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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child access

145 replies

Lettucepray · 25/01/2018 20:15

My ex is not allowed to see our daughter , since last June because of his drinking and mental health. Cafcass are very supportive of me and very concerned about my ex and his ability to parent appropriately. He is allowed phone contact twice per week fir the last few months. He has been recording these conversations despite being told he should not because it is emotionally abusive. Final hearing in Feb. Have a letter from his solicitor which details a nightmare our daughter had about me and says this is evidence that not having contact is emotional abuse? Our daughter is absolutly fine and happy, Cafcass have no issues what so ever with my parenting. I am very tempted to cease phone contact until the final hearing, I am livid that he has continued to record his conversions with dd. It is further evident to me of his inability to put dd needs before his own. He has long history of mental health issues and is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder some years ago. I believe he has cluster b personality disorder which incorporates anti social and narcissistic personality disorder. Cafcass agree with me, I am.hoping the judges agree too. Any advice??

OP posts:
MrsWobble3 · 26/01/2018 20:34

I think cathf is just suggesting you take care that your actions can't be construed as parental alienation. If your ex has a solicitor then it might be something they think worth trying.

Original poster
Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 20:40

MrsWobble3

But there is no need to be so nasty, to an abuse survivor is there? I understand that may be her point but I have always accommodated my ex for all her life but enough was enough so definitely no parental alienation here. Cafcass have been very supportive in a very difficult situation. I was terrified of taking this action, I did not want to, but I had to.

OP posts:
MrsWobble3 · 26/01/2018 20:43

You didn't have to tell your daughter the calls were being recorded though - just be careful as it's not only what you do in stopping contact but how you do it that could be scrutinised.

Original poster
Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 20:47

Oh and his solicitor has already tried that tac....it didn't work, judge saw straight through it. Up until Feb, my ex was on a double suspended sentence for various crimes because of alcohol, punching a police officer. Despite 35 convictions, an alcohol substance abuse order, self harm, suicide attempts, my ex believes he is dad of the year.....he's cured of alcoholism and now has no mental health issues....apparently. That is why I am taking this action. Thank goodness Cafcass are on my side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 20:48

MrsWobble3

So what should I have told her??

OP posts:
cathf · 26/01/2018 21:08

You seem very keen to be seen as a victim in all this, and presumably you share your victimhood with your daughter?
Sorry but I think you need to take a look at your own actions in this and explore your motivation in making such a big deal over something that is actually quite irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
You quite clearly want your ex out if your daughter's life and see this as a way of facilitating that. I am not being nasty just stating facts.

Alittleconcerned1980 · 26/01/2018 21:10

FFS OP, it’s not brain science.

You could have just kept quiet.

She’s 7. She was having hour long conversations with her dad. And they’ve now ended. Poor thing.

cathf · 26/01/2018 21:18

Yes Alittleconcerned, I agree.
I can't help thinking that the child's feelings are not the main driver here.

cathf · 26/01/2018 21:21

So what should I have told her??

Nothing, obviously

Original poster
Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 21:36

Wow, yes victimhood, that's me! I mean I am the victim, as is my daughter but yes I should definitely allow her dad to do whatever he likes as clearly he's a lovely fella and I'm the evil bitch queen trying to keep her from her dad.......🤔 luckily none of that is true and I have the support of the the only actually relevent people in this, the courts and Cafcass,thank goodness! I do think some of you live in cloud cuckoo land, have little empathy for other women and zero understanding of domestic abuse. You shoukd actually be ashamed of yourselves, because you're actually disgusting. I hope another woman, not as strong as me doesn't fall foul to your devine knowledge of abuse, because ut stinks and I suggest you educate yourselves, perhaps visit Women's Aid, they have lots of knowledge when dealing with abusive people, you might learn something 😉

OP posts:
Alittleconcerned1980 · 26/01/2018 21:40

Oh dear.

As someone said upthread. . One of those cases where you hope i true. I suspect it is though. Poor little girl.

Alittleconcerned1980 · 26/01/2018 21:40

hope not true

MrsWobble3 · 26/01/2018 21:43

No one is saying he's dad of the year. But it's not clear what harm he was doing, or could do, in a weekly phone call. I think that's what we find difficult to understand. And it seems a shame for your daughter to be denied the choice of a relationship with her father when she is old enough and mature enough to be able to make that choice for herself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2018 21:43

What is it you’d like people to have said?

You’re very sure you were right to stop phone contact. You’re very sure CAFCASS and the courts will agree.

If that’s the case I don’t know what you were hoping for from randoms on the internet.

People have taken the time to read your post and share their thoughts. No need to be so narky in reply.

cathf · 26/01/2018 21:50

With the attitude towards you ex you quite clearly have, I find it difficult to believe you have done anything to encourage contact at all. You give the impression of rubbing your hands together with glee at the prospect of something tangible you can actually stop contact over.
You are adamant CAFCASS and the courts will support you, so as a pp poster said, what's your point exactly?
I think there's every chance the court will think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and order contact to restart.

Original poster
Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 22:02

cathf

Then you'd be very wrong.....actually the courts tend to not let abusive alcoholic mentally ill people have access to their children, especially when they have an extensive criminal record......but yeah I'm the one with issues. He hasn't seen her since July, on the recommendation by SS, when he brought her home drunk. Prior to that he saw her frequently, so in what way have I not supported contact, really???

OP posts:
Oooocrikeyitscold · 27/01/2018 00:10

OP
No one is questioning that you have had a very challenging time. However you came onto a public forum and asked our opinion. Our opinion is clear; your daughter should continue with the phone calls to her father.

Wishing your daughter the very very best

ivykaty44 · 27/01/2018 00:28

So the child finds out later that Dad recorded the calls and mum allowed that to happen even though it was wrong, her mum knew and stood by and did nothing

Op seems to be protecting her dc

The father shouldn’t be doing this
Shouldn’t have put the child in this situation and shouldn’t have put the mother in the position of having to protect her child

LML83 · 27/01/2018 07:13

he is emotionally abusing the mum but recording these phone calls and she doesn't need that. Also the daughter would find out eventually.

Cafcass do not recommend stopping contact easily so the fact the have speaks volume about this father.

OP good luck with court case, sounds like the authorities are on your side so hopefully you get the result you want.

cathf · 27/01/2018 07:24

actually the courts tend to not let abusive alcoholic mentally ill people have access to their children, especially when they have an extensive criminal record......

I agree. But it is very rare for the courts to cut indirect contact completely, especially when the child is so young.
I think you are interpreting CAFCASS to suit you point of view, and moreover, I think there is every chance the court would support limited supervised contact at a contact centre if you ex asked for it.
Courts very rarely support no contact at all and take a dim view of parents who frustrate/stop contact, so although you seem very sure right is on your side, I would be very careful.

RadioGaGoo · 27/01/2018 07:25

I don't understand. Your Ex has been recording telephone calls in order to prove to a court that by not having physical contact with his DD, it is causing her emotional distress. He's sending these recordings to a solicitor (I'm sure most solicitors don't care how credible a case is as long as they are getting paid), who is writing to you and setting up court dates.

Sounds like the Ex is using his DD's phone calls to further emotionally abuse the OP. If he was really worried about his DD's emotional distress, he would have obeyed the condition not to record calls.

cathf · 27/01/2018 07:40

But the daughter did not know the dad was recording until the OP told her.
Sorry but I think both parents are playing games here, and the OP is using this to try to stop contact altogether.
I think they will both be read the riot act in court, as they are neither acting in the best interest of the child.
The OP disagrees as she thinks cutting the child off from her father is entirely justified I think she is in for a surprise in court.

Original poster
Lettucepray · 27/01/2018 07:53

He is trying to use something that my child said to prove emotional abuse. It doesn't! And obviously i can't say what she did say as it would be outing. This is a man who records everybody because he is the perpetual victim........but actually it's usually other's who are the victim of him!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lettucepray · 27/01/2018 08:00

cathf

It's really very simple, he was told to stop recording....he didn't........why? Because he doesn't need to follow the rules, he's special , he's above the law, no one tells him what to do......he's a NARCISSIST!

OP posts:
cathf · 27/01/2018 08:06

With respect OP, I do think you need to calm down.
Throwing words like narcissist about do not make you any more right, despite what you may think.
Simple question: Do you want to stop your daughter having any contact with her dad? Because it seems to me if she is talking to him for an hour at a time,, there is a relationship there.
I think your ex us recording because he thinks it will prove that there is a relationship, his daughter enjoys talking to him and he fears you are trying to scupper what little contact he is allowed.
Is that right?

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