Stay at home mum getting divorced, need advice

[LittleMissMaghribi]

Hi everyone, I am possibly looking at the option of divorcing my husband and first need some advice.

I am a Moroccan national with Moroccan citizenship. I married my husband at the end of 2015 and we had 2 sons whilst I lived in Morocco.

My husband applied for a settlement visa for me which was granted this month and I am now in the UK.

I went to my cousins house rather than go to my husband, and I don't have any income, benefits, or job.

My husband has a job that brings in around £35,000 a year before tax.

He doesn't own a home and has about £15,000 in assets (mainly savings with about £4000 in stocks and shares) and about £10,000 of liabilities (mainly credit card debts), so a networth of about £5,000.

If I divorce him, will he be legally required to pay any of his salary to me during the divorce proceedings, so I can pay my own rent and expenses? And how about after divorce?

He also has a pension of about £20,000 if that makes a difference but is nowhere near retirement age (we are both early thirties).

After divorce, would he be required to share his salary with me and roughly how much do you think he would have to share?

My visa conditions state that I cannot claim benefits, so would not be entitled to government support, and I am not sure about if I would be able to find work. I have a degree in sociology but don't have a lot of work experience.

Since my sons have British nationality, I am looking at changing my visa to a parent visa, since I don't think I can stay on a settlement visa if we divorce. Would I be entitled to benefits?

Does anyone have experience of being the stay at home mum without an income during divorce and were you entitled to some of your husbands salary in the divorce proceedings (before and after), and was it enough to live on without additional income from benefits or work?

Please let me know your experiences in how the finances might work out in such a situation. I am a bit stressed. We are not really getting on at the moment and I need a plan B for how I can live if we can't live together going forwards.

Also, we are not currently living together. I am staying with a relative. Am I better off living with him and does that increase my rights during a divorce if we share a house? in the case of a divorce, if we are renting a property, does it matter who's name is on the rental documents, and would he be the one required to leave or me if he pays the rent, and would he still need to pay the rent for me and our sons even if he moved out?

Please let me know what my rights and responsibilities are.

Thank you for your help.

I suspect the cost of living in Morrocco is a lot less than it is here. Maybe the OP was seduced by the thought of his massive UK salary!

No way would £35,000 house and feed 3 households in the UK.

And if he is already paying CM for his other 3 children it is very likely that you would receive far less maintenance.

For a intelligent woman with a degree and access to the internet, she did surprisingly little research before moving then. I moved from London to up north because I couldn’t afford to live there and have a family on a similar salary.

OP have you been to his shared house? I wonder if he lives with the "ex"...

Not that it makes any difference to your situation, just a thought.

The thing is, there is some shame in returning to your parents in Moroccan culture, after you are married. Can you imagine all the neighbours and family know I married a British man, and they see me one day travel off to Britain to start my new life, only to return to my family home with my two children for the next twenty years grow old?

I know British culture is different.

But ultimately I have to deal with the laws and reality on the ground so at least I know my options now and can start thinking about realistically what I can do to create some sort of future for me and my kids.

I think the laws are terrible though, they don't seem to protect vulnerable women in poor countries from being lied to and manipulated with the hope of a secure life abroad.

Men can be charming when they want to have sex with you. they can promise you the world and everything in it, sell you a dream, and down the line you are too far into things and by the time alarm bells start to ring, its already too late.

You know in Morocco, even being a non virgin pretty much ensures you are at the bottom of the pile for marriage. Having two kids, remarriage becomes pretty much hopeless.

I didn't even want to sleep with my husband until we lived secure in the UK together. I regret everything to be honest.

Regarding my current situation. I am in London with my relatives, but for sure they can't keep me here too long. They will just keep me whilst I try to understand my options

Well, your English is pretty good. Maybe look into becoming a translator?

I think the laws are terrible though, they don't seem to protect vulnerable women in poor countries

But really, you have described yourself as both educated and pampered!

Yes I was wondering if you'd been to his shared house op?

Sadly you've married a man who it seems is dishonest and in relative terms poor, because of where in the U.K. he lives and because if he is divorced then he is already supporting two homes, two adults and three kids.

35 k is not a lot to support one home, and three kids in London, never mind three homes, three adults and five kids in London. It would likely take the people into poverty.

Your two options are

Get a job and have your relative provide free child care if possible. If they are willing to let you continue to live with them and care for the kids, then you can stay in the uk. To do so you will need to be able to financially support yourself and have somewhere to live.

If they are not willing , then you are unable to financially support yourself and your children and even if this man wanted to, he also is unable to financially support them as he is as said, effectively poor.( no offence to anyone it's simply the easiest way to explain it, this man is not rich or even comfortable, what may seem like a big salary in Morocco is not here)

If your father is willing to provide for you all then going back to Morocco seems your only option.☹️

What can the law possibly do to protect you though OP? If out of his £35,000 he had to house 2 separate women and children he would be homeless himself. Especially in London.

How long had you known him when you married him? It sounds like Moroccan culture is very different to British, but you would be considered to have made your own choices in this also.

I think the laws are terrible though, they don't seem to protect vulnerable women in poor countries from being lied to and manipulated with the hope of a secure life abroad.

How would they do that, exactly, without indefinitely supporting female foreign nationals and their children through the benefits system? Which would ensure a huge increase of women looking to marry a UK national, which would bankrupt the country, basically, even if this all got through the political system in the first place. Which it wouldn't.

I am really, truly sorry, I know this is your real life and you're in a crappy situation. But it can't help but be caveat emptor here. You knew (presumably) he had existing kids, you hadn't lived with him, you had multiple kids by him while he lived in another country, you didn't look into how much 35k was relatively speaking or what your rights might be if it didn't work out.

It sucks that there is shame in going home, but at least you have that option. Some women don't. And UK nationals get left high and dry by shitty men too, and the benefits they do get don't go very far.

*I thought the UK was a place for womens rights and protected women and children from destitution and controlling and abusive husbands, but it seems like the divorce and immigration laws favour the UK national and bread winner massively

Doesn't the law essentially favour british men when they go off abroad marrying and taking advantage of girls from abroad?*

WTF?

I think returning to Morocco and live with your parents is the best option here.

Long Distance, I am fluent in Arabic, English and French. The problem is there are too many people with language skills now. There are some jobs for translation, but they don't pay well. You can for example translate for the NHS for patients who dont speak good english. But they don't give you like a permanent role.

I will have a look and see if I can find some work but believe me, English and Arabic are not very difficult skills to come by in the UK so the job markets are not that great.

I will have a look and apply for some jobs. I was also advised I can go to a job centre and they can help me look for some work.

Your putting your pride before necessity. Your hell bent on him paying for you and your children instead of accepting he isn’t going to give you the life you expected.

Lots of UK women go through this daily, fortunately for them as they are UK citizens they get financial support but even then is small and you have to jump through hoops to get it.

Your not entitled to it.

You have to take responsibility for your actions here too. You took your children from a family home who supported you to live in a different country with a man who sent very little money and seen rarely. Why did you over look that?

I understand you thought you would have a better life here but it’s actually really hard here too for many UK women.

My family member had her state support stopped for three months due to clerical mistakes and she had nothing, we her family had to support her. She couldn’t even attend food banks as she wasn’t in receipt of benefits. The benefits system here has caused deaths for uk citizens. It’s a terrible system. Lots of UK children in poverty and parents unable to feed them.

Go on the divorce boards on here and see how the court system fails woman after women financially. I don’t know why your expecting the courts to fight all this for you, how would you even afford it? You have to pay for this to go to court. You have to pay for solicitors.

Your dh is a shit. But you have to step up here and take responsibility for your own life and children as an adult woman. No one forced you in to bed with him.

Either

1. get a job
2. or go home to your family.

I hope you actually get a job and stand on your own two feet for once in your life.

Please find a lawyer that can help. You are entitled to 1/2 hour appt for free. If not you can make an appointment at the Citizens Advice Board, although I’m not sure they would have someone of relevant expertise.
You could call the DWP and ask what entitlement you would have here if you were to divorce. I believe you said that your kids were born in Morocco also? I’m not sure you or they would keep your right to remain in Britain, something you can check with the Home Office.
I think your choices are limited to include: stay married for 5 more years, change your status, divorce. Or go back to Morocco.
Please find a way to get legal advice, you could start by using a charity?

The thing is, there is some shame in returning to your parents

Well, some people don’t even have that option.

You sounds like you have lived a life of luxury and thought things were going to get even better moving to London and expecting to be supported by an English man so you could be a SAHM. Sadly, you married an arse and things haven’t panned out as you’d hoped. Many UK women who haven’t married an arse want to be a SAHM but simply can’t afford it either. I’m most couples I know, both parties work.

You need to find your own solution to this as no court in the land can make him support two or more houses and give you spousal maintenance.

If you don’t want to go back home, what’s your plan?

Right. If you have a spousal visa, then you have no entitlement to public funds, so you aren't entitled to any state support in terms of benefits.

If your husband tells the Home Office you are divorcing, you'll have your visa rescinded.

Your best-case scenario is that you will get maintenance for your children, but that won't be enough money to cover your costs based on his salary.

Do your children have British citizenship already? (Rather than just being entitled to it)

Is your husband a dual national?

Your only option to remain in this country may be a section 8 appeal once you've been told that you have to leave, tbh.

Honestly, the shame aside - your life and your children's lives will have a much higher quality all round if you go back to Morocco rather than try to muddle through years of lawyers and pittances just to stay in the UK, especially if, at the end of it all, you swap the right to remain for a NMW job: especially from your previous lifestyle, you will find it harder than you ever thought possible just to exist in the UK. Compared to the your previous, pampered life - no contest. Think of the lives uneducated women lead in rural communities at home, OP - that's comparable to the graft and lifestyle you're setting yourself up for in the UK.

Actually I've just looked it up, the average salary in Morocco is 2k per month, gbp. So the op would have known full well this man had no money if he lived in London and was already supporting three kids.

Any remotely educated person would understand the cost of living, supporting two homes, three adults and five kids on 35 k gross income would have been nigh in impossible in London.

I was born in Morocco and am a Moroccan citizen that just entered the UK on a settlement visa.

My children are British by descent due to their british father. They were born in Morocco but were entitled to British nationality.

We were married since Dec 2015/Jan 2016 and had two kids in Morocco in that time but he took 4 years to bring me and his kids to live with him.

Does this make any difference to my situation?

No difference at all. The only duty of care the law has is to your children, not you. You're not on a 'settlement' visa, it's a temporary one contingent upon the continuation of your marriage and ability to support yourself without any recourse to public assistance at all for a period of 5 years. That's it. You're not eligible for anything. You are an adult and expected to support yourself here.

You are entitled to 1/2 hour appt for free.

That is a complete myth. Some solicitors offer this as a courtesy, it's not compulsory and often very basic with an outline of their fee schedule as well.

The OP is not entitled to anything from the DWP. At all.

OP, I immigrated here myself years ago, it was a long slog even with a supportive husband and a good job. And things are now much more difficult if you are from an non-EU nation.

I very, very strongly suggest you return to Morocco with the children unless you can magic up a job paying about what he does if not more and childcare because the government is not going to support you, courts are now usually about 'clean breaks' even in decades long marriages rather than spousal maintenance, he has many children and it's likely you will see slim to none in the way of maintenance.

I have been conned by men in the past. Ultimately, it was my responsibility and the consequences of it was mine, not the government's, to bear.

What I don’t understand is how knowledgeable you have become why didn’t you put this effort before marriage and before the children.
I don’t know what your really asking
You definitely will have to work and support yourself better still best to go back home you’ll have more support and you haven’t infact lived together here.
Forget about the cheating aspect you don’t have proof .

Does anyone else think he's still married to his "ex"? Probably lives with her too.

OP, I don't think you're going to get much money out of him, and legally you're not entitled to anything either, the kids will get a bit. If I were you I would go home!

Is it possible your husband could stop you from taking your children from the uk and returning home? I would check if you now need his permission to leave the country with the children.

Why struggle on alone in the uk?
After my divorce i went back to my home country and im so glad i did. I had more support, entitlements to lone parent benefit, got a job when kids old enough not to need care every minute. Wouldnt have stayed in the uk as a broke, lonely single parent, no way!

Just a thought, is your husband Muslim? In the U.K. it's illegal to marry more than one woman at a time so I know of men who travel overseas for second + wives, tricking them and expect them just be subservient. In this area it's too common, (I know of cases through a project at work). You need to establish the situation with him, is the shared house with his first wife and kids?