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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Have been told this is going to be a complicated divorce

103 replies

2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:20

In a nutshell:

Married 17 years, 2 dds 15 & 16. Controlling (in every way he can), bullying husband - only speaks to me when he has to or wants to put me down (no goodbye/hellos even)

Three years ago I spent a month getting alcohol treatment. Paid for it myself.

Never been given any money by H - if he's shopping and I ask (eg) for a deodorant he'll ask me for the money for it. Although he does pay utility bills and has taken me along on family holidays.

Two years before I met H, my father died. My sister and I used the money to buy the houses we're in now (so they're solely in our respective names) BUT also were able to invest in two properties for which we both get a very modest rental income.

I am 49 and H is 77.

When I asked him for a divorce before Christmas, he told me he wants half of everything. When I asked 'What, half of this house?' he replied 'No, half of all your assets'. Which will mean selling not only the house we're living in but also the property I share ownership of with my sister. Because, he said, he wants the money so he can leave it to the girls - he said that I would spend it. The reason he says this is I had - many years ago - managed to put away £4k each in an account for the children. But when it became clear I needed alcohol treatment I put that money towards my recovery. Which I believed at the time was the right thing to do.

My question is this. Is it right, that I should go ahead, given that I would have to sell the flat that my sister gets a small income from (thereby ruining both her income and her children's inheritance) which is what he's going to make me do. I'd also have to sell the house I get a small income from although that doesn't make me feel as bad because it's only me and my children that will affect (although I don't have a pension and haven't even accrued enough for a a state one). Is that fair? Or should I stay with him?

DDs are unhappy (one is anorexic) and I know they would rather we divorce. But I can't help thinking it's desperately unfair on my sister. As an aside, I watched as both my parents nearly killed themselves making that money, and worry as my mum will see half of it go to him. He has two children from a previous marriage (my age) who don't have children of their own.

What's the right, fair and moral thing for me to do? dd1 can't wait but when I told my sister last night I was going ahead with it her reaction 'So I'll have to sell the flat?' made me question if I should just stay with him to protect her interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:57

Yes, that's what he'll need. But he might throw his future care into the equation, I don't know. But the solicitor seems to think he'll be entitled to half everything anyway.

One particularly galling thing is that my sister told me the other day - before we even had children - that the day before we married he told her if we every divorced he'd sue me for half of everything. I wish she'd told me then! But that doesn't make any difference, it just confirms in my head that saying he wants half to protect the children's assets - masquerading control as care, as always - is a load of hogwash.

What's a STBXH?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:58

Soon To Be Ex Husband

Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 07:59

What is his health like?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 07:59

He doesn''t see that as appropriate bonsoir. He wants a house so he can accommodate our two dogs. And when I initially suggested giving him £350k he said that wouldn't be enough for a house. But I do agree that would be the best idea, it's just that he is being difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:00

His health is good. Otherwise I might have held out ....

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 08:00

How about offering to purchase a retirement property in your daughters' names in which he could have a lifelong rent free tenancy?

Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 08:02

This is getting silly. An old man living alone with two dogs (why is he getting custody of the dogs?) needs half the assets of a family with two DC and a much younger wife?! No!

pootlebug · 28/02/2015 08:02

What work did he do? For who?
If he was self-employed, he might not have money left / pension etc. If he was employed, he is very likely to have a pension of some sort, and given his age, the likelihood is a more generous one.

His claim on your assets 'in order to safeguard them for the children' is tosh. The court will award based on need. It sounds like his claims he has no money and his claim to half your assets are part of his financial abuse tbh.

Agree with the others your solicitor sounds crap. I know you've already spent money, but don't throw good money after bad there.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:02

And you're right, I am panicking. DD2 has her exchange coming over the week after next, and I 'phoned the solicitor I saw before Christmas and asked him to prepare stuff for the week after French Exchange has gone. And now I'm scared I've done the wrong thing. And spent loads of solicitor money doing so.

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:05

pb up until the Falklands - can't remember offhand when that was - he was a Lt Col in the army. Then he became school bursar in various schools. So as far as I can see he's never paid for any living accommodation. I don't know what settlement he reached with his first wife but if it was half his pension, and she died three years later, does that mean he only has half a pension now? Or would it go back to him once she died?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/02/2015 08:06

If you purchased the investment properties before you met your H do they count as a marital asset?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:08

I don't know. Length of marriage? Solicitor thinks he'll be entitled to half anyway.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 08:09

You need to find out his financial position. Do some sleuth work.

How about sidelining him in your own home?

Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 08:10

Do you sleep in the same bedroom/bed?

TendonQueen · 28/02/2015 08:10

Ooh, I like your style, Bonsoir!

OP, he can think something is 'not appropriate' all he likes but you know what? So can you. Parrot that back to him in fact. He's continuing to try and bully you. Don't fall for it. See a better solicitor. And don't pay out for you both to see a barrister or whatever - get your own advice without him.

juneau · 28/02/2015 08:11

If they were purchased before your marriage then there is definitely an argument for them not to be included in any settlement. pootle is right too that the judge will make a ruling based on need. Given that he's already quite advanced in age his need is not going to be as great as yours.

How old were his parents when they died? Not many men live beyond 87, so he may only have another 10 years to live - and a judge will make a ruling with that in mind.

juneau · 28/02/2015 08:12

And don't pay out for you both to see a barrister or whatever - get your own advice without him.

And this ^ with bells on!

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:15

Everyone's told me to do that bonsoir. He has a locked filing cabinet. I do sleep with him. We have a three-bedroom house and there's nowhere else to go. He said he'd sleep in a campbed but tbh tiptoeing round that would be just as much of an arse as sharing the same bed with him. But that should't make a difference, should it?

TQ the barrister was for me and the solicitor to see ..... Hmm I worry he's got too far with it now (vis a vis how much he's worked on it since earlier this week) for me to not be able to afford not to use him - he'll want paying and won't want to wait for the sale before he gets paid if the work's being done by someone else.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/02/2015 08:16

So where does he keep the key? Does he take it with him when he leaves the house? Could you get it copied without him knowing?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:17

juneau his parents weren't especially old or young, just about right for that period in time, as far as I can make out. But he does have two sisters, one older, who enjoys good health.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 28/02/2015 08:17

Get a locksmith to pick the lock when your H is safely out somewhere (organise something) and raid it.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2015 08:18

Gotta go girls are coming down. Be back soon - thank you all soooo mch x

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 28/02/2015 08:19

We are not able to give advice on divorce. Please please see another solicitor. It really depends on how cooperative your stbx will be. If he won't, your divorce may get very messy. Find a lawyer who specialises in divorce and one with a really good track record.

Please let us know how you get on. We can support you but unable to provide any legal advice on the outcome.

PetraDelphiki · 28/02/2015 08:24

And when you call the locksmith it's your filing cabinet that you have lost the key to...not his!!!

DriftingOff · 28/02/2015 08:27

Does your husband know who your solicitor is? I'm almost wondering whether he's receiving backhanders or something off your husband.