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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Have been told this is going to be a complicated divorce

103 replies

2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:20

In a nutshell:

Married 17 years, 2 dds 15 & 16. Controlling (in every way he can), bullying husband - only speaks to me when he has to or wants to put me down (no goodbye/hellos even)

Three years ago I spent a month getting alcohol treatment. Paid for it myself.

Never been given any money by H - if he's shopping and I ask (eg) for a deodorant he'll ask me for the money for it. Although he does pay utility bills and has taken me along on family holidays.

Two years before I met H, my father died. My sister and I used the money to buy the houses we're in now (so they're solely in our respective names) BUT also were able to invest in two properties for which we both get a very modest rental income.

I am 49 and H is 77.

When I asked him for a divorce before Christmas, he told me he wants half of everything. When I asked 'What, half of this house?' he replied 'No, half of all your assets'. Which will mean selling not only the house we're living in but also the property I share ownership of with my sister. Because, he said, he wants the money so he can leave it to the girls - he said that I would spend it. The reason he says this is I had - many years ago - managed to put away £4k each in an account for the children. But when it became clear I needed alcohol treatment I put that money towards my recovery. Which I believed at the time was the right thing to do.

My question is this. Is it right, that I should go ahead, given that I would have to sell the flat that my sister gets a small income from (thereby ruining both her income and her children's inheritance) which is what he's going to make me do. I'd also have to sell the house I get a small income from although that doesn't make me feel as bad because it's only me and my children that will affect (although I don't have a pension and haven't even accrued enough for a a state one). Is that fair? Or should I stay with him?

DDs are unhappy (one is anorexic) and I know they would rather we divorce. But I can't help thinking it's desperately unfair on my sister. As an aside, I watched as both my parents nearly killed themselves making that money, and worry as my mum will see half of it go to him. He has two children from a previous marriage (my age) who don't have children of their own.

What's the right, fair and moral thing for me to do? dd1 can't wait but when I told my sister last night I was going ahead with it her reaction 'So I'll have to sell the flat?' made me question if I should just stay with him to protect her interests.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 28/02/2015 08:27

if hes been in the army he will have a very lucrative pension from them, they look after their own. agree with others, get into the filing cabinet by hook or by crook then photocopy everything. im sure he will change his position if you have this detail...

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:46

juneau I don't know anyone that's recently divorced - I've no idea what to look for or where. My sister - and my mother - are quite aware of what he is. Which is what makes it even harder somehow - the money my mum and dad made being taken from my sister to give to him ...

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:47

DO no I'm certain he doesn't. Do you really think he sounds that crap?

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:49

peggy the problem is even if I got in there there's a mass of papers dating back to god knows when and I'd be clueless as to waht I was looking for. Never had any dealings in pensions or anything like that so to find the time to look for it, assimilate it (even if i could!) and photocopy it would be impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:53

Cookie he is a divorce lawyer. H is not in the least cooperative - on the contrary. How would I know about a lawyer's track record without knowing any of the people he has acted on behalf of?

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juneau · 28/02/2015 08:59

OP - something to bear is mind is that just because it might be a 50/50 split doesn't necessarily mean you and your sister will have to sell your joint property. What he MAY get is half the total assets of the marriage, but that doesn't mean he specifically gets 50% of your home, 50% of your investment property and 50% of the property you own jointly with your sister. What he would get (if the judge felt he warranted it), would be 50% of the VALUE of those assets pooled together. Thus, you might have to sell your home and your individually owned investment property in order to pay him off, but the 50% portion of the estate that you retain could include the property you own jointly with your sister. Does that make sense?

As an example, when many people divorce the wife will get the house and primary custody of the DC, but as recompense the husband often gets to keep a greater share of the cash (i.e. pensions, investments), to offset the value of the house that his wife gets.

FlabbyMummy · 28/02/2015 09:02

Can you go 2 years separation route before dividing assets?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 09:07

Juneau it does make sense, but since both those investments are in both our names I think I would have to use the money gained from our share of the family home to buy back my sisters share of the flat she gets the income from. Which would leave me less, and him more, to buy a place to live in, even though the girls would be with me. Does that sound about right?

OP posts:
juneau · 28/02/2015 09:07

But he does have two sisters, one older, who enjoys good health.

"The most common age at death in England and Wales in 2010 was 85 for men and 89 for women. Over the last 50 years (1960-2010) the average life span has increased by around 10 years for a man and 8 years for a woman."

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 09:09

Thought about that FB. I'm told we'd still be facing the same stuff in 2 years except that one dd will have moved out. Which apparently puts me in a less favourable position???

OP posts:
juneau · 28/02/2015 09:10

Okay, well in that case I would prepare your sister, gently, for the distinct possibility that it might be necessary to sell the flat. Since your own DDs want you to get divorced though, and one is already suffering from anorexia, I think you put your concerns for their wishes and health concerns ahead of your sister's worries about her DC's inheritance.

I know it sounds harsh and its not that simple in real life, but sometimes very hard decisions have to be made, and if push comes to shove I think you have to look out for your DC first (and expect that she will do her utmost to do the same for her DC).

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 09:11

Do you think I should just hang on then Juneau? Or did you mean if I do nothing I have another 10 years of hell?

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Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 09:16

And I suppose the other thing in the equation is that while I don't regret for a nanosecond giving up my career to bring up the girls I'm actually finding it really hard to get one now. Anything at all.

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juneau · 28/02/2015 09:21

No, I don't think you should hang on. I'm just giving you the statistics that the judge should, if s/he is any good, use to decide how much money your DH will need to live on. Bottom line - you're 49 and statistically you will live another 40 years. On average he has eight years to live. That is a huge disparity! You are also very likely to retain primary custody of your DDs. His argument that you will just spend the money is ridiculous and will hold no water in court. Remember that. The idle threats he's issued are irrelevant - the judge will make a clear-headed and unemotional ruling based on circumstances, need and (to a lesser extent), who has contributed what.

juneau · 28/02/2015 09:25

Oh and he will definitely have an army pension, so don't fall for his 'I don't have any money' line. Its bollocks. He clearly just keeps whatever he gets for himself.

Carlinamoon1 · 28/02/2015 09:33

What a horrible situation to be in! I can't offer any legal advice but I'm in a similar situation as I've been reluctant to separate from my husband due to money. Although my problem is not enough money. Just wanted to tell you to be strong and that it's ultimately the best decision for you and your children.

GloopyGhoul · 28/02/2015 09:36

In all honesty it doesn't sound as though you're ready to divorce him, OP .

You definitely need to get a second opinion, if not another solicitor. Your lawyer should inspire confidence not panic. But you may also want to think about counselling/CBT to help you manage your anxiety/panic/self-confidence through this process.

You need to recognise that he is still controlling you, and you are still defending him.

AuntieStella · 28/02/2015 09:41

just spotted this: "But he might throw his future care into the equation"

If he does that, you throw your future care into the equation.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 09:42

Thank you Carlina, and sorry to hear that. The ironic thing is although I'm talking about three properties I don't have two ha pennies to rub together - but I think that was part of H's plan.

Juneau, someone on here said we can't talk about solicitors - I haven't mentioned any names but if them's the rules, them's the rules. But can we talk enough to find out if in your opinion I should be finding another one?

And they wouldn't overrule the girls decision to stay with me, could they? As long as I'm git and well and they want to be with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 09:42

Fit and well. Lol.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 28/02/2015 09:46

Get the phone book out, find 3 solicitor that do a free 15 minute chat and go and make an appointment to go and see all of them on Monday morning - go with the one you feel comfortable with and forget the one you already have he's taking you for a ride - much like your husband.

SolomanDaisy · 28/02/2015 09:55

He will have two decent pensions, from his time in the army and in local government (which is what school bursary are). Those will be taken into account too, his income is probably higher than yours. If he doesn't spend that income then he probably also has significant savings. I doubt your position is anywhere near as bleak as he'd like you to think.

Weloveoptimus · 28/02/2015 09:57

I just want to emphasise how incredibly important it is you get into the filing cabinet and get information on accounts and investments, pensions etc.

When he does his form E where he has to hold his hands up to what moneys etc he has......he will lie on the form.

You can then come forward with proof as to what he actually has.

They usually cry the poor tale when they have to fill this form in, mine did, and it felt so great to give my solicitor information he hadn't.

When my ex and I were finally divorced (it took four years) he did say to me where did you get those forms etc, and my solicitor had advised me to get myself into our family safe and get copies BEFORE I told him I was divorcing him.

My ex still tries to control me and tells my son he's shit and my daughter she's beautiful, he's a thoroughly warped man.

I wish you strength and luck. Well done for doing this x j

expatinscotland · 28/02/2015 10:02

Pick the lock and copy all his shit. And get another solicitor. Don't offer him shit without a solicitor.

juneau · 28/02/2015 10:03

Given the ages of your DDs I'm guessing they will be asked with whom they want to live.

Your DH quite possibly has three pensions - army, local govt and state! He's far from poor, but he's lived off you this whole time and it suits him to plead poverty, while hiding the reality of the situation in that locked filing cabinet. I wouldn't believe for a moment that he's skint. He's just mean.

And how to find a solicitor? Phone book - yes. Your local CAB can help too if you want to go and speak to a human being. Ask them who the best divorce lawyers are and go and see one or two of them. Most solicitors will give you a free half-hour consultation, so go and see what they say and whether you 'click' with one and feel 'Yes! This is the person to represent me'. You need someone knowledgable, practical, but overall on your side. I don't actually think your situation sounds any more complicated than anyone else's. The ending of any marriage is always messy and difficult and you have a partner who's determined to make it more so, but the law is designed to find a way through exactly these kinds of situations.