Do you regret divorcing/separating?

[ladyoftmanor]

NC for this

I am considering instigating a separation from my DH. I am not desperately unhappy but feel I would be happier on my own. As we have 2 DC this will obviously impact them too and although we are comfortable financially, a split will mean the cost of running 2 households which will mean some negative consequences for DH, DC & myself. Our marriage is not abusive and I am quite sure that neither my DH or DC know that I feel like I do.

One of the main things holding me back is that I am worried I will regret making such a life changing decision.

So I am just wondering how common it is for people to regret instigating a split or whether once most people get past the first few months of drama & logistics that they are generally glad they did it.

Please share your stories including any negative consequences of your split which may have made you think twice in retrospect.

I think sometimes you're just swapping one set of problems for another set. My husband left us saying he was unhappy but now he's even more unhappy and I'm quite happy where I'm at now. We all think the grass is greener but I know I would have had to be desperately unhappy to leave my husband and baby. Turns out the grass was greener for me even though it wasn't me who made the decision x

I separated from dh last year, like you there was no 'reason' but I just wasn't happy in the marriage. Me and the kids moved out and we made it all work. I'll be honest it hurt not speaking to him all the time.

Some times I missed him, some times I didn't. I enjoyed the time to myself sometimes but I got madly jealous when someone came to me saying he'd been seen with a woman, this was despite me being a bit... loose womanish I guess would be the best way to describe it.

We did xmas together last year for the kids and ended up deciding to start seeing each other again and we're now both living together and pregnant with dc3. It was hard but I do believe it was worth our separation to realise what needed worked on I guess

So glad things worked out flowery. Sometimes some time apart makes you realise what you had. Congrats on the pregnancy x

I think there are two issues:

1. a sort of be careful what you wish for and you don't know what you've got until you lose it.

2. the fact that you might be making a unilateral decision here. You should give your husband the chance to understand the problems and put them right. It is hideous to be on the receiving end of the decision - my husband walked out and left me for OW - I had no say in my own marriage!

Also just bear in mind that men generally move on quicker than women. How would you feel if you told him you wanted a divorce, he got together with someone else pretty quickly and started a new family, for example. There could be no time for regrets or second chances, it could be too late.

Flowery, really gad it's working for you.Often a separation can help, gives each person the time to stop and think.

Nearly 2 months from my update I sadly think it's still the same for me.My stbxh is still mostly angry and destructive and whilst I wish I could fix it I feel it's not possible.He is just in an angry cycle and perhaps it's depression following counselling for his childhood abuse but he refuses to acknowledge any issues and I am solely to blame.
A very dear and pro marriage friend has said some marriages shouldn't be saved if one partner is destructive.

Op what did you do in the end?

I posted in response to your initial post some 8 months ago, under a different name.

I'm now 5 months in to separation, divorce proceedings well underway.

No regrets

Some 18 months ago

I have read this thread carefully - debating what to do in my relationship too - blue what did you decide to do??? And the OP?

I feel unhappy and no sex life etc. DH negative and am walking on eggshells all the time - feel over 7 years (out of 10) it has deteriorated and faded away. DCs 3 and 6 - cannot decide what to do as feel I should try on one hand, and certain DHs mood will never improve enough to bring us back together...

addlebrained, do you have any benefits in your relationship? Walking on eggshells is no way to live and it was the decider for me. I could handle not getting on but if one partner is so disrespectful and angry that it makes the other partner so uncomfortable then I think you need to do something about it.

You do have young children and that can put pressures on a family. Do you feel happy in yourself?

I have been separated for 5 months and am in the process of getting a divorce. We have 4 children together.
For me I had to choose between losing my 16 year old daughter or my STBXH moving out. He had been emotionally abusive towards my oldest daughter and myself for years, and my oldest daughter was going to leave and go and live with my parents if he did not leave.
It was initially very hard, but 5 months on and my children and I are doing amazing.
My stbxh is living with his mother and has someone else in his life, he chooses only to see our youngest children at the weekend for 3-4 hours.
I at the moment feel that this was the right decision for us as a family, it did take me a long time to reach this point tho

Hermonie - I am a generally happy person, but years of trying to juggle doing everything at home and also part time work (which I don't want to give up!) has made me exhausted. I feel my friends who know me the best (who live miles away) would be shocked if they could see how drained I am now, but how much of that is normal with 2 DSs who are full of beans!!?!

It's not always walking on eggshells but has been particularly bad in last few months and I just don't know if it will get better. We seem to go in cycles of ups and downs more and more! Not sure if that answers your question?!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say separation I'm not divorced yet can be a hugely liberating thing if its what you really want. It has given me my life back and made me feel for the first time in years that I know who I am and I like myself.

It's true that you can't be happy all of the time and marriage has to be worked at. But you also know in your gut when your marriage is no longer enriching your life and making you happy. Sometimes people outgrow their marriages for a range of reasons and the marriage stops working. Continuing to push water uphill when you're no longer making one another's lives better is just going to create resentment and bitterness.

It's hard to know, based on what you've said, whether this is a blip or whether you and your H are fundamentally incompatible. You should definitely make sure you've given it your best shot and exhausted every opportunity to turn your marriage around. But don't flog a dead horse in the interests of "working at it" to the point where its making you unhappy.

I think a lot of people are scared silly at the idea of being single. Leaving a marriage can be frightening and should not be done lightly. But a lot of the "work at it" advice is a hangover from an age where being single was seen as something to be avoided at all cost. Don't give up your marriage without putting some thought into it. But don't allow yourself to be scared off going it alone if its what your gut is telling you. Being on your own can be bloody brilliant.

Marzipan, I also think that as we live longer the impact of living in an I happy marriage could be 50-60 years.
It was something I considered as I knew my stbxh would never be caring if I was ever unwell.He would still expect his life to continue uninterrupted.I very much regret my marriage ending but know I couldn't continue with it.It had to change for the better or end.