You are starting to sound like you are a bit of a gold digger!

I might be wrong OP but I wonder if you were promised a life of luxury that hasn’t materialised and now you’re annoyed?

But him and his ex wife ruined my life

No they haven’t

You are the one who is ruining your life.

If you want to stay in the UK then you need a job.
Even if it is on minimum wage at the start. You can apply for CM from your husband, your df is sending a little money over which adds to your overall income and eventually you will need to look for a more long term place to stay and childcare.
You need to get off your backside and start dealing with the mess you have got yourself into instead of blaming everyone else and looking down your nose at perfectly good jobs.

You're grasping at straws OP. You've only been here a few weeks, you're here on a visa (which is temporary and if your status changes, your right to reside here is likely to change too). If you have a home in Morocco and a father will to support you, I would honestly go home. Britain is not the generous land of milk and honey that many people from other countries think it is. Our benefits are not generous - they provide subsistence living for those entitled to them (and people here on visas are not generally entitled to anything).

As for your DH, a man living in rented accommodation on £35k a year with no assets is not going to be able to provide you with what you want - a house, enough money to live on and raise your sons - seriously your options here aren't good. Whether your DH has lied to you, cheated on you, is still sleeping with his ex - all of that is irrelevant in the eyes of the law. You came here of your own free will. I'm sorry to say that the UK doesn't owe you anything.

Even if it is on minimum wage at the start.
And how is she going to pay for childcare for two under four out of min wage? The state would fully subsidise a British national mother, but in OP's case she is looking at between £2K and £3K just for childcare. Sometimes it feels like some people are living in a parallel universe.

Working is difficult currently. My children are small

Same for everyone. We work. Get a job.

I have a Moroccan relative who is in a very very similar situation, and had two children very quickly with a man who clearly had no interest in supporting her. She is now separated from him and living with in-laws, and desperate to come out. Her husband moved in with his girlfriend and stopped working so will not pay her a penny. She lives in another European country where she will probably manage to get a long term visa and access to some benefits, but she will have to look at very poorly paid jobs such as cleaning or childminding. She is also from a very pampered background. I give you the same advice as I gave her: swallow your pride and go home. There are plenty of divorced single mothers in Morocco and since your kids have been in the UK for such a short period, they might not be considered as habitual residents yet. You are looking at a very difficult life here and you probably won’t get a penny from your husband. This is not an unusual situation unfortunately, but it is the result of bad choices. My relative was lured by the promise of a pampered lifestyle in Europe, missed big red flags about her husband’s commitment and tried to lock him down with two kids he didn’t want. Time to draw a line and move on.

silvercuckoo I thought the relatives were going to offer childcare

OP, people on this site have given you really good advice. They have answered all your questions comprehensively , now you need to act.
You and you alone are responsible for your sons .
You need to stop trying to get revenge on your ex and please don't blame his ex partner , none of this is her fault !