Child access

[Lettucepray]

My ex is not allowed to see our daughter , since last June because of his drinking and mental health. Cafcass are very supportive of me and very concerned about my ex and his ability to parent appropriately. He is allowed phone contact twice per week fir the last few months. He has been recording these conversations despite being told he should not because it is emotionally abusive. Final hearing in Feb. Have a letter from his solicitor which details a nightmare our daughter had about me and says this is evidence that not having contact is emotional abuse? Our daughter is absolutly fine and happy, Cafcass have no issues what so ever with my parenting. I am very tempted to cease phone contact until the final hearing, I am livid that he has continued to record his conversions with dd. It is further evident to me of his inability to put dd needs before his own. He has long history of mental health issues and is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder some years ago. I believe he has cluster b personality disorder which incorporates anti social and narcissistic personality disorder. Cafcass agree with me, I am.hoping the judges agree too. Any advice??

Your not owning your own actions in this. Telling your daughter caused her distress. I'm not minimising what he's done. But you need to own what your doing if you want to help your daughter.

Oooocrikeyitscold

She does, she loves her dad, but he doesn't keep her safe, hence the reason I have had to stop contact.

I wouldn't cease contact, you need to play by the rules so as not to provide him with any ammunition. Remember, just because a lawyer writes you a letter, it doesn't mean it has any basis in law or that Cafcass will pay any attention.

But she is safe talking to him on the phone? Your question was whether you should stop this access right? I think the answer is no, right?

WetWipeofWonder

I have been honest with my daughter, as to why contact was stopped and why phone contact has now stopped, all under the guidance of Cafcass, who are a professional body. My actions are not under scrutiny.

VimFuego101

Cafcass have told me to stop phone contact, recording violates her rights to privacy and is emotional abuse.

OP you sound obsessed about the phone recordings.

Let it go. He’s being a fool but it’s not actually hurting anyone, other than just pissing you off.

Why did you have to tell your daughter?

Seriously OP.
You obviously hate this man, but really - there was no need.

Oooocrikeyitscold

Not according to Cafcass? They are the ones I sought advice from, and that advice was to stop phone contact.

Alittleconcerned1980

You are wrong, it is emotional abuse. He was told to stop recording, he ignored that advice. I really don't understand the venom. I am protecting my daughter, my ex was abusive, he still is abusive.

But if your daughter never knew, how would it be emotional abuse?

This is one of those threads you really hope isn't real....

Because he is the one emotionally abusing her, unless it was addressed he would be the one who would continue to ignore her rights and needs, hence why it's emotional abuse. I have been protecting her from his actions for a long time, but in the end this has not helped her. Caffcas have advised how to address issues such as this in a child friendly manner. When she was seen by the cafcass officer that unfortunately meant discussing the actions of her father, how it made her feel etc. Her father is the guilty party, as per the courts and caffcass.

WetWipeofWonder

I can assure you it is , we don't all live in magical fairy land......abuse happens.

Alittleconcerned1980

Why don't you ask Caffcass???

WetWipeofWonder

Totally agree

Your quite defensive when you asked for advice. I get he shouldn’t be recording them (though potentially he is doing this to prove his speaking ok with your daughter-which I presume he is talking ok as you say you don’t listen to the calls-you wouldn’t not listen if you thought he was harming your daughter). My advice is to let your husband continue to have the calls.

I understand why you told her. It's hard to stop contact there is no nice reason you can give so the truth as kindly as you can is what I would do too.

Contrary to what you believe recording a conversation is not illegal, the actual recording isn't permissible as evidence except with the judge's permission but a transcription is. I would discuss this much further with your solicitor as I'm worried that the advice you are hearing from cafcass isn't correct or in your best interests at this point. The judge isn't obliged to go with any suggestions made by cafcass.

By telling your daughter that the calls have been recorded, you are dragging her into your petty arguments with your ex.
And why would your daughter know that recording her calls was such a bad thing to do? She knows what you think about her dad, doesn't she, because you make no attempt to hide it.
I don't believe CAFCASS told you to stop contact on this basis, sorry.

LML83

Thank you.

Wtfdoipick

The judges have gone with everything Cafcass have said, I doubt this will be any different. My daughter deserves privacy, not to have a grown adult record her in sn attempt to bash her mother, using her to do it. That is why it is emotional abuse.

cathf

No HE is doing that. I have done everything to try and accommodate him. He is the reason we are all in this situation. But you'd probably be one of those who stick up for abusive arseholes who put their daughters needs last, wouldn't you?

Actually I think you are being very aggressive on this thread and clearly are not open to anyone's opinion that is not the same as yours.
I am not the only poster to question the wisdom of sharing adult concerns and issues with a seven-year-old, but you clearly think the end (presumably removing her father from you dd's life) justify the means.
I think you will not be so keen to parrot CAFCASS when they question your behaviour, but crack on.

LML83

It was incredibly hard, how do you tell a little girl that her own dad can't keep her safe, that he is an alcoholic, that actually no he shouldn't be drinking when he has her or that he shouldn't attack police officers and members of the public or her mum......but she's seen it so she already knew. That's on him, I just wish people could see that.

cathf

I'm guessing you're deliberately missing the fact that my ex is an abuser......I think allowing him in her life for so long clearly shows I have been trying doesn't it??? But in the end I had to protect my daughter and I have, so you can believe what you want, you are clueless.