Stay at home mum getting divorced, need advice

[LittleMissMaghribi]

Hi everyone, I am possibly looking at the option of divorcing my husband and first need some advice.

I am a Moroccan national with Moroccan citizenship. I married my husband at the end of 2015 and we had 2 sons whilst I lived in Morocco.

My husband applied for a settlement visa for me which was granted this month and I am now in the UK.

I went to my cousins house rather than go to my husband, and I don't have any income, benefits, or job.

My husband has a job that brings in around £35,000 a year before tax.

He doesn't own a home and has about £15,000 in assets (mainly savings with about £4000 in stocks and shares) and about £10,000 of liabilities (mainly credit card debts), so a networth of about £5,000.

If I divorce him, will he be legally required to pay any of his salary to me during the divorce proceedings, so I can pay my own rent and expenses? And how about after divorce?

He also has a pension of about £20,000 if that makes a difference but is nowhere near retirement age (we are both early thirties).

After divorce, would he be required to share his salary with me and roughly how much do you think he would have to share?

My visa conditions state that I cannot claim benefits, so would not be entitled to government support, and I am not sure about if I would be able to find work. I have a degree in sociology but don't have a lot of work experience.

Since my sons have British nationality, I am looking at changing my visa to a parent visa, since I don't think I can stay on a settlement visa if we divorce. Would I be entitled to benefits?

Does anyone have experience of being the stay at home mum without an income during divorce and were you entitled to some of your husbands salary in the divorce proceedings (before and after), and was it enough to live on without additional income from benefits or work?

Please let me know your experiences in how the finances might work out in such a situation. I am a bit stressed. We are not really getting on at the moment and I need a plan B for how I can live if we can't live together going forwards.

Also, we are not currently living together. I am staying with a relative. Am I better off living with him and does that increase my rights during a divorce if we share a house? in the case of a divorce, if we are renting a property, does it matter who's name is on the rental documents, and would he be the one required to leave or me if he pays the rent, and would he still need to pay the rent for me and our sons even if he moved out?

Please let me know what my rights and responsibilities are.

Thank you for your help.

There was no proof of any violence but there is a non-molestation order, how did that happen?

How have you lived together for 6 months if he’s not allowed to see you or visit the property?

It seemed so strange that you had no chance of any sort of spousal maintenance out of this man, but then suddenly a claim that he hit you appears (though there was no actual evidence) and then you get £2000 from a charity and legal aid!

Most people don’t get spousal maintenance. What makes you think you will?

I don't understand why you want to be in the UK? There is nothing for you here. Go back to Morocco, stay with your family until you get a job and can support yourself and your children. Your lawyer will work out the rest. Your kids need a loving home and stability - that's all that matters right now.

Such a prolonged attempt to engage as well....

Unfortunately many men go to various countries and get involved with women who sadly believe their stories. The U.K. taxpayers won’t pay for them, you need to go home.

What we are seeing as an entitled, snobby attitude on behalf of the OP is possibly more about just coming from a culture where women are taken care of and don’t have to have financial responsibilities. The expectation is that husbands are financially responsible for their wives as well as their children and women can sue men in court for not supporting them as it is considered abuse / neglect in some traditional legal systems.

I can see how someone raised in that culture could be angry that their DH is not providing for them and be unaware that in the UK and most other countries, women are independent and responsible for their own finances. Some women do rely financially on their husbands, especially during the time when children are small and childcare is expensive, but in general women are expected to support themselves through work, just as men are.

Women in the UK have fought long and hard to have equal employment opportunities to men and equal pay (even if it still doesn’t always work that way in reality) so old systems that protected women from financial responsibility don’t apply.

Anyway, the OP sounds well-educated and resourceful - to say the least - so should have no problem finding a job eventually once her kids are old enough to be in school and if she is willing to start at the bottom and work her way up as all foreigners have to do. I live abroad myself and had to get new qualifications to restart my career here and spent a number of years relying on my DH due to spousal visa working restrictions. It is a very vulnerable and scary situation to be in but sounds like the OP certainly knows how to work the system so she should be ok...

I’d be careful with your visa. I think you might be getting confused. A non molestation order is a civil order and proves no wrongdoing from your ex.

I’d urgently advise you to speak to an immigration specialist as you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. This order shows you are in breach of your conditions of being here and affords you non of the protection of domestic abuse victims.

For your sons sake speak to a specialist as soon as you can

Did you ever go to the citizens advice bureau?l @LittleMissMaghribi? What did they say?

I went to the citizens advice bearua, but it was really crowded and looked very difficult to get an appointment.

I initially have relied on online advice, but after reporting my husband's assault to the police, I was put in contact with some domestic abuse charities, and I have also been granted legal aid to get a lawyer, so have been able to take advice on various matters from him.

The lawyer helped me secure a non molestation order in the family court. I gave my statement, my husband/ex didn't even show up to court, and the non molestation order was granted. It was granted very recently. The conditions include not coming within a certain distance of my property and not contacting me at all. Its in place for a year.

My lawyer has advised me that I need to apply for indefinite leave to remain as the victim of domestic abuse, and the non molestation order can be provided as evidence of domestic abuse.

He has also suggested I apply for 3 months of emergency benefits and also apply for divorce with a financial settlement and child maintenence.

I am going to put in these applications so will see how I get on with them. From what I understand, a criminal conviction for assault would guarantee success in these applications, but a non molestation order has less chance of success. So will have to see what happens.

Those saying go back to Morocco. I will leave it up to the British legal system to decide if I should be taken care of. But as I see it, a British citizen decided to marry me and have children with me, and I am currently in the UK on a settlement visa, so I don't see why I shouldn't be entitled to live here and be taken care of in a vulnerable situation.

People concerned about "tax payers money", I am happy to work and not claim anything from the government if I can figure out a solution for child care etc. I only need support from the government whilst I get on my feet, and I am happy to work, pay my way, and pay in a contribution to the system from my taxes.

As I have understood it, benefits are supposed to be a "safety net" for when you need it, and right now I need it, but I don't plan on staying in this situation long term.

Regarding Morocco, it has no "safety nets" or human rights etc, so why on earth would I want to live there?

I really advise you to speak to a specialist lawyer here. Your lawyer isn’t giving good advice. A non molestation order is civil. It’s not evidence of domestic abuse at all and the fact it was thrown out will go against you.

I am not sure about the quality of the advice you have been given hence recommending an immigration specialist lawyer who will know more. The issue with domestic abuse is you weren’t living together at the time. It needs to be proven it was during your relationship.

It might be busy but you desperately need citizens advice bureau. I recommend trying again.

Good luck - it’s going to be a hard journey so be prepared.

So, he hasn’t actually been convicted for anything?

@fedup21 - no there wasn't enough evidence that he hit her so police dropped the charges.

So, OP-you say your husband hit you, but the police dropped any charges due to lack of evidence.

You have been granted legal aid on the back of this claim and have obtained a non-mol order which prevents the husband from contacting you for a year, yet he is still paying for the house?

He was paying the rent and a few bills until the non molestation order came through and then the letting agency called and said he cancelled the direct debit and the broadband also switched off so he's cancelled that.

But I can pay this stuff myself if he pays child maintenance etc

Yes police didn't charge him because of insufficient evidence, but they suggested a non molestation order and put me in contact with some charities too.

We still haven't divorced yet but the charity worker is encouraging me to divorce him legally. I'm not sure whether to file for a legal divorce or not

Well, it looks like things have changed a lot for you since your opening post.

What other way of divorcing is there except legally? Do you mean religiously? What would be the point of that if you are hoping to get financial support?

Wow. And people wonder why immigrants get such a bad name.

What a mess, all in the hunt for a golden ticket and a free ride through life.

Those poor kids.

So does your husband’s earnings of £35k pay for your house as well as somewhere for him to live?

You were living with relatives, weren’t you-when did that stop?

After I started this thread I decided to give it a go and live with him. It lasted a few months, we argued a lot.

Eventually things got very heated. He hit me and then left and didn't return home. I reported his assault to the police.

He carried on paying my rent for a few months without living here but cancelled it recently.

That was a replacement for paying me money a child maintainence anyway so he'll need to pay me as a bank transfer soon anyway and I can pay my own bills.

I after he left I arranged for him to see his son a few times in a public place for my safety, and he told me he was just in cheap shared accommodation. He said he didn't have a lot of money

He said he didn't have a lot of money

No, I wouldn’t imagine he has.

I think child maintenance is 15% of their net weekly income-what does that work out as?

On his £35k, you’d probably get about £78 a week-presuming he doesn’t quit his job.

Yes, I am going to see if I can get emergency domestic abuse benefits whilst i apply for indefinite leave to remain.

I will also see if I can apply for emergency accommodation.

My last option is to stay with relatives.

I have applied for some job roles where I could potentially bring my son with my whilst I work, so if I get accepted for any of those, that should cover my expenses.

I have never heard of emergency domestic abuse benefits. Do you mean going into a shelter or a hostel?

Citizens advice would be able to tell you and it’s a shame you have never actually been back to speak to anyone. Surely they aren’t busy every single day?

What was the incident with your husband?

It looks like any sort of help you might get would be dependent on your immigration status.