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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do you regret divorcing/separating?

64 replies

ladyoftmanor · 02/04/2015 21:49

NC for this

I am considering instigating a separation from my DH. I am not desperately unhappy but feel I would be happier on my own. As we have 2 DC this will obviously impact them too and although we are comfortable financially, a split will mean the cost of running 2 households which will mean some negative consequences for DH, DC & myself. Our marriage is not abusive and I am quite sure that neither my DH or DC know that I feel like I do.

One of the main things holding me back is that I am worried I will regret making such a life changing decision.

So I am just wondering how common it is for people to regret instigating a split or whether once most people get past the first few months of drama & logistics that they are generally glad they did it.

Please share your stories including any negative consequences of your split which may have made you think twice in retrospect.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyoftmanor · 03/04/2015 07:52

Anyone?

OP posts:
Isitmeagain · 03/04/2015 18:18

Me and Dh have been separated for 6 weeks now but I go through days where I am ok and days where I want to run back to him but I think that is because I'm scared of the unknown! It wasn't an abusive relationship we had an argument one night where he said some things which shocked me and made me me rethink our whole relationship it should of been out 1 year wedding anniversary on Sunday which I have mixed feelings about!
You should do what's right for you and your DC,s

Newbrummie · 04/04/2015 07:28

No regrets, not particularly happier either but I know that will come in time

Murdermysteryreader · 04/04/2015 07:31

Think about whether you want to fix your marriage. In my experience pals who have temp separated often divorce. Are you sure you want this? If you look forward a year where would you like to be? Good luck

katiekatie · 04/04/2015 07:41

You don't know how he feels yet, he should be given a chance to work on the marriage if that's what he wants & a decision to split to be made together, over time. Otherwise yes I exp you'll regret it.

Leostar · 04/04/2015 12:43

Hi,
I told my husband I wanted a divorce 2wks ago. He has been a complete tosser but I honestly feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's like I've been locked in a dark room for 5yrs but now I'm free and the sun is shining.

However,he won't move out which is my biggest issue at the moment and having to spend anytime with him is horrendous. But at some point this will be over.

I've know for yrs that it was over but I knew when I asked myself this question.....

"Would you want your children to have the same relationship as you are currently in?"

If the andwer is no, get out as your are setting them a horiffic example for a relationship.

I hope that helps
Xx

thenextday · 04/04/2015 12:53

Recently divorced...wonderful feeling. I feel in charge of my life
Yes things have changed financially, but the dcs and I are adjusting.
Everyone says how happy I am.

TheOldWiseOne · 05/04/2015 08:24

I don't get this "happiness" thing ....it often seems that people post about being unhappy for sometimes seemingly minor things. We can't all be happy all of the time. Relationships are not 100% perfect all of the time.
As you haven't said much about your unhappiness it is difficult to say but you do say you are not "desperately unhappy" ...perhaps pin down what it is that is bugging you and try to make some improvements in that area. Talk to your husband. Splitting up is no fun!

CalicoBlue · 05/04/2015 23:36

Divorce is awful, even if you want to be amicable it turns you against each other. It is one of the hardest and most stressful things I have ever done.

I do not regret leaving my ex, I do regret the hurt and upset it caused him and my kids. Even now 8 years later, I feel the divorce has left it's trace on us. I don't think it made me happier, I have a different life, some things better and some worse.

Maybe some couple therapy could help, all relationships get a bit stale.

Original poster
ladyoftmanor · 06/04/2015 10:23

Thanks for all your replies. You have given me a lot to think about and I have perhaps been a little naive in my previous thinking.

I just typed a really long reply and then it disappeared. ...ahhhh!

I appreciate that marriages need to be worked at and it's unrealistic to expect everything to be perfect but I increasingly feel that the pros of being with my DH don't outweigh the cons. He is a decent man and a brilliant dad but not such a good husband. No abuse but I don't feel loved or appreciated. We have a good family life but never spend any time with just the two of us and I don't really have any desire to anymore.

OP posts:
korkycat4 · 06/04/2015 10:31

Obviously I don't know you, but going just by your post, this sounds like a marriage that is along way from divorce! Marriage is hard work - not all the time, but it's a life-long commitment, and of course there will be times that are harder than others. I was struck by you saying you don't feel lived or appreciated. I think this is pretty common, especially when we are all so focused on work, children etc. but equally, what do you do to show love and appreciation for your DH? This is what I always ask myself when I feel a bit like this - what are YOU korkycat putting into the marriage.

afreshstartplease · 06/04/2015 10:35

We separated almost six months ago

No abuse but no respect either

Recently we had gotten back in the friend
zone and I was seeing his positives and feeling like we could move on from what had happened

And then I discovered he was still doing what he had been doing to cause us to separate

Now I feel a bit stupid tbh, but also grateful that I've seen him for what he is

sumoweeble · 06/04/2015 10:53

I broadly agree with Leostar. However, everyone's situation is different and no one can tell you which way to jump. That is your decision to make and there are probably no right or wrong answers. Would you consider therapy? I think it can be tremendously helpful when you are feeling ambivalent and conflicted about your relationship and considering life changing decisions.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2015 10:58

I agree with OldWiseOne. I knew somebody who was getting divorced because they argued. People argue. People go through periods of being fed up and their partner getting on their nerves. But it's your decision.

AmyElliotDunne · 06/04/2015 11:12

I agree with a PP, you need to talk to your DH first. If he has no idea how far down the line you are already then he hasn't had the chance to help you work at it.

You say you don't feel appreciated, but do you honestly think that your H is incapable of giving you the relationship that you need or are you just too depressed to consider it? Neither answer is right or wrong, but I think that might affect whether you go on to feel regret.

Fwiw, I am recently divorced (separated 3 years ago, took me this long to get the paperwork done!). I thought about splitting up for years before hand but there were always reasons to stay, christmas/holidays coming up, counselling to try and make it better, fear of the unknown.

Obviously it hasn't all been plain sailing, but I haven't regretted it for one moment. I'm lucky that I got to stay in the family home, train for a job I could never have done when XH lived here (childcare, he wouldn't have wanted extra kids around!) so I can work around my DCs, earn enough money to live well and I've met a wonderful DP who has shown me how it feels to be properly loved.

If I'd have know this is how it would be then I'd have made the leap years earlier (and hope fate would had conspired to bring my DP and me together whenever it happened!)

sumoweeble · 06/04/2015 12:07

That's a lovely message, AmyED. You sound like a very good advert for separation.:)

madmother1 · 06/04/2015 15:31

Think very very carefully. My ex and I parted 4 years ago and have recently both voiced our regrets. He keeps hugging me a little too much. (One of my gripes was him being not affectionate!) We generally got on and still do, he just gets me, but I cannot put myself or my kids through all the upheaval of moving back in together. Maybe one day. We feel that we put our children and their hobbies first and didn't get time together. Things that annoyed my husband then he hankers for, like a busy noisy household. Now the kids are late teens and don't want me as much now, I can't help feeling a pange of regret. I hope you manage to sort things out.

MsRaspberryJam · 06/04/2015 15:35

My life is different now. But I wouldn't say it was better. The work I would have had to put into staying probably wouldn't have equalled the effort it has taken to leave.

I wish I had thought more carefully about the impact of my decision. It's hard to regret it, because I have had so many fun experiences I wouldn't otherwise have had. But it's been tiring and very lonely, often.

KindleKind · 06/04/2015 15:40

I don't regret it one bit. Being on my own is better than being in a boring marriage.

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 06/04/2015 15:46

I think trial separations are really bad for a marriage.

Before you know it, it's possible that one or the other, or both, will end up sleeping with somebody else, then, if you DO decide to get back together after your trial separation, then you have the added misery of knowing that your OH has now been unfaithful to you, on top of everything else.
It's one more thing to have to work through.

I also agree with the poster who said that it's normal to be unhappy now and again.

Marriages aren't meant to be a bed of roses all the time.
Sometimes there are roses, sometimes thorns and usually a mixture of both.

People give up on marriage too easily.

CalicoBlue · 06/04/2015 20:38

To add that, what do miss is having someone to chat to, who cares about my kids as much as I do. Someone to chat to about swimming lessons, should DD learn the piano, who do they look like, laugh about the funny things they say, major changes in their lives... all the casual conversations partners have about the kids they both love. They are not the same when you are divorced.

That is what I miss, no one will care about them as much as you and your DH.

If you know what the problem is then do something about it, go away for a weekend or one night, make time for yourselves. Do you go out to dinner on your own, weekly? monthly?

Original poster
ladyoftmanor · 07/04/2015 15:52

Hi

Back again just to thank all posters for their input
Lots to consider!

To clarify I am not considering a temporary separation. If (and it's a very big if) things continue to deteriorate and talking it through doesn't help then I would be looking to separate with a view to eventual divorce. I only used the word separate in my OP so as not to exclude posters who have ended a long term relationship with DC even if they were never actually married.

OP posts:
MyArksNotReady · 07/04/2015 16:04

It's your choice.

As has been said marriage takes work from both parties. If a marriage is boring it's the fault of both parties.

You can't expect another person be responsible for your mental state. If you are not happy see your GP.

If someone is a cheat or abusive or has an addiction it's their issue.

TheOldWiseOne · 08/04/2015 22:48

I would echo this and say at least give your partner and yourself the chance to make improvements ...there is nothing worse than not being given the chance. To me that smacks of disrespect for your partner...but then I would say that as I have been at the receiving end of it.

moomooland01 · 10/04/2015 21:18

I left and divorced my ex two years ago.
My kids have REALLY been through it. We just couldn't be amicable over anything. We both did god awful things to each other and I deeply regret it all.
Looking back on the marriage I had, he loved me so much. He worked hard an he would literally do anything for me. He cheated a few times and I could never forgive him for that, I just couldn't get over it.
I miss the unit deeply. We are both with other people now but I do still miss him. I do still sometimes wish we'd (I) worked harder on our marriage.

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