In law threats

[Imafreeelf]

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

Thank you! I don't even know why I'm giving a toss but that's me - always trying to understand others' behaviour.

On a more positive note, I'm meeting up with the friendship group tomorrow evening that you linked me to! It's quite soon but they have a meeting on the first Wednesday of each month for newbies. I didn't want to wait until January, I need something good to focus on.
Thank you so much for finding the site for me!

Go with me on this...

To you, as is very clearly the case, he has chosen mummy and daddy over his wife.

To him, he has been rejected. You have rejected how he is. Under mummy and daddy's thumb and too scared to break away. And you've stood up for yourself and rejected the bullshit life you would have if you carried on.

He is feeling rejected so is doing the broken ego thing of 'I never liked you anyway'

BUT all whilst continuing the manipulation of 'look how lovely I am'.

All in all, he is coming out of this looking like a prize twat.

You are wise to his mind games now. Just remember, you don't need to learn Chinese, so put down the German book and pick up something exciting and non stupid man cowardly.

I have no idea if any of that made any sense but my god OP you have are so strong for putting up with this all whilst living with the bastard and looking after your mother and your own health issues!

You really have to get him 'out of your head'. I know it's hard, because for the last years he's been the main focus (as with any couple). But now there's nothing positive to be gained by wondering 'why does he do/say that' and much that is negative in trying to figure him out. What and why he does what he does no longer matters!!

He needs to become unimportant, a 'non-entity'. It will become much easier once you aren't forced into seeing him day in and day out, but in the mean time you (and your mum) need to concentrate very hard on NOT talking about him and in stopping that internal monologue that starts up every time he says or does something.

Getting out and meeting people is a good start. So would be taking up a new hobby (or restarting an old one). I found that needlework was really a good and calming one because you had to concentrate on colours, patterns and counting stitches. And there is a great deal of pride in the finished product! Can't tell you how many samplers and little bits of counted cross stitch and embroidery I have tucked away, many of them now decades old!

Mama - thank you so much. I definitely should put the German book down! It's just too tempting to pick it back up. I don't feel strong at the moment!

Across - thank you, it is all I talk about and I must stop! I'm sick of the sound of my whinging voice! I used to cross stitch all the time so I think I should get that back out. Good idea! I think I started a big butterfly pic years ago that's in my spare room.

Once the weather is warmer I'm going to get back into cycling as I love that too.

I've said it so many times but I keep wanting to say - thank you to all of you for continuing to be here for me. Please keep posting, even if it's not about my issues because I check here every hour (ish!). It makes me feel less alone and I'm so grateful

My Mum's a big cross stitcher, and it used to do wonders for her mood (these days she doesn't get those moods because things are much better).

Perhaps something along these lines would be therapeutic

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/funny-cross-stitches-on-etsy_us_59889794e4b09a4d1ec6a94e

www.subversivecrossstitch.com/

they are hilarious! Love it!

Glad your mum is ok too.

Can I ask for tips on walking into a room of people you don't know?! (For tomorrow night) it's in a local pub, group of 8 and I've got to walk in alone and find them! Help!!

Bear in mind that either they are in the same situation as you, or they have been before. And they will be glad to see you - that's what the group is about!

Just smile, say something like "Hello, is this the X Group?" And then they will say it is, you introduce yourself, they introduce themselves, and you get talking. Just go with the flow and have fun!

OMG that Subversive Xstitch has some hilarious things!!!

It does doesn't it across!

Thanks distance, I'm really nervous! I suppose that's natural and hopefully it will be fine when I get there.

Yes!!! It's completely natural, and other people will be feeling exactly the same as you!

Hope it goes wonderfully and you have fun tonight, Elf.

Thank you distance, I'll let you know how it goes! So nervous already!

Well I did it! I went to the first meeting. It was good. I'm so relieved that I went, I was quite nervous but I didn't pull out! Stbxh seems annoyed though. Mum said he asked her what time I'd be home. He's sort of stomping around.
He's going out with a friend tomorrow night now too. What is his problem?! It wasn't a date, it was with a group of potential friends.

Yay! That's fantastic. Glad it went well.

What his problem is... well you aren't meant to be getting on. You're meant to be so devestated you take him back and roll over to the ILs. This doesn't present him with the easiness he needs.

Thanks hashi! He tells me he doesn't love me anymore but doesn't want me to move on. It makes not a jot of sense!

I've spent the last 3 weeks upset and devastated while he's been cold and almost smug. Did he really expect me to sit around and sob for months?! He obviously doesn't know me well!

I've already signed up to another event in December and one in January. I'm not waiting for him to decide my life. How dare he! I'm so annoyed.

I know you love your house. I know you and DM haven't spent a Xmas in her home since you lost your DD. But, the very best thing you could do is to go now to her place. Sooner rather than later.

He is in denial partly because in reality nothing has changed. He knows your plans, you know his. You are still communicating, and your DM is involved. It won't be real for him, or you whilst you are still in this situation. You can't get him out of your head, and he still isn't really getting the the actual outcome of his choices. And Christmas will only confuse it further.

I know your reasons for staying. But, if you are serious you have to go at some point. It wont be any easier in the New Year. Xmas wont be what you wish anyhow. At some point you and your DM will do Xmas at her home again without your DD (and I lost my Dad when he was 40. I was 18 so I know how difficult anniversaries are.)

Being on his own at home may force him to face reality. Probably not, but he wont with you still there. But mainly, I think that it will help you move forward sooner. A bit like ripping a plaster off.

Obviously speak to your lawyer. And take what you are entitled to from the house. This Xmas will be shit if you stay, or go. But if you go, you'll have got that first one away from him out the way.

So glad it went well, Elf! This is exactly the kind of thing that you need to do - go on with your life.

And no, your STBXH won't like it AT ALL (as proven today). None of his business any more, though.

I said it before (as other posters have), and I'll say it again: you're very strong, and very brave. You should be proud of yourself.

Oh, and I would give a call to your solicitor if you haven't heard from him/her by next week.

And I agree with MrsPavlichenko - I think you should go to your mother's home as soon as possible. Or pick up on his offer to go somewhere else. He isn't going to make your Xmas pleasant at all.

Did your last username end with a K? X

God what an awful situation. Get rid of him as soon as you can, screw Christmas.

I really think you need to start going out a bit more. Even if you just take yourself off for a coffee and MN for an hour or two, it will get you out of the house and it has the delightful side effect of pissing him off. Don’t tell him any of course, it’s none of his business.

*anything

Ms Pav- I'm sorry to hear about your dad too. Logistically it would be a nightmare to move out now. I understand what you're saying though and if there was more time before xmas then I probably would move out.
I don't think me moving out would make any difference to how he feels tbh. He would probably enjoy it more!

Distance - thank you again, your kind words really help and I won't get tired of hearing them. I didn't feel strong this morning, I felt sick and weak. I feel better now but don't know how long it will last!
I think he will only have dinner with us on xmas day anyway and as we've had most dinners with him, that won't be much different. Boxing Day my sister and her family are coming over for the day. My 3 year old dn is a good distraction!

Lone - yes it did end with k! Glad you've found me!

Hearts - thank you

Ohfour- I'm definitely going to try to get out more. It's hard as I don't like leaving mum alone with him for long! Not that he would do anything but it's awkward for them! Only 3 weeks to go though!

Thank you everyone for continuing to post. It really does make me feel less alone

It's completely normal to have ups and downs, Elf. You're doing so well - don't worry if you feel weak at times. What matters is that you do the right things towards having a good life, as you deserve (which is exactly what you are doing).

One thing: I don't think you and your Mum should have dinner with him. That makes him think that he's still "family" and "friends" with you. He isn't. Make dinner for yourself and your Mum and leave him to fend for himself. Don't see it as being unkind or mean - it's drawing the boundaries.

He says he doesn't love and wants a divorce without having even fought minimally for it. Fine. Now he should experience the consequences. And, more importantly, it makes it easier for you to lead an independent life.

I completely get what you're saying but food has been paid for and has cost a fortune. That sounds like such an excuse but I just can't bring myself to tell him he can't have any when he's paid for more than half and will be here. There will be so much waste too as mum and I don't eat a lot!

He's come home from being out with his friend. I haven't asked him what the friend said like he would expect. There is no point as he won't have told him the truth about why we are divorcing so any opinion he gave would be invalid.
He seems perfectly happy though so presumably his friend (who was my friend too but stbxh first) has told him he's doing the right thing.

Another hurdle to deal with. Knowing he has been talking about me and probably telling lies behind my back. I shouldn't care what other people think but it's hard thatvhe might be viewing me as the bad guy. It feels so unjustified

I mean dinner on a regular basis - you don't have to have dinner with him every night! As for Xmas dinner - perhaps you can make it sort of informal (rather than laying out the table properly, etc.), so that you can just pick what you like and eat in front of the telly or something like that.

I wouldn't worry about what he says to other people, Elf. However, I don't think that he's describing you as the bad guy, because most people will know you and doubt it. He's probably saying things like it's run its course, or things aren't working for us, or things like that.

Because you are introspective and want to understand why things are the way they are, you think that your STBXH will also think like that. I don't think he does, actually. Rather, he prefers not to look into things too closely, because he knows what he would find.

So no, I don't think he meets with his friends to have heart to heart talks about your divorce or you.