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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Have been told this is going to be a complicated divorce

103 replies

2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:20

In a nutshell:

Married 17 years, 2 dds 15 & 16. Controlling (in every way he can), bullying husband - only speaks to me when he has to or wants to put me down (no goodbye/hellos even)

Three years ago I spent a month getting alcohol treatment. Paid for it myself.

Never been given any money by H - if he's shopping and I ask (eg) for a deodorant he'll ask me for the money for it. Although he does pay utility bills and has taken me along on family holidays.

Two years before I met H, my father died. My sister and I used the money to buy the houses we're in now (so they're solely in our respective names) BUT also were able to invest in two properties for which we both get a very modest rental income.

I am 49 and H is 77.

When I asked him for a divorce before Christmas, he told me he wants half of everything. When I asked 'What, half of this house?' he replied 'No, half of all your assets'. Which will mean selling not only the house we're living in but also the property I share ownership of with my sister. Because, he said, he wants the money so he can leave it to the girls - he said that I would spend it. The reason he says this is I had - many years ago - managed to put away £4k each in an account for the children. But when it became clear I needed alcohol treatment I put that money towards my recovery. Which I believed at the time was the right thing to do.

My question is this. Is it right, that I should go ahead, given that I would have to sell the flat that my sister gets a small income from (thereby ruining both her income and her children's inheritance) which is what he's going to make me do. I'd also have to sell the house I get a small income from although that doesn't make me feel as bad because it's only me and my children that will affect (although I don't have a pension and haven't even accrued enough for a a state one). Is that fair? Or should I stay with him?

DDs are unhappy (one is anorexic) and I know they would rather we divorce. But I can't help thinking it's desperately unfair on my sister. As an aside, I watched as both my parents nearly killed themselves making that money, and worry as my mum will see half of it go to him. He has two children from a previous marriage (my age) who don't have children of their own.

What's the right, fair and moral thing for me to do? dd1 can't wait but when I told my sister last night I was going ahead with it her reaction 'So I'll have to sell the flat?' made me question if I should just stay with him to protect her interests.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 28/02/2015 07:24

Have you seen a solicitor?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:25

Meant to say, my mum thought it a good idea to put the two rental properties in both our names. To protect us against any future claims by future husbands Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:26

And H says he has no money at all.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/02/2015 07:27

The right thing for you to do right now is to get legal advice. But, generally speaking, when a marriage breaks down it is normal for the assets of the marriage, which means all money earned and investments and property purchased during the course of the marriage, is split roughly 50/50. Who retains custody of DC is taken into account, as is who has contributed what. There are arguments for ring-fencing money that has been inherited, but it will depend on what is in the total pot. The idea being that both parties can hopefully fund a suitable residence for them and any DC following the split.

juneau · 28/02/2015 07:29

If your DH worked his whole life then he has money and a pension. Full financial disclosure (Form E), is part of the divorce process. He's still bullying you - don't let him. Get your own independent advice.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:33

Sorry DM - yes, before Christmas, just before I asked him. He said if I don't do it soon I could end up paying him maintenance, and that it would be better to do it while the girls are still at school. But that doesn't help with moral dilemma vis a vis sister and her children.

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:35

And I don't want anything from him and certainly don't want his pension or anything that would continue to allow him any control over me whatsoever.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/02/2015 07:35

Just get legal advice - and please don't stay in this miserable marriage simply because of money. Your DH is using it to try to dissuade you from ending the marriage. After all, if you leave who will he bully and intimidate? He's getting on in age - he probably doesn't want to spend his twilight years alone. And his manipulation is having exactly the impact he's hoping it will - you're now second guessing yourself and wondering if leaving him is 'the right thing to do'. Stop agonising and go and see a solicitor.

juneau · 28/02/2015 07:37

Its not about you getting his pension - its about his pension being part of the joint pot of marital assets. He's pleading poverty in order to threaten you, but if he has money of his own he will be less entitled to yours.

pootlebug · 28/02/2015 07:38

If he has a pension, it will be taken into account as an asset. So even if the decision is to split assets 50:50 (and there's no guarantee that is the split a court would choose), his pension pot would be part of that.

You need to talk to a divorce lawyer and find out where you stand.

Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:38

Just because he wants half of all your assets does not mean he'll get them! In particular because you have many years of supporting yourself and your DC (through university) ahead whereas he only has a few years left!

Don't worry - find a friendly solicitor who will argue that your needs for your money for you and your DC greatly outweigh any reasonable claims he has.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:40

I've got it juneau - and he is entitled to half of everything. Because it was a long marriage and because of his age he's unlikely to be able to work again. He says he has no money and to reinforce this last year he said to the girls 'if you want a holiday your mother will have to pay'. He knows I'm up to my eyeballs in credit card debt but still I managed to find them a cheap one last year. He's said the same again this year, so I don't believe he has any money. But he's always been very secret squirrel about his financial affairs, but I do believe he has nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:41

I have to be prepared for this to affect my sister and her children but is it morally right?

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Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:41

I meant - for me to do so.

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Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:43

I don't understand your "moral quandary". You want a divorce. You must argue your case to retain what is yours. Why does STBXH need your assets?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:44

Bonsoir my solicitor doesn't instill that confidence in me at all and I wonder whether that's because he's painting a worst case scenario or he's not up to speed - or in fact if that's just how it's going to be. But he did suggest I pay £1k plus vat for us both to speak to a barrister who might have a better idea of how a judge would judge it. Which makes me wonder if he's experienced enough - he's a longstanding divorce solicitor in an established local firm though. But I can't imagine this kind of reversed thing happens much round here.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/02/2015 07:45

It is morally right for you to get out of this abusive marriage - yes. And your 'D'H doesn't have any right to your sister's money, so if this investment property has to be sold to fund your divorce she will get her money back before the proceeds are divvied up between you and your ex.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:47

Bonsoir because I used the money I had saved (and just incidentally put it in accounts with my children's names on them - I knew I would occassionally have to use it for maintentance of the house etc) to go to alcohol treatment, he thinks I will squander it. He says he is safeguarding the girls' inheritance. Never mind the 40% I believe the taxman will get by doing that anyway.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:49

Get a better solicitor!

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:49

But juneau she'd never be able to afford to buy another one, and I can't buy her out of that one. So she'd have to sell it and not buy another for her children. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:51

Bonsoir do you think he sounds rubbish? I'm beginning to have my doubts by what he's saying but don't know another would be any better. And I already spend 1K that I don't have on him before Christmas. How on earth would you know you've got a better one? Or if this one is pants?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:52

You need to stop panicking. What does your STBXH need to live on? If he has a pension he doesn't require maintenance payments, just a modest (two room) flat.

juneau · 28/02/2015 07:55

She'll just have to invest in something else. She can start a trust fund for her kids or something. But you should not stay in this miserable marriage simply to protect your sister's investment. Have you talked to her about the situation? Does she know what an abusive arsehole you're married to? I'm guessing she does and while she may wish, in an ideal world, to hold onto this property you've bought together I'm sure she'd accept that you have to get out and that the price of that might be you returning her investment to her. My DM is in an abusive marriage so I'm well versed in the kind of manipulation you're subject to. It won't get any better and you're wasting years of your precious life with this man, who treats you with contempt. What price your life? Your mental health?

juneau · 28/02/2015 07:56

And FGS get yourself another solicitor - the one you have sounds hopeless.

Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:56

Your STBXH is really quite elderly so moving to a retirement property (= very small and easy to manage) is appropriate anyway.

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