could I really lose the children and their dad be the resident parent!?

[bella1968]

hi, I'm finally going to court for the final hearing of the child arrangements order, CAFCASS has recommended that the children remain living with me and have contact with their father but the other week my stbxh sent to my solicitors through his a couple of messages from our son which clearly said that I was making his life hell and he didn't want to know me anymore.

It was a disciplinary thing and the other thing was he'd had an argument with his sister and took his anger out on me. He's trying to get his dad to side with him because he knows his dad hates me as he insults me to our son all the time.

Will this really sway the CAFCASS officer (who is experienced) or the judge to changing the status quo and make him the resident parent????

Really scared for next Friday

The CAFCASS officers are not daft. They have seen every scenario so many times and heard every bitter story.
Just be yourself and you will be fine.
I suggest you keep a diary and record every day's happenings. It will help.

Thanks holeinmyheart not much time now for diaries but I have 140 pages of emails so I'll be able to defend his solicitors cross examination.

Excellent, and even if the worse comes to the worst and your DS decides he wants to live with his Dad, don't panic and keep calm.
It might be a good wake up call for him. He will have time at his dad's to realise how wonderful it was living with his Mum.
No one provides those little comfy touches like a Mum.

Your DC's are in an ideal position to play one Parent off against the other.
So if it does happen, wish him well and be as kind and as pleasant as possible at all times. I think he would soon be back.

Your DC's are not stupid either they will soon realise which Parent is the sane rational one. Even kids who are not in this position try it on. Mine went from each of us trying to get what they wanted as they go through a ruthlessly selfish phase.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

thanks holeinmyheart after the CAO hearing on 10th July we have the FDR for the finances on 4th August, although he has not made full disclosure and we will have to prepare a schedule of deficiencies and then he'll probably push that to final hearing. Should the children remain living with me I am hoping to retain our family home. I just want to make sure that I am the resident parent and that we stay in the family home, I know how this sounds but I want to make sure that they have the best chance of a life and stability and my stbxh cannot provide this. His anger is very volatile and he is in and out of work, he's now lying about his income to avoid child maintenance which he has refused to pay. He controls and dictates and is incapable of working with anyone, part of the reason for a split is that he'll dictate but I don't get a voice where he is concerned, he just shuts me up dictates then won't listen to me. I don't want the childen growing up in this kind of environment, he can't handle money, can't keep a job for long, shouts and swears, criticises everything but does nothing himself as he's lazy!

I am on the stand first and plan to be open and honest as I usually am, I am not perfect and fully admit to that but making mistakes gives us chance to improve, the children are a good example of our hard work and need to be with their Mom. It's not like I've stopped them seeing their dad or even insulted him like he does me to them.

I will be deeply confused about the justice of the system if the judge makes my stbxh the resident parent, but yes I shall have to accept it gracefully as it's not like I will have lost them, I know my daughter won't last long living with him nor will my son when it comes down to it but I just hope that I can find accommodation that will be suitable should they return to me voluntarily!

Aw, best of luck and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hugs
I hope he gets what he deserves ( nothing) xx

Thanks holeinmyheart for that

I shall hold onto your hugs for next Friday and appreciate the fingers crossed. I can only be positive and hope for the best

Bella, come back and tell us how you got on. Lots of us will be thinking of you.

Ok will do thanks silverfingersandtoes

hi, well I went through all the horror of the final hearing and listening to that awful man that is my stbxh and we ran out of time, we have to go back for the decision on Thursday!

Hope it all goes well for you and your dc on Thursday Bella.

hi, well, I went back to court this morning for a 9.30 30 minute judgement and guess what................. the children live with me for 7 days and they live with their dad 7 days and that took 4 hours!

We go back to court on the 4th August for the FDR financials, whether we keep the house, one of us lives in it or we sell and get two separate places, meantime the contact of him in the house Monday and Thursday evenings and all day Sunday with me out of the house continues!!!!

Can life get any worse!????

Aw that judgement sounds insane. Are you supposed to sit in a Bus Shelterin the evenings and all day Sunday ? What justice is there in that.
I absolutely feel for you. Xx

Hi holeinmyheart the contact on Mon, Thurs & sun has been happening since January with me vacating my home so that he can have contact with children at their home.

The 7 days with him won't start until either he finds a place or the FMH is sold whichever is sooner. 4th Aug - FDR will determine whether we sell the house and get 2 separate houses or one lives in the FMH and the other gets a new house.

I am hoping the children and I can continue to live in the FMH but he won't let that happen.

He sounds like an an ace arse.
How can he inflict uncertainty and suffering on his children. Grr , I never heard of such a stupid ruling. Where does the court expect you to go? Sit is bus shelter ?
I am so sorry.

So difficult to live with the uncertainty, Bella, not just for you but for the DC. You will somehow get through until the 4th, then at least you will know. You stand at least as much chance of being awarded the FMH as not, so until you hear otherwise just get through one day at a time.

Thanks for your comments holeinmyheart and silverfingersandtoes he's still creating angry just today. I've told him unless he can guarantee to stop se ding nasty emails and shouting at me through the door I'm not going to read his emails.

The judge warned us that if we couldn't work together and it came back before him then he'd have no alternative but to call social services as they've been involved before! I've already lost my children half of each year I can't believe he'd take it back to court I won't be so I have to do something to protect myself, there will have to be another way to communicate, maybe it'll have to be through the children I don't know although I know I couldn't do that they've already had enough of him.

Bella1968 - I am with you. This is what I dread happening to me next year. I was effectively blamed by the judge as he made decisions about my DC based on father's location only. These men are disgusting. it is all about power and control over us, nothing about the DC. People are deceived by a suit. I am not allowed to protect myself - I don't count, so DC do, he does but I don't, yet my career was put on hold whilst his is as normal. I no longer have any trust or faith in the English family courts. They are failing families. Making decisions without accountability.

hi springalong I like your username, it sounds like hope.

Thanks for your message, living day by day is killing me, I feel like I've not only been dragged through a bush backwards but a whole forest!! If this is how I feel and I'm experienced then I can't even guess how my children feel, I constantly feel weighted down by the pain that they suffer and the part that I play in that. I just say to myself, we couldn't have lived like that with a man like that and I only hope that they see what he's like and come back to live with me full time. In the meantime I putting everything together to fight for the fmh.

You mentioned the suit, we both wore suits to the court, it really doesn't matter as long as you're smart and clean, it is is more about your heart and that comes across when you speak and what you say. You know I agree with what you say about career being put on hold but if you say this in court you sound horrid and not very child conscious yet it's ok for a man. I know that he's probably going to say that he paid the mortgage for the first 3 years whilst I took care of the house and children, I know the judge will wave this away because it is so different than if he is unemployed and I'm paying for everything, it's not like we made the decision for him not to find a job!

The other day he changed my name on his contact list to "Bad News" and send an email to me, I shall have my barrister show this to the judge on the 4th August and let him know that the Taverstock Parents in Dispute course is no longer available, the judge said he can't micromanage every issue we have to work together, yet he's seen the horrible vicious emails that stbxh sends me and how nasty he is in court yet I get offered nothing, no help, no telling him off just the judge sitting on the fence and blaming us both for involving the children. I wouldn't have said anything to the children if he hadn't slagged me off to them so often, I have to defend myself and tell them what's right and wrong otherwise they'd hate me and quite rightly so based on what he says!! although not true. The fact that I am living means everything is wrong with the world as far as he's concerned, I'm sure he wishes me dead as he treats me so viciously and then sends emails blaming me for the things that he has done or how he has treated me but says it's me that's like it!! I'm really starting to think he's mentally disturbed!

sorry about the rant, I really need help but there doesn't seem to be any out there when you're working with such an ass!

Hi ladies, well the 4th August came and went, THIS IS A WARNING TO YOU ALL .................. stbxh filed a notice to act in person / representing himself in person, my solicitor understood that to mean that he was not going to be having a barrister so I decided not to have one too at the FDR on the 4th. Low and behold, when I turned up, his barrister was there!!!! panick arose and for most of the morning I was shaking like not just a leaf but a whole tree as I'm sure you can imagine!

Anyway, as I was unrepresented, his barrister then tried to say that this FDR was a complete waste of time, (no doubt that he would try to get costs back for this laster on!) but I was totally ready and therefore strongly objected. You see I had put all my cards on the table and made full financial disclosure and even filed a statement of issues, schedule of assets and the last 3 months bank statement up to that date which had been sent to my stbxh in good time, whereas he had done no such thing and had filed nothing either at court or with me but handed in a measly note with typing errors with even his name wrong to the court on the day!!!! he had not made an offer whereas I had and had not even answered all the schedule of deficiencies by this time.

What a surprise that his barrister had not received any of these things?!!!!

Anyway the 2 hour FDR turned into an all day hearing with his barrister treating me like a piece of s**t and me ending up telling him twice (once in a consultation room with just him and me and the other time in front of the judge) not to speak to me like that! he bullied me and although the judge had said that the judge at final hearing would not entertain the idea of taking legal costs from the pot, his barrister nonetheless wouldn't agree to this and so we now go to final hearing, crazy!!!! I stand to lose money so I'm more than happy to now go to final hearing. what a total tosspot!

The judge asked whether we would both be represented at the final hearing and he indicated that he would not, I said how could I believe that as he had indicated the same and here is his barrister, the judge said that it shouldn't be a secret and that we should notify each other in good time before the hearing to agree to either representation or not.

In the interim, the judge strongly suggested that we get our solicitors back and be represented at the final hearing, also that we could make offers and come to an agreement before final hearing which he strongly suggested we do so that we do not use any more money over this.

I also warn anyone out there that if you own a house together and you are trying to get an occupation order against your partner that you make sure you have filed a form (I don't know which form this is but your solicitor can advise) with your mortgagor (bank you have the mortgage with) to advise that this is what you are doing, otherwise you will have your hearing adjourned to the next hearing which will inevitably cost more money for a barrister and solicitors fees.

I hope all this helps anyone out there be more informed. This area is a legal minefield and gets more interesting to me by the minute, my forte is Company Law but I've learned so much about Family Law through this and if you know nothing then you are totally unprotected. Even if you have a solicitor as I have had, there can be slip ups which can cost you what you want.

We are now at the stage that we have agreed to sell the FMH so at least that is one thing we agreed upon. We have started the list of chattels (which for those of you that do not know this means the furniture, contents of the house, the reason that I say this is that I've had 2 emails already from my pedantic stbhx on the spelling and meaning of this word...... he's also so condescending!) and what do you know, he's said he doesn't want any furniture but wants compensation for this and cost of re-housing from the pot !!!! what a total nut!

My saga continues.............................

Full respect, Bella, for the fight still in you. Stay strong.

I really hope all works out well for you. It sounds like a nightmare, I really feel for you

OMG I totally feel for you Bella. Stay strong and I really hope it works out for you.

PM me if you need any support as I went through something similar and I understand how totally destroying the whole process is. However I can tell you I have come out the other end a stronger person as I'm sure you will do.

Hope you have a chilled bottle of wine for tonight.

Thanks for the comfort ladies, it's good to hear from you in my time of need, this can be such a lonely journey at times.

One day at a time. It won't always be like this. You will get through this, and then you - and the DC - will have the rest of your lives ahead of you.

so he brings the children home from Jersey last night, I'd finally changed the locks on the back door because back in September and again through court he said he hadn't got the keys, yesterday he tried to get in, admittedly I'd been leaving the key in the front door and leaving via the back as it's the only way that I can feel safe from him coming and going as he likes. He demands the key, realises what I've done and storms upstairs, takes the back door key which I'd left in my room (which he still calls ours!?) and went outside, I chased him outside and asked for the key, he started videoing everything on his phone, then he drove away onto the pavement, opened his door and I followed and stood there asking for the key, he started reversing the car with the door open which banged the door on me pushing me away but not before leaving a long red line on my arm which is now very bruised. He left saying to the children that if they get any trouble from me to call 999 and later that night messaged my son the same thing on their ipad/ipods!

I've gone to court for an occupation/non-mol order twice now but to no avail, how can I protect myself from this man? my children say to me don't worry about them they just ignore him as they know what he's like but how can I not?