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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Do you regret divorcing/separating?

64 replies

ladyoftmanor · 02/04/2015 21:49

NC for this

I am considering instigating a separation from my DH. I am not desperately unhappy but feel I would be happier on my own. As we have 2 DC this will obviously impact them too and although we are comfortable financially, a split will mean the cost of running 2 households which will mean some negative consequences for DH, DC & myself. Our marriage is not abusive and I am quite sure that neither my DH or DC know that I feel like I do.

One of the main things holding me back is that I am worried I will regret making such a life changing decision.

So I am just wondering how common it is for people to regret instigating a split or whether once most people get past the first few months of drama & logistics that they are generally glad they did it.

Please share your stories including any negative consequences of your split which may have made you think twice in retrospect.

OP posts:

Kataryna25 · 14/04/2015 10:02

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Choppeddates · 09/07/2015 12:55

OP, I could have written your post.

I have never so carefully read the responses on a thread before as I have done with this one.

No abuse, no one else. I love him, but I can't stand his drama and histrionics. He is a wonderful father though, not a great husband.

I am going around and around in circles. Reading that some people regret their divorce makes me feel unsteady, as it had never occurred to me before that people would.

Sweetsecret · 09/07/2015 13:43

Hi, I can't give you the leavers point of view as I was left. what I didn't expect was how exhausted and lonely I would be. my DC'S are very young and once they are in bed, I just sit on my own with my thoughts.
If you can work on your marriage then do, being a single mum is not fun, some may handle it better than me though.
I suppose if you make some changes to improve the marriage and it doesn't then move on, but I wouldn't give up too quickly. give your DH the chance to make improvements in the marriage. my H didn't tell me and I was totally blind sided when he left, I actually thought were happy. really really think about it.

Minime85 · 09/07/2015 18:05

Agree wholeheartedly with what calicoblue said at 20:38. Absolutely it's that that you miss and is gone. It hurts.

I was the one who was left. I don't regret the divorce and am now happy with a new partner who cares about me and dcs but exactly as calico said its different.

I agree to with those who have said you have to give the other person the chance to change and know what is going on. I wasn't given that. I will never forgive exh for that and what it did to our dcs. Never.

To be honest tone of OP makes me wonder if this is research? Hope I've just misjudged that though as don't think it's right to do that

lovethisheat · 14/07/2015 21:56

Just seen this and wanted to add my thoughts.

I am much much happier since making the decision to divorce. I fell out of love and we had nothing in common any more. I didn't enjoy his company at all. It was definitely the right decision for me.

However, my children have suffered. Teenagers. They find it very hard. There is a lot of back/forward as they live with both of us. They are very upset about it, and I feel like their whole life and future has changed.

I know we weren't setting a positive role model of marriage, and we didn't want to stay together for the sake of the children. But… it really has had a massive impact on them.

It was the right decision for me, but before divorcing, 1 out of 4 of us was unhappy. Now, 2 children are unhappy, and one bitter ex husband. How selfish do I feel.

Toffeelatteplease · 14/07/2015 22:08

I totally agree with lovethisheat. No way would I put children through that for I'm just a bit unhappy.

I would add, that often it doesn't get any easier. If you have children with them you still have a commitment to communicating and working with your potential ex to raise those children. Despite the acrimony of divorce

In my case there actually wasn't any choice whether we separated and divorced, the damage was already done.

GotABitTricky · 14/07/2015 22:14

Super thread with good opinions.

Marriage can be lonely as well remember, but I agree to think though options carefully.
Younger the kids the harder the decision seems.

deckthehallswithdesperation · 14/07/2015 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/07/2015 22:33

I have no regrets at all about divorcing my first husband - I had completely fallen out of love with him, don't think he loved anything about me at all except for the money/security I gave him, and lots of things about him had begun to irritate/upset me immensely. It really wasn't sustainable, in my opinion. Well, I could have survived life with him, but I would have been unhappy. Fortunately, no dcs, so a clean break was possible.
Now I'm with my current dh, the difference in the relationships is vast. We argue at times, and we've had our problems, but I still respect, love and am attracted to him so much. I'm so glad I didn't settle for my first marriage.

Choppeddates · 15/07/2015 14:20

Deck, thanks for that. So often on mumsnet LTB is cried at the first hint of trouble. My husband and I are going through a very bad patch, but reading this makes me realise I am not quite at the end yet, so i will look forward to the marriage counselling next week rather than dreading it.

camelia66 · 21/07/2015 13:36

What did minime85 mean by doing research? And it not being right?

ArseForElbow · 21/07/2015 13:38

I've been separated for almost 6 years and don't regret it at all, I did to begin with but it's much more peaceful with just me and the DC, the only time it affects me is when I get lonely, which thankfully doesn't happen too often.

SoupDragon · 21/07/2015 13:54

It wasn't my choice (XH left me for OW what I was pregnant) and it is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. Truly awful.

Perhaps you might like to actually talk to your DH about what problems you think you are having.

chrome100 · 24/07/2015 15:10

I split up with my partner of 7 years a few years ago (we weren't married and no kids). I guess I got a 7 year itch, we'd been together for most of our twenties and I wanted to see what life could be like witout him.

It was a terrible, terrible mistake. I realised that after 6 weeks but by then it was too late. I destroyed a great relationship with a wonderful guy and it took me a long time to come to terms with.

I am now with someone else, I love him and am very happy with him, but I still think it was the wrong decision to leave.

Goodbetterbest · 25/07/2015 08:11

Being a lone parent is incredibly hard work, can be lonely and overwhelming. But for me being in a lonely marriage was far worse.

Strikes me OP that you have some soul searching and talking to do, you aren't at crisis point yet.

I have no regrets, but XH made it incredibly easy to end the marriage by being a massive twat. I am far, far happier than I have been in years, despite being skint, overwhelmed, far too busy to do everything that needs to be done in the day, and at times lonely.

I also believe that you know when it's time to end it. Took me years of holding on, but only one of us was trying. It was easy in the end.

Blue5238 · 25/07/2015 11:16

I have namechanged….

I am haunted by lovethisheat's post:

^I am much much happier since making the decision to divorce. I fell out of love and we had nothing in common any more. I didn't enjoy his company at all. It was definitely the right decision for me.

I know we weren't setting a positive role model of marriage, and we didn't want to stay together for the sake of the children. But… it really has had a massive impact on them.

It was the right decision for me, but before divorcing, 1 out of 4 of us was unhappy. Now, 2 children are unhappy, and one bitter ex husband. How selfish do I feel.^

I am really unhappy in my marriage. I feel that I can't make 3 children unhappy just because I am unhappy. And the thought of persevering with this for years is awful.

lovethisheat · 25/07/2015 21:01

blue I'm sorry….

how old are your children?

and how unhappy are you?

I often look at my kids - I did today, at my youngest, and felt sad that today is with me, and tomorrow he is being picked up to go and stay at his Dad, and how sad this is for him.

But, definitely the right thing for me.

I guess it all depends on how unhappy?
xx

Blue5238 · 26/07/2015 17:06

Kids are 3,6 and 8.

How unhappy? I don't know….how long is a piece of string? There's no abuse, no affairs etc. I don't love him any more and can't see that changing. I don't enjoy spending time with him - we don't seem to share interests much any more and he is relentlessly negative. My heart sinks when he arrives home in the evening. We often sleep in separate beds, haven't had sex in months and I have no desire to. Friends have suggested counselling and I feel I ought to give it a go but I don't really know what I expect to change from it iyswim. Some of the things that have made me upset/angry etc with him in the past no longer hold true….so I spent a lot of time being resentful that work always comes first for him, that he never, ever leaves early to come back to see the kids on a weeknight (yet can manage to leave on occasion for a drink with a mate or to go to a football match) - but now I don't think that I actually want him home earlier as I'd rather just get the kids sorted and then have some time to myself.

He is several years older than me and I feel like the age gap feels much more significant than it did a decade or so ago.

lovethisheat · 26/07/2015 18:43

blue I could have written your reply, about how I felt. Although your children are much younger than mine.

I definitely think (if this isn't total nonsense and I know no difference), that at your kids ages it is much easier than as they become teenagers, and as they start to think more and understand about dynamics in relationships.

I really think you should go for counselling.

Can you remember how you felt when you got married? Try and feel that love again.

It is so hard…but if you are going to think about separating/divorcing, you should also think seriously about staying and making it better. It isn't the easy option being on your own xx

JessicaLuis232 · 03/09/2016 07:35

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Triskel · 01/10/2016 22:20

Why don't you find a (good and well qualified and experienced) family therapist. It can be so difficult to see the patterns we fall into that lead to mediocrity.

Posters who say the grass isn't greener are absolutely right. In fact, it's perfectly possible that the problem lies within you rather than the relationship or your husband.

Good luck

hermione2016 · 03/10/2016 21:50

I think you need to explore all avenues before divorcing, which includes counselling and doing work on yourself.

I think most people don't leave a marriage easily, it's not easy to go through the process.A bad marriage can however be destructive and if your partner won't talk or dscuss is there anyway to go from there?

People are living longer and my decision to divorce is based on my fears of verbal aggression from my husband when I'm in my 70s and perhaps feeling less secure.

I know that I may not have another partner in my life so there will be loneliness but that for me is preferable to walking on eggshells.

Shodan · 03/10/2016 23:51

I haven't regretted it at all.

Obviously I regret that it was necessary, that I couldn't hang on in there for ds2's sake, but other than that, I have no regrets.

But then not only were STBXH and I not wholly compatible to start with, I'm not 100% sure that I should live with any man. I like being on my own. That's not to say I don't want to be with someone, just that I'm not sure that I'm any good at being with them day in, day out, IYSWIM.

However. STBXH and I, and his parents, have really pulled together to make sure it's a painless for ds2 (8) as possible. STBXH has moved in with his parents, who have made over a bedroom for ds2 (he has been used to going there all his life anyway), until he finds somewhere suitable to buy. Ds2 and I are still in the family home, where I will stay until ds2 leaves university (or I earn enough to buy somewhere else). Contact has been agreed between us, and is totally flexible both ways. Family occasions are still shared, and I suspect this will always be the case, even if either I or STBXH get together with someone else.

So it can be done, if everyone can work together.

I don't get lonely. I have hobbies, good friends, and siblings on the end of the phone/email if I need to chat. It was 100% the right decision, for me. But it was a decision I arrived at after trying everything. The crunch came when I would wake up dreading the thought of being with him for the rest of my life. Not fair on me, and definitely not fair on him.

Ghostqueen · 12/10/2016 13:13

I'm not 100% sure that I should live with any man. I like being on my own. That's not to say I don't want to be with someone, just that I'm not sure that I'm any good at being with them day in, day out, IYSWIM.

I totally get this. I like having space that is my own and I can orgaise. DH hates routine.

Homely1 · 12/10/2016 14:18

Wow also reading carefully. Have young DC. I am surprised by the comments saying that unhappy but in essence feel selfish as there are DC involved. I do understand this sentiment but so many people said to me that children know if parents are unhappy and this causes the children so much stress. I have just divorced. I did not petition but have I made a mistake then? My situation was one where I felt alone, ex was crafty, manipulative, under the influence of many of his family's

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